My teaching partner and I have decided that we will have a low-key, subdued party in the afternoon. The kids will have a chance to pass out their valentines and a little bit of candy, but there will be no giant food fest or day-long movie marathon.

I went to the store recently to pick up some cards to distribute to my kids. I looked for little candy hearts that said, "Only two weeks until TAKS!" or, "Remember: multiplication and division are NOT the same thing!" but I had no luck. I did find a plethora of High School Musical cards, though, which I avoided like an out-of-control nail gun.

During my first year as a teacher, I learned the lesson of fair valentines distribution. That was the year that I had one little boy who did not bring any cards for anybody, yet he had the audacity to sit at his desk and shout, "HEY! I didn't get one of those!" whenever anyone was slow in bringing him a cookie or cupcake.

Since then, I have made sure that each child receives a list of their classmates in advance along with the rule that everyone has to bring enough goodies for everyone else in the class. Thankfully, I haven't had any problems since then.

It's always nice to get a little something from my students, but I don't include myself in the "everyone" list. However, I have received some very memorable cards over the years.

One little girl gave me a beautiful handmade card with the message, "Even though you are a man, Valentine's Day is for everyone to have love." Thankfully, my gender shortcomings don't prevent me from feeling the joy of the day.

Then there was the store-bought card I received on February 14 of one year which read, "Happy Holidays!". I've always wondered if the poor kid's grandmother got a Valentine's Day card for Christmas that year.

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy Valentine's Day this year. If you see a little man in a diaper and angel wings headed your way, you're probably OK. Just watch out for the towering giant in the hockey mask.

As usual, some were much better than others, but they all had one thing in common -- they each cost their owner around $2 million.

It got me to thinking, if educators had a boatload of money and an insane desire to spend it all in 30 second increments, what sort of ideas might they put forth?

The first thing that sprang to mind was the image of a group of children in white dress shirts -- school uniform -- which have horrible orange stains down the front. One of the children steps forward and suavely says, "When I'm going for that post-lunch, eat-it-or-wear-it, sloppy look, only Hot Cheetos will do." A cartoon Chester Cheetah stands in the corner, silently nodding his approval.

Another commercial might show a teacher utilizing the "trade me your shoe for a pencil" strategy. As the kids can't hurt their pencils, the teacher patiently passes back Nikes, Reeboks, and Adidas shoes. As the last little girl hands over her pencil, the camera pans down to show that she is still wearing both shoes. The teacher smiles approvingly as she reaches behind the desk, picks up the little girl’s baby brother and hands him over. The little girl looks at the camera and says, "NOTHING gets between me and my New Balance!"

The next commercial fades in on a classroom where monkeys are sitting at every desk. It really doesn't matter what product is being advertised here; what's important is that the Super Bowl monkey quota has been filled.

My final idea would feature extreme close-ups on a pair of cell phone screens as they text message back and forth.

<>WR U AT?

SKOOL. THS TCHR S SOOO BORING!!

LOL!

PARNTS HERE, C U L8R!

The camera then pans out to reveal the cell phone user as a middle-aged man in a suit standing up from his seat in the back of a classroom. As he leaves the room he calls out, “Please excuse me, Miss Parker, I have that parent meeting to attend. Thanks for letting me observe a wonderful lesson!”

The actual commercials that were aired this year really weren’t bad. I think it might be fun someday to have a few school-related ads, though.

Just as long as they didn’t cost us 2 million dollars. I might be able to pull together a few thousand, if there were monkeys involved, but not 2 million.

However, though the length of the weekend is definitely nice, the school weeks are often among the most intense and dreaded. You see, we still have to fit a regulation educational week in, but we have less than a regulation week to do it.

For some reason, those short weeks seem to drag on and on, much like a bad Saturday Night Live skit.

For the past year or two, nearby districts have toyed around with the idea of a standard four-day school week. The length of those school days would be longer, to account for the absence of Friday school. The idea behind this is to save the district money. Two fewer bus routes would be necessary, the schools could go one more day without using as much electricity, food, and water, and perhaps there were other financial benefits as well.

When I first heard that, my suggestion was to take it a step further and do a total Jack Bauer. I proposed a ONE-day school week, where students arrive at noon on Monday and go straight through to noon on Tuesday. Twenty-four hours of continuous, unadulterated instructional time, and then SIX DAYS OFF!!!

The cost savings to the school district would be tremendous. Buses would only be needed twice a week, instead of ten times. Food costs would plummet, as only one breakfast, one lunch, and one dinner would be required per week (though I would think about adding a midnight snack). Air-conditioning costs would be cut, electricity bills would be slashed, water bills would be mutilated and spindled.

The best thing of all would be the joy and excitement on every student’s face when they recovered on Wednesday evening and realized that they still had more than four days before having to report back to school.

In conclusion: Time would be saved. Money would be saved. I’m just going to go ahead and say that research has shown that Academic Performance would be increased. Nothing but checks in the Win column!

Then again, three-day weeks ARE intense enough as it is. One-day school weeks might just turn every teacher and student into a mini-Jack Bauer, paranoid and aggressive. We’ve got enough kids and teachers like that already.

However, despite all of the stress and frustration that comes with being a teacher, there are certainly a lot of things that make it all worthwhile. Things that keep me in the profession. Besides laziness and a lack of motivation to update my resume, that is.

I thought that this week I would talk about my top 5 favorite things that happen at school. This is not a general list for all teachers, with such items as “Helping children,” or “working air conditioning.” No, this is more a list of little things that happen, either every day or from time to time, that make me smile.

Number 5: The way my kids think I am the world’s greatest genius because I can instantly answer the toughest math questions they can think of.

Of course, these questions are usually along the lines of, “What’s three times one million?” When I answer lightning fast, there’s an audible gasp and murmurs of awe.

Number 4: Throwing the football with my kids during recess.

A few weeks into the school year, recess was abolished, but then given back for one day a week. Thus, on Fridays, I take the ol’ pigskin outside and toss it around with some of the kids. It’s probably the most fun part of my week.

Number 3: The interaction with some of my former students.

One in particular is a little girl who occasionally runs up to me after school and yells, “Hi, Daddy!” I give her the expected response, which is, “Hello, Daughter!” After which she runs away giggling.

Number 2: My (Hispanic) students who greet me with, “Bon jour!” every morning.

First thing each morning, I pick my kids up from the gym and lead the long line back to my classroom. After I open the door, I stand there with my hand out, giving each child a (not so) high five and saying, “Good morning!” On some days, I would substitute this with, “Buenos dias!”

This got kind of boring. Saying, “Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!” 20-some times in a row made me feel very monotonous. So I started switching it up with “Bon jour!” “Guten morgan!” “Aloha!” and other similar phrases.

For whatever reason, Bon jour stuck with several of the boys, and now they shout it at me in the morning. It makes me smile. C’est la vie!

Number 1: One of my students saying, “Thank you for teaching me!”

It doesn’t happen very often. But the fact that it DOES happen, however infrequently, makes me feel great to be doing what I do.

No? That was just me? Well, then, I stand corrected. (But I doubt it.)

At any rate, when my students returned to class, I grilled them on what they had done to occupy themselves during the two week lay over. Here are a few observations about what they wrote.

Several of them didn’t catch me use the phrase “Quick Write,” so instead of writing down the major events of the vacation, they chose to give a minute-by-minute account. “First, I left the school and got onto the bus. Then I went to my apartment and had a snack…” For these kids, I never got any details past about 7 o’clock on the Friday that school let out.

For others, they gave more of a report on the whole time period, but there were a few kids who made sure to begin their journal entry with, “First, I did my homework for Ms. R,” or “The whole time, I practiced my math facts and science words.” Do Christmas treats include Brownie Points?

Even though this was an account of their Winter Break and not their Summer Break, some kids still said that they went to Six Flags and ate pizza! I can only assume they meant pizza from CiCi’s. If you’re wondering why I find that amusing, be sure to check my column about Summer Vacations.

Speaking of pizza, one of my girls was unfortunately sick when break began. She wrote, “Monday, my family take me to the doctor because I have fever, next they take me to the pizza to eat.” Ah, yes, feed a fever and starve a cold. Or was it the other way around?

I have become quite used to frequent misspellings, and I can usually see past them to what the child is trying to tell me. However, I did have to silently giggle for a few moments upon reading the journal of a boy who wrote, “I went to Booger King.”

My family has a tradition of setting one night aside and having a Christmas movie marathon. Apparently, one of my kids has a similar tradition. However, his theme is literally a nightmare before Christmas – not the movie of that name. He wrote that over the break, he saw Halloween, The Mummy Returns, Saw 3, and Saw IV. Ho Ho Ho??

From the sounds of things, my kids had a nice, relaxing, rejuvenating break. I did as well, and I’m looking forward to the second semester of school.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go meet a friend at the Booger King.

Just like last year, I find myself in the arguably enviable position of having my column run on New Year’s Day. As a result, I think I will pursue the time-honored action of many columnists throughout the years and use an old idea again!

I made a few New Year’s resolutions last January 1^st, and I’m proud to say that I lived up to some of them! Not so much on the one about eating less cafeteria food, though. Nacho Day still has its seductive grip on me.

For 2009, I am making some new resolutions. I cannot say whether I will have more fortitude in keeping these, but I vow to make every effort.

