It is becoming more and more difficult to get my eleven-year-old son to school in the morning. He will hide under the covers or throw a tantrum, and he even threw up last week when I was trying to get him dressed. What can I do? From, K.

Dear K.,

You and your son are definitely not alone in your struggle about getting to school; most parents will agree that getting their children out of bed and out the door in the morning is not the most pleasant part of the day. However, sometimes the problem becomes more severe than a sleepy, dawdling child. The child strongly resists going to school, becoming extremely emotional, and even physically ill. Just as stress and anxiety can take a physical toll on us as adults, children often truly feel symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches, and are not making them up simply to get a few more minutes of sleep or get out of doing work.

School avoidance is one of the most common childhood problems. Most children experience it at one time or another. Although school avoidance is seen most frequently in early elementary school, it certainly can arise any time during the school years. It is usually triggered by a scary or stressful event, either at school or at home. Have you experienced any recent losses or deaths in the family? Sometimes school avoidance arises because the child is afraid he will lose his parents, as well, and he wants to stay home to keep an eye on them. Another common reason is a troubling incident at school, such as being yelled at by a teacher or being bullied by another student. Therefore, it is important to understand the events that occurred in your child’s life around the time that his difficulty with going to school began.

Both the school avoidance and the underlying issues should be addressed immediately, as the sooner the child is made to return to school, the easier it will be for both of you. Here are some ideas for helping a child who has trouble going to school:

• Try to find out if there is a simple explanation for your child not wanting to go to school. Try to rule out causes such as your son not getting enough sleep or feeling like he doesn’t understand what is going on in math. Talk to your child about what is happening at school. Give him multiple opportunities to explain, and don’t be frustrated if, at first, he says, “I don’t know.” Ask him to tell you about his week and prompt him to give you details. 


• Tell your child that you understand his feelings, but there is absolutely no choice when it comes to going to school. Use a calm, but firm tone, and say, “I know it is so hard for you to go to school, but you do have to go. Let’s figure out what we need to do to make it easier for you.” Allow him to express his feelings, but do not get drawn into an argument about whether or not he should go to school. 

• Teach your son how to relax by doing deep breathing and repeating to himself a statement such as, “I’m okay. I’m okay.” Build this practice into your morning schedule, and do it with him.

• Even though it may be very difficult, try to go to bed earlier and get up earlier so that the morning is not rushed and stressful. If you are not in a hurry to get out the door, you can be more patient and less anxious yourself. Children easily pick up on and take on your mood and anxiety level, so be a good model for your son.

• If your child does throw a tantrum, make sure to remain calm. Let the incident play out, and then resume getting ready for school. Do not teach him that getting so upset will result in your getting emotional and/or giving up.   

• Set small goals that have him getting to a full day of school step-by-step. For example, just focus on him getting dressed and getting in the car, and then he can decide if he is up to going to school. Find out if it would help to have mom or dad volunteer in the classroom for the first hour of the day, which is usually the hardest for children with school avoidance problems. Or consider making a deal where he has to go for the first hour, but then he can come home if he needs to. Gradually increase the amount of time that he has to try to stay at school. 

• Ask the school staff for help. Do not be embarrassed to tell the school what is going on, as they certainly will have had experience with what you are going through. Talk to your child’s teacher to see what can be done to make the classroom more comfortable for your child. Does he need to change seats so he is not next to a child who is mean to him? Can he make an agreement with the teacher that he won’t be called upon without warning? Does he need a plan for getting involved with other kids at recess?

• Give your child attention and praise for effort. Point out small successes, such as being able to get dressed and get in the car in the morning, even if he then has difficulty getting out of the car in the school parking lot. 

• Monitor yourself to make sure that you are not inadvertently encouraging his behavior. Is being sick the best way for him to get your full attention? Do you make it fun for him to stay at home during the school day? If you are at home during the day, do you enjoy his company more than being alone, and is he picking up on that enjoyment? 

• If the problem continues, or seems to get worse, make sure to talk to your pediatrician or a psychologist that specializes in childhood anxiety disorders.

• Tell your child not to share her passwords with anyone, even her current best friend. 

• Talk to your child about sharing personal information, whether it is about your family, her emotions, or behavior in which she has engaged. Discuss what it means to be in a relationship where you trust (and are trusted by) the other person. Encourage her to take a second to think before she shares anything personal. How does she know she can trust this person? How would she feel if this information were to be shared amongst her group of friends or with others at school?

• Tell your child to think about what she writes in an email, posts on a seemingly private website, or text-messages to someone. Would she be upset or embarrassed if others saw what she wrote? If so, she should not send it. Teach her to wait for a certain period of time before sending or posting any message that she has written while angry, upset, or excited. 

• On a similar note, help her learn to think about her response to others who are trying to provoke her online. If she feels the need to respond immediately, have her write down her response by hand or in a word processing document. She can get her feelings out, but will not be taking rash action that she might later regret. You are helping her learn an important lesson about emotional control and anticipating consequences.

• Help her understand that joking or sarcasm does not usually come off the same in writing as it does in person. Could something that she has written as a joke be taken the wrong way?

•  Talk to the teachers and administrators at your child’s school to see if there is a policy on dealing with cyberbullying. Even though cyberbullying may be seen as a private matter, its negative effects will definitely be seen in children’s behavior and mood while at school, thereby impacting academic performance. Consider forming a committee whose purpose is to educate parents, students, and teachers on issues surrounding cyberbullying.   

• It is easier to switch roles from being the victim to the bully (and then back again) in cyberbullying than it is when children are interacting face-to-face. Be vigilant about your child bullying others, as well. Make sure that your child knows that you have a zero-tolerance policy in your home if you find out that she is involved in cyberbullying that includes loss of cell phone and web privileges. Help your child understand the consequences of his or her actions, both in terms of possible legal outcomes and emotional harm to others. 

Parents, I encourage you to share any other tips that you have found to be helpful!

We adopted our daughter from another country when she was two years old, and she started kindergarten at a small private school this year. She has such a hard time – crying and grabbing me - when I drop her off that I usually end up staying in the classroom, or just outside, for most of the day. I know that she has attachment issues, and I don’t want to make them worse. I can tell the teacher is getting frustrated with us. Should I pull her out of school this year and wait until next year for her to start kindergarten? From, S.C.

Dear S.C.,

Attachment refers to the close emotional bonding that takes place between the infant and his or her caregiver. Many theorists believe that developing a secure early attachment is important for healthy social and emotional development. The basis of a secure attachment is a trusting relationship with caregivers. Babies develop a trusting relationship with their caregivers when those caregivers are there to take care of their basic needs, not only the need for food, shelter, and protection from harm, but also the need for consistent warmth and close contact.

In order to feel safe in exploring the world around them, children use their caregiver as a home base – someone they can return to for comfort if things get too scary. When we trust that someone will always be there to take of us, we are not afraid to venture away from her because we are positive that she will be there when we return. However, babies that have spent the first few years of their lives in an orphanage may not have received the same personal attention and care that you would have provided for your child if you had adopted her at birth. Therefore, they may not feel as secure as other children with the idea that you will return to care for them after a separation of any length. So your primary goal right now should be to ensure that your daughter feels safe with you and trusts that you will always return when you say you will.

Think about what you are teaching your daughter when you stay at school because she gets upset. You are allowing her to dwell on her fear of separation rather than dealing with it. You are teaching her that she can always get what she wants from you (and other people) if she cries. You are showing her that you do not think she is capable of being away from you for a few hours. Here are some ideas for breaking the pattern that you have fallen into:

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  Build up her trust in you. Before you go in to the classroom, kneel down, look her in the eye and say, “I am going to take you into class today and then I am going to leave. I know you will have a good day. I will be back at 1:30 to pick you up and I can’t wait to hear all about your day.” Once she is in the classroom, tell her, “I love you. I will be back at 1:30. Good-bye.” Walk out the door and get in your car. Drive away. It is absolutely necessary that you be there when the door opens at the end of the school day so that she learns to trust you. Aim to be there 15 minutes early just in case of unexpected delays. This process may be difficult for the first week or so, but it will get easier (for both of you) every day.

  
  


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  Make sure to prepare your child for any changes in the routine ahead of time. Let her know the night before what you are going to do differently when you drop her off, and tell her exactly what is going to happen. Do not get drawn into a long discussion and do not give her attention for whining or crying at this point.

  
  


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  Do not pull her out of school unless there is a consensus among the school, her physician, and you, the parents, that she is not emotionally or physically ready to be in kindergarten, or unless you feel certain that this particular school is really not a good match for her needs. You want to provide an environment for her that is as stable as possible. Making changes mid-year will only make it harder for her (and you) to begin again next year. Ask for, and listen carefully to, any advice that her teacher can give you.

  
  


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  Keep your home environment as safe and predictable as possible. Stick to a routine and prepare her ahead of time for any changes in the routine. It may seem counterintuitive, but if she feels secure at home, she will be more comfortable being away from home.

  
  


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  Make sure that you taking small steps at home to help her separate at school. Leave her with a trusted relative or baby-sitter for short periods of time throughout the week so she can adjust to being away from you (and knowing that you will return). Go to the park and sit on the bench while she plays with other children, instead of playing with her. Visit the home of a friend or relative and have her play in another room from where you are.

  
  


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  Consider seeking the help of a mental health professional who has experience with families with adopted children. Another option would be to try to find a local or web-based support group of parents who have adopted children from other countries (if you can’t find one in your area, start one!). Both options will provide you with more information about what is normal behavior for a child with your daughter’s history, and what behavior you need to be concerned about.

  
  

Last year on Valentine’s Day, my daughter spent a lot of time making Valentine’s Day cards for her friends. She was very upset when she did not receive cards from kids that she thought were her friends. She was so hurt that she ended up staying home from school the next day to calm down. What can I do to prevent this problem from happening again? From, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult day, not only for children, but for adults, as well. We are heavily influenced by movies and commercials that tell us that the cards and presents we give on Valentine’s Day are a direct measure of how much we care about someone. Therefore, we tend to have very high expectations of our friends and loved ones on Valentine’s Day. Those expectations are rarely completely met, leaving us disappointed and hurt.

Instead of being worried about repeating last year’s Valentine’s Day problems, make sure to use this year as an opportunity to teach your daughter some life lessons about healthy relationships, realistic expectations, and kindness to others. Here are some ideas for how to do that:

• Talk with your daughter about the idea that Valentine’s Day should not be the only day when you appreciate those that you care about. A true friend shows this appreciation every day. Therefore, a real friend should not have to give a card on a holiday just to prove that the friendship is strong, as long as she is good to you on a regular basis.


• Teach your daughter that she should do kind things for others, such as making them cards or doing them favors, because it feels good to make someone else happy. She should not give to others only in order to receive something in return.


• Be a good role model to show your daughter that you do not expect the people in your life to shower you with presents just to show that they love you, on Valentine’s Day or any other holiday. Love and friendship should be measured by how someone treats you, respects you, and makes you feel, not simply by how much money he or she is willing to spend on you.


• Teach her how to handle hurt feelings. Do not let her stay home from school again. This experience is a good chance to help her learn to deal with rejection. Unfortunately, this will probably not be the last Valentine’s Day (or birthday, Christmas, etc.) where she will not get a card or present from someone that she hopes to get something from. Tell her that it is okay to be upset for a while and talk about her feelings, but she needs to find ways to distract herself and make herself feel better.


