bullying

Hi Juli,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this issue. As a school counselor, I work with a lot of students and parents to stop bullying. It's clearly a two-pronged issue because you have both the bully and the target of the bully in the same house. I recommend you begin by stopping giving so much of your time and energy in an effort to stop your eldest from bullying. Not because I don't think his behavior is acceptable, it's not, it's just that whatever we focus on expands. In other words, whatever parents spend the most time focusing on, their kids will do more of. In this case, that's bullying. Your eldest has learned that his bullying is getting a reaction from you, albeit a negative one. Strangely enough, kids don't discern between negative and positive attention. Attention is attention to them. Your eldest needs to be told there will be strict consequences, consistently enforced, if he bullies. Then the next time he bullies, don't yell, nag, threaten, plead...just enforce the consequence calmly and without discussion. He needs to learn that you will no longer be fueling his behavior with your attention and that there are consequences for his behavior. I also recommend working with him on empathy. Asking him to try and see things from other people's perspectives.  What I typically recommend that kids do when they're being bullied is hard to apply when the bully is living in the same home (i.e., avoid the bully, stay in a group, walk confidently, ignore, report the problem to a teacher.) However, your five year old needs to feel safe at home. I think when he sees that his brother is receiving consequences for his behavior that will help your youngest feel more secure because he'll realize that behavior is not being tolerated. Not that you were tolerating it before, but kids learn more from our actions, than our words. I hope this helps. Good luck.

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It sounds like you are really frustrated with your oldest child and tired of the sibling rivalry in your home.  I don’t know how old your older son is, but here are some things that you want to consider.
1. Sometimes parents think that to be fair, each child must be treated the exact same way.  You really need to look at each child’s age and abilities to decide what is fair for each of them from everything to bedtimes, chores, and privileges.  An older child will feel cheated if he has to follow the same guidelines that a 5 year old has.
2. Don’t settle their arguments for them.  These well intended actions by parents can create a one-up mentality which makes the kids more competitive with each other.
3. Never compare your children to each other in front of them. Affirm each child’s strengths.  Make sure that you are giving positive messages and hugs to the older child as much as you are the younger one.
4. Do something individual with each child and make sure that you are unable to be interrupted by the other one.  Avoid distractions, relax and enjoy your kids as individuals.
5. As a consequence for not being nice to their sibling, you might want to try having them do something nice for them, compliment them, or do an activity together.  
6.  Catch them being good--praise them when they are getting along and being nice to each other.
7. For the older sibling, you may ask them occasionally to help the younger one with a task so they are put in a helping role rather than just picking on them.
Hopefully some of these ideas help.  Sometimes it is the little things that get you through the more stressful times!
 
 
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