Teen boyfriend troubles and rebellion
We are a church going family. I have 4 daughters and the oldest has always had a personality that I have had to work with. Selfish, doesnt show regrets much, think she knows everything etc. We have tried working with her for many years. She has been on a pretty good track after alot of "tough" parenting. Last fall she finally got a boyfriend (not that I was really thrilled) She was 16 almost 17. She had already at this time chosen to attend this live on campus highschool that is a prestigious school and gets many millions in scholarships to its graduates. She was all for it. Until this boyfriend. Found out they had sex. Instead of just eliminating him from her life and causing a rebellion we made is supervised dates and visits. That was okay for awhile until she went out with another friend she was allowed to go out with and they ended up meeting together etc. She has had many infections from having sex with this boy. Then she didnt do well in school. She broke up with him and then he started calling her late nights when she needed to do homework and kept her up til like 3am and such before test because he was talking suicide because of the break up. This boy is between the ages of 18-19 at the time. She ended up not flunking but not making good enough grades to remain at this school because of this boy. She used to be a Straight A student. So she is back home for Christmas break and she didnt like the rules we placed because she has snuck out, got two speeding tickets in a month time and one was over 22mph over the speed limit, backtalked etc. She ran away. Twice and the boyfriend picked her up and took off with her. No one would (her friends) would tell us where she was. Then when we did find her we moved her to my parents home a hour away. No phone of her own, no car, etc. I guess she used a phone from a kid at the new school and called him and told him how to get there.. and he showed up on my parents doorstep. Apologized to them etc for his past behavior. Then comes over to our house and apologizes for his behavior, didnt tell us he was over there already. We told him he will have to follow our rules this time or forget it. Call when he is allowed to at the certain times. MY parents go to bed early and dont need 10pm or after phone calls. He agreed.. for the second time. He agrees and of course it was a lie. Come to find out he was secretly meeting her.. she was sneaking out at my parents house as well. Texting him "did you bring a condom?" So here we are at my other daughters birthday party. She starts in with stuff of anger because I guess she got into a arguement with my mother day before. Trying to pit us against each other. My daughter has friends over and I tell her she needs to calm it down right now. She sais "make me" she goes out the front door. Later she gets into it with me because I found out about all this sneaking around, and the fact she invited him over to her sisters birthday party without my knowledge. She started getting physical with me. I call 911. She is a stout girl. Its an even fight. My current husband is not home to hold her back or to pin her down until she gets over it. She says he is now only mad because she kicked his wifes butt (referring to me). She is totally out of control. Says she wishes she was pregnant so they could be together. Wants to move in with him.. he lives at home with his mom. She is gay with a live in lover. Says she cant believe all the stuff I have done to her boyfriend. And that I am mad because I couldnt control him or he wouldnt follow my commands. And its our fault they sneak because we wont let them date. And just because they had sex we think they will all the time and I say "well what about that text about the condom that proves right there we are right in our thinking" Well now she wants to move to her Biological dads and grandparents home. He lives with his parents and almost 40yrs old. My current husband has adopted her because her real dad never did anything for them. No birthday cards nothing. NO phone calls. No visits. But since its 10 hours away now it might be more difficult for the boyfriend to make the trip to see her. But is there anything else I can do like a restraining order? What kind of grounds can I use? She is moving away so she would not be able to attend court etc if I file any charges. He is constantly disrupting her and her following our rules. Even his mother texted her at my mothers saying I think you two belong together.. edging them on against my wishes. I have talked to his mother and told her to stay out of it. Its my daughter and until she is 18 she is under my care and my rules. So that hasnt helped at all. Any suggestions? I now know she probably has Oppressive Defiant Disorder and they usually have type of ADHD.. and medication can help. But now its so far gone she doesnt think anything is wrong with her so she will refuse help and treatment. I wish I knew this stuff long time ago. I asked my mom on christmas break to get her some therapy find something or someone and I will take her. But we never did get to it. My main concern is this boyfriend who has graduated a year or two ago from school helping her to defy her parents wishes and to help he run away which is aiding in delinquency of a minor but dont know if I can do anything about it now. But need something done to get this boy to stay away until Oct when she turns 18 and I am hoping by then she might have wised up or one of the two will move on with their lives. Hope is all I got. She has one more year next year to graduate highschool and I need her to finish that before she gets involved with anyone.