For my first resolution, I resolve to learn more Spanish. Now that I am teaching classes filled with Spanish-speaking students, I would like to be able to converse with them more fluently in their native tongue. I’m not just talking about expletives, either!

I resolve to watch for falling rocks at all times, not just when the sign tells me to.

I resolve to be less aggressively hostile towards all things related to Hannah Montana and High School Musical. It will be difficult, but I think I can do it. It’s just that they are SOOO… well, I don’t want to break this resolution already!

I resolve to put i before e more often, but I still refuse to do it after c. I have my scruples, after all.

I resolve to allow my students to use the restroom more often when they ask politely. I probably shouldn’t always wait until I see their eyeballs turning yellow before granting leave.

Finally, I resolve to bring this column to an end by not making any more resolutions! If you are reading this and care to share any of your own New Year’s resolutions, please feel free to add them to the comments.

Everyone be safe, don’t party too hard, and happy New Year to teachers, parents, students, and other readers alike!

Regardless, I figured that since today is Christmas Day, it might be a good idea to think of some new holiday songs that kids could sing with their parents and teachers around this time of year. I don’t want to reinvent the wheel here, so I’m keeping old familiar tunes and melodies and just updating the lyrics.

First, may I present “Deck the Walls.” (to the theme, duh, of "Deck the Halls")

Deck the halls with tests and papers, fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

The best fruits of pupils’ labors, fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Show the way to make the grade, fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la.

Just be sure it’s student made, fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Dare I say this one is sure to be a hit with the fans of rubrics and student profiles…

Next up is one that should sound familiar to anyone who works with kids – “Hark, the Tattling Angels Sing” (to the theme, again duh, of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing".)

Hark, the Tattling Angels Sing,

Little Billy is skipping.

I was first, he was behind me,

Punish him, I thank you kindly.

Here’s one for the kids to sing on their way to the cafeteria (to the theme of "Jingle Bells"):

Lunchroom smells, lunchroom smells, must be pizza – YAY!

Oh what fun it is to eat the same thing every day, OH!

Finally, a universal classic gets a modern face lift. This one should be sung to the theme of "We Three Kings."

We three kids who struggle in class,

Try our best but still come in last,

You’ve invested,

We’ve been tested,

Hopefully soon we’ll pass.

Who knows if these songs will become as beloved as their original counterparts, but at least you have something new for this year’s holiday celebrations.

Merry Christmas!!

However, as parents and teachers, we want to be sure that the kids’ minds don't completely turn into chocolate pudding during the two weeks they are away from school. We have all worked pretty hard for the past three months, and we don't want too much of that knowledge just fading from existence, the way it tends to during summer vacation.

This is especially true for high school students and middle school students who have to take mid-term exams. When I was in school, we took our mid-terms in December, BEFORE we went on vacation, when the information was still fresh in our minds. At least, it was as fresh as it could be, considering the fact that we were goofy, hormonally-charged adolescents.

Nowadays though, at least here in Texas, the semester doesn't actually end until January, after the kids have been back for two weeks. On this new schedule, students eat, drink, and be merry for two weeks with no school, then they come back and try to cram all of that knowledge back into their skulls for a week before being tested.

Myself, I am an elementary school teacher, so I don't need to worry about mid-term exams. Many of my kids tend to forget concepts and teachings over a regular two-day weekend, so a two-WEEK vacation is no big deal.

I would ask all of the parents who are reading this to do a few things to help keep your child's learning intact. Sure, let her enjoy the vacation -- here in nice warm Texas, the kids can wear their candy cane bathing suits when they go swimming, drink hot cocoa in the air-conditioned malls, or throw snowballs at each other online. They've earned a break (most of them, anyway).

At the same time, encourage them to keep practicing the skills they have been working on all year. They should still be reading every night -- and examining the list of ingredients on a box of chocolate covered cherries doesn't count. They can still work on their math skills. "Santa's reindeer leave eight sets of hoofprints on each rooftop. If they visit 11 houses on one street, how many sets of hoofprints will they leave in all?"

Your kids could investigate holiday traditions in other countries, to continue their social studies knowledge. They could even keep their science skills sharp by running an investigation titled, "Exactly What the #@^! IS Fruitcake?!?"

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and have a very safe break.

Therein lies a problem for many people. Invariably, someone turns into drunk Santa, Grabby George, or Ted, the Guy Who Hangs Mistletoe in Inappropriate Places.

This year, my school will be having an evening party at a nearby restaurant. According to other teachers I know, this is a normal occurrence, but it’s the first time in the six years I’ve taught there that we’ve done anything offsite. Usually, we just get a couple of sweets and a little memento.

It occurred to me that now might be a good chance to give everyone a few tips on things to avoid doing or saying in order to have a good time. Most of these can be applicable to teachers at a school party as well as to parents at an office party.

Always keep in mind that the people who work at the TGI Fridays may never see you again, but the partygoers are your colleagues. Therefore, take it easy on the beer, the tropical drinks, and yes, the ever present egg nog.

Unless you have actually, physically appeared on and won on the television show American Idol, do not attempt karaoke at an office party. I’m sure you sound great in the shower and the car, but if you value your reputation, stay away from the microphone.

Keep the politics talk to a minimum. Nobody wants to hear who you’re going to vote for in ’12.

Leave the papers to grade at school. You better believe the kids won’t be bringing their homework to THEIR Christmas parties.

I hope that these tips help you and yours as you plan and attend your holiday parties over the next couple of weeks. Be careful, and have a good time!!

As they say, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a roasted chestnut.

In the past, we had gone to The Science Place, the Museum of Folk History, and a large campground with plenty of activities for the kids. Of course, we had needed several school buses to take us there. Buses we could not afford this year. Furthermore, even if these places were close enough to walk to, a ban had been placed on walking field trips last year as well.

For the first four years that I taught at my school (and many years prior to that, from what I've heard), every grade would have their own day to walk down to a nearby park for a day of outdoors fun and recreation. Two years ago, while we were at that park, we were frantically called back to the school by our principal because there was an armed madman roaming the neighborhood. Nevermind the fact that the guy turned out to be in a neighborhood around 10 miles away, the damage had been done. There have been no walking field trips to that park ever since.

My fellow teachers and I have decided to have a few groups come to our school and put on presentations. Unfortunately, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders were unavailable (and WAY too expensive), so we had to explore other options.

In the past, we’ve had people come in and bring Legos for a simple machines demonstration. We’ve also had a group called KidProv come in and do improvisational skits with the kids. One of those times, I was even (forceably) called out of the audience and pressed into service in one of the skits. A skit that I daresay will stick in the memory of everyone present for all time.

This year, though, we’ve decided to try a few new activities. The one that sounds the most interesting to me involves a study of Egyptian hieroglyphics with a focus on the animals involved in the symbols and writing. In addition to being a neat lesson about another culture with its own alphabet, the kids will learn how to write their own names in hieroglyphics.

This should be very interesting, seeing as how there are some very interesting, non-Egyptian, names in the third grade.

First of all, I should of course give thanks to Al Gore for creating the Internet and thus providing me a means of communicating these thoughts directly to you.

Next, I am incredibly thankful, year after year, that God saw fit to create the bird known as the turkey. I am a big fan of the chicken, but when it comes to meals that make my mouth water a week in advance, there is no substitute for a nice roasted turkey. (As a corollary to that, I should add that I am also thankful for the creation of mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and a little thing I like to call the cranberry.)

Also, I am thankful to have survived the Reduction in Force levied by my school district last month and grateful to remain gainfully employed. Furthermore, I am even more thankful to have been moved to a position where I have such a wonderful class. I have kids who say, "This is fun!" as we're doing our math work in class. I have students who shout, "YESSS!!!" when I assign homework. I even have a couple of students who have said, "Thank you for teaching me math!" It's like a Christmas miracle, and it's not even Christmas yet!

Following up on that last one, I am thankful that my current crop of students has very supportive parents. Not once have any of them blamed me for causing their children to fight on the playground. None of them have hung up on me when I have expressed concern over their child's classwork. One of them even came up to the school to see why her son had not brought home his conduct folder the week before. Turns out, he had forged her signature. She didn't even blame me for that!!

I am of course thankful for my health. Minor problems aside, it is nice to have a full complement of fingers, toes, lungs, and vertebrae.

Lastly, as Velveeta cheesy as it may sound, I am thankful to everyone who reads my writings -- whether you chuckle knowingly, shake your head slowly and uncomprehendingly, or slam the keyboard in anger. It's good to know that I'm not just talking to myself, as it seemed to be the case for 30 years.

And now it's your turn. Please share with us what YOU are thankful for.

Don't mind me if I get up for seconds -- I'm still listening.

My intent today is to decipher these codes for you. Sure, they would appear to be transparent on the surface, easy to understand. Many people don't realize though that these codes often have much deeper meanings, not always apparent to the untrained observer.

For example, the conduct code that states, "Needs improvement in completing assigned task," is generally taken to indicate that the student is not doing his/her homework or getting much finished during classwork. However, this code could also be a sign that little Jimmy is being sent down to the teacher’s lounge to obtain a refreshing beverage for the teacher but instead getting distracted by a fly on the wall in the hallway.

Another code that is often misinterpreted is, "Needs improvement in working independently." Generally taken to mean that the child cannot or will not do his or her work without talking, this is actually not the case. It's a little-known fact (to quote the great Cliff Claven) that this particular code is a carry over from the 1800s, when Texas had only recently been annexed from Mexico. Many students at the time still felt and acted as if they were under the control of Mexico, so teachers would stress the aspect of independence.

