Ask the Child Psychologist

Disciplining Other People's Children

by Lisa Medoff

Dear Dr. Medoff,

Some of the other neighborhood mothers and I take turns watching the kids for a few hours after school so everyone gets a bit of a break without having to pay for babysitters. Normally this arrangement works out really well, but I’m never sure how to handle it when the other kids misbehave. From, Carolina

Dear Carolina,

Everyone comes from a different background, with a variety of values and ideas about the best way to raise children. These differences make it difficult even for two parents of the same child to negotiate the rules and expectations of their own home, and the difficulties multiply when children of other parents enter the situation. However, most parents are on the same page when it comes to wanting to raise polite, well-mannered children who are welcome guests at the homes of others, so they should be open to questions about how they would like you to discipline (and reward) their children while they are under your care.

A little bit of preparation ahead of time can help you prevent trouble from arising, as well as assist you in dealing with problems in the moment. Try some of the following ideas to see what works for you:

• Since you already have an arrangement with the other mothers, ask if it is possible to meet all together one time to make a list of rules and consequences that will be enforced at all of the homes. All parents should make it clear what types of discipline it would be acceptable for other parents to administer and what would not. It would also be helpful to have someone write up what each parent says and email it to everyone in the group.
• For parents who are having a child’s friend over for the first time, talk to that child’s parents ahead of time. Ask what the major rules and consequences are in their homes. Tell them about your home so they can prepare their child for what to expect while playing at your house.
• As you would with your own child, first make sure the child is not acting out for a reason that can be easily fixed, such as hunger or sleepiness.
• Don’t get caught up in the little things. You’re not in charge of other children’s entire etiquette education, so don’t make a big deal if they forget to say thank you one time, eat in a sloppy manner, or act a little bit more rambunctiously than your children normally do. You will be serving as a good role model for your child when it comes to being tolerant of a range of behavior in others.
• If one of the children is having trouble getting along with the others, don’t label that child as mean or difficult, either in your own mind or out loud to the other children. Instead say, “You seem like you’re having a tough day today. Do you need to play alone for a while until you feel better?”
• Try to redirect the entire group of kids into a different activity where the child who is having trouble will be more likely to behave well. 
• Be on the lookout for good behaviors in all of the children, especially the more difficult ones. Praise the children for the specific good behaviors that you see.
• Enlist the help of the child who is having difficulty to help you monitor the behavior of others. Often children who are misbehaving need a little bit of extra attention, and rise to the occasion when given some responsibility.
• Even if you are really having trouble with a child, refrain from threats of punishment, especially those that you cannot follow through on. Instead, tell the child that you really want him to have a good afternoon, and ask if you need to call his parents to see if they have any ideas about how to help him make better choices about his behavior.
• Try to control yourself if you do get frustrated. Don’t yell or make sarcastic comments such as, “You get away with that at your house?” or “You should know better than that!” Talk to them in a calm, but firm voice, and remind them of the rules. Say, “In our house, we don’t…. Instead we….”
• If you do end up losing control in some way, take a moment to calm down, and then explain to the children what happened, such as, “I got so worried when I saw you trying to climb up to the roof that I lost control. I’m sorry if I scared you by yelling, but I really need you to follow the rules when you’re at my house so that I can keep you safe.” Give a similar explanation to the parents when they come to pick up their child so that the story is not misunderstood when the child tells it at home.
• After the other children have left, make sure to talk to your own child about any bad behaviors that you saw. Talk about why you have the rules that you have, and what is expected in your home. Make it clear that different families have different rules. If your child was well-behaved, tell him what good behaviors you saw and how proud of him you are.