Posted by:
jenjen27
Reply from:
briana.ramos13 Date: May 29, 2008 at 12:27 am
Reply from:
jenjen27 Date: Jun 2, 2008 at 9:52 am
Thank you for your comment. I believe she needs me too but she is so stubborn to accept or listen. We tried to talk to her and discuss this with her. Her reply is she wants to make her own mistakes. I totally understand that but when those mistakes have such high stakes I believe a parent needs to step in. The world is just not as safe anymore. So many kids killing other kids and girlfriends etc over relationships it is very scarey and I worry.
Thanks again.
Reply from:
briana.ramos13 Date: Jun 3, 2008 at 10:11 pm
The world is dangerous, and I can understand why you have such a huge concern, but sometimes we cant make it safer, we can only teach our kids how to protect themselves. And the most hardest thing as a PARENT is understanding that in some situations, children can only learn from their mistakes, that as a parent, we have to step back, and, if you will, let God take hold of things. Another thing I forgot to address is your daughter disorder. You should really seek help. My brother also suffers from ADHD and has to recieve daily medication to help him stay calm. One good thing about this is regardless of if your daughter wants to see a doctor or not, you have the say so. So in this situation use it to your advantage. I notice in a reply to Boys Town National Hotline, you stated that your daughter said its so much quieter without her around, and you also refer to her as a problem. Now I cant say you dont have the right to say that about your daughter, but its looking like your only seeing the negative in her, and you need to think back to the good times. She knows how the family feels about her, and that only pushes her farther back from your reach. you need to put the negative aside, and show her that you dont believe that she is only bad news. when you talk to her, leave her boyfriend out of it. talk to her, about her. ask her how her day is going. become a friend. i understand that you are her mother, but maybe she feels she has nobody to talk to, and she needs a friend that will understand her situation. who she can talk to without them judging her life.
Try to put yourself in her shoes, even though it may be hard, and ask yourself (as her) what would help you?
Reply from:
jenjen27 Date: Jun 4, 2008 at 8:56 am
Thank you. I do. We talk on phone and in email and boyfriend is out of it. Except the time she wanted to come back home as long as we let her date him. I just kept my ground she got mad and that was it. All the other times we talk about her job and school and what she has been up to. She doesnt know what the other daughter has said. The other daughter wants to talk to her and does, she wants to email her etc. She loves her sister. My feelings are not shown to our daughter on her being the problem child. That is just general feelings of me expressing to someone (here) because I do not have anyone really to express to. I will prevent my child from harm if I can. Her mistakes are her mistakes and she has a right to make them. But its my job as a parent to keep her safe and try and teach her to make good decisions so when she is old enough and able she will hopefully has learned enough to make it in the world. But while she is underage if I see something such as this boyfriend as harm. I will do what I can do period. That is just my beliefs and the many books I have read and my upbringning.
Reply from:
daphneo Date: Jun 4, 2008 at 1:18 pm
well first of all you said you tried to get her help but never got around to it? excuse me but when i have a child even though i don't believe they should talk to someone else if there was a problem and that was the solution or atleast some help i would damn sure make sure i got around to it is she even really important to you you act like you hate her and i can see why but you have to realize she is a teen you need to see on her level first of all i would have congradulated her for using a condom if she's already had sex and got stds i would be proud she learned her lesson secondly there is alot you can do but not really nothing will stop a crazy guy like that unless your daughter decides she doesn't want him and thirdly stop being so forceful if its just making her meaner its obviously not working you need to start trying to see things her way even though their messed up and hm you said she just now got the phone and car taken away? gee i wonder whats the problem and lastly you being a church goer you should already know that you are supposed to guide her your not guiding anything just laying down strict rules and expecting brute force to work you need to start explaining why you do things sit down and talk with her maybe even get to know the boyfriend maybe he's not so bad after all maybe set some boundaries like what days he can come over and having atleast 24 hour notice if plans change and maybe unplugging the phone at night if you give her back her phone have her turn it off and give it to you before bed and don't snoop no wonder she hides everything from you you give her no privacy and your mean to her all the time i wouldn't like someone who never talks to me kindly snoopin through all my stuff would you? think about an enemy you had would you like it if they searched your phone and your room? no you wouldn't now i'm not saying trust her completely have her regain your trust get to know her thats all any child wants from their parents understanding and someone to go to when their in trouble if you get her to trust you she'll tell you when she makes a mistake and don't react with yelling and all that dissapointment and still letting her know you care and giving her all the advice you can is all you need and maybe eventually if the boyfriend still doesn't obey the rules your daughter will realize he doesn't respect you or your house or the safety of her and she'll realize shes better off
Reply from:
jenjen27 Date: Jun 4, 2008 at 3:30 pm
WOW!! I must say very judgemental. I never said I hated my child and I never would have posted on here if I didnt love her and wanted advice. Ended up I made the decisions on my own on what was best and all seems to be working.