The code that states, "Needs improvement in writing legibly" is often vastly overcomplicated. Parents see this note and think that the teacher means that the student has poor handwriting. In actuality, the code means exactly what it says. The child has difficulty writing the word, "legibly." Several million adults have this problem as well, most probably due to the fact that "legibly" is not a frequently used word.

In the comments field for mathematics, one code that often appears is, "Needs improvement in recalling basic facts." It's true that this code can apply to children who have not learned their basic addition and subtraction. However, it can also refer to kids who cannot seem to remember their teacher’s name. I personally use it all the time on kids who call me, "Mr. Peterson," "Mr. Pierce," or "Mr. Pierceman.”

Unfortunately, in this limited forum, I have only had time to scratch the surface of da Teacher Code. There are nearly one hundred codes for us to choose from, each with its own complexity of meaning and various interpretations.

For a full disclosure, check out the forthcoming best seller, sure to be a hit when endorsed by Oprah Winfrey.

When the votes were tallied and all the chads were unhung, Obama had won by a landslide. Not only that, but when the results were announced, my kids cheered wildly!

I had no idea my kids were so politically savvy or interested in the election process. I also thought maybe the kids thought they were voting for THE Rock rather than BA-Rack.

Earlier this week, I asked them to write down who they voted for and why. As I expected, the majority of my 41 kids voted for Obama, but their reasons were quite interesting.

Only two of my students voted for John McCain. One of them said he voted for McCain because he is a Republican and Obama is a Democrat. Who knew even children so young could be influenced by straight party lines? Though I also had an anti-Republican vote from a boy who said he voted for Obama, “because John McCain was gonna be the same as George W. Bush.”

Of all the Obama votes, I was very surprised at one of the rationales that showed up repeatedly. One child wrote, “John McCain wants to send the Mexican people to Mexico.” Another wrote, “I voted for Obama because he wants the Mexicans to stay in Dallas.” Yet another wrote, “I voted for Obama because if John McCain won he was gonna send us all to Mexico.”

His sentiment was repeated in about 10 other testimonials. I will be the first to admit that I don’t follow politics very closely (about as closely as the average American follows New Zealand ice hockey scores), but I think I would have taken notice if McCain had really been talking about expelling immigrants.

Two kids said that Obama got their vote because he wants kids to go to school on Saturday and Sunday. I’m not sure that sort of thing would get him many votes from teachers, though.

Finally, one of my less astute kids said that she voted for Barack because she wanted him to be the new president of Dallas, Texas.

Regardless of misconceptions or incorrect information, it’s good that the kids got so excited about the democratic process. Hopefully, president Obama will serve them well by letting them stay in Dallas and fulfilling their other wishes.

Except for that one about school on the weekends. Even teachers need sleep once in awhile.

In a nutshell, the good folks in the upper echelons of DISD provided us math teachers with a perfect real-world example of why it is so important to understand math, and the consequences that occur when you don't.

Hundreds of teachers were hired last summer to reduce class sizes and help with overcrowding. However, the district mistakenly forgot to include those teachers’ salaries in the budget. In September, the news came out that Dallas was going to be $48 million in the hole.

A few days later, that number jumped to $84 million, and the term "RIF" began to be whispered. RIF stands for Reduction In Force. Basically, the district's plan to lower the shortfall was to fire hundreds of teachers. Somebody’s been watching too much Apprentice!!

Concurrent with the RIF, the district also had to implement campus leveling, which would have occurred anyway. Leveling is combining small classes, spreading out larger classes, and, if necessary, moving teachers to alternate positions.

Needless to say, with the double threat of being RIFed or leveled (or Rick Rolled, which would make it a triple threat), there were a lot of very nervous teachers in my town.

When judgment day finally came and the dust settled, my school had been pretty radically affected. Teachers had been offered a sort of "buy-out" option, which would pay them through January. Four teachers and our principal took that option. Three teachers at my school were RIFed. Five more teachers were relocated to other campuses. Finally, about 10 of the remaining teachers were reassigned to different positions on our campus.

I was fortunate enough to remain at my school. However, I did have to change positions. I am no longer teaching math and science; I am not even teaching the kids I had for the first eight weeks of school. Instead, I am now part of the third grade Dual Language program, teaching students who receive half of their instruction every day in English and half in Spanish. Thankfully, I'm responsible for the English half.

Last Monday was like starting the school year over anew. I had a brand new partner, who had moved up from teaching second grade. I had 40 brand new kids, all needing to learn my rules and procedures. Also, I had a brand new subject to teach. I'm still teaching math, but now I also teach English Language Arts, which I've never taught before.

The Adventure continues! Now I can only hope that my district doesn't make any more mistakes that affect our school year.

Oh wait, I just read that they fired too many people and now they have posted job openings for 60 positions.

Kids, this is why it's important to learn your math...

As part of a writing assignment, the kids were asked to choose one type of forest ecosystem and to write a letter to a classmate, telling them what it's like there and why they like living there.

It was interesting to see which classmate each child chose to write to. A few kids addressed their letter to me or my teaching partner, but of the rest, there were very few kids who wrote to another student in their small group.

It was even more interesting to read through their letters and see what they were saying about their forests.

Most of the kids stuck to facts and talked about tall trees and lots of animals. A few, however, delved into the world of fantasy to talk about how they would be able to ride on cheetahs and fly on eagles.

After racing leopards and climbing to the tops of trees with his monkey friends, one boy said he would, "make a tent and fire from animals and sticks." Perhaps he meant the animals unfortunate enough to lose the races.

Another boy channeled his inner Tarzan as he described swinging on vines and speaking to the animals. Hopefully, he was warning them away from kids who would turn them into tents and fires!

There were some outstanding letters from kids who had their facts straight, such as the girl who talked about how pretty her deciduous forest was in the fall, when the leaves change color and began to drop from the trees. Or from another child who told her friend about the three main layers of the rain forest.

There were also a fair share of factual inaccuracies, such as that of the young man who started his letter by saying, "I like tropical forests because they are not rainy." Among the rain forest inhabitants, one boy listed, "tigers, armadillos, monkeys, snakes, and pirates." I'm really hoping he meant parrots.

All in all, it was a fun exercise, and it gave me a chance to see what the kids had learned about forest ecosystems. It also made me glad that none of us actually do live in a forest.

I would hate to be turned into a tent by a speedy pirate!

I'm talking about when my kids tell me things that I already know, and they say these things in a tone that implies that I do not in fact already know.

An example. We have only been in school for six weeks, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I have had kids tell me, "You're tall," about 700 times. There's no sense of wonder or horror when they say this, as in, "Golly gee willakers, you're tall! Please don't eat us!" Rather, their tone is casually informative, the same tone they would use if they were telling me my shoes were untied or my zipper was open.

Another instance of my kids stating the bloody obvious comes when a classmate is absent. When it's time to line up for lunch, I call the kids by table."Table three, line up." The kids all shout, "Sarah's absent!" like I hadn't already noticed.

This is when my sarcastic side inevitably comes out in full force. I will reply, "Oh, well then I guess Sarah doesn't have to line up!" Or, taking another approach, I might gasp in surprise and say, "WHAAAAAAAT??!?!? Sarah's not here?? Who have I been talking to for the past hour??"

Of course, since the kids don't really understand sarcasm at this point, they stare at me uncomprehendingly, as if I was speaking Russian or talking about subtraction.

Any time I write a little note or comment on a student's paper or test, they don't seem to understand where the note came from. When I pass the papers out, they will excitedly call me over to tell me, “Look! It says ‘Good job!’” Or, “Look! It says, ‘Please write neatly!’”

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I replied, "Yes, I know, for you see -- it was I who wrote that!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Probably just more blank stares.

I know I shouldn't complain. At least the kids are talking to me instead of remaining speechless. I would hate to have a group of kids walking around, straight out of "Children of the Damned," freakishly mute and staring balefully at me, doing weird things with their minds.

No, I'm thankful to have so many kids who thoughtfully remind me of my height on a daily basis. I just hope it never gets to the point where they're telling me, "You smell really bad," repeatedly.

Not just your common cold, either. Nope, I came down with sinusitis last week, which seems to be merely a cold at first – congestion, sore throat, itchy eyes – until it brings out its big guns and takes away your voice.

That’s right, on Thursday afternoon, I lost my voice and could barely speak. I don’t know if I just didn’t get enough sleep, or if I caught it from one of the kids, though I do have my suspicions. I always give each student a high five as they walk into my room, and early in the week, one little girl gave me five then said, “I have a cold.” In exactly the same informational tone that she might have said, “I like turtles.”

I think the kids were frightened by how I sounded with no voice. I could either hiss like Voldemort speaking Parseltongue or I could talk at the top of my voice, which was like hearing a weak AM radio station coming in on every fourth word.

Frightened or not, though, they never seemed to get the idea, “maybe we should give Mr. Pearson a break and not require him to talk so much.” Instead, it was as if they got even needier, taking no visual cues and having to be told what to do for everything.

I always have a list of things to do written on the board so that the students can (theoretically) come in and start working without needing any additional instructions from me. On Friday morning, though, most of the kids came into my room and either sat and looked at me or stood around and looked at me. I tried a visual cue – pointing at the board, where task number one was clearly defined. After that, I still had about five kids looking at me expectantly, their eyes saying, “Good, good, ok, I see you pointing, that’s fun, ok, now tell me what to do!”