• Remind her that there may be reasons that she does not know about as to why she did not receive a card from others. Perhaps they could not afford to buy cards this year, or maybe they simply forgot that it was Valentine’s Day.


• Consider making Valentine’s Day a day of giving to others, so the focus is on the feelings of other people, instead of her own. Spend less money purchasing cards and candy, and have her pick a charity to donate that money to. Make Valentine’s Day a day to volunteer at a homeless shelter or work for another good cause. Help her remember how hurt she felt when she didn’t receive cards, so she needs to take extra care to make cards for the kids she knows that she thinks may not receive any.


• Teach her to be critical of commercials that she sees that show Valentine’s Day, or other holidays where gifts are expected, in an idealized light.


• Talk to her teacher ahead of time to see how Valentine’s Day will be handled in the classroom so that you can better prepare your daughter. Many teachers have an all-or-nothing rule: if children are handing out cards at all, they must have one for everyone.


• Unless the other children are being deliberately cruel to your daughter, not only on Valentine’s Day, but at other times as well, resist the urge to step in and talk to the teacher and/or the children’s parents. Your daughter will benefit from having to handle these types of problems on her own (with your support, of course!).

I read that the teen pregnancy rate is rising again. My daughter is in her early teens. What can I do to prevent her from getting pregnant? From, Bereniece

Dear Bereniece,

It is true that some recent reports have indicated that the rates of teen pregnancy have been on the rise in the last few years. These findings remind us how important it is to provide teenagers, both males and females, with the information that they need to make responsible and healthy choices about their sexual behavior.

Teen pregnancy has been in the media quite often lately, with celebrities such as Jamie-Lynn Spears and Sarah Palin’s daughter in the spotlight. It may even look glamorous to some teens when they see the attention and support that these celebrity teen moms get. While it is important to let your child know that you will support and accept her no matter what happens, it is also important to present a realistic view of parenting, especially teen parenting. Your daughter should clearly understand that if she does have a child at her age, her life will not resemble that of a celebrity mom in any way.

You must keep the lines of communication open, even if it feels awkward to discuss issues related to sexual behavior. Because of their changing bodies, teens are incredibly curious about information related to sexuality, and they are going to get their answers from somewhere. You want to make sure that those answers come from a credible source (and that they know how to determine what a credible source is), whether that source is you, or a book that you selected for your child. Here are some ideas for talking with your child about teen pregnancy:

• TALK to your child. Make your values clear, but encourage her to ask questions and state her own beliefs and concerns. Tell her why you believe what you believe about her engaging in sexual activity, rather than simply saying that she should not be sexually active at all and ending the discussion there. Keep in mind that this is not THE talk, but rather an ongoing conversation.

• Many research studies have shown that abstinence-only sex education programs are not as effective as those that also provide information about contraception. Some have found that teens that are exposed to this type of program are less likely to use protection when they do have sex. Keep this finding in mind when you talk with your child. Remember, your goal is to educate your child so that she is able to make good decisions and protect herself, no matter when she does make the decision to engage in sexual activity.

• Talk to your child about these matters before she is in a situation where she will be faced with making decisions about sexual activity. The earlier you show her that she can come to you for answers, the more likely she will be to trust you. Make sure to follow through on your word. If you tell her that she can come to you any time with questions, then give her your full attention (and calm answers) when she does come to you.

• Encourage a discussion. If you don’t feel comfortable answering questions, leave your child a list of people that you trust that you think she might feel more comfortable talking with. Leave books in her bedroom that she can read in private. Check out websites that you feel give healthy and valid information, and email them to her.

• Provide her with alternative activities and sources of self-esteem, whether those activities are academic, athletic, volunteer, or artistic. Instill in her the confidence to make her own choices so that she will not feel pressured into sexual activity that she is not ready for or does not feel comfortable with. Expose her to positive female role models that do not rely solely on sexuality for success and happiness.

My eight-year-old son has been coming home lately and saying that the other boys won’t play with him. I can’t get much more of a description than that about what is going on. What should I do? From, F.G.

Dear F.G.,

It can often be more painful for parents to watch their children experience social exclusion than it is for the children themselves. Parents not only empathize with what their children are going through, but they also relive their own times of social exclusion and yearn to prevent their kids from having to endure the loneliness and sadness that results from being left out.

However, it is important to resist the urge to step in to fix social problems, especially as children get older. Your son is at the age when friendships start to become more complex because of advances in thinking skills. Friendships become more selective and exclusive as children start to choose friends that resemble them when it comes to characteristics such as personality traits, popularity, and academic/athletic ability levels.

Children of this age also start to experience a strong desire for group belonging, as the group that they belong to (as well as their standing in that group) helps them develop their own identity. They are in the process of improving their abilities when it comes to social communication and arranging complicated activities on their own. As they do so, social hierarchies start to emerge, and the leaders often decide who gets to be a part of the group and who gets excluded. It can feel very good to be a part of an exclusive group (as adults well know), but the downside is the hurt feelings of those that are excluded. That is why it is important for parents whose children are part of a group to reinforce the idea of reaching out and including others.

Children learn a lot from their interactions within these friendship groups that they cannot learn from adults, such as about social organization, leadership, loyalty to the group, and handling social conflicts without the assistance of an adult. Therefore, the most important thing that you can do for your child is to help him build confidence and practice social skills so that he can become competent at dealing with social issues on his own. Here are ideas for helping a child who says that others will not play with him:

• First, spend time comforting your child. Allow him to express what he is feeling and just listen. Help him label his feelings if he has trouble putting them into words. However, do not let him dwell on the negative feelings for too long. Focus on how important it is to take action to make yourself feel better when faced with challenging situations.


• Do not put the other boys down by saying negative things about them. You do not want to teach your child that the best way to deal with problems is to demean others and avoid them. Instead, say that the other boys are probably not getting a chance to see what a great kid he is, so you need to work together to figure out another approach to getting to know them better.


• Help your child learn from the situation so that he can deal with problems that arise in the future. What should he do if this happens again? Let him come up with ideas first, and then help him out if he needs it. Prompt him with questions such as, “Do other boys get left out sometimes? What do they do? Do they start their own game? Do they find something else that is fun to do?” Role-play some of the situations that might come up so that he can practice saying the right words.


• Give your child a chance to build confidence outside of school by enrolling him in one or two activities in which he can excel (as well as practice his social skills), such as sports, music, or art.


• Ask your child’s teacher if she has any suggestions. Do not make any accusations about other children. Simply state your concern that your own child has trouble joining groups and ask for advice.


• If you feel that your child is the victim of targeted exclusion or ongoing bullying, you DO need to step in and let the school know immediately.

Dear Greta,

It is difficult when your child exhibits fearful behavior, not only because you do not like to see her feeling scared, but also because you have a desire to raise a strong child who can approach new situations with confidence. Therefore it can be hard to remain calm when you see that your child is easily frightened; you may either have a tendency to rush in to shelter her from the source of those fears, or on the other end of the spectrum, you may react angrily because you are frustrated with her constant anxiety. However, it is important to strike a good balance between these two types of reactions. If you can show your child that you understand her fears, but can also teach her how to handle them in a healthy and independent manner, you will be giving her the tools that she needs to deal with most of the worries that will arise in her life.

Remember that a certain level of fear is central to survival for all of us. All children are fearful of things that indicate danger until they learn for themselves that the thing will not harm them. Therefore, most childhood fears are not a cause for major concern, since they tend to diminish with age as children learn more about the world around them. Here are some ideas to help your child learn to cope with fears:

• Many things that scare children can seem irrational or silly to adults, but try to keep in mind that the threat seems very real to your child. Do not brush her off or get upset with her. Instead of simply saying, “It won’t hurt you,” try saying, “I know you feel scared right now,” and give a brief and honest explanation of why the scary thing is happening.


• Younger children tend to be more afraid of the unfamiliar and unpredictable, such as sudden, loud noises, strange animals, or new environments. Try to keep their worlds as safe and predictable as possible. If the majority of their time is spent in a calm, predictable environment, they will be able to handle the occasional scary event.


• Your children may not have the skills to be able to tell you exactly what is scaring them, and/or what would help ease their anxiety. Try to think back to when the fear started. What changed in your child’s life? Try to put yourself in your child’s place – what would scare you if you were that small and had little life experience? What would make you feel better?


• Young children have a hard time making logical connections, so you need to help them understand. For example, explain that water gets sucked down the drain, but children are too big to fit through the holes. Outside of bath time, experiment together to see that bath toys and other large objects cannot fit through the drain.


• You may have to make do with simple solutions, such as removing a painting that is scary or refraining from vacuuming while your child is around. Slowly reintroduce the scary thing every few weeks so that your child can get used to it and start to see that it will not harm her.


• Try to shift your child’s view on the subject and expose her to more pleasant aspects of what is feared. For example, if your child is afraid of dogs, read books about friendly dogs and try to expose your child to small, gentle, calm dogs in small doses.


• Do not get in the habit of making a big deal of fearful episodes or nightmares. For example, in the case of nightmares, soothe your child for a few minutes, and then make sure she returns to her own bed. Tell her that you know she will be fine, but stick to the limits that you set about how long you will spend comforting her before returning to your own bed.


• Teach your child how to relax herself, such as focusing on slowing down her breathing by slowly counting to 10 and taking a deep breath for each number. Give her a short phrase to repeat such as, “I’m okay. It can’t hurt me. I’m okay…” Ask her to try calming herself before she comes to you. Give her lots of positive attention for trying to soothe herself.


• Carefully monitor the media that your child is exposed to so that she is not seeing or hearing about concepts that are too overwhelming for her. Be aware that she may be overhearing when you listen to the news or talk about scary world events.


• Let your child see you being a good role model. Monitor yourself for overreactions to things that scare you. If you are worried about something, admit it, and then tell your child that you are going to be brave and try it anyway.


• Talk to your child’s teacher. Explain your concerns and ask the teacher what she does in class when children are fearful of certain situations. Try to follow the same guidelines so that your child experiences consistency between home and school.

My husband just lost his job, and I have been working only part-time for the last few years. We are going to have to have to really cut back on spending, which is going to be very hard. What do I tell my kids? From, H.G.

Dear H.G.,

It is little consolation to know that you are not alone during these difficult economic times. However, the fact that many families are going through the same type of stress as your family might make it easier for your children to understand the changes that will have to take place; their friends’ families will most likely be making similar cutbacks.

Although it may be extremely hard to do, look for ways to find the positive aspects of this situation, such as it being an opportunity to teach your child many valuable lessons. Have lots of conversations with your children about money and budgeting. If you have older children, you can discuss the more abstract concept of economics, or you can talk about other times in history when the economy was bad and how it recovered. Most importantly, you can teach your children how to cope with stress and uncertainty in a healthy matter.

You may feel like a bad parent when you suddenly cannot provide the material goods to which your family is accustomed. However, setting limits for children, teaching them to appreciate what they do have, and showing them that they can survive difficult situations are some of the best gifts that you can give them. Here are some ideas for negotiating the tough times ahead so that you emerge from this difficult period as a stronger, healthier family:

• Very young children will not understand a lengthy explanation of the changes in your husband’s work situation. They do not yet comprehend the concept of money, so even a simple statement such as “We can’t afford it right now,” will not make sense to them. Instead, when they ask for items that are not in the budget, use the time to practice setting limits for them. Tell them, “No,” in a calm, but strong voice. No explanation is necessary. If you are in a store and see a tantrum coming on, remind your child that if he continues to act poorly, you will have to leave the store. Follow through so that next time, he’ll know that you are serious about the consequences of bad behavior.


