Six-Year-Old Stealing
Dear Dr. Medoff,
I am worried that my six-year-old son has a problem with stealing. I sometimes find little toys, candy, or other small objects in his pockets. When I ask him about these things, he usually says that he doesn’t know where they came from, or that the teacher or another adult said it was okay to take the toy home, which I don’t believe is the case. My son is not spoiled, but he is not lacking for toys or food, either. What should I do about this? From, Jenna, Ohio
Dear Jenna,
It is common for many young children to pocket items that do not belong to them. This behavior is not usually indicative of a major problem, but it should be addressed as soon as possible.
Children of various ages usually have different reasons for why they steal. Younger children often take things they want because they do not yet have the understanding of what it means for an object to belong to another person. Sometimes they may pocket candy or other small items while you are in the store because they do not quite grasp the concept of money and purchasing. However, they may sense they have done something wrong, and will thus try to hide it from you. As children get older, they learn the rules of belonging and the concept of money, but may not have developed the impulse control that they need to stop them from taking something they want.
Pre-adolescents and teenagers often have a greater variety of reasons for stealing, such as: the desire to impress friends with rebellious behavior, wanting to express their independence from adult rules and authority, wanting a material item they believe they need and cannot afford, and seeking attention or excitement. Finding out the root cause of the behavior can often point you in the right direction for how to handle the situation.
Here are some recommendations for dealing with a young child who is caught stealing:
- If this is the first time that you are addressing the situation, help your child understand why stealing is wrong. Explain how it hurts other people and discuss how your child would feel if someone took his favorite toy or book from him without telling him. Explain how you would feel if someone took one of your favorite possessions. Remain calm so as not to teach your child that this is a good way to upset you and get your attention. Make it clear to your child that you have faith in his ability to refrain from stealing.
- Make a plan to return the item. Rehearse with your child what he can say. Make it simple, such as, “I took this home with me yesterday. I am sorry if you were looking for it.” If the item is food that the child has already eaten, make a plan for how your child can pay for the item, and have him present the money to a store clerk with an apology. It is helpful if the adult can explain to the child how the theft has affected him or her, but praise your child for owning up to his actions.
- After your child has returned the object or made restitution in some way, tell him exactly what the consequences will be if he steals again, and then let the matter go. Follow through with the consequences immediately if you do catch him stealing again. Do not be upset if you have to repeat this cycle a few times, as it may take him a while to learn.
- Look at your own behavior to make sure you are not sending mixed messages about stealing and cheating. Do not let your child see what you consider to be minor infractions, such as taking supplies home from work, eating bulk food before it is weighed, or rejoicing when a cashier makes a mistake in your favor. Always take care to demonstrate that you respect the property and possessions of others.
- If your child is older and continues to steal, despite your sense that he understands the rules, consider seeking help from a counselor. Repeated stealing may indicate other problems, such as developmental difficulties concerning impulse control or underlying emotional issues that require attention.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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Posted by linda on Sep 22, 2008 5:20 pm