I can’t hold anything against the kids, when even the adults weren’t taking the hint. Despite it being quite obvious that it pained me to speak, fellow teachers would ask, “How did this happen? What are you going to do to cure it? Would you please give us your complete medical history, and spare no details?”

Of course, they also asked why I was there at school, and why I hadn’t just stayed home. As I wrote in a column last year, I hate taking days off. They’re just more trouble than they’re worth. There wouldn’t be a sub, so my kids would get split up amongst the other third grade teachers. More importantly, we’d be way behind when I came back. I guess I’m really stubborn, but I would rather soldier through a day of feeling awful than miss a day and have to play catch up.

Thankfully, I have no social life, so I can use the weekend (and a heaping dose of antibiotics) to throw out this illness and get my voice back.

Now I just hope I can get through a nice chunk of the school year without getting sick again. Maybe it’s time to switch from high fives to Howie Mandell fist bumps.

For instance, the teacher may ask your child, "What is your name?"A GOOD answer would be, "Edward," or "Donisha," or whatever your child's real name is. A BAD answer would be, "My peeps call me Mac Daddy Zeno, the Pokémon Playa!"

Another question might be, "How did you spend your summer?" A typical GOOD answer would be, "It was fun. We went to Sea World and Cici’s Pizza, and I got a new puppy!" A rather BAD answer would be, "My dad got caught trying to smuggle illegal fighting llamas into the country, so we visited him every Thursday from one to four at the Henderson County lockup. Also, my new puppy smells like paint thinner."

The teacher will probably ask, "What did you learn last year?" Your child is providing a GOOD answer if she replies, "I learned my times tables, I learned how money is made, and I know the capital of China is Beijing."Conversely, your child is giving a BAD answer if he responds, "I learned that you can jimmy the lock on a teacher's car in five seconds with clear cover and the proper equipment."

Teachers often ask if their students know their parents’ phone numbers. A GOOD response to a question like this might be, "Yes, we practice it every night in case of an emergency." A BAD response to this question might be, "Yes, but I never call that number because it's $4.99 for the first minute and $1.99 for each additional minute."

Out of concern for safety, a teacher may ask your child, "How do you get home after school?" GOOD responses to this question are, "I take the school bus," or, "My granny picks me up out front." The answer of, "My mom's friend ‘Stinky’ usually picks me up on his rusty old Yamaha. We have to share a helmet," would definitely be a BAD answer.

Of course there are many other questions that teachers will be asking their students this week and all year long. Hopefully, this little primer will help guide your efforts in getting your kids ready to put their best foot forward.

One word of advice -- I would suggest practicing these questions and answers with your kid yourself. Results might not be so good if you leave the practice up to "Uncle Stinky."

•  Bronze Medal ---------- nachos and cheese


• Silver Medal ---------- pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick


• Gold Medal   ----------   fried cheese sticks

• Bronze Medal ------------- "Do I have to show my work on this?"


• Silver Medal   -------------- "Can I have an eraser?" (When they haven't even written anything yet!)


• Gold Medal     ------------- "What do we do when we're done?" (When they haven't even written anything yet!)

• Bronze Medal -------------- "This knee is too big."


• Silver Medal   --------------- "My hand feels like it's going to throw up."


• Gold Medal     -------------- "Last night I was watching TV, and it got really bright, and it hurt my eyes, and now I think I'm blind."

• Bronze Medal -------------- "Pluto blowed up?"


• Silver Medal --------------- "Pluto is small enough to fit in this room?"


• Gold Medal    --------------   "Pluto crashed into Uranus?"

•  Bronze Medal ----------------- destroying a toilet by slashing it with a screwdriver


• Silver Medal   ----------------- stealing the class pet, a guinea pig, from a classroom


• Gold Medal     ----------------- bringing 20 grams of marijuana to school and rolling it in a construction paper “doobie”

• Bronze Medal   ----------------   An egg. One single, unpackaged, run-of-the-mill chicken’s egg


• Silver Medal     ----------------   A tranquility fountain (during a very stressful year)


• Gold Medal       ---------------    A 14 inch tall authentic Nutcracker figurine

•  Start to recalibrate your sleep cycle -- If you're like me, you've spent the past couple of months going to bed at 3 a.m. and getting up at noon. That's just not going to fly during the school year. Use the next few weeks to gradually ease back into those early hours. Get up at 10 next week, get up at 8 the following week. Soon you'll be ready (or at least more prepared) for that painful 5:30 alarm bell.


• Sharpen some pencils -- Would you rather sharpen 20 pencils a day for the next three weeks, or 420 pencils the day before school starts? Put on the Rocky theme song, and think of it as the teacher equivalent of drinking raw eggs and punching slabs of beef.


• Get your Fantasy Football squad in order -- If you play fantasy football, you'll want to do all of your research and have your draft before you get bogged down in school activities. Choose wisely, and avoid those players likely to come down with torn hamstrings, high ankle sprains, and that most horrid of sports injuries -- lacerated buttocks.


• Hit all of the bargain sales at local retailers -- If you work for a district where all school supplies are provided every year, good for you, go away. For the rest of us who have to plunk down our own money for much of our inventory, now is the time to catch these items cheap. Keep an eye out for teacher discounts at Office Max, Office Depot, and Office Office Office.


• Visit a doctor -- Having your days free helps with scheduling appointments, but also, many school districts have benefits calendars that roll over on September 1. Schedule any necessary visits now, before your deductibles reset. I'm thinking about squeezing in stops to a plastic surgeon, an OB/GYN, and a veterinarian just to take advantage of my co-pay!

As you can see, if you follow this list, you'll be a happy camper come the first day of school. Now if I can just remember to set my alarm for 10:59 tomorrow...

• Make sure they are reading! Every day is best, but every other day is acceptable over the summer. All kids can benefit from reading practice, whether they can barely read (help them with Go, Dog, Go!) or they are operating on a college level (give them Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment and stand back).

• Keep them occupied for hours by asking them to search for words that rhyme with "orange."

• For math practice, have them keep an updated bar graph and data table that charts the results of Olympic events. Before each contest, your kids can make their predictions of who they think will win and graph those results as well. Just remember -- the Olympics are an amateur event, so no wagering, please.

• Engage them in a spirited debate on who is the better Jason -- Bateman or Giambi?

• Help them research the Eskimo language and then come up with a brand new word for "snow" (2618 and counting!)

• Encourage them to exercise! Get them started on the workout family consisting of push-ups, sit-ups (push-up’s brother), and leg lifts (push-up’s redheaded step cousin).

• Along the same lines, make sure they are eating healthy. Don't serve them pancakes wrapped around sausages on sticks for breakfast. They'll get plenty of those when they return to school in August.

• Develop those mapmaking skills by asking them to draw the neighborhood. This is actually a valuable skill in math AND social studies. The map need not be perfectly to scale, but it should be accurate. In other words, your home shouldn't be an inch away from Six Flags if your neighbor is on the other side of the piece of paper.

• Did I suggest reading yet? Tell them to read some more! The better they can read (and comprehend what they've read), the better they will perform in all other subjects in school.

• These are just a few suggestions for activities to help your children make it through the long summer vacation. Get them started on this list, and there won't be another boring moment soon.

Let's start with the most frequent claim I hear: Teachers work from 8 to 3.

Come on, a mere second's worth of thought proves that to be completely nonsensical. How could anyone believe that as soon as the bell rings at three o'clock, the students run out to the school buses and the teachers run out to the parking lot?

For one thing, who do they think cleans up the classroom and gets things ready for the next day? Magical house elves? While it's true that some teachers (including yours truly) do spend the last few minutes of class time asking the kids to clean up the room -- house elves, perhaps, but not so magical -- there's still so much left to do on any typical day. Making notes, calling parents, grading papers, and many other tasks that can't always be done during class time keep most teachers an hour or two MINIMUM after school each day. That's not even considering all of the after school meetings!

Here's another ridiculous notion: Teachers get entire days off to plan their lessons.

The person who wrote this on a blog I read seems to think that we work with our children Monday through Thursday, and every Friday we sequester ourselves at a back table at Chili's and plan out the next week around nachos and margaritas.

The truth is that we have a 45-minute "planning period" every day while our kids are at PE or art or music. Aside from our lunch break, this is the only time that we are not with our students. However, this planning period is not always a true break, as it is frequently used for parent conferences or impromptu meetings with the principal, the test coordinator, or other members of the faculty.

The rest of the time, we use our planning period for lesson planning, deciding what strategies work best, choosing what homework should be given, creating tests, and preparing copies and assignments. Hey, at least we get to sit down during this time!

The last myth to discuss is by far the most infuriating: Teaching is just a part-time job.

I'm sure people say this because teachers get the summers off. The fact is, though, the school year is like an entire calendar year's worth of work condensed into about nine months. I've seen both worlds. I've experienced corporate life -- four years as America's Next Top Engineer! -- so it really irks me when people who have no idea what they're talking about say teachers have it easy.

Let's consider a few facts. Teachers get 30 minutes for lunch each day, and by the time we get our kids settled in the cafeteria and get our food, we usually have about 20 minutes to scarf down our meal. No two-hour "business lunches" for us.

Aside from lunch and planning period, teachers are intensely active -- talking, moderating, guiding -- from eight to three. There are no games of Solitaire, no discussions at the water cooler, and no half-hour smoke breaks, four times a day.

