Adoption and Attachment (continued)
by Lisa Medoff
Think about what you are teaching your daughter when you stay at school because she gets upset. You are allowing her to dwell on her fear of separation rather than dealing with it. You are teaching her that she can always get what she wants from you (and other people) if she cries. You are showing her that you do not think she is capable of being away from you for a few hours. Here are some ideas for breaking the pattern that you have fallen into:
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Build up her trust in you. Before you go in to the classroom, kneel down, look her in the eye and say, “I am going to take you into class today and then I am going to leave. I know you will have a good day. I will be back at 1:30 to pick you up and I can’t wait to hear all about your day.” Once she is in the classroom, tell her, “I love you. I will be back at 1:30. Good-bye.” Walk out the door and get in your car. Drive away. It is absolutely necessary that you be there when the door opens at the end of the school day so that she learns to trust you. Aim to be there 15 minutes early just in case of unexpected delays. This process may be difficult for the first week or so, but it will get easier (for both of you) every day.
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Make sure to prepare your child for any changes in the routine ahead of time. Let her know the night before what you are going to do differently when you drop her off, and tell her exactly what is going to happen. Do not get drawn into a long discussion and do not give her attention for whining or crying at this point.
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Do not pull her out of school unless there is a consensus among the school, her physician, and you, the parents, that she is not emotionally or physically ready to be in kindergarten, or unless you feel certain that this particular school is really not a good match for her needs. You want to provide an environment for her that is as stable as possible. Making changes mid-year will only make it harder for her (and you) to begin again next year. Ask for, and listen carefully to, any advice that her teacher can give you.
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Keep your home environment as safe and predictable as possible. Stick to a routine and prepare her ahead of time for any changes in the routine. It may seem counterintuitive, but if she feels secure at home, she will be more comfortable being away from home.
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Make sure that you taking small steps at home to help her separate at school. Leave her with a trusted relative or baby-sitter for short periods of time throughout the week so she can adjust to being away from you (and knowing that you will return). Go to the park and sit on the bench while she plays with other children, instead of playing with her. Visit the home of a friend or relative and have her play in another room from where you are.
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Consider seeking the help of a mental health professional who has experience with families with adopted children. Another option would be to try to find a local or web-based support group of parents who have adopted children from other countries (if you can’t find one in your area, start one!). Both options will provide you with more information about what is normal behavior for a child with your daughter’s history, and what behavior you need to be concerned about.