• Children that are in elementary school are beginning to understand the concept of money. Give a brief and simple explanation of what happened, such as, “The company that Daddy worked for did not need as many workers this year, so Daddy is not going to work for them any more. This means that we are going to have to think carefully about what we spend our money on right now. We are going to have to make choices about what is really necessary and what we can go without for a while.” Make your children part of the decision-making process by enlisting their help in deciding what the family can give up and what cost-saving alternatives are available.


• Older children can get more involved in looking at the family budget and figuring out creative ways to save money. Including your child in this process will teach him very important life skills about living on a budget, as well as giving him responsibility that will boost his confidence.


• Teenagers should be the most able to understand the concept of difficult financial times, and many will have an understanding of the larger economic issues involved. However, they may also have the most difficult time adjusting if they are used to easily obtaining material goods. In addition, teenagers tend to be more concerned about what their friends will think if they do not have the right clothes or latest gadget. Sit down with your teen to discuss what happened and what limits you need to set on spending. Allow her to ask questions and answer honestly. Do not dismiss her concerns, even if you think they are superficial. If your teen begs you for a must-have item, help her problem-solve about how to get what she wants rather than simply giving her the money for the purchase.


• Confidently reassure your children that you are going to provide for them, and they do not have to worry about what will happen to them. It is okay to let your children see you discussing the difficult choices that you have to make and how you are going to handle personal financial crises, but try to keep them away from highly emotional conversations that may frighten them.


• Your children need to see you modeling good behavior for handling the stress of your situation. Let them see you working out problems, rather than getting angry, depressed, or resentful. In addition, make sure to be a good example for making wise financial choices. Children do need to learn that they are not entitled to all of the privileges that parents have; however, do not set yourself up for arguments by asking children to give things up while you continue to make unnecessary purchases.


• Remember that the simple “No,” concept applies to children of all ages. No matter what your financial situation may be, it is healthy for children to learn that they cannot have every material good they desire at the moment they want it.

My daughter is a freshman in high school. She is having a lot of trouble with her math teacher. She thinks the teacher is mean and unfair to my daughter and her friends. She complains about this teacher all the time, and doesn’t want to do her homework or study in this class. What should I do? From, Cori

Dear Cori,

It can be very painful to watch your daughter go through any experience such as this one. You are probably having a hard time imagining why anyone would dislike your daughter. Your mother’s instinct most likely directs you to swoop in to protect your daughter from anyone who would treat her poorly. However, before you immediately step in to solve the problem, think about what you would like your daughter to learn from this experience. Would you like her to learn that she should automatically run to her mother to fix what is wrong? Or would you like her to get practice dealing with people that are difficult so that she can handle similar situations in the future?

Unfortunately, this teacher is not the last unfair or mean person that your child will have to deal with in her life. If you can teach her how to handle people like this teacher, you will be giving her an invaluable lesson that will help her in both personal and professional relationships. Here are the steps that you can take to help your daughter negotiate this situation:

• First, get your daughter to articulate exactly why she thinks the teacher is mean and unfair. Get her to list specific incidents that have happened. This exercise will not only help your daughter clarify her own thoughts and feelings, but it will also help you understand exactly what is going on in the classroom.


• Make sure that your daughter sees that you understand how she feels. Give her a chance to talk without judging her. Respond only with statements such as, “That is frustrating,” and “I can see how that makes you feel bad.” However, once she has finished talking, try to get her to see the situation from the teacher’s perspective. Is this teacher just stricter than other teachers that she has had? Is it at all possible that your daughter and her friends are doing anything that bothers the teacher? How could your daughter change her behavior to make the teacher respond differently?


• Talk to your daughter about how sometimes people are just put in situations where they are treated unfairly, and they have to learn how to deal with them. Unfortunately, the teacher has power over her right now, so she needs to figure out how to get what she needs (such as learning the math and passing the class) within this difficult situation. How does she think she could get what she needs in this class? Help her brainstorm ideas.


• Let your daughter express her feelings, but do not let her dwell on them. Constantly repeating that she hates the teacher will not get her homework done or help her learn the concepts. Let her vent for a few minutes, and then push her to just complete the homework and move on. Challenge your daughter to excel in the class by doing extra studying so she can prove to the teacher that the teacher’s perception of her is wrong.


• Urge your daughter to take action for herself to handle her problem. The first step should be talking to the teacher. She can email the teacher or catch her before class to ask for a time to meet. Practice with your daughter exactly what she will say to the teacher so she is well prepared. Remind her how important it is to be respectful to the teacher. She should tell that teacher that she is concerned about her grade in the class and wants to improve. What advice can the teacher offer? After the meeting, talk to your daughter about the suggestions the teacher made. Check in with her on a daily basis to see if she is following through on the suggestions. See if the teacher’s behavior (and your daughter’s attitude about the teacher) changes after a few weeks.


• If your daughter has talked to the teacher and has sincerely tried to change her behavior, but the situation has not improved after a few weeks, it is time to talk to the teacher yourself. Approach the teacher in the same way that you have encouraged your daughter to do. Be respectful and ask for help. Tell the teacher what your daughter’s experience has been and ask if there is anything you can do to help your daughter succeed in her class. It is okay to tell the teacher that your child feels like she is being treated poorly, but do not accuse the teacher of unfair treatment. Stay calm and acknowledge your daughter’s responsibility to act appropriately in class.


• If you have tried all of the above steps, and you feel that nothing has changed, then it is time to go to the administration. Again, stay calm, and let them know all of the things that you have tried. Ask what your options are at this point and decide with your daughter on the best course of action.


• If, at any time, you truly feel that your daughter is in a hostile environment that could damage her emotionally or academically, then you need to make sure that she is put in another math class immediately.

Should I tell my kids about trying drugs in the past? I don’t want them to think it is okay for them to do it just because I did, but I also don’t want to lie to them. From, G.P.

Dear G.P.,

You are certainly not the first parent to struggle with the issue of telling kids about behavior from your past that you are not too proud of, no matter what that behavior may be. On one hand, it is best to be honest with your children. Your honesty creates a warm, trusting relationship in which your children are more likely to come to you for help and information if they have questions or problems. On the other hand, you may be concerned that telling your children about the risky behavior that you engaged in as a child may be all the permission they need to try that very same behavior. You may worry that you won’t be able to say no to them anymore without being called a hypocrite, or that they will see that your behavior did not seem to have any negative consequences.

The issue of telling your children about your former experimentation with alcohol or drugs (or any other behavior that terrifies you to think that your child might be involved in) is one that should be considered very carefully before your child is of the age where he or she will be asking you these questions. It is best to be prepared so that you are comfortable with what you are going to say. No one knows what your children can handle better than you do, so no one else can tell you what it is appropriate to share with them. Here are some ideas to consider when it comes to sharing behavior from your past with your children.

• Think about what you want to teach your child in terms of the decisions he will be making when you are not around. What can you share with your child so as to benefit him when he is in a similar situation? What were you thinking when you were in the situation that was faulty or misguided? What do you wish you had done differently?


• Take into account your child’s unique personality and maturity level. Consider ahead of time how you think your child may react to what you share and use that to guide you.


• Realize that the same lesson that you try to teach your children about lying applies here. Every time you lie to your children, you risk damaging your relationship with them if and when they do find out the truth. Your children are not entitled to know every detail of your past behavior, but try to find something that you can share so as to maintain an honest relationship with them.


• It is okay to acknowledge your discomfort with the situation. You can say, “I don’t feel entirely comfortable sharing this information with you, but I really want you to learn from my mistakes.” It is also okay not to have a quick and easy answer to every question your child asks. You can say that you need a minute (or a day!) to think about how you want to respond.


• Keep the focus on your child. Remind him that the conversation is not really about you and your past, but about the good decisions you want your child to make. Ask him what he thinks about what you have shared and what he learned.


• Make sure that you are really having a conversation and not giving a lecture. Make your feelings about your child’s experimentation (and the consequences for doing so) very clear and include the reasons why you do not want your child to engage in the behavior. However, let your child express herself, as well. Encourage questions and debate. Talk about why she might want to try some of these behaviors and what she sees going on around her, both in the media and among her friends.


• Remember that a discussion like this should not be a one-time conversation. Encourage your child to think about what you have talked about and come back to you at any time with questions. Follow up on the conversation after a few days.

I have noticed that my seven-year-old daughter has automatically started saying that she can’t do something when she is asked to. It doesn’t seem to matter what it is, from homework to simple things around the house. How can I put a stop to this behavior? From, Chantal

Dear Chantal,

Try to put yourself in your daughter’s place and imagine how you feel when you think that you can’t do something. You might feel unsure of yourself and worried about what you would look like to others if you tried to accomplish something and failed. You may feel unsettled because you are in the habit of letting someone else do it for you, and you are thrown off by the sudden request for you to try it on your own. You might simply be feeling unmotivated and hope that the person making the request will just give up and do the task for you. Your daughter may not be able to analyze her own thoughts as you are able to do, but the underlying feelings are exactly the same.

Children can easily fall into the “I can’t” pattern, especially when parents (with the best of intentions) are quick to help them. However, when you immediately give in to a child who says “I can’t,” either by doing the task for them or excusing them from it completely, you are teaching your child a few negative lessons. You are teaching her that she does not have to try something at which she is not sure she will succeed, which means that she will not learn to face even the smallest challenges in her life. You are also teaching her that any time she wants to get out of doing an undesirable task, all she has to do is say that she can’t do it. Finally, you are showing her that you agree with her – that you don’t believe she can do it either.

It can be difficult to judge what children are capable of, especially young children who continue to develop new skills at an amazing rate. However, it is important to keep in mind that children tend to be capable of much more than is often asked of them, and pushing them to try new things that fall just slightly beyond what they are comfortable with will assist their growth and development. Here are some ideas to try if your child seems to be falling into a pattern of “I can’t do it.”

• Swallow your immediate offer to help. Instead tell her, “I will help you in a minute, but in the meantime, let’s see if you can figure it out yourself.” Give her a few minutes to try on her own before you step in.


• Give lots of positive attention to a child who tries something, even if she does not get it correct. Focus on the effort and persistence, not the end result. Make sure she knows that you think the task is difficult, and you are impressed with her just for trying.


• Watch your words. Don’t dismiss your child with a phrase such as, “It’s easy. You can do it,” because she may feel like a failure if she really cannot do it. Instead, say, “I know it seems hard, but I think you can try it on your own. If you have trouble, I’ll help you, but only after you’ve tried it by yourself.”


• If you think she can do the task, but is confused about how to begin, offer hints about where to start. It is better to ask questions, such as, “What do you think we should try first?” than to be directive. Give her a minute or two to think before guiding her towards what to do.


• If the task is really beyond your child’s ability, break it down for her into the smallest steps possible. Let her do the easier steps on her own, and then talk her through the tougher parts.


• Make sure that your child is getting time with you on a daily basis. Spend quality time together where all technology such as cell phones and televisions are turned off, and your child knows that she is the focus of your full attention. Sometimes a request for help can become the only way the child knows how to get your attention.


• Be a good role model. Let your child see you tackling tough problems and talking yourself through possible solutions.

Dear G.M.,

It is difficult to watch a child that you care about experience social problems, especially because you know what a great kid she is and believe that others could see what you see, if only they gave her a chance. In addition, seeing a child struggle with friendships can be painful reminders for us, as almost all of us can easily remember a time that we felt bad about ourselves because we were not part of the coolest crowd. We want to spare others that we love the pain that we can so vividly call to mind.