Teachers have to plan vacations during June, July, or August. Unlike our corporate brethren, we can't fly to Cancun for a week in May or visit friends in Chicago for a spell in October. We get five personal days off per year, and if more than two of those are consecutive days, a doctor's note is required.

The work schedules might look different on paper, but really, comparing teaching to the business world is like comparing apples to oranges.

It's time for the oranges to stop bad mouthing the apples.

Of course, if you're reading this online column, you probably already know all about spam. It probably annoys you just as much as it annoys me. I've gotten used to filtering through all of the spam that comes through my Yahoo accounts. However, I was surprised earlier this year when my school e-mail account started collecting spam.

Apparently, the district server guardians must have just flipped the filter to the off position, because the junk e-mail influx was sudden and overpowering. I had been getting five or six e-mails per day -- one or two from the principal or test coordinator, a couple of district announcements -- but all of a sudden, I was getting 40 e-mails a day.

Most of these new e-mails touted pharmaceuticals, websites, or cheap stocks. The drug e-mails were pretty limited in scope, as well. Nothing useful, like Advil or even Fractorix (Google it!). Mostly drugs to be consumed by men but enjoyed by women. Around Christmas time, I was harangued on a daily basis by both Santa Claus AND Jack Frost, who were competing to enlarge a specific part of my body. I was tempted to write to both of them that I only give my business to Rudolph, but I know better than to reply to spam e-mails. That only encourages them.

A very odd incident occurred around mid-January. Someone in the district opened up Pandora's Inbox. They opened some sort of virus-containing e-mail that started a chain reaction throughout the server system. One morning, I checked my e-mail and had 10 messages, all from different people (none of whom I knew), all with the same subject."I need soup cans and pantyhose!" My first thought was, "WOOHOO!! Someone's having a par-tay!!"

Then it became obvious that some sort of spam bomb had gone off in the district server. By the end of the day, I had received about 20 more e-mails with the same subject; by the end of the week, over a hundred.

In recent months, the spam filter has been working again, and junk e-mails are very rare. Thank goodness, because with so many bogus messages, it's easy to accidentally delete an important message along with the garbage.

I certainly wouldn't want to accidentally throw away that e-mail titled "Top 10 Monty Python skits of all time."

Geometry is always a fun topic to teach. At the third grade level, geometry really amounts to identifying shapes. The kids have at least heard of most of the flat shapes – pentagon, trapezoid, hexagon, octagon – but the 3-dimensional shapes are brand new to them.

For some reason, they immediately understand that soda cans and soup cans are cylinders. However, anything else that has a round component throws them for a loop. They'll frequently identify the wall clock, a bus tire, and a doughnut as spheres. The cylinder/sphere controversy, though, is nothing compared to the pyramid/prism issue.

For anyone unfamiliar with the jargon, a pyramid is a 3-dimensional shape whose faces are triangles that meet at an apex. The base, or bottom face, can be any shape, and that shape lends its name to the pyramid. Thus, you have triangular pyramids, square pyramids, rectangular pyramids, etc. The Pyramids in Egypt are square pyramids. A triangular prism, on the other hand, looks like a pup tent. It has only two triangles, on opposite ends, separated by rectangular faces.

I suppose the confusion arises because there are triangles involved with both shapes. Kind of like the confusion in telling Tommy Boy and Black Sheep apart because both movies involve Chris Farley.

I've tried all sorts of things to help the kids remember the differences between prism and pyramid, but there are always those who just don't get it.

Back to the 2-dimensional shapes now. Of all the shape names, the kids love hexagon the best. How do I know this? Because that's their first response to just about ANY shape beyond circle, square, triangle. When they see a stop sign, their initial thought is, "Oooh! Hexagon!" When I ask them to count the sides, and they see eight, they know it's an octagon. Unfortunately, on a test, I'm not able to grant them a second guess.

See, the kids are pretty good when it comes to remembering how many sides each shape has. They know that an octa-gon had eight sides because an octa-pus has eight arms. And they know that a hexagon has six sides because hexagon has an “X” in it, and six is the number that has an “X” in it.Of course, this little trick DOES cause confusion in the kids who say, "hectagon” and “oxagon.”

Getting the kids to slow down and count the sides instead of just picking their favorite answer is the truly difficult part. If only there was a way to ensure that the kids remembered their traffic signs before choosing a name. Then perhaps they would Yield their thoughts, Stop their initial impulse, and more closely resemble Slow Children at Play.

The Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills is the state standardized test, taken by students in grades 3 through 12. For some levels, passing the TAKS is a mandatory requirement for progressing to the next grade. This is true for third grade, which, if I hadn't mentioned it yet, is the very first time students are exposed to the test.

The pressure is pretty high on the kids, and TAKS day is long and stressful. It's an incredibly long day for teachers as well, as we have nothing to do but walk around the room, watching kids stare at their tests. It is a quiet day as well, as during the test we are allowed to say very little to the children. Any question they ask must be answered with, "Just do your best."

"How do you say this word?" Just do your best.

"I don't understand this question." Just do your best.

"I fell on my pencil, and now I'm bleeding profusely from the ear!" Just do your best.

Have I mentioned that the kids we are watching, yet not talking to, are not even our own kids? Oh no, we're no longer allowed to administer the TAKS to our own students, on account of some teachers cheating a few years back.

Now, I'd like to state clearly that I do not condone cheating in any way, but I especially oppose cheating when it is done moronically. When only thirty percent of your kids pass the state assessment one year, but the following year every one of those students not only passes, but achieves a perfect score -- that tends to raise some red flags.

As a result, all of us nose-to-the-grindstone, salt-of-the-earth, other-generic-cliché-fulfilling teachers reap the penalties. Tomorrow, I will be in a fourth-grade classroom while my kids take their test under the watchful eye of another teacher whom they occasionally glimpse in the hall, but do not know well. Does this teacher swap have any effect on their mood or performance? Imagine going to your doctor's office, and seeing your mail carrier walking in to examine you, and you may have some idea.

Another requirement for test day is that everything with print on it must be taken down or covered up. Not just writing relevant to the test. EVERYTHING. I even have to cover up the number line and cursive alphabet on my walls. I guess the district personnel are afraid of the scenario where a child is stumped on a sequence question but then looks up, sees the scripted Q, and suddenly knows the correct answer.

I find it very ironic that the TAKS Administrator Guidebook states that all these things must be removed or covered, but the very next bullet point states that there should be no aspect of the testing room that causes discomfort to the student. They really need to add an asterisk and a footnote that reads, "except for the colored paper on the walls and the unknown stranger walking menacingly around the room."

If you read this today or tomorrow, please say a little prayer for the kids and their success on TAKS. And if you could, throw in a little request for a decent breakfast as well. I shudder to think how well they'll do after feasting on frosted-pancake-sausage-wraps on a stick.

When I began teaching, excruciating detail was not required. In fact, I used to submit a piece of royal blue construction paper with the words, "Teaching my guts out" scrawled on it with a silver crayon. When pressed for more detail, I revised it to, "Teaching my guts out -- in Portable 6."

Of course, I jest. Lesson plans are exactly what the name suggests. Teachers list what topics they will be covering, what activities they will be using, and what homework they will be assigning.

Most teachers generally have an idea already entrenched in their mind of what they will be doing. The lesson plan can serve as a helpful reminder, but it's often not referenced during the week at all. The lesson plan is really for cases where a substitute or teacher's assistant needs to step in for whatever reason to replace the teacher. Since these good folks would NOT know what the current level of learning was in the classroom, they would rely heavily on the lesson plan.

It used to be relatively simple and straightforward. Educator A will be teaching "Vowel sounds" on Monday and Tuesday from 9:30 to 10:30, using phonics cards and assigning partners. Instructor Z is introducing strategies for converting fractions to percentages on Monday afternoon, using pages 312-318 of Decimals for Dummies, and assigning page 320 for homework.

This year, however, much more is being demanded, at least in the district where I work. Lesson plans must include a list of special education students along with their individual accommodations. They also must include groupings of students and differentiated activities for each group. "Group 1 – TP, AC, MM, and BL – Tier 1 – use counting bears to add 1-digit numbers; Group 3 – PY, BC, LK, and NW – Ext. group – investigate byproducts of nuclear fission."

In addition to these details, we now must include Accountable Talk on our lesson plans. Accountable Talk is one of the Standards, or Principles, of Learning (see my column on Buzzword Bingo). We actually have to write questions that we are going to ask during the week, such as, "Is snow a liquid, solid, or gas?" or "How can you determine an author's purpose?" on our lesson plans! As this has, in effect, turned our plans into scripts, I have been sorely tempted to express solidarity with the striking Hollywood writers by refusing to cross the picket line. Sadly, that opportunity has now passed since the strike is over.

So far, I've been able to keep up with the necessary changes. I'm just dreading the day that so much detail is required on my lesson plan that I have to state exactly what color tie I will be wearing each day.

Many, if not most, kids love sports as well. When sports are integrated into the classroom, there is often an increase in interest and participation.

There are many ways to link sports into the academic curriculum. Sports scores can easily be culled from the newspaper or internet and used as data in student creations of graphs. Batting averages are good in the study of decimals and percentages. NFL players’ off-field actions are often quite useful studies for law students.

Wait, I meant to focus on elementary school examples here.