Who said I never talked to the boy? I have talked to this boy many many times, hugged him many times, he even attened another one of my childs birthday party. My daugher didnt use a condom or she would not have gotten batterial infections and ended up paying for it literally out of her own pocket for all doctor expenses. She has had her car and phone taken away many times for different reasons, but both at once for misuse.
I dont see where you get off judging me and my parenting. Who said brute force? who said I react with yelling? Who said I dont give her understanding. Who said I am mean to her all the time? Who said I didnt give her any guidance?
I think your really reading into things that are not there at all. Did you not read I let them see each other until he had her sneaking out in the middle of the night, and gave the relationship many chances? But it kept ending up with problems? I dont need my daughter sneaking out in the middle of the night on a school night to meet a boy. I dont need doctor bills every month because she didnt use protection and got a bacterial infection.
Reply from:
daphneo Date: Jun 5, 2008 at 11:28 am
yes i did see that and i also saw the text about the condom i just figured it was after she made the mistake not before all i'm saying is it sounds alot like what we have around here and i'm sorry if you don't like my opinion but usually the teen rebels because they can't communicate with you seriously all i'm trying to do is get you to realize how she probably feels no matter what you did for her your not talking to her enough or maybe you are maybe there's something you don't know about that makes her feel like you don't understand and the brute force i mean like way strict rules not beating her i've grown up in a religious home and from what i've seen their strict and usually dont put the childs ideas into the plan i'm not trying to say your a bad mom i'm just merely stating why that usually happens and for one you do need to realize that i'm jus trying to get you to see the things she's done wrong as mistakes and the boyfriend isn't the problem something else is underlining this like maybe the dad? or something compleatly different she hasn't told you but if you found something that works i'm happy for you really and i don't mean to come off so rude it's just i see so many teens whos parents dont understand them and it drives me crazy because they usually won't see things the teens way and its hard for her and i wouldn't just be worried about the infection maybe a baby? try getting her to see what she could be putting herself through rent one of those real baby things and have her do it for a while so she sees why you tell her thats not safe but seriously one thing that bothers me is that you keep moving her away that could be the solution to your fighting with her but he's gonna go anywhere in the world to be with her i don't really know much about parenting but i do know crazy boyfriends are hard to get rid of even for the girl with them and if she doesn't want to it's not gonna happen you kind of have to let nature run it's course it sucks but it's true i will give you praise for how hard you try but i think it does seem a little bit forceful and teens will rebel when too much force is put in i watched my sister go through the same things but my mother didn't care enough to stop her i just am merely suggesting taking a different route you can see it's not helping at all what you were doing and i don't know what you decided but i'm just saying sometimes we need a parent and sometimes we need a friend and the only reason i said you sound like you hated her was because of all she had done that's enough to make any parent hate life i'm sorry and i didn't mean to offend you i'm just stating probably how confused and frustrated she feels and i'm not saying you should let her do any of that but i guess i can't help so i'll just wish you luck and hope things work out for all of you
Reply from:
Boys Town National Hotline
Date: Mar 24, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Wow, your posting regarding your daughter does not have an easy response. You must feel very frustrated and helpless at this point. It sounds like your daughter has her mind set on this relationship with her boyfriend, and all you can see is the damage that their relationship has done to your relationship with her.
At the end of your posting you say that your main goal is for her to graduate. It sounds like your daughter’s number one goal is to be with the boyfriend. Is there any way that you can sit down together and come to an agreement of sorts? Maybe there is someone who can even mediate this discussion for you. What concessions are you each willing to give to each other in order to get what you want? Do you want her living at home, or is that no longer an option? What is your greatest fear with their relationship, and how can you prevent that from happening? What things are no longer under your control and what things CAN you control?
I will not presume to tell you what to do with your daughter or how to handle the situation that you are currently in with her. Do you ever have a chance to be together without an argument about the boyfriend, or can you create times like that with her? At this point how hard is it for you communicate positive messages with each other...like to tell her you love her, or give her a hug?
During all of this, I hope that you are able to take care of yourself and the rest of your family. I can assume that this situation can sometimes drain your energy levels quite often. Make sure that you are eating and sleeping well, do something good for you, write in a journal about how you are feeling, and you might want to make a spiritual connection to help you through these times. I hope things work out for you and that you and your daughter can soon begin to mend your relationship.
