A son we just can't seem to motivate
I am hoping someone out there can help me or is going through something similar. My son is thirteen. This is his second year in Seventh grade. Last year, we moved to a very remote part of Alaska and it has been hard for him to adjust to it here. I do understand that and at this time, we are in the process of possible relocating again very soon which my son is really looking forward too. He attends a school with alaskan natives.Ever since he was in Kindergarten, my husband and I have gone to numerous meetings with the schools and teachers in regards to him. They always tell us how intelligent he is, but he doesn't want to do his work or turn it in, or would shut down all the time. For years, we've dealt with these issues and tried so many different things to no avail. Now here I am looking at him possible repeating seventh grade again for the third time all because he just doesn't care, has no motivation, etc. So yesterday, I decided that it was time to take away his playstation and his psp player and I explained to him that until I start to see some real change in him as far as his schoolwork and attitude, he will not see the games until I see real improvement.
I just don't know what else to do. My husband and I are so frustrated. We love him so much but just don't know what else to do. After so many meetings with teachers, etc etc. I am so tired of all the talking but no results.
Anyone have any thoughts on what we could do to help him....?
Posted by:
villagemother
Reply from:
Boys Town National Hotline
Date: Apr 25, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Reply from:
villagemother Date: Apr 25, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Thank you for the advice. Yes he was tested for learning disabilities only two years ago and they found that he had a slight one so we along with the teachers decided at that time to enroll him in special education because he met the criteria because he was behind the regular students in many subject areas, so they felt that special education would best suit him because of more smaller classes and more attention in that regard. He has stayed in special education ever since.
Yes, we definitely want to see him succeed and my husband and I realize that it is very tough for him in this village. He just doesn't fit in and every morning is a complete struggle to get him to go to school and we do know that there are some students there that do give him daily problems which the school is always dealing with. I am hoping that this next week we will have good news about our possible relocation. My husband is a police officer and has put in for a transfer to a different place, so I'm hoping with the move that it will be a positive one and put him on the right track.
Reply from:
Valerie Baadh
Date: Apr 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Another thing you can consider is to give him some opportunities to help others. Its amazing what happens to young people who find a way to contribute in their community. Maybe he can help with animals, on a farm, with some little children. These "service" projects can get him focused on others besides himself, and help him build self esteem for his contributions of time and energy.
I am a also a big fan of no TV or media or internet for this age, which is hard when its already a habit. But finding other things to get interested in, a hobby of some sort, making things, building things, art, music, will help him pass the time in a constructive way.
This age is difficult for many young people. They are no longer little children and certainly not yet adults. Good luck..best wishes for a happy relocation and a new beginning.
Reply from:
villagemother Date: Apr 29, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, I know with the tv and everything, especially video games, kids can get so caught up in it. I know because our son when he first got the system would play for hours and hours and hours on end.
The good news is that my husband had his interview today and they called back awhile later and then faxed him the paper to make it official. He was offered the job and we are going to accept it and will be moving out of here before June 1st, so all of us are very happy and I think that this will be a very positive change for my son.
He is just tickled pink about it. So I'm hoping that this will be a great thing for our whole family. A new change for hopefully the better.
Reply from:
Jeanne Funk
Date: Apr 30, 2008 at 12:11 pm
That's good news about your move! Sounds like your son may continue to struggle some, though, given what you have said about his school history. It's probably time for the new school to redo at least part of his evaluation since it is two years old. He may not need the full restrictions of a special ed placement, which can be stigmatizing as I'm sure you know.
As far as discipline, it is tempting to go all out, especially when nothing seems to be working, but in this case you may want to consider smaller, attainable goals. So maybe he would get his video games back for 1/2 hour if you get a good report from school two days in a row. I don't know your exact situation, but it usually works better for the child to know exactly what he is supposed to do and what the outcome will be.
It would be great for your son to have an activity outside of school where he can really shine. Sometimes this is a volunteer activity, as already suggested, sometimes it is something active like karate.
You may have already tried counseling, but once you are settled, if your son continues to have problems it may be worth another try. One possibility that could be assessed is that your son is experiencing some depression. That might require a somewhat different parenting approach. These years can be difficult for any child, and a child with a disability faces extra challenges (as do his parents!).
Dr. Jeanne Funk, education.com clinical child psychology expert
Reply from:
concernedteach Date: Apr 30, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I think its great that you and your husband are truly trying to help. A lot of parents tend to see their child's education as the school's responsibility. I too struggled in middle school both accademically and socially. Is your son artisctic? Does he doodle in his notebook instead of taking notes? If so then you might want to think about enroling him in an art class. I hope that you and your son realize that even though he may like his new school better, most of the time, when a new kid comes to school, one of two things happens: the child is accepted as cool, or rejected as an outcast. This is not always the case, but it does happen. I think that taking away his games is a good step, but it may make him not like you. I would suggest letting him play only after his school work is done. One think that worked for me was doing my work as soon as I got home and had a snack. This helped because my brain was already in "school" mood, and there wasn't a big transition. By waiting until after dinner, as most parents do, you open the door for your child to be unwilling to work. He thinks that he's already had his fun for the day, so what's the point in ruining it with work. You might also want to try sugesting having a small party at the end of school only if your son does well from here out. Encourage your son to make friends, even though you will be leaving soon. Having a friend tends to help because they can discuss classes and people. If your son is struggling with a subject, a study buddy tends to help keep him focused. Also, friends tend to discourage bullies, a common problem in middle school.
I hope this helps, and don't give up. Once you find what works, keep with it even into high school. good luck.
Reply from:
villagemother Date: Apr 30, 2008 at 11:08 pm
We as parents have always been very involved with our childrens' education. We love our kids very much and only want the best for them. My husband accepting this new job today and knowing we will be relocating has made my son very very happy. He's been smiling for the past two days and just so relieved. My daughter will be graduating in May and then we will be leaving for our new location. I think it will be very good for our family. We live in predominately native community that is isolated from the rest of the world. It's more than 98% native and it's been very hard for my son to adjust here. My husband's position put us here, but now we will be moving on to something much better.
He was getting picked on so much at school constantly and he is somewhat of a germaphobe. I remember one instance where a kid his age purposefully ran his hand through my son's hair at school and told him that now he would have head lice. Well, since it's only a short walk to school from our house and back, my son came running home crying and pleading with me to get him head lice medicine which my husband and I did right away to ease his worries and concerns and for preventative measures. What I'm trying to say is that these kids know that he is sensitive and they take full advantage of it. He was really traumatized by that event. He doesn't like kids touching him at all.
He's had girls here smack him in the face with sticks and on one occasion, he's had a knife thrown at him. I'm sorry to say but it has totally changed my attitude towards natives in any manner. When I see the total disregard and prejudice that they have towards anyone different from them, it really makes me sick to my stomach. The parents here have no personal sense of responsibility and their kids follow suit in that regards.
I feel bad that the kids here will never know anything but a life of crime and manipulation, etc etc.
I'm glad to be getting my children out of this place and never looking back. I was never a prejudiced person but I can't believe how they treated me and my family.
My son will be getting a blessing with this move.
Reply from:
michael vitelli
Date: May 5, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Though I hate to spam, our software goal is to motivate the unmotivated as well...
We have to find a way to connect with their needs, and focus on waht will motivate them, without a "behavior mod" punitive approach. THough we have "limiting and blocking" in our design if hte parents chooses, we alo have way to tap into the "social network" kids enjoy theses days. Our Earning Network will help to. THe problem is, all involeved with our endevour, about 35, do it for free, so its taking a long time. I wish we could help now.
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