Here's an idea for a creative writing exercise. Have students create a 30-second Super Bowl commercial. Remind them to consider that this ad would cost them $2.7 million if it were really aired, so it has to be super.

For geography class, the kids could research fun facts and locations on a map of all of the teams participating in World Cup Soccer. Just be ready to discuss vocabulary words "riot" and "hooligans."

Earlier this year, I had my kids play a game called Placeball, based loosely on baseball. The kids would "run the places," calling out the value at each one. Cries of, "Ones! Tens! Hundreds! Thousands! Ten Thousands! Hundred Thousands!" filled the room, and ideally filled their brains.

Sometimes I use sports-related tables to monitor progress or test results. Learning the multiplication facts is an ongoing goal of my third graders. I keep track of their progress on a giant football field bulletin board on the back wall of my classroom. When a student masters the 4’s facts, his jersey moves to the 4-yard line. Scoring a Multiplication Touchdown requires progressing from the zero to the 10-yard line.

When the NCAA college basketball tournament starts, I begin my own tourney in the classroom. I call it "March Mathness" and I draw up brackets containing the names of all my students. We continue studying the topics in the curriculum, but weekly test scores determine which students move to the next rounds and which are placed into the "Second Chance Competition."

These are only a few examples and ideas. I haven't even touched on boxing, NASCAR, tennis, or the Olympics. But if it's something that excites the kids, it will almost certainly inspire them to try harder academically.

And for those kids who still want to be stubborn, no matter what -- you can always put them in the penalty box.

Up until recently, breakfast was served in the school cafeteria. From 7:15 until 7:45, the kids could enjoy their steak and eggs while perusing the Wall Street Journal and discussing politics with their peers. I'm kidding, of course. To be more accurate, replace "steak and eggs" with "cereal," replace "Wall Street Journal" with "Pokemon cards" and replace "discussing politics" with "fighting and arguing."

After Thanksgiving break, my school switched to a new format. Now breakfasts are served in the classroom. Two insulated bags are delivered to my door (and every door) each morning. One contains milk and juice cartons, the other holds the daily foodstuff. I get to be the maitre d'.

Now the first 15 minutes of every day are spent on breakfast. Notice I don't say they are spent on eating. I am amazed at how much gets thrown away. It's a constant struggle for me to get my kids to actually eat. They pick up their food and drink, take them to their desks, and then leisurely nibble and sip while talking and laughing.

I wind up coming across as a mix between an Italian mother -- "Mange! Mange!” -- and the announcer from Mortal Kombat -- "FINISH IT!!!”

There are a few good things about having the breakfasts in class. All of the kids (at least the kids who aren't tardy) do get a chance to eat breakfast, which they might not get at home. Also, teachers can partake of the feast as well, and I haven't had this much chocolate milk since I was in third grade myself.

Overall, though, I'm not too keen on the switch. For one thing, I've lost 15 minutes of instructional time each day. My kids, loquacious as they are, had gotten pretty good about coming into class and getting started on the morning activity right away. Right now, the transition between breakfast desktop and math desktop has not been a smooth one.

In addition, the breakfast options leave a little something to be desired. Remember Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs from Calvin and Hobbes? Our daily breakfasts come pretty close to that in terms of inducing hyperactivity. Pop tarts, honey rolls, and these pancake-wrapped sausage-on-a-stick thingies are among the menu items I've passed out. I'm thinking individually wrapped sugar packets can't be too far away.

Finally, the potential for spillage disaster is always prevalent. I'm fortunate in that my classroom has a sink and a tile floor. We can dump unfinished milk and juice into the sink before throwing the cartons into the trash bag. I feel for the teachers with no sinks in carpeted rooms.

A few weeks ago, someone threw a half-full chocolate milk carton into the trash bag which then leaked all over my floor. A colleague who visited my room later commented, "I feel like a rap stuck in a glue trap."

I fear that despite the downside, we won't be going back to breakfast in the cafeteria. I can only hope the bigwigs don't decide that they want us to serve lunch in our rooms as well.

I really don't want to have to ladle out nacho cheese so close to my math books.

The point is, the songs work. Some of my lowest kids -- the ones who still forget to borrow when they subtract or who think going from 92 to 87 represents a temperature drop of 179 degrees -- can tell me what 6 X 8 is because of those songs.

So here's my question. Why aren't we using catchy melodies and memorable lyrics for EVERYTHING?

Sure, it would be easy to just say, "Because nothing good rhymes with onomatopoeia." But that's just being lazy. So in the interest of educators everywhere, here are a few suggestions for various topics. I should point out that I'm a lyrics guy; you'll have to come up with the melodies yourself.

Spelling:

Knight, knee, knife and knack,

Knuckle, knob, and knave;

The thing that sets them all apart –

They'll have silent K’s.

Writing:

Smart like a fox, and tall as a tree,

You use "like" or "as" that is a simile;

But you don't use those words -- His mouth was a door,

And you have just crafted your first metaphor.

Math:

Length times width times depth, Frankie Munitz,

Gives you the volume in cubic units.

*This song would work best with fans of Malcolm in the Middle.

Social Studies:

United States Government, here we go –

It comes in 3 branches that you got to know.

Learn 'em all, fool, they're not superficial.

Legislative, ‘zecutive, and judicial.

Just think about all of the extra learning that could be going on in our classrooms if we started implementing more songs like these. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to compose a yodel about perimeter.

I immediately questioned some of my veteran colleagues about this phenomenon. "Is this like Invasion of the Body Snatchers?  Do I need to start checking out the backs of heads for pod-like attachments? Is Soylent Green really people?"

My mentor calmed me down and explained that this was a normal occurrence. Something just clicks over Christmas break (Winter Break now, excuse me).

Maybe all four months of school finally catch up with the kids. Maybe it's a conscious decision on their part to be better students. Maybe watching It's a Wonderful Life ten times in four days acts like a wet towel snap in the locker rooms of their brains.

Whatever the reason, it's an incredible thing for a teacher to come back from break and realize that his kids have made this positive change.

For me, there is no better example of this than one of my students from that first year of teaching. A little girl in my class -- we'll call her "Sofia" -- was sweet enough, but talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. On the first day of class, I asked her if I was pronouncing her name correctly, and she just looked at me with that perfectly blank expression that I would come to know so well over the next few months. A few weeks later, my partner told me I had been mispronouncing Sofia's name.

Imagine my surprise in January when I asked Sofia a math question and she answered right away. Even more shocking, she was correct! By the end of the school year, Sofia was one of my best students, and definitely one of my all-time favorites. But she's also the one that first sent me running to the other teachers, with questions of possession.

As I'm writing this, Winter Break is drawing to a close. I am hoping and praying that this "magical maturation" has already swooped down on my kids, and that when classes resume, I'll see familiar faces but brand new attitudes.

If I don't see any change, I might have to break out It's a Wonderful Life for some repeat viewings…

Well now you don't need to worry any longer! Since I am not officially a member of the Writers Guild of America (or any Guild, for that matter), I am not forbidden to introduce new ideas into general public awareness.

So I have taken it upon myself to develop a few new concepts for movies and TV. These pitches -- all teacher-related, of course -- might just be coming to a video store near you, if the strike doesn't end soon.

• "Try Hard" -- John McWayne was a 3rd-grade master reading teacher, the best at his inner-city public school. Until he ran into the class with no motivation. Led by an apathetic ESL student named Hans, this class didn't know the definition of the word, "effort." Witness McWayne win over and inspire the kids so they pass the evil standardized test.

*this movie would invariably spawn a sequel about the kids who did NOT pass -- "Try Hard 2: Try Harder".

• "7" -- Special Agent Jack Tower of the CPU (Counter Plagiarism Unit) faces the longest school day of his life when a plot to mass distribute Senior term papers is uncovered. Meanwhile, Principal Palmer has his hands full dealing with a group of kids determined to kidnap the school mascot. Shot in real-time, each episode follows Jack and his crack team as they unearth clues, interrogate students, and enjoy a 30-minute cafeteria lunch. Don't miss the pulse pounding excitement!

•  "The Text-Files" -- Agents Sculder and Mulley, of the NTAA (National Textbook Adoption Agency) investigate mysterious occurrences involving misspellings and disappearing answer keys in Teacher Editions. Standing in their way is the sinister consortium, headed by the devious Pencil-Chewing Man. When it comes to history books, Sculder and Mulley are out to prove -- "the Truth is in there!"

• "The Bourne Congruency" -- Amnesiac super-spy/assassin Jason Bourne is back again, this time as a high school geometry teacher! The pieces of his shattered life have finally begun to fall back into place, and to Bourne's surprise, those pieces are all the same size and same shape.

•  "The Straight A-Team" -- 10 hours ago, a crack academic team was sent to detention for a violation they didn't commit. These students promptly escaped from the minimum-security detention hall to the high school underground. Today, still wanted by the vice principal, they survive as mathletes of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the Straight A-Team.

If these don't get green light for whatever reason, I've got tons more: "Fast Times Tables at Ridgemont High", "Charlie's Angles", "The Addition Facts of Life", "Everybody Loves Rounding", and so on and so on.

Writers Guild of America -- let this serve as motivation to you to get back into place quickly!!

Once again, it's time to change out those calendars and get used to crossing out mistakes as you write your checks. As we go from 2007 to 2008 -- or, as we would say in math class, increase the Ones Place -- I thought I would go ahead and fulfill a time-honored tradition: watching football and eating for 18 hours straight! 