Boys Town National Hotline an Education.com partner
– 1-800-448-3000 / www.boystown.org
Reply from:
jenjen27 Date: Mar 25, 2008 at 9:44 am
its been very emotionally draining on our whole family and I have other children to worry about. She is like day and night compared to the other children. Her biological sister even says.. Mom its so much quieter when she isnt home. My daughter used to be a straight A student and had dreams. Since this boyfriend that has went downhill. Its like nothing else matters. All I have done is talk to this boy and tell him we just expect you and you to help her follow our rules. In our eyes if he really loves her he would not "help" her go against our wishes or against her past dreams for him. He said he understands yet his actions show the opposite. And my daughter says I have put him through hell. Probably because of the suicide thing he did said he was going to do because she broke up with him, but that just shows me he is not stable in his thoughts.
I was in a bad relationship at a young age. Her father. He was a chronic liar and drug user. And similar to this boy and he was mental. I had to deal with him threatening suicide told this particular daughter on fathers day (after we split) that she was never going to see him again. She was crying her eyes out. He vandalized my vehicle, got physical with me. I didnt know anything about the lies or drug use until after we married after 1 year of dating because I was so young and naive. She is following in the same footsteps as I did. It was scarey type of relationship. For awhile I did worry about my life and my childrens lives. I look back and my parents didnt agree with the boyfriend I had that I was so attached to. I tried the supervised visits with my daughter which was different. But seems no matter what they get around to do what they want. My mother didnt flat out stop me. So I tried that. I really dont know what my parents could have done differently to stop me from what I did.
Honestly there is no way we can live in peace with her home. If it wasnt for the boy we could. She is very stubborn and believes she knows everything and will throw her whole family to the wolves that she knows away just for something she feels even though we have experienced it and have the wisdom and what we say is totally common sense. She has spreaded rumors about abuse sexual and mental etc. Luckily people know us and know better. I cannot have that in my home with the other children. It really shows them a bad example on disrespect etc. I have told her alot more lately that I love her and hug her when she moved out trying that. It doesnt matter. She is going to do what she wants to do period. She is really nice to me then she asks for something. So she is always nice and good when she wants something then once she gets it, its like forget you. So my only hope is to move her to her Biological Grandparents and hope the move turns over a new leaf. Distances her from this boy I think is going to help. I just wish I had the power, money, and time to just up and move her myself to another place out of state just me and her and deal with the issues that way. But I have other kids that rely on me. I dont totally trust the situation she is going into now.. but I know she will at least be safe for the most part. Just wish I could save her.
It will be a long time before our relationship will totally mend. She will have to mature and finally see the light I think. I am not unreasonable, judgemental, etc. The gay mother I am not against her. I dont agree with that type of life but that is their choice but I do have a right to worry about my minor child being influenced by it because of my moral beliefs. Once she is an adult its her life. I know she is going to be different but sometimes a relationship with someone that threatens suicide and this degree of passion that she is eliminating everyone who has done so much for her, everyone that has bent over backwards for her, just is not healthy and sometimes those relationships end up going terribly wrong.
My greatest fear with their relationship is ... I know it wont work. I dont want her to end up having a kid and then divorcing. I know many people do it and get through it. But its rough. Its terrible for kids and for the parents to have to deal with that situation. If the relationship was a decent one and it ended in that way I could understand but I see this relationship as poison. The boy lies. His feet hurt and so he doesnt work much so how is he going to support her? He lives at home a trailer with his mom who is not really going to be much of a role model. Not finish Highschool and not full fill her dreams. Many mistakes which I think could put her in situations where her life could be at risk. She isnt making the best decisions so that makes me worried about the rest of them she makes on her own. Her judgements.
I guess I am doing all I can do sending her far away. Away from this boy maybe she has a chance.
Thanks for your response and its been a really rough weekend. I am finally starting to get moving again. Its so draining and has worn me out totally. We took the family to the park sunday to play so getting me out and getting my mind off things as well as trying to keep the rest of the family as normal as possible. Thanks!
Reply from:
Michael Bentley
Date: Jun 2, 2008 at 9:17 am
Two months have now gone by and the school year is ending. We have an 18 year old daughter and can sympathize. Our daughter went through a rebellious phase and wanted to be with her friends all the time and not with her family, but, thankfully, it passed. I hope your situation has gotten better in the meantime. Boys Town and Laura have offered good advice. One thing is for sure, you do need support and you can't control everything your daughter chooses to do. I wish your family the best. Michael Bentley, EdD
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