Reputations are difficult to break. Popular kids find that others are happy to see them and want to include them in social activities, which serves to boost their confidence and gives them further chances to practice their social skills. Kids who are seen as unpopular can be viewed as difficult to get along with, so others may not approach them and give them a chance to develop the social skills that are necessary to make and maintain friends. So it is important to remember that everyone experiences difficulty with social situations, especially as they grow up and must negotiate a more complex social world with every passing grade.

We must teach children how to have confidence in themselves without feeling the need for approval from all other kids, as well as teaching them the social skills that are necessary in order to make friends. Those friends do not have to be the coolest kids in school – they just have to be loyal, and kind, and fun to be around. While achieving the height of popularity should not be the ultimate goal, it is definitely important to try to help kids who are seen as the most unpopular. The good news is that most kids fall somewhere in the middle, which is a healthy place to be.

Unfortunately, kids who are the most unpopular can be at risk for depression, loneliness, substance abuse, academic difficulties, and behavior problems. They may be drawn to other kids who have been alienated, which could lead them to even more extreme negative behaviors. Here are some things that you can do to help your niece make friends and feel good about herself:

• Help her practice social skills, especially those that involve entering a group or starting a conversation with one person. Help her think of different short phrases that she could use that would get her involved in what others are playing with or talking about. Practice using these phrases, as well as follow-up behavior in case she seems to be rejected at first. 


• Work on listening to others in a friendly and considerate manner. Practice having conversations that involve give-and-take between the two partners. Help her think of questions to ask that follow the thread of what the other person has just said to show that she has been listening. Think of some interesting things that she could share with others. 


• She may need practice with reading and sending nonverbal communication. Make sure that she understands what different facial expressions look like, such as anger, boredom, happiness, and excitement. Help her identify relaxed and open body stances, such as standing straight, facing the person, and making sure her arms are uncrossed. 


• If the child is consistently exhibiting behaviors that seem inappropriate or extremely immature, and/or does not ever seem to have any friends in any situation, it would be wise to get an opinion from a mental health professional, as extreme difficulty with social situations may indicate a developmental disorder. The most important thing to remember is that the ultimate goal is not for your niece to be the most popular girl in school, as popularity does not necessarily guarantee happiness. The goal is to get her to a point where she feel comfortable in school, is able to make friends that are good to her, and is able to feel confident about herself. Keep the focus off of her status (and that of others) and on her ability to interact with other kids in a positive manner.

My mother commented that kids today are so much ruder than they were when I was young. I really want to raise my kids to be respectful of others. How can I do this? From, Alice C.

Dear Alice,

I agree with your mother, although I do not see the rudeness being limited to children. We live in a society where we expect our needs to get met immediately, so we have very little patience when we do not get what we want. Popular media characters tend to rely on rudeness and sarcastic comments as a form of humor. The stress of rushing from one place to another (coupled with serious lack of sleep) can cause irritability that prevents us from using our most polite behavior. The problem is that when adults consistently forget to use their manners, there is no way for children to learn how to behave in a polite way.

So then is politeness really that important? If everyone is a little short-tempered these days and if we are moving towards conducting most of our social relations via abbreviated emails and text messages, then why bother taking on the struggle of correcting poor manners? This point is exactly why you should be holding your child to high standards of polite behavior. When I work with a child of any age who has good manners, it really stands out to me. I am impressed with that child’s level of social skills, maturity, and empathy for others. These assets will always serve him well, both in terms of academic and social situations.

Here are some general guidelines to follow when it comes to raising polite children:

• Teach your children to appreciate what they have and what they are given. While the act of saying thank you is certainly an important convention for children to learn, kids who are constantly prodded to do so may simply learn to say it automatically without feeling (and only when parents are around). In addition to reminding them that a thank you is important, help them add to that thank you by expressing why they are appreciative.


• Help children learn not to interrupt others. If you are doing something or talking to someone, do not allow your child to interrupt what you are doing. If possible, explain what you expect at the beginning, such as saying, “I am going to call grandma right now. While I am on the phone, I expect you to let me talk without interrupting me.” If your child tries to interrupt you, hold up a hand to show that she needs to wait. If your child persists in trying to get your attention, resist the urge to give in, as you will only be teaching her that if she keeps bothering you, she will eventually get what she wants. After you are finished, make sure to tell her that you are impressed with her effort. Ask what she could do next time to make it easier to wait for you.


• Point out rude behavior or comments when you see them on television or in person. Instead of merely saying that something was rude, ask your child what he thinks. Talk about why the behavior could have hurt someone else, and how your child would feel if that behavior was directed at him. Discuss what the person could have done differently.


• Give your child every opportunity to do nice things for others that are not “required,” such as cleaning up after someone else, holding the door for a person at the store, or offering to share a bite of her dessert. Ask her how it feels to help others and how she thinks others feel about her helping.


• Do not let your child hear you make excuses for his poor behavior, such as explaining away rudeness by saying, “He’s just tired today.” You do not want to send your child the message that it is okay to be rude to others if he is tired or hungry. Take care not to excuse your own behavior in the same manner. If you snap at someone, explain to your child that you made a mistake and let him see you correct it.

Of course, one of the most important methods for raising a polite child is to be a positive role model. Go out of your way to demonstrate kindness and respect for others, especially when your child is around.

Our teenage son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and we decided to put him on medication. My husband, my son, and I all have different ideas about which people this information should be shared with. What is the right answer? From, Sarah T.

Dear Sarah,

Other people cannot give you the right answer about this situation; the only right answer is the one that you decide upon together as a family. You, your husband, and your son need to spend some time, over a period of a few days, discussing how you all feel about sharing this information with others. You need to come to an agreement that will be honored by all three of you. Here are some ideas to consider when you have this discussion:

• Keep in mind that there are two separate issues: telling others about the diagnosis and telling others about the medication. You may choose to tell some people about the diagnosis, but not about the medication.


• Start the conversation by asking your son whom he wants to tell, why, and how. Ask him how he can be sure each person is trustworthy and will not discuss the matter with others. Teens, especially younger teens, are not always the best judge of what makes a person trustworthy, so help him be a good decision maker. Ask him to consider thinking for a day or two before sharing with someone else and help him try to predict the reaction. Tell him to be prepared for a negative response, even though the reaction of a good friend will probably be supportive.


• Mention your concern that others might pressure him to share his medication. He needs to stand firm in saying no because he will have no way of knowing how someone else’s body might react to medication that is prescribed specifically for him.


• Practice what your child will say if others see him taking medication, ask him about symptoms, or make jokes about his disorder (whether they know he has it or not).


• Anyone who directly cares for your child while you are not there, such as close relatives, caregivers, or athletic coaches, should probably be told about the medication in case there is an emergency. These individuals will probably be less likely to be judgmental about your decision because they will understand the difficulty that you have been going through. However, be prepared to address criticism, such as others saying that you simply need to change your parenting style or that your child’s behavior is just a normal phase that he will grow out of. You know that you have spent a lot of time thinking things through, trying other methods, and consulting with doctors before coming to a very difficult decision that you felt was necessary.


• Discuss whether you feel individual teachers need to know. Teachers should probably know about the diagnosis in case you need formal or informal accommodations, but they do not all necessarily need to know about the medication. However, someone at the school should be officially notified whenever a child is taking a particular medication, in case of emergency.


• Discuss how you will talk to your other children about the diagnosis and medication, especially if they are old enough to know what is going on. Tell siblings in a straightforward, calm manner. Explain the situation as a health issue – just as some people need daily allergy or asthma medication, some people need medication for ADHD. Do not deliberately try to keep it a secret from them – doing so will only make it seem shameful or something that your son should be teased about. If teasing does occur, deal with the teasing itself, not the subject matter.


• Discuss telling other relatives and friends that you are close to, especially those that know and have been sympathetic to what you have been going through. Always ask your child if it is okay to tell a specific person. If not, stick to his wishes. Don’t tell the person, and then say, “Don’t tell anyone that I told you.” Your child’s trust is the most important issue here.


• Once you come to a consensus, the three of you should practice the words that you will use to tell others, and how you will answer questions that could come up. Make sure everyone, especially your son, is comfortable with the way the questions are answered.

The most important thing is to do what is right and comfortable for your child. You should re-examine the issue every few months as your child ages and finds himself in new situations with different friends and adults.

It never hurts to ask for help, either from teachers, other family members, or in some cases, mental health professionals, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, and clinical social workers. A need to consult a mental health professional does not imply that you are a bad parent or that you have a bad child. All children are different, and almost every child needs extra help or redirection at some point in his life. Getting a diagnosis for your child can often give parents a great feeling of relief – it can make you feel like you’re not all alone in terms of what you are experiencing, and it can also give you a clear path for getting help. 

• Constant, persistent anger, fear, or sadness that seems out of proportion to the event that triggered it, or seems to have no specific trigger.


• Sudden decline in grades and/or school attendance, particularly in children who were good students. On a similar note, look out for sudden withdrawal from an activity that was previously very important and enjoyable without a clear reason and/or a shift to a new activity.    


• Major changes in behaviors, such as drastically different eating habits (including excessive fear about becoming overweight) or prolonged difficulty sleeping.


• Abuse of alcohol or drugs (as opposed to occasional experimentation in social situations).


• Extreme difficulty concentrating, even for short periods of time.


• Preoccupation with one task, such as cleaning, washing, or rearranging objects, to the point that it intrudes on other activities on a regular basis.


• Constant complaints about physical discomfort that are not linked to a medical diagnosis. Make sure to consult a physician first if your child often complains of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical pain.


• Disappearing for long periods of time or running away.


• Any form of harm to self or others, including any risky behaviors that seem extreme to you. Also be aware of persistent concern about doing something “wrong” or “evil” to the self or others. 


• Behavior that could lead to interactions with the police, such as theft, assault, or vandalism.


• Risky sexual behavior, such as multiple partners in a short period of time, unprotected sex, or sexual encounters with strangers or partners that are many years older than your teen.


• Any behavior that prevents normal activity, such as going to school or socializing with friends/family, on an ongoing basis.

Do not ever be afraid to ask for help if you are not sure whether or not you should be worried. Get advice from multiple sources, such as your pediatrician, your child’s teacher (and other professionals that work with your child), school counselors, and trusted family members.

I have heard that teenage girls are more likely to get depressed than boys are. Why is this, and what can I do to try to prevent this problem in my daughter? From, Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Many teenagers, both males and females, experience depressed moods (or intense periods of sadness), particularly around the ages of 13-15. However, it is true that clinical depression is diagnosed more frequently in teenage girls, which is different from childhood depression, which is diagnosed more often in boys. The gender difference begins around the ages of 13-14, and remains throughout adulthood, with rates of depression being higher among adult females.

Many reasons have been proposed for this disparity. Right now, there is little evidence that biological differences offer a good explanation. Some researchers have suggested that girls face problems during adolescence that are not as significant for boys, such as a conflict between wanting to achieve in school and worrying that the traits that are required to be successful will make them appear unfeminine, and therefore unattractive. In addition, when they put on weight in areas such as the hips and thighs during puberty, girls may be moving away from the current cultural ideal of a slim, sexy female. On the other hand, adolescent boys tend to move toward the cultural ideal as they gain muscle. Feeling bad about one’s body can be associated with depression.

