Ask the Child Psychologist

School Avoidance (continued)

by Lisa Medoff

Both the school avoidance and the underlying issues should be addressed immediately, as the sooner the child is made to return to school, the easier it will be for both of you. Here are some ideas for helping a child who has trouble going to school:

• Try to find out if there is a simple explanation for your child not wanting to go to school. Try to rule out causes such as your son not getting enough sleep or feeling like he doesn’t understand what is going on in math. Talk to your child about what is happening at school. Give him multiple opportunities to explain, and don’t be frustrated if, at first, he says, “I don’t know.” Ask him to tell you about his week and prompt him to give you details. 
• Tell your child that you understand his feelings, but there is absolutely no choice when it comes to going to school. Use a calm, but firm tone, and say, “I know it is so hard for you to go to school, but you do have to go. Let’s figure out what we need to do to make it easier for you.” Allow him to express his feelings, but do not get drawn into an argument about whether or not he should go to school. 

• Teach your son how to relax by doing deep breathing and repeating to himself a statement such as, “I’m okay. I’m okay.” Build this practice into your morning schedule, and do it with him.

• Even though it may be very difficult, try to go to bed earlier and get up earlier so that the morning is not rushed and stressful. If you are not in a hurry to get out the door, you can be more patient and less anxious yourself. Children easily pick up on and take on your mood and anxiety level, so be a good model for your son.

• If your child does throw a tantrum, make sure to remain calm. Let the incident play out, and then resume getting ready for school. Do not teach him that getting so upset will result in your getting emotional and/or giving up.   

• Set small goals that have him getting to a full day of school step-by-step. For example, just focus on him getting dressed and getting in the car, and then he can decide if he is up to going to school. Find out if it would help to have mom or dad volunteer in the classroom for the first hour of the day, which is usually the hardest for children with school avoidance problems. Or consider making a deal where he has to go for the first hour, but then he can come home if he needs to. Gradually increase the amount of time that he has to try to stay at school. 

• Ask the school staff for help. Do not be embarrassed to tell the school what is going on, as they certainly will have had experience with what you are going through. Talk to your child’s teacher to see what can be done to make the classroom more comfortable for your child. Does he need to change seats so he is not next to a child who is mean to him? Can he make an agreement with the teacher that he won’t be called upon without warning? Does he need a plan for getting involved with other kids at recess?

• Give your child attention and praise for effort. Point out small successes, such as being able to get dressed and get in the car in the morning, even if he then has difficulty getting out of the car in the school parking lot. 

• Monitor yourself to make sure that you are not inadvertently encouraging his behavior. Is being sick the best way for him to get your full attention? Do you make it fun for him to stay at home during the school day? If you are at home during the day, do you enjoy his company more than being alone, and is he picking up on that enjoyment? 

• If the problem continues, or seems to get worse, make sure to talk to your pediatrician or a psychologist that specializes in childhood anxiety disorders.

Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.

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