No, wait, the tradition I'm referring to is declaring (and subsequently ignoring, no doubt) a list of New Year's resolutions.

So here we go!

I resolve to keep my desk and workspace cleaner in my classroom. I suppose I can't blame the students for having desks that resemble trash cans if my own desk is overflowing with papers. Well, I suppose I can, but I probably shouldn't.

I resolve to eat less cafeteria food. As I wrote in an earlier column, fried cheese sticks and nachos with processed cheese powder are hardly healthy cuisine. Delicious, yes. Nutritious, no.

I resolve to lift with my legs, not with my back.

I resolve to use the word "polygon" more often. I already use it in the classroom, when discussing geometry with the kids. But I think I could trot it out in general conversation with other adults as well. "Did you catch that game last night? The Rangers couldn't bat themselves out of a polygon!"

I resolve to stop shamelessly plugging my book, Learn Me Good (Lulu, 2006) which is available online at Amazon.com. Consider me shamed.

I resolve to speak in more rhymes in the classroom when instructing the kids:

• "Learn your shapes and you'll be fluent; when they match, they are congruent."

• "Plants are green, but they're not ill. They're just flashing chlorophyll."

I resolve to use less casino slang while teaching. The numbers four and eight should not be referred to as "sails" and "snowmen." Multiplying a number by two cannot be termed, "doubling down." And I will never again call one of my struggling students a "short stack."

As always, many of these resolutions will be broken and forgotten before St. Patrick's Day, if not earlier. In fact, I think I may have broken two or three of them as I was writing this column. Still, I have my work cut out for me in the new year.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some food to eat, and these football games aren't going to watch themselves.

At any rate, dogs have better things to eat nowadays, and kids have more imaginative excuses too. Here are the Top 5 I've encountered during my tenure.

1)    "My mom/dad/primary caregiver didn't understand how to do it."

Um, that's why your mom/dad/primary caregiver is not getting anything written down in my grade book. I think it's fantastic for parents to show interest in what their child is bringing home and even to offer help if needed. I wish more parents at my school would show such an interest! But the homework is always something similar to what we've practiced in class. The kids never say, "I didn't understand how to do it." They'd much rather blame a family member. Which brings us to number two...

2)      "I couldn't do it because my little brother drew on it."

When I hear this excuse, which is thankfully not very often, I always ask to see the homework in question. Usually, there are a few thin pencil lines drawn across the page. Sure, that sort of thing would ruin a Picasso original, but it hardly renders a math worksheet undoable. It's the equivalent of telling someone your car has been totaled when you spill coffee on the passenger seat.

3)      "At the Day Care, they don't give us much time to do our homework; we have to go out and play!"

Sometimes those evil Day Care staffers really annoy me. I mean, the nerve! All these kids want to do is finish their homework assignment in a thorough and timely fashion, and these despicable adults are forcing them to play! I can't help but imagine a scene in which an Oliver Twist-like urchin meekly asks, "Please, sir, can I have some more time?"

4)      "Since the homework isn't for a grade, I didn't do it."

Huh?? This is a new one, and has only been used once, and bizarrely, that one time was in front of the girl's mother! I have no idea how she got the notion that she wasn't getting graded on the homework. Especially since she heard me say, "OK, then, that's a zero for you," every time she didn't do an assignment. Maybe that wasn't clear enough, and she thought I was stockpiling Coke Zero for her in the classroom fridge.

5)      "It's not in my backpack!"

This little gem is the one I hear the most. The kids make this exclamation in a tone that suggests that they most definitely would have completed the assignment if only it hadn't magically disappeared. I would love to be able to use this one in my life:

"Sir, that will be twenty dollars, please."

"It's not in my wallet!!"

I imagine that teachers will be giving homework and students will be making excuses until the end of time. I'm just looking forward to hearing something truly convincing. Like maybe, "My mom/dad/primary caregiver ate my homework."

On behalf of teachers everywhere, let me first offer up a giant thank you to all students and parents who include us among your list of gift recipients. It's always nice to feel appreciated. But before you go out and plunk down the cash for that BMW Z3 convertible with customized plates that say, "MSTR TCHR”, here are a few things to consider.

Many school districts have strict monetary limits in place regarding what employees can and cannot accept. In Dallas, I believe that limit is $50.00. So while I would gratefully welcome The Transformers Limited Edition DVD (including theatrical commentary from Optimus Prime!), I would have to decline the 50” flat-screen plasma TV on which to view it.

Below that price ceiling, common sense must be used to decide what is acceptable and what is inappropriate. For example, coffee mugs and candies are always appreciated. A bottle of Jack Daniels, however, would not make a suitable gift from a student. This is not to say it wouldn't be desired -- we just couldn't accept it.

Clothing is always a good gift option. Ball caps, T-shirts, and socks can be fun to receive. Just don't buy something from Victoria's Secret expecting a rise in your child's grade. You might find yourself on the receiving end of a restraining order instead.

Tis the season to be jolly. If you want to get a gift for your teacher, have fun with it! As long as it comes with good intentions, it will mean a lot.

Just remember that it's the thought that counts. And if your thought includes a copy of Guitar Hero for the PlayStation, so much the better.

Merry Christmas!!

There were of course the wacky outfits, the mismatched colors, and the unfortunate accessories. All of which can be excused because, after all, these are very young children we are talking about. However, there were several cases where I had to scratch my head and wonder how on earth the parents could let their child come to school dressed like that.

Adjectives can be fun. T-shirts that shout, "Awesome!", "Super!" , or "Rockin!” are great for children, but no one should ever wear any article of clothing that proclaims the wearer, "Juicy." Especially if this word is stitched across the rear end of a pair of sweat pants. That's just wrong, plain and simple.

Also in the category of incorrectness, third grade kids should not be wearing shirts to school that promote Hooters. I don't care how tasty their chicken wings are, or how pleasant the service, the connotations associated with such a shirt would most likely hinder the educational process. Save the Hooters shirts for the neighborhood birthday parties.

And while we're on the topic of insinuated body parts, let's try to keep the racy images to a minimum. When a child comes to school wearing a shirt depicting a bikini-clad woman of Pam Anderson-dimensions, it can be a huge distraction. For the male teachers, anyway.

I'm not going to make any suggestions in this forum as to when girls should begin wearing supporting undergarments. However, I will posit my opinion that no one under the age of 19 should sport the colored bra/translucent white shirt combo. If your daughter insists on wearing that red polka-dotted brassiere, then you need to insist that she wear three shirts on top of it.

Parents, you may have outgrown your “Mondale -- Ferraro ‘84” T-shirt, but please don't foist it on your middle schooler. They will be exposed to politics soon enough; let them enjoy this time of blissful ignorance.

Finally, we come to the ultimate fashion transgression. Before the dress code, the thing that disturbed me the most was seeing kids wearing North Carolina sports jerseys. This, quite frankly, is NEVER acceptable.

Parents, please take a look at your kids before they head off for school. Take a minute to review any pictures and words that you see. Demand a wardrobe change if necessary.

If they complain, you can always suggest that they save that particular outfit for their grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary later this year.

It kind of makes me wonder what it would be like to educate the children of some of our "American royalty.” I'm thinking parent-teacher conference night would be VERY interesting. I have no doubt that Catherine Zeta-Jones, Heather Locklear, and Eva Longoria would cause my eyes to glaze over and tie my tongue in knots, but here are a few quotes I would expect to hear or utter during a celebrity conference night:

Steve Jobs – “Mr. Jobs, could we please get a phone number that you can be reached at in case of emergency? Oh, this iPhone goes to your direct line? You know what, you probably should give us a video iPod also, just to be safe.”

Martha Stewart -- "That share would look so much nicer with a fun, autumn throw rug draped over it. Also, my stock is going to split in three days, so I might want to buy now, and -- oooh -- I do NOT like those colors on that bulletin board!"

Tom Cruise – “Mr. Cruise! I'm going to have to ask you to stop jumping up and down on my desk! Now then, how would you feel about getting Suri started on some ADHD medication?”

Bruce Willis -- "Yippee-ki-yay, Mathinstructer!!”

Donald Trump -- “John Pearson, you're fired!”

John Pearson-- “Um, you can't fire me, I work for the school district."

Donald Trump--[Makes quick phone call.] “You know what? I just bought the city, so now I own the school. You're fired! And by the way, don't bother applying at the post office, the DMV, or the county sheriff's office.”

Britney Spears – “Good evening, Mrs. Spears. Forgive me, but I really need to ask you to stop helping your son with his homework. It's bringing his grade down."

Alex Trebek -- "What is, Your son urinated on another child's leg, Alex?"

David Letterman -- "Mr. Letterman, thank you so much for coming in tonight. I'd like to present to you the Top Ten Reasons Your Child Is Struggling with Fractions."

All things considered, I suppose I’m happy that I teach “normal” kids. And that NCLB doesn’t stand for No Celebrity Left Behind.

When I was an engineer and had to take a sick day, people hardly even noticed my absence. This may have been thanks to the life-sized mannequin I kept around for just such occasions -- its productivity wasn't much less than mine.

But I have discovered (much to my dismay) that things are very different in the world of teaching.

First of all, it's far easier to get sick. Four years of teaching have brought more illnesses than four hundred years of engineering ever could. I had a stomach flu once in college, but aside from that, only the common cold and the obligatory childhood chickenpox had marred my otherwise healthy life.