Other ideas that have been explored regarding the gender difference include those related to stress and how it is handled. Adolescent girls tend to report that they experience more stress than boys do, perhaps due to more worry over their appearance, higher levels of friendship difficulties, and a more intense focus on romantic relationships, to name just a few. In addition, girls tend to respond differently to stressful and upsetting situations. Girls are more likely to spend time being critical of themselves and dwelling upon their problems; boys tend to try to find something to distract themselves, or act out in some way, such as starting fights.

While clinical depression is a problem that should be handled in conjunction with a mental health professional, there are some things that you, as the parent, can do to try to prevent depressed moods in your daughter.

• Promote her achievement in school and/or other areas of her life that are important to her. Expose her to a variety of female role models that are smart, confident, successful, and do not necessarily conform to typical gender stereotypes. Offer alternatives to media that portray limited options for women.


• While parents may feel that physical attractiveness should not be a major issue, the reality is that it is very important to your teenager. Promote attention to other positive aspects of her personality and talents, but do help her feel good about how she looks. If she expresses dissatisfaction about her body, help her figure out a specific plan to change what she wants to change in a healthy manner. Participating in sports can be a great way for girls to see their bodies as strong and powerful, rather than aiming to simply be as skinny as possible.


• Teach your daughter healthy ways to respond to stressful situations. Show her how to speak up for herself and express her feelings in an assertive and respectful manner. Listen to her when she wants to talk about a problem, but when she begins to repeat herself, encourage her to find something to distract herself or help her relax. Teach her how to recognize relationships and situations that are healthy, and how to remove herself from situations that are not.


• Make sure that your daughter keeps busy, but is not overwhelmed. If she seems to have too much downtime to spend dwelling on her problems, help her get involved in an activity that she will enjoy and feel good about. Doing volunteer work can help combat a depressed mood, as it not only keeps your child busy and promotes a sense of accomplishment, but it also helps her direct her focus to others, rather than herself. On the other hand, if her schedule is too stressful, talk about what activities or classes can be let go. Reinforce the idea that she does not have to perfect at everything she does – you will be proud of her as long as she puts in her best effort while keeping her stress levels to a minimum.

It is also important to keep in mind that the mental health of boys should not be ignored. Simply because depression is diagnosed more often in females does not mean that males are immune from experiencing it. Additionally, depressive symptoms may look different in males, or they may be more reluctant to share their feelings and admit to having problems.

If you have any serious concerns about your child, male or female, such as noticing a prolonged period of sadness or indications that she might hurt herself, make sure to consult a health professional immediately.

Some of my friends are very, very strict about the television and movies that they let their children watch. A few of them have made critical comments about my husband and I because we are more lenient with our kids, but we feel that our kids can handle what they are allowed to see in our house. Should we be stricter about it? From, Sharon

Dear Sharon,

Although there are some developmental similarities when it comes to how children of the same age can process and handle certain types of information, there is also great variability. If you are a parent who spends a lot of time with your child and knows her well, then you know exactly what she is mature enough to handle, and what may be too scary or otherwise inappropriate. No one else can tell you what is right for your kids. Be open-minded enough to listen to your friends, consider their point of view, and make changes if necessary, but do not ever feel that you have to change something that you believe in simply because others do it in a different way. At the same time, you should certainly be respectful of their desires and boundaries when their children visit your home, as well as teaching your child to be respectful of the rules that exist in other homes.

Media influences are everywhere, from television and movies to video games, Internet, magazines, books, and music. In this increasingly technologically-centered world, it is nearly impossible to prevent your child from being exposed to certain types of media. Children can usually find some means of viewing what they want, and the outright banning of any material is a surefire way to make getting to it your child’s top priority. Therefore, the better policy is to teach children how to use media wisely: to expose them to media that is promoting healthy messages and values that are important to you, to show them how to be critical of what is presented to them, and to foster an appreciation of true art and creativity. Consider the following ideas:

• Share the experience with your child. Watch television together, play his video games, and listen to his music. Talk to your child about what he is seeing, and most importantly, teach him how to question it. Is the character making good choices? How is advertising being snuck into the movie to try to manipulate the viewer? How “real” is the reality television show? What would be the consequences of the character’s behavior in the real world? Are hidden messages being presented in that song, such as an undertone of racism or sexism? Is the violent or sexual scene portrayed in a creative manner that adds to the storyline, or it is gratuitous?


• If you do allow your child to make her own choices, be respectful of them – do teach her to question what she sees, but don’t ridicule the show or those who watch it. When you mock her choices, you are not teaching her anything, but rather you are further cementing the line between what is cool in the eyes of kids, and what you, the hopelessly uncool adult, just does not understand.


• If you really think that a show or video game is inappropriate, be specific about why you feel that way. Have a conversation with your child about your reasons. Let her present her side of the argument, and listen respectfully with an open mind before you come to a final decision.


• Be on the lookout for alternative choices that might interest your child, but are more reflective of the values that you would like to teach him. For example, if your child is drawn to the excitement of violent movies, look for other movies that are exciting, but not as violent.


• Look for media that will help your child develop important abilities, such as critical thinking and moral judgment. Children mimic the behavior of others, both real and fictional, so make sure that the majority of the characters that your child is exposed to are making good choices, or at the very least, portraying a struggle with moral issues. Remember that younger children are not as able to understand nuance as teenagers and adults; they may interpret all behavior that the hero engages in as positive, and therefore acceptable for them to copy. Keep this idea in mind when selecting appropriate media for your child.


• Even if you feel that your kids are intelligent and mature enough to handle media that is intended for older children, pay close attention to their behavior after they are exposed to this media. For example, watching violent movies may not seem to affect them at the time, but you may see some anxiety or aggression later that evening or the next day. If so, it may be time to shelve those movies for another year or two.

Of course, I just can’t let you go without saying that the best choice of all is to turn off the television and do something more active and/or mentally stimulating!

Some of the other neighborhood mothers and I take turns watching the kids for a few hours after school so everyone gets a bit of a break without having to pay for babysitters. Normally this arrangement works out really well, but I’m never sure how to handle it when the other kids misbehave. From, Carolina

Dear Carolina,

Everyone comes from a different background, with a variety of values and ideas about the best way to raise children. These differences make it difficult even for two parents of the same child to negotiate the rules and expectations of their own home, and the difficulties multiply when children of other parents enter the situation. However, most parents are on the same page when it comes to wanting to raise polite, well-mannered children who are welcome guests at the homes of others, so they should be open to questions about how they would like you to discipline (and reward) their children while they are under your care.

A little bit of preparation ahead of time can help you prevent trouble from arising, as well as assist you in dealing with problems in the moment. Try some of the following ideas to see what works for you:

• Since you already have an arrangement with the other mothers, ask if it is possible to meet all together one time to make a list of rules and consequences that will be enforced at all of the homes. All parents should make it clear what types of discipline it would be acceptable for other parents to administer and what would not. It would also be helpful to have someone write up what each parent says and email it to everyone in the group.


• For parents who are having a child’s friend over for the first time, talk to that child’s parents ahead of time. Ask what the major rules and consequences are in their homes. Tell them about your home so they can prepare their child for what to expect while playing at your house.


• As you would with your own child, first make sure the child is not acting out for a reason that can be easily fixed, such as hunger or sleepiness.


• Don’t get caught up in the little things. You’re not in charge of other children’s entire etiquette education, so don’t make a big deal if they forget to say thank you one time, eat in a sloppy manner, or act a little bit more rambunctiously than your children normally do. You will be serving as a good role model for your child when it comes to being tolerant of a range of behavior in others.


• If one of the children is having trouble getting along with the others, don’t label that child as mean or difficult, either in your own mind or out loud to the other children. Instead say, “You seem like you’re having a tough day today. Do you need to play alone for a while until you feel better?”


• Try to redirect the entire group of kids into a different activity where the child who is having trouble will be more likely to behave well. 


• Be on the lookout for good behaviors in all of the children, especially the more difficult ones. Praise the children for the specific good behaviors that you see.


• Enlist the help of the child who is having difficulty to help you monitor the behavior of others. Often children who are misbehaving need a little bit of extra attention, and rise to the occasion when given some responsibility.


• Even if you are really having trouble with a child, refrain from threats of punishment, especially those that you cannot follow through on. Instead, tell the child that you really want him to have a good afternoon, and ask if you need to call his parents to see if they have any ideas about how to help him make better choices about his behavior.


• Try to control yourself if you do get frustrated. Don’t yell or make sarcastic comments such as, “You get away with that at your house?” or “You should know better than that!” Talk to them in a calm, but firm voice, and remind them of the rules. Say, “In our house, we don’t…. Instead we….”


• If you do end up losing control in some way, take a moment to calm down, and then explain to the children what happened, such as, “I got so worried when I saw you trying to climb up to the roof that I lost control. I’m sorry if I scared you by yelling, but I really need you to follow the rules when you’re at my house so that I can keep you safe.” Give a similar explanation to the parents when they come to pick up their child so that the story is not misunderstood when the child tells it at home.


• After the other children have left, make sure to talk to your own child about any bad behaviors that you saw. Talk about why you have the rules that you have, and what is expected in your home. Make it clear that different families have different rules. If your child was well-behaved, tell him what good behaviors you saw and how proud of him you are.

My sister-in-law told me that she thinks that my daughter (who is in 1st grade) is having problems with her grammar. My daughter is an only child, and I don’t have a lot of experience with kids, so I don’t know if my daughter is really having problems, or if the mix-ups she has are normal for her age. From, Terrie

Dear Terrie,

While there are standards of proficiency and expected behaviors for each age, it is important to remember that these standards always exist within a range that is considered normal. Your daughter might be at the lower end of normal for her age when it comes to grammar, which does not predict anything regarding her future abilities or her overall intelligence. Some kids are just a little slower to develop certain skills than other kids, and then they catch up to, and can even surpass their peers. Before you worry too much, keep in mind that your sister-in-law may be comparing your daughter to her own children, who might have fallen at the upper end of the normal range. Children also tend to have more trouble using language correctly when they are anxious, so it is possible that at this age, your daughter could be nervous or uncomfortable being away from you and with her aunt.

On the other hand, you should take your sister-in-law’s opinion as one piece of evidence and do some investigation on your own. Start paying close attention to your daughter when she speaks. Keep notes of the mistakes that she makes to see if you notice a pattern, both in terms of the types of mistakes that she makes and situations in which she makes them.

Your best immediate resource is your daughter’s teacher, since she will have experience with hundreds of children your daughter’s age to serve as a comparison group. Ask her if she has noticed any problems, and if so, if she has any recommendations about what you can do at home to help your daughter. If the teacher is not concerned, then it is likely that your daughter is developing normally for her age. If the teacher does show some concern, ask the school what you have to do in order to get your child tested for speech and language issues.

If your child does not have a speech/language disability, but you feel that she needs some extra practice with grammar, try the following ideas:

• Don’t make her more nervous and self-conscious about her grammar by drawing attention to it. Make sure that you are modeling correct grammar for her, but ignore her mistakes. If she says, “We eated pizza at lunch today,” then you should reply, “You ate pizza at lunch today? How did it taste?”

• Give your child lots of chances to practice talking and to hear you speaking correctly. While you’re driving in the car, turn off the radio and have a conversation. If you’re in the grocery store, talk to her about what you’re buying and what you are going to do with it. Make up a silly story together. Walk to the corner and take turns describing what you see around you.

• Every night, either at the dinner table or before bed, give her a chance to tell what she did that day and what she expects to do tomorrow. Give her your full attention. Again, if she makes a mistake, ignore it, but rephrase her sentence using correct grammar. Encourage her to use longer and more complex sentences. If she says, “I ate chicken,” follow up with, “Right. You ate chicken and drank…” and let her finish the end of the sentence.

