When Your Teen is Caught Shoplifting (continued)

The experience of having your child caught for shoplifting clearly qualifies for a "teachable moment."  What a balance is required--to respond appropriately, without going overboard!  I appreciate all the recommendations in this article.  I am wondering about one more step...perhaps this is an opportunity to model authentic humanity to your child by sharing with them a similar incident in your life--and the valuable lessons you learned.  This is new territory for many parents, but is important terrain to travel together.  It may seem frightening to consider being so open and vulnerable, but in the long run, our children need us to be imperfect individuals whom they can follow, not pedestal-sitters waiting to be worshipped. There are certainly other considerations to be weighed.  Anybody agree/disagree with this suggestion?  Can you think of a time when your parents gave you the gift of a story from their life where they tripped up, but then got back up and learned from the experience?

The child may just be experimenting. Staying calm and not exploding will help the child deal with his own guilt at first. Let he or she know the serious offense shoplifting can be and start there.

good points, i think time to think before discussing is good.

Great ideas on how to approach and handle this situation.

My son was caught last night at the Wal-Mart with a friend stealing playing cards.  So far I've done things as outlined.  I find myself on talking to close friends for advice, and here on the web for good info on how to best respond to this first offense.  I'd like to nip this in the bud before a repeat offense with more severe consequences occurs.  Wal-Mart was generous in not calling the police to press charges.  I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to pass it off as "Just a phase he is going through." I agree with Dennis Lynn's comment that this is a "teachable moment"  God willing I will do the right things to set my son's foot on the pathway of understanding himself and his responsibilities to society.

My 17 year old Son was caught shoplifting at Macy's Department Store one night; I got the dall from the Security office of Macy's.  It feels like the whole world drop on you.  Our family is living a comfortable life and sometimes even more.  I was calm and collective when I picked him up.  The Security person and the Cop were very nice to talked to him; they told me as they look at my Son; he did not need to shoplift because of the his clothes he was wearing and his things he has e.g wallet and cell phone.  The cop said it was just a mistake so learn from it.  But as a Mom I cannot beleive this was happening and had happened.  I told my brother first then the three of us talked right the next day.  When my son came home from school; then we calmly talked to him seriously.  Asked him why he did it and was it the first time.  Macy's Security and the cop believe he is a good kid; has no records at all; he he now not allowed to go to any Macy's store and he was ask just to pay penalties and other fees involve.  Please help me.  To me is it a rebellous act.

i think your advise about teen shoplifting is a really good conversation and can sink into these kids brain that shop lifting is not anything to be playin with and i think you for talkin about that happens very often

I wish I'd seen this article BEFORE I discovered an incident of my son having gone on a spree - and taken an item from each of 3 stores. I am basically too afraid to deal with the stores, in case they wouldn't be lenient. If I hadn't been snooping, he'd never have been caught. Rather than me being the one to bust him, we're making sure the store gets its merchandise back and having discussions about right and wrong, legal consequences, etc. I do believe a lot of these teens do it for thrill-seeking or to gain peer acceptance. I don't think he ever would've done it on his own! Thank you for an insightful article and I'll try and be calm with him on it from here on out. As a parent, it definitely hurts, because you look at is as a reflection on you and your ability to impart correct morals and values. :(
 

My daughter has a friend who has been shoplifting.  My daughter has a hard time making and keeping friends, so I have been walking the line between how restrictive to be on that friendship.  Last night, I discovered that a pair of jeans that were supposedly borrowed from another friend of my daughter were actually stolen for my daughter by the shoplifting friend. At this point, I'm concerned that my daughter is shoplifting, too.  Even if she isn't I have told her that she is just as guilty if she benefits from the shoplifting that someone else has done.  I am still considering what action to take.  I've confiscated the jeans and considered marching her to the department store to return them. I am concerned that I'll be stuck with fines for her bad judgement.  This is definitely a difficult situation and I am struggling with sending the right message and most of all changing the behavior.  

My 15 year old was caught stealing a packet of chewing gum from a supermarket, the police called my husband from work to collect him no charges were made but consequently he removed his laptop and i on the spur of the moment grounded him for 1 month,,, i think this is a bit harsh now, what do others think i'd be very glad of any ideas/oppinions

My 16 yr old son and two others were caught taking gum from a convenience store while on a return trip via school bus.  As this was during athletics, he was asked to sign a Behavior Contract and was put on athletic probation for one full calendar year. In addition, he was suspended from two athletic competitions. The contract states that if he has one write-up from any teacher, for any reason, in that one year period; he is suspended from all athletics for a period of one year.  We feel that is too harsh.  One the flip side of this, my child was assaulted by another kid 2 months ago, from the same team (hit in the face repeatedly) and all that kid received was 3 days of ISS and 3 days of OSS.  Once that was over, he resumed competing as part of the team.  While the school admits that it did not handle that situation correctly, no other punishment was given to the kid that assaulted mine.  And, on top of all that, my kid was made to sign a waiver stating that he wouldn't press charges (without parental discussion or consent).  We don't understand just how much authority is given to the school to decide these types of punishments.
 
We do not condone his behavior and he has been punished by us as well.  Additionally, we went to the convenience store, spoke with the manager, apologized and offered to sweep, pick-up trash, etc. for his actions.  She said she felt he had learned his lesson and asked the outcome of the school's ruling and could not believe how harsh his punishment was.
 
What do you think?  Our school district leaves all disciplinary action such as this up to either administration and/or athletic dept. or both.  
 
Thanks for the input!

I am a Loss Prevention Agent for a major retail department store.  The hardest part of my job is having to call parents (especially if they're at work) and tell them that their child has been apprehended for shoplifting.  Karri, you're story really touched me. You should take the jeans back to the store.   Most stores have what's called "consious payment" in which you just go to the customer service counter, (I would suggest bringing your daughter with you to learn from the experience) and explain to the representative that the jeans were stolen from that store and you (or your daughter) would like to pay for them.  In my state, we are not allowed to ask for any details such as names, addresses, or when the shoplift occured.  We just simply take the payment and give you a receipt.  There are no extra fines involved.  Hope this helps.
 
Sincerely,
Ann A.  

This article gives fine advice if your child is under 18 years old when caught shoplifting (except for that bit about not embarrassing your kids at the scene - most kids deserve at least that).  However, this column is supposed to address issues for kids up to age 19, and if you're caught stealing at 18 you will likely be arrested.  My daughter, who just turned 18, is an honor student who wants for nothing and has NEVER once been in trouble,  was caught stealing at a Kohl's department store.  We received the dreaded call from the police and my husband dragged her back to the store to apologize to the manager (in the parking lot because she's banned from Kohl's).  My daughter was devastated when she realized how having a police record has changed her life (she wanted to become a pharmacist), and has since become quite despondent.  I worry about her when she asks me things like,  should she even bother to attend college. We are not wealthy, but we've hired a lawyer and she's been to court 3 times as we try to get the charges off her permanent record.  These stores are very strict and unmoving on their policies.   We pleaded with anyone who would listen at Kohl's to please drop the charges.  We paid for the clothing that was stolen and an additional restitution charge, but my daughter will still have a record if our expensive lawyer can't get her record expunged.  Yes, she brought it on herself, and Kohl's has a right to press charges, but frankly I'm upset with Kohls for making us take it this far. Psychologists can talk all they want about "rites of passage," but our daughter's lack of impulse control on this one occasion may have ruined her life.