As a teacher, I've already had strep throat, sinusitis, laryngitis, ringworm, mad cow disease, and Dutch elm disease. There have also been cases of pneumonia, pinkeye, scarlet fever, and meningitis at my school, which thankfully, I haven't had to mark off on my Yahtzee card just yet.

For another thing, taking a sick day as a teacher is often much more work than it's worth. The reason for that basically boils down to those pesky kids. Unlike a computer, which will just sit on your desk, happily doing nothing while you're gone, students actually need someone there to give them direction. Since the other teachers have their own kids to worry about, an absence necessitates a substitute teacher.

And this is why many teachers would just as soon come to school with a full-blown case of Asian bird flu than go through the hassle of preparing for a sub.

Now I don't mean this as a criticism of substitute teachers. There are some fantastic subs out there. Unfortunately, there are also some less than fantastic subs, and you very rarely know whom you're going to get on such short notice. I once came back from a sick day to find my desk raided and all of my cough drops gone (I guess the sub was sick too!). Another teacher found that a sub had let her kids cut up all of her construction paper. Believe it or not, this was NOT on the lesson plan!

 Even just one experience like that can make a teacher leery of staying home sick.

There's also the small matter of actually having materials prepared and ready for a substitute to come in and find. Personally, I haven't quite mastered that nuance, and I know I'm not alone in that regard.

So the next time your child comes home and tells you about their substitute teacher, you might want to light a candle and say a prayer. Because more than likely, that poor regular teacher is REALLY sick.

For anyone unfamiliar with the game, here are the rules: You try to get four boxes in a row, marking them off whenever the speaker utters one of the words or phrases inside the squares.

The game was invented because hearing these buzzwords and catchphrases so frequently will drive any normal person insane unless they can turn it into some kind of fun activity. Since drinking games are generally frowned upon at company meetings, bingo was ultimately chosen.

At my old company, the two most overused phrases were "thinking outside the box," and "shift in paradigm." Although the second term sounds like someone is moving a couple of ten cent pieces around, it actually refers to a change in your way of thinking. A modification to your old philosophy, if you will. The head of my department used this phrase just about every time he opened his mouth, and quite frequently, I found myself imagining ways to shift his paradigm for good.

When I moved to the world of teaching, I thought I had escaped the buzzword lists. Boy, was I wrong. The overused terms haven’t gone away, they've just changed.

Now, it's Academic Rigor, Socializing Intelligence, and Accountable Talk. All are worthy of bingo squares to themselves, but collectively, they go by the term "Standards of Learning," or SOL. Funny, but when I was growing up, SOL meant something COMPLETELY different.

Another term that we hear in our staff meetings all the time is CEIs, which stands for Classroom Effectiveness Indices. After five years of teaching, I STILL haven't figured out exactly how these work, but I do know that they are the ultimate measure of my performance and worth as a teacher. Somehow, the CEI is a measure of each individual student's growth throughout the year. I believe that they compare the child's Iowa Test of Basic Skills (ITBS) from second grade to the child's Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) from third grade to see how much they have improved. I'm not really sure how they convert from one test to another, but I think that it involves several more buzzword acronyms.

At any rate, it's clear to see that every industry has its own set of catchphrases, and there's no escaping it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to listen up for “pedagogical automaticity” so I can claim my buzzword bingo!

But my responsibilities also include standing out in the middle of the street with a flimsy stop sign held high while people cross from the other curb. The smiles and greetings, I enjoy. But the live-action game of Frogger I sometimes find myself playing tends to stress me out a bit.

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to compile a list of DOs and DON'Ts for you parents who drop your kids off, and for you teachers and bus drivers who pass through our zones each morning. Hopefully these simple tips will help your morning go smoothly and alleviate some of the tension involved in getting to school.

• 
  

  DO stop when we hold the big red octagon up in the middle of the street. And stop with some room between your car and me, please. Not so close I can see my reflection in your hood.

  
  


• 
  

  DON'T pull into the oncoming traffic lane to try to get ahead of the vehicles in front of you. This really sets a bad example for the kids, and it's actually illegal in 47 states!

  
  


• 
  

  DO use all 5 fingers when you wave at us in passing.

  
  


• 
  

  DON'T go out of your way to buy us food and/or beverages each morning. Maybe just the occasional extra donut, if you happen to have bought a baker's dozen.

  
  


• 
  

  DO obey the posted speed limit of 20 mph. Not 20-ish. Not lower 20s. Twenty. Really. No, really.

  
  


• 
  

  DON'T honk your horn when you think the line is moving too slowly. If you just spotted a bumper sticker that reads, "Honk if you love ketchup," then OK. But only then.

  
  


• 
  

  DO remember what they said in the movie Airplane. "The red zone is for loading and unloading only." The middle of the crosswalk is NOT the place for checking homework, signing important documents, or practicing the secret family handshake.

  
  


• 
  

  DON'T try to accomplish the perfect 3-point turn in the middle of the street. Especially if you’re a bus driver!

  
  


• 
  

  DO make sure your child does not open the car door until you have come to a complete stop. Unless, of course, your child is attending stuntman school, and it's final exam week.

  
  


• 
  

  DON'T try to tip us. We really aren't supposed to take money, so it just makes us sad.

  
  

Still think the line is too long every morning? You might want to invest in a helicopter.

This is an event that doesn't need to be stressful. It's a great chance to learn more about how your child is doing at school. It's also a chance to share important information with the teacher. I know that the general thinking is that conferences are only called when the teacher has bad news to share, but that's not necessarily the case. Many times, the teacher is asking for your help in getting your child the best possible services that the school can provide.

So don't fear the teacher, baby! Here are a few guidelines to follow for a successful conference.

Please be on time. If the teacher suggests a specific window for your meeting, make sure you're there at that time. Don't think that just because conference night runs from 4 to 8 that you can show up whenever you'd like during that window. That may work for the cable company, but remember, nobody likes the cable company.

Leave the little ones at home. It's often a good idea to bring the child in question to conference night, but if possible, leave your other children with family or a babysitter. This night is about one specific student, and it's much harder to focus the discussion on that child when there are others demanding your attention. Especially if their tendencies run towards pretending everything in the classroom is Tokyo to their Godzilla.

Consider your attire. Unless conference night is held on Halloween, you should never show up dressed as Cinderella or the Green Lantern. And from experience, I can say with certainty that fathers wearing T-shirts that read, "Female Body Inspector" do NOT make a good impression.

Consider your aroma. Coming to conference night smelling like fresh baked oatmeal raisin cookies is fantastic. Coming to conference night smelling like a leafy substance that starts with "m" and ends with "arijuana” is not advised. I know this is an extreme exception, but there have been a couple of times when I've actually gotten a contact high from a parent conference.

Try to stay on topic. It's great to be friendly, but keep in mind that there are other parents on the schedule. Talk about your child's grades and behavior until you're satisfied, but please leave the fantasy football discussions to e-mail.

Most importantly, be honest. This goes for parents AND teachers. Parents, please don't tell the teacher that your child reads to the blind and delivers hot meals to the elderly if poor behavior at school is the issue. Likewise, teachers, please don't tell parents that their child bites the heads off of small animals when the problem is actually excessive chattiness.

If everyone involved can follow these simple tips, conference night won't have to seem so scary. As for trips to the dentist, you're on your own.

"When's lunch?"

"Can I use the bathroom?"

"Is 60 a good grade?"

But I think the question I hear the most is, "Can I have a pencil?"

I’m a math teacher at a school where kids often come unprepared to class. It's not unusual, especially at the beginning of the year, for them to repeatedly forget papers, homework, and yes, even pencils. (Although they always seem to remember to bring the plastic rings and Yugi-Oh cards.)

It seems like such a simple thing for kids to remember. Not a day goes by when they won’t need to write something. Perhaps not at a school where they practice telepathy and astral body projection; but at most schools where your basic math, spelling, and writing are taught, pencils are a necessity.

Which is why it's so frustrating when kids come to class with no writing tools. Not unsharpened pencils, not even dull or broken pencils. Just flat out nothing. And then they ask that dreaded question -- "Can I have a pencil?"

Now many people might be saying, "Come on, Mister Stingy -- a pencil costs what, 10 cents? You can afford that, even on a teacher's salary!"

Sure, I could afford that. But here's where the math comes in (and I am a math teacher, after all). Imagine that 10 cent pencil being multiplied by six or seven kids – every day! It really starts to add up.

This is why teachers have become so creative in thinking up ways to motivate kids to remember their pencils. In days of old, when a student didn't bring his own quill, the teacher probably made him go out, chase down a bird, and pluck his own feather. Nowadays, some teachers have taken to handing out short, stubby golf pencils with no erasers, or ridiculously oversized novelty pencils the size of Christmas Yule logs. Pencils that the kids will be able to do their work with, but pencils they'll be embarrassed to have to use. Guess what-- after this happens a few times, that student doesn't forget to bring his own pencil anymore.

Parents, you can really help us out by asking your child to run down a checklist of backpack essentials every morning before leaving home. Or even at night, before going to bed.

Homework folder? Check!

Assignment planner? Check!

At least one sharpened pencil? Check!

Together, we can knock out this problem of unpreparedness, and "Can I have a pencil?" can be unseated as the most frequently asked question. 

Then we can tackle the next item on the list -- "Do I have to show my work?"