• Spend extra time reading books with her and having her read to you so she can be exposed to the correct use of language in a more relaxed, non-school setting. Make it fun, such as taking books on a special picnic or reading with a flashlight under the covers together.

• Whenever you are talking with your daughter, be patient with her. Encourage her to take a second or two to think before she speaks. Give her a chance to talk before you jump in and try to help her express herself. Be aware of your body language – make sure that you are not expressing frustration or impatience through rolling your eyes, frowning, or sighing.

• The first and most obvious benefit is that teens can earn money to spend on what they want. They learn the value of money, as well as the important skill of making wise choices by equating how many hours they would have to work in order to purchase what they want. 


• Working gives teenagers an appreciation for what they have and for what many people have to go through in order to just survive. It can also give them more of an understanding of what their parents do to support them.


• If your child is not happy with the type of work she is qualified to do right now, it can be a great motivator to stay in school in order to get a better job.


• Working helps prevent the creation of an entitled, spoiled child who thinks that he is too good to do certain tasks and that he deserves anything he wishes to have. 


• Part-time jobs help teens learn skills that they will need later, both in school and in the workplace. They can learn how to communicate effectively, how to work with people that come from another background than they do, how to deal with authority figures and rules that seem unfair, how to manage time effectively, and to take responsibility for their actions. Make sure where she is working is not dangerous or exploitive, and does not expose her to people who influence her in a harmful way. Otherwise, she will survive any challenge and learn a lot from the experience.


• Working teaches your child not to give up just because she doesn’t get what she wants the first time. If she doesn’t get a job or a promotion that she applies for, help her figure out what skills she has and brainstorm some options for the future.


• Getting a part-time job will not put your child at a disadvantage when it comes to extracurricular activities on her college application. She will probably have something very interesting to write about her job in her application essay, whether it is a positive or negative experience.

It may be a lot easier to buy your child the toy that you swore 20 minutes ago you wouldn’t purchase, no matter what kind of tantrum your child threw in the store. It may be a lot easier to pick up your child’s toys yourself than to spend a half hour prompting her to do it herself. And it may be a whole lot easier to solve your child’s problems for him than it is to teach him how to handle them himself, but when you always do things for your child, you’re not really doing him any favors. You’re inadvertently telling him to repeat the bad behavior again in order to get what he wants.

Is it okay to make life easier for yourself once in a while by giving in and buying that toy or just cleaning up the room yourself? Of course! As long as you establish a general pattern of teaching your child that he does not always get exactly what he wants the minute he wants it, and that he has to learn how to do things on his own, you can avoid raising a spoiled child.

It’s never too late to work on changing your child’s behavior, no matter how old he or she is. Here are some characteristics that you may see in a child that are signs that you need to make some changes:

• Excessive whining and tantrums (more than other children of the same age)

• Demanding style of communication. For example, saying, “I want…” or “Give me…” instead of “Please can I have…”

• Feeling entitled to things without working or waiting for them. Getting angry or extremely jealous when others have things that your child does not.

• Expecting to always be the center of attention, and sulking, pouting, or acting out whenever they are not

• Not taking personal responsibility for mistakes or problems; always blaming others when things go wrong

If you see any of the above signs, here are some ideas to try:

• Stop doing anything for your child that she can do herself. If the task is too hard, break it down into smaller pieces, and help her with the parts that are too difficult, instead of doing everything for her. If your child encounters a problem with another child or with a teacher, talk with her about different possible solutions that she can try before you step in. It may take more effort on your part right now, but the payoff will be worth it later.

• Expect your child to do chores. Even if you have someone who cleans your house, your children should still have daily responsibilities that contribute to the running and cleanliness of the household.

• Do not let your children have clothes, toys, or gadgets whenever they want them. Children need to work for, or at least wait for, the things that they want. Children should be presented with a budget and choices so they understand that material goods are earned through work and sacrifice.

• Children should not get the privileges they ask for without any discussion. While it is important to renegotiate privileges as children age, parents should not immediately give into all demands. Your kids also need to know that privileges come with responsibilities. If new privileges are granted, new responsibilities must be taken on.

• Consistently enforce all of the rules in your home. Do not let bad behavior slide without consequences or purchase a new gadget immediately because your child “really, really wants this one and will never ask for anything else ever again.”

• Do not book up your children’s time with tutors, activities, sports, etc. When you do this, they are not learning how to schedule their time or accomplish tasks on their own. They are also not learning how to entertain themselves. If your children say they are bored, do not jump to amuse them. Your response to a statement of boredom should be, “What can you think of to fill your time?”

• Tell your daughter, “I can see that it has been hard for you to remember our rules about not eating in the bedroom and watching TV with the door closed. Let’s see if we can figure out a way to help you remember.”


• Try different ways to help her with her memory, such as having her write sticky notes with the rules and posting them near the TV, or making poster collages with pictures of food that is crossed out. Any extra practice with memory tricks will be helpful for children who have experienced developmental difficulties.


• Tell her that even though it may be hard for her to remember, she will still need to learn the consequences for breaking the rules. Discuss what those consequences will be and follow through on them every time. She needs to see that the end result is the same, whether she lies or forgets, and you won’t have to waste time or energy trying to figure out if she is lying. 


• Be on the lookout for times when she does remember the rules. Give lots of positive attention, such as saying, “I noticed that you finished your snack in the kitchen before you went in to watch television. You must feel good about remembering to follow the rules. I’m really proud of you.” 


• Make a behavior chart to keep track of days where she was able to follow the rules. Think of rewards that she can earn after a week or a month of good days. 

In terms of the consequences, discipline works better if it is specific, immediate, is appropriate for the situation, and allows the child to make up for breaking the rules. For example, a consequence of eating where she is not supposed to could be having to clean and vacuum the area. 

Long-term, general punishments, such as not being able to go anywhere for the summer, are usually not as effective. It is harder for children to connect that broad punishment to breaking a specific rule. In addition, taking away all privileges may backfire, since it may seem to the child that she has nothing further to lose, so she might as well do what she wants. 

A better alternative would be to make the consequences more immediate, such as saying that she cannot go bike riding this week. Reinforce that she can start over next week with a clean slate. Provide additional incentive for her to behave by allowing her to earn back privileges, such as getting one day taken off the punishment for every two days that she is able to follow the rules.

Cut down on your daughter being able to play the adults against each other by deciding with your husband exactly what the rules of the house will be and what the consequences and rewards are. Write them down so that everybody can clearly see what they are, and post them where your daughter will be able to see them every day. That way, she will learn that the rules are the same, no matter which parent she is dealing with. 

On a final note, ten-year-olds should not have televisions in their rooms. It is too difficult for parents to monitor what they are watching, so don’t set yourself up for failure right from the start. In addition, the more accessible that television is, the more likely the child will be to turn it on in lieu of doing other activities. Remove the television from the child’s room, and if you need to, lock other televisions using parental controls. Have your daughter earn television privileges with good behavior, rather than being allowed to watch whenever she wants. Find ways to keep her occupied in other activities that are more stimulating (and better for her memory development), such as reading together or playing board games.

• Take note of the times when your child is biting his nails. Is it before he goes to school? After you have told him not to do something? Right before dinner? Looking at the events that happen before or during his nail biting might give you a clue as to why he is biting his nails (such as being worried, hungry, or bored), and therefore point you in the right direction to solving the problem.

• You should also try to remember what was going on in your child’s life when the nail biting started. Did he get a new babysitter? Start a new school? Were you, the parent, stressed out or worried about something? Is he transitioning away from sucking his thumb?

• Do not say, “no,” grab your child’s hand, or make a sarcastic remark when you see your child biting his nails. Instead, ignore the nail biting and give your child something else to do with his hands, such as giving him something to hold or play with. A stress ball or other toys of made of squishy material can be particularly satisfying. Always make sure that your child has something to occupy his hands when he is riding in the car, watching television, waiting for you, etc.

• Look at your own behavior. Most people have bad habits that they engage in when they are nervous, and kids pick up on what adults are doing. Make sure that you are not biting your own nails, or demonstrating any other similar nervous behavior, such as twisting your hair or picking at your skin. Children also pick up habits from their friends, so make sure that your son is not around others who are biting their nails.

• Since nail biting can be a sign of anxiety, focus on keeping your home (and other places where your son spends time) as calm and stress-free as possible. Your son’s life should be as routine and predictable as possible. Try to keep loud voices and negative comments to a minimum.

• Teach your child other ways to cope with stress and anxiety. Help him put his feelings into words and pictures. Teach him how to relax by taking deep breaths, or give him simple statements to tell himself such as, “I’m okay,” and “It’s not so bad.”

• Shift your focus away from trying to catch your child biting his nails and punishing him for it. This behavior will only encourage him to try to hide nail biting from you, in addition to increasing his anxiety. Instead, tell your child that you are going to work together to figure out how to stop him from biting his nails. Have fun trying different ideas, such as wearing colored bandages on his fingers or sewing pictures of his favorite cartoon characters on to a pair of gloves that he can put on when he gets the urge to bite his nails. 

• Make sure that your child’s nails are kept short and neat. Sometimes nail biting can begin due to simple discomfort. Carry extra clippers or files with you so that you can teach your child to use these instruments instead of biting when he gets uncomfortable. 

• Keep track of how often your child is biting his nails and how much damage he does to his fingers. Mention it to your pediatrician at your child’s next check-up to see if the doctor has any concerns.   

I invite my readers share your ideas with Camille. What has or has not worked for you when it came to breaking your child’s (or your own) nail biting habits?

Melissa posted a question about her 10-year-old nephew, whom she has been raising for five years. Her nephew has been diagnosed with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and takes medication to help him get through the day. Melissa feels that she does not have the patience with her nephew that she had when her own grown children were young. She wants to him to do well, but feels very stressed because she and her family find it difficult to be positive with him. 

For children with ADHD, images and sounds whirl constantly in their heads, making it very difficult to concentrate on any one task. Think about how hard it would be for you to get work done if colored lights flashed in front of you, music blasted, and your chair jerked around. Children with ADHD have a lot of trouble sitting still, planning ahead, and concentrating for long periods of time. They also have difficulty controlling impulsive behavior, which means that they often act first and think later.

Dealing with children with ADHD can be aggravating for parents and caregivers. However, it is important to realize that your reaction to the child can have a big impact on his future behavior. Adults often treat children with attention problems with frustration and anger, instead of helping them learn how to control attention and impulses. These interactions set up a pattern that can lead to a downward spiral and unhappiness for everyone involved.

Here are some ideas for Melissa and other caregivers of children with ADHD:

• Remind yourself that this child has a physical problem in his brain that makes it hard for him to control his impulses. He is not being difficult on purpose. 


•  Keep the child active. Enroll him in sports or other activities where he will get a chance to move around a lot. Make sure he gets some exercise every day.


• Find a mentor for him through a program like Big Brothers Big Sisters. Another adult can be a good influence on him, and can give you some time off.


• Schoolwork is very difficult for children with attention problems. The earlier you can get them to establish good study and organization habits, the better off you all will be. Set a daily schedule for getting homework done. Make sure that lots of breaks are built into the schedule. Ask for help from teachers, such as requesting extra copies of assignments, direct notification of big assignments or tests, notes home when problems start to arise, and modified/shortened assignments. Help children break down every assignment into very small steps. 


• Children with ADHD fare much better with routine and structure. Make sure rules, expectations, and consequences are clear and consistent. Keep his routine as similar as possible from day to day. Establish a check-off system for times like leaving the house and going to school, as necessary items are often forgotten.


• Find things for him to do in the home that make him feel useful and make you feel good about having him there. What is he good at? What does he like to do? Make those things his responsibility, instead of assigning chores that set him up for failure and set you up to get angry with him.

• Kids with ADHD often have trouble following through and following directions. Keep directions very short, and give him one step at a time. For example, instead of saying, “clean up your room,” tell him to put the clothes on the floor into the hamper. 


• Give frequent praise for any good behavior (even if you have to look hard to find it). Ignore poor behavior unless it is dangerous. Don’t ridicule, yell at, or be sarcastic with him; if you feel the urge to do one of these things, walk away. Learn to take a deep breath or count to ten before responding to something that has frustrated you about the child.


• Spend some time each week doing things you both enjoy so you can establish a pattern of being happy in each other’s company. This idea is especially important for someone like Melissa, who may grow to resent a “problem” child that is not her own.


• Make sure that you are monitoring medication. There are many different medications for children with ADHD, and sometimes the type or dosage needs to be changed as children age and their bodies develop. Also be aware of side effects like stomachaches, headaches, trouble sleeping, and irritability.


•  Some children with ADHD benefit from behavior management programs, which can help teach impulse control through a structured system of desired behaviors and rewards. Ask your child’s teacher, school counselor, or psychiatrist for more information about establishing one of these programs in school and/or at home.


• Join a local support group for families with children with ADHD so you can get new ideas and a place to vent your frustrations. Perhaps you will meet parents that would be willing to trade off childcare with other families so everyone gets a break.

Vera posted a comment about her three kids. They irritate her at most times, and she thinks that they hate her. She says that she loves them, but whenever they come near her, she gets angry. This problem is affecting her marriage. Vera wants to know how she can build a successful relationship with them.

One of the biggest illusions about parenting is that a good parent is thrilled to be with her children all the time. When someone is not happy around her children, she feels very alone. She thinks that she is not only a horrible mother, but also a terrible person. The truth is that parenting is an extremely difficult, non-stop job. No matter how much you love your children, it is impossible to love this tough job every minute of every day. So any mother that gets irritated once in a while by her children is not an evil person, but rather a very normal one. Children who receive warmth and love from their parents on a regular basis are not going to be seriously affected by the occasional irrational outburst.

However, a situation like Vera’s, where anger and irritation seem to be the norm, should be addressed immediately. Vera should give herself credit for recognizing the problem and asking for help, which says to me that she is a good, caring mother, who just needs some support and assistance.

Here are some ideas for Vera:

• Look at yourself as an individual. Is it only your kids that irritate you, or does it seem to be everything and everyone? Is there something about your life (other than your relationship with your kids) that you dislike? Find out how to change that. When we are not happy with ourselves, everyone else seems to irritate us.


• Often the targets of our anger are not the original source of it. Having children can bring up bad feelings from situations that occurred when you were their age, or you may feel resentful about the sacrifices you chose to make in order to have kids. You need to address where all of this anger is coming from, and consider sources other than your children.


• See a doctor to make sure that you do not have a physical problem. Sometimes irritation can come from being overly sensitive or in pain due to a physical ailment or change.


• Learn ways to manage your anger. One simple technique is to calm down by taking a few deep breaths and focusing on lowering your heart rate before you respond to your kids.


• Try an experiment. For one week, respond only with kindness to your children, even if they irritate you. Be careful about both your words and your behaviors when you are around your kids. Don’t be critical, judgmental, or sarcastic. Don’t roll your eyes or glare at them. Tell them you love them. Be on the lookout for good behaviors, and compliment your kids on what you see. Ignore bad behaviors unless they are dangerous or extremely mean. See if their behavior changes towards you.


• Remember, you are the adult. You have more control over your feelings and actions than children do. It is okay to discipline them for rude and inappropriate behavior, but you still need to respond with love and warmth to them even when they don’t show it to you.


• Talk to your kids one-on-one. Go do something together, even if it is just taking a short walk. Tell them that you know it has been unpleasant lately, but you love them and want to have a good relationship with them. Ask them what they think, and really listen to their answers without getting defensive. Change the unpleasant patterns of interaction by setting up as many fun and enjoyable activities that you can, both as a family and individually with each child.


• Talk to your husband about what needs to change for you to feel good about the family. Speak to a marriage counselor if necessary; a strong, healthy, low-conflict marriage is one of the best things that parents can give their kids.


• Get social support. Talk to other mothers and ask if they have ever been through a situation like the one you are in. Ask for their advice. Another good source of help is the school. Talk to your children’s teachers for their views on how to reach your kids.


• During this rough time, make sure that all of your kids have at least one adult in their lives that they can turn to for support, whether it is another family member, a coach, or a family friend.


• You may need to seek the help of a mental health professional. Sometimes constant irritability and anger with others can be an indication of a problem like depression.

It is difficult to leave your child in daycare or school for the first time, and having to adjust to a new community at the same time can put even more stress on both you and your daughter. You want to make sure that you find a school for her that minimizes that stress by helping both of you feel at ease when you leave her there. The first issue really should not be the amount of time that you leave your child, but if the school is a place where you feel good about leaving her, whether it is for one hour or ten.

Check out the program carefully before you even think about sending your daughter there. Spend a few hours in the school so you can see what your daughter’s day would be like.Bring your daughter with you so you can get a sense of whether or not she feels comfortable there. Look for the following:

• A well-trained staff with years of experience in early childhood education


• An emphasis on social skills through multiple opportunities for free play with other children


• Hands-on activities (such as art, gardening, animal care) that promote learning through fun exploration


• Activities and materials that stimulate physical and motor development


• A positive method of discipline with a focus on teaching appropriate behavior, rather than critical or shaming punishment


• Clean rooms and bathrooms


• Constant close supervision of all children – children should never be in an area where staff cannot see them and get to them quickly


• A positive, warm, loving environment where you would want to spend YOUR day


• In addition, you should gather information from other sources. Strike up conversations with people that you see around town with kids. Since you are in a small town, many people should be familiar with the school and can give you honest feedback. They may also have other ideas to suggest to you, such as parent participation groups or parent co-ops. As an added bonus, asking for advice can also be a good way for you to make new friends and get to know people with children in your new community.

If the school feels right to you, then you can move on to the next step of being concerned with the hours and schedule. The hours that you mention do seem to be quite long for a preschool day, and may refer to the times that staff is available for before and after-school care, rather than the time that the child is expected to be there. If the school day really is that long, ask if there are shorter days or other part-time programs offered. You should also ask about the daily schedule and make sure that there is a good mix of active play and downtime.

If there is anything about the school or the schedule that does not feel right to you, do not send your daughter there. Find other ways for her to interact with children in the town, such as taking her to the park, starting or joining a playgroup, inviting neighbors to play at your home, visiting the library during story-time, or finding other community activities that local families with young children participate in.

• Demonstrate composure and control. If you are overly anxious or fearful, your children will pick up on it, which will make them more worried. If you feel shaken and upset, make sure to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down before you speak to your children about what happened. It is okay for your children to know that you are/were scared or worried, but they should always see that you are in control and will protect them. Deal with your own anxieties about what happened by speaking with friends or professionals, but do not use your children to vent your emotions.    


• Help children express their feelings. Let them know that it is okay to feel scared or angry. Listen to them and help them label their feelings. Draw pictures or write stories to assist them in expressing themselves. Brainstorm together about ways to help them feel better.


• Be honest with your children about what is going on. We all worry more when we think that we only have part of the story. Tell them in a straightforward manner exactly what happened, but be brief and concrete. Encourage them to ask questions, and answer them honestly. If you don’t know the answer, say that you don’t know, and find out. 


• Constantly tell children that they are safe. Demonstrate to them what mechanisms are in place to warn them of danger and help protect them in case of emergencies. Talk to them about the different professionals that are working to keep them safe (police, fire fighters, military, etc.) and how much training these professionals go through in order to do their jobs well.


• Re-establish your household routines as soon as possible. Routines make children feel safe and restore the belief that the world is a predictable and controllable place. A sense of predictability and control cut down on feelings of stress.   


• Spend extra time with your children for the first few weeks after the disaster or tragedy. Offer lots of physical contact, such as holding them or sitting close to them.


• Limit media exposure about the event. It is okay to watch a little bit of news coverage to get information, but do not let them watch the same dramatic images over and over again. Spend family time reading, listening to music, or playing board games, instead of watching television, especially right before bedtime.


• Empower your child by figuring out a way to help the victims as a family. Clean out closets to donate items to victims, talk about how to raise money for local charities, or simply write a letter together expressing support for people who lost homes or family members.


• Monitor changes in your child’s behavior, such as eating, sleeping, starting fights, or becoming shy and withdrawn. Recognize that every child will be affected differently and will have different needs. If your child seems to be reacting with extreme fear, worry, or anger, consult a mental health professional.

• Have ongoing, short conversations, not just one major discussion. Children need to hear any important lesson many times and in many different ways. Be calm so as not to scare them. Tell them that some adults can be trusted, but some cannot. Explain which adults in your child’s life can be trusted (such as grandparents) and which should not be (such as strangers). 


• Teach your children which body parts are private. If anyone tries to touch them (other than a doctor during a check-up), your child should let you or a teacher know immediately. Even if she is unsure, it is always okay to ask. 


• Answer questions about body parts and sex honestly, calmly, and in a nonjudgmental manner so that you establish a pattern of your child coming to you and trusting you. 


• Tell your children that no adult or older child should ever tell them that there is a secret that you, the parent, cannot know about. They should come to you, even if the person said not to. Emphasize that you will always protect them from harm. 


• Make sure that your child knows that you will never be angry if she tells you something that someone else did, or that she did because someone else forced her to or talked her into doing.   


• Give your child the words to use if someone tries to touch her inappropriately or says something to her that makes her feel uncomfortable. Practice with her so that the words come automatically.


• Make sure that you know the parents of your child’s friends, that your babysitters come with references that you have checked out carefully, and that your child is never alone with adults or older children that you do not know. If you or your child feels uncomfortable around someone else for any reason, play it safe, and stay away from that person. 


• Know that young children do not yet have the words or memory capacities to completely describe the actions of other people. Older children may have the skills to express themselves, but may feel uncomfortable. If you think that your child is trying to tell you something, let her know that she can act out what happened, draw you a picture, or write you a letter.


• If your child does come to you about an incident of sexual abuse (or if you suspect something is wrong), keep your child away from the person involved. Write down exactly what your child said and did. Share these notes with your pediatrician and/or a counselor that specializes in children who have been sexually abused. These professionals can help you figure out what to do, both in terms of reporting the incident and helping your child deal with what happened. It is extremely important that your child knows that you are on her side, that you believe her, that she has done nothing wrong, and that you will help her with whatever she needs.

• Children need to experience small amounts of disappointment, anger, and frustration throughout their lives. They need to have bad experiences every once in a while because they have to learn how to cope with the tough times that will inevitably befall them when you are not around to take care of them. Think of your children as being on loan to you from the world outside – you have just a few years to prepare them for what they will face out there without you. How are you going to do it?


• Make sure that your children are challenged. Don’t make things easy for them all the time. Then they expect everything to be easy, and they will completely shut down whenever it’s not. When everything in children’s lives is pre-arranged for them, it makes them afraid to take risks and causes high levels of anxiety whenever they have to do something on their own.


• Don’t clean up messes for your children. If they forgot about a paper that is due tomorrow, don’t stay up all night with them helping them write it. Don’t run to school at the last minute to drop off homework that was left at home. Let them learn how to plan and learn the consequences of not planning. 


• Children need to learn delay of gratification, which means waiting for something that you want. Don’t give them everything they request right away. Let them wait for things, whether it is waiting a few minutes for your attention while you finish up a task, or a few months to get the newest technology gadget. Even better, make them work to earn the money to purchase that latest technology gadget. When children have to work for things, they learn the pleasure of a sense of accomplishment. They also build pride in themselves, which will make them stronger in the face of any difficulty.


• Involve children in activities that do not require constant adult supervision. Encourage them to play on their own and amuse themselves. Independent play allows children to develop social skills, as well as the ability to control and express their emotions. It also helps them develop leadership skills.


• Any time children ask you for help, your immediate response should be, “Try it for yourself. If you can’t figure it out, come back, tell me what you did, and I’ll see if I can help you.” Give children a chance to be self-sufficient when it comes to solving problems.


•  Take the focus off of superficial signs of achievement (the grade, the college, the test score) and concentrate on the importance of learning new things. React to bad grades or other negative outcomes calmly with statements like, “What did you learn from that situation? What can you do differently next time?”


• Never contact teachers to solve a problem for your child unless your child has tried to solve the problem first. Then ask yourself if the problem is one that is going to seriously affect your child’s long-term ability to learn and/or feel good about himself. It is healthy for children to get used to dealing with people who are not particularly nice or completely fair.


• Think of yourself as more of an executive director of your child’s life, rather than a micromanager. Don’t examine everything they do or make a huge deal out of it. Constant examination makes everyone self-conscious and worried about failing to live up to expectations. Make sure children have guidance, supervision, and clear overall expectations for their behavior, but don’t control every action they take. 

Nicole posted a question on the discussion forum about fighting with her sister. She is concerned that she and her sister are always fighting, and she wants to know what to do.

There are very few adults who can say that they never fought with their brothers and sisters. Anybody that you spend a good amount of time with is going to get on your nerves eventually, no matter how much you love him or her. So the goal is not necessarily to eliminate fighting altogether, but to make the disagreements less frequent and less painful for both of you. You want to learn how to prevent fights from escalating, or getting increasingly emotional and filled with anger. Here are some ideas for how to do that:

• Work together with your sister to brainstorm ways to stop the fighting. Talk to her at a time when both of you are calm and are getting along. Tell her that the fighting is really bothering you, and you would like it to stop. Ask her what she thinks you can do to prevent fights from happening. Give her a chance to talk without you interrupting her, and then ask the same of her. Based on what you have said, make some rules about how you will both act when you are together, and write them down. Figure out together what the consequences will be if one of you breaks the rules.
  
   


• Try to fight in a healthy manner. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing, as long as you’re not being cruel or getting physical. Use what psychologists call “I-messages.” Start your sentences with, “I feel…” or “I was…” and be specific about what is bothering you. Then ask for what you would like to happen next time. For example, say, “I was upset when I saw you wearing my shirt today without asking me if you could borrow it. Next time, please ask me first.” This statement will get a much better response from your sister than, “You are so rude! You always take my stuff without asking!”
  
   


• Learn to walk away when fighting gets too intense. Tell your sister, “We are both getting too angry right now, and I don’t want things to get worse between us. I’m going in the other room until we are both calmer and can talk about this without getting so upset.”
  
   


• One technique for preventing fights from escalating is to learn to take a deep breath and count to five before you give any reply at all during a situation where you are arguing with your sister. This habit is a great one to get into for all relationships that you will ever have! It gives you a chance to think about what you are saying, rather than just blurting out a response that might make things worse.
  
   


• Another way to stop fights from getting worse is to stay quiet and calm. At a time when you would normally start to raise your voice in an argument, try lowering it instead. When you lower your voice, other people tend to lower theirs, as well, which automatically makes the conversation more civil.
  
  


• Take the responsibility for establishing a better relationship with your sister in general. Try to do at least one nice thing for her per day. Compliment her when she deserves it, and thank her when she does something nice for you. Ask her for help with things or invite her along when you go out – she may be starting fights with you because she wants your attention.
  
   


• Think of yourself as the role model for your sister. Treat her how you want her to treat you. When you are around her, act how you would want her to act as a representative of your family in the outside world.
  
  


• Ask your parents, or other adults that you know, if they have any suggestions. Don’t accuse your sister of anything – just ask the adults is they have any ideas that worked for them when it came to sibling fights.

Note to parents: If you have children that are constantly fighting, consider giving them a copy of this article, and give them a chance to work out the problems themselves.

My first-grader is a very picky eater, but I want to make sure that he learns healthy habits. What can I do to make sure this happens? From, Sherice

Dear Sherice,

As children move toward the early elementary school years, appetite tends to decrease a bit because the rate of physical growth is slowing down from what it was in earlier childhood. Think of the difference between what you are willing to eat when you are really hungry compared to what you are willing to eat when you are fairly full. Being more selective about what you eat as you are able to spend more time away from your parents is also a very healthy adaptation; the older you get, the less you rely on adults to select food for you, so you stick with food that is very familiar because it hasn’t made you sick in the past. As children age, they also become more aware of themselves as unique individuals with their own preferences, so they are more likely to reject a food that does not fall in the “favorite: category. Children may seem pickier than they were before because of all of these changes.

However, eating a variety of healthy foods is extremely important for children, both in terms of immediate nutritional needs and in terms of establishing healthy patterns for the rest of their lives. Healthy eating is not only important for physical growth; poor nutrition has been linked to impulsivity, aggression, and inability to control attention.

Just as they do with all other actions, children imitate the food choices and eating behaviors of the adults they are surrounded by. Kids usually have the food and beverage preferences of the people with whom they spend the most amount of time, so monitor your own eating and drinking habits, as well as your own attitudes about food when you are around your children. Let your kids see you trying a variety of nutritious foods. Kids also imitate the food choices of friends that they admire, so collaborate with the parents of your children’s friends to make sure that they, too, have a variety of healthy foods available to them.

Other ideas for making sure that your child develops healthy eating habits include:

• Make sure that mealtimes are a pleasant, relaxing experience for everyone. This will help your child develop a positive association with sitting down to healthy, complete meals. Avoid conflicts about picky eating and food that is refused; these problems can turn mealtimes into one big power struggle and an unpleasant experience for everyone.


• Let your child eat at his own pace. Pushing children to eat more or eat faster leads to overeating because children do not learn how to pay attention to their own bodily cues that tell them when they are hungry or when they are full.


• Unlike adults, children have to choose from what is presented to them, so offer them a variety of healthy foods. Limit your purchasing of empty calories or junk foods, and do not allow these foods to be an option at meals or snacks. Make sure nutritious foods are presented in an attractive manner.


• Get your child on a regular eating schedule. Small meals and several snacks should be provided at the same times every day. Frequent smaller meals and snacks offer children to eat a little bit at a time and learn not to stuff themselves.


• Give your child small plates and small portions. We all tend to overeat when too much food is put on our plate. Instead, start small and give your child the chance to ask for more. Let him serve himself so he learns how to portion out how much he is really hungry for.


• Every few weeks, introduce a new, healthy food to your family’s eating repertoire. Offer it early in the meal, before your child has eaten too much. Respond matter-of-factly if your child rejects the food. Accept the rejection, and let your child watch you enjoying the food. Serve the food again a few days later, and repeat the process until your child asks to try some.


• Do not use food as a reward, especially sweet or junk foods. Using a food as a reward increases its value and makes it even more attractive, while reinforcing the idea that eating the healthy food is an unpleasant chore.


• Do not completely forbid certain foods. Anything, food or otherwise, that is forbidden automatically increases in value. Secretly getting the item becomes a game for your child. Instead, teach your child lessons in moderation and balanced eating.

Jamell posted about wanting help for being shy and being afraid to talk to people. Being shy is a very common problem, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone experiences some degree of shyness in different social situations. Even people that seem to be very outgoing may feel shy when they are with a new group of people or when they are with people that intimidate them for some reason.

It is also important for you to know that there is no definition of what is normal when it comes to being shy or outgoing. Some people are just more comfortable being alone (or being with just one other person), and there is nothing wrong with that. So don’t push yourself to be somebody that you’re not if you’re the kind of person who just likes to do solitary activities. 

However, if you really do want to interact with others and spend time in groups, but have a hard time doing so, there are things that you can do to slowly push yourself to be less shy. Look at the ideas below and see which ones you would like to try first:

• Show outer signs of confidence, even if you don’t feel that way inside. Hold your head up and stand straight. Make eye contact with people for a few seconds at a time (making eye contact for too long makes people uncomfortable). Confident people take up space, as if they are entitled to be wherever they are, so make sure that your arms are loose at your sides and your feet are a few inches apart. Even if you don’t feel confident on the inside, people will assume from your body language that you really are, and they will start to treat you as such.  


• Starting a conversation with someone new is one of the hardest things to do. Have a few simple opening lines on hand such as, “I haven’t met you yet. I’m Lisa.” Asking people for information is another good way to start a conversation, since it makes them feel good about helping you out.  


• We all feel better when we walk into a situation that we have prepared for, so prepare for a social interaction in the same way that you would study for a test. Think about what topics might come up, and look up a few facts about these topics so you’ll be confident about what you can add to the conversation. Practice making a few of these statements out loud, so that they feel easy to say and sound natural. 


• Watch people who don’t seem to be shy. How do they act? What do they say? How do they use their body? What are their facial expressions like? What can you learn from them and use for yourself?


• Get family members and good friends to help you practice starting conversations with others and talking in groups. Role-play different situations in which you tend to feel shy and ask your family and friends to give you honest feedback. 


• Learn to relax before you enter a social situation. Stop in the restroom for a few minutes and focus on slowing down your breathing and heart rate by taking very slow, deep breaths. 


• Many people who are shy are very critical of themselves. They look at their own behavior very closely, instead of really participating in conversations with other people. So try to focus on the person you are talking to, rather than on yourself. Try to stop worrying about looking awkward or saying something embarrassing, and just listen to what the other person is saying. 


• Shyness can also come from self-consciousness and low self-esteem. Find ways to build up your self-esteem so that you are not always worried about other people judging you in a negative way. Get some exercise, wear clothes that you feel good in, try a new hairstyle, etc. If you’re always feeling like you’re not as smart as the people around you, then do something about it – read the newspaper on a daily basis, take a class, or take a trip to the library to find some interesting books. 


• Give yourself small assignments, like just saying hello to someone in a parking lot or trying to strike up a conversation with a person behind you in a line. It won’t matter if you mess up, since you’ll never see that person again.


• Sign up to take lessons, such as art, cooking, music, or sports, in a group. It will be easier for you to interact with a group when you are taking a lesson because the activity will be focused on what you’re learning. You will also have a ready-made topic of conversation, since you are all there because you’re interested in the same thing.


• Consider going to a local support group for people who are shy. It will give you a chance to learn from others and practice social skills in a group where everyone really understands what you are going through.  

• Stress the expandability of intelligence or talent. Emphasize working hard, rather than natural ability. Don’t say, “She’s just a born athlete,” or “He’s got such a math brain.” Instead point out the amount of work that goes into learning new things and practicing them.


• Praise children for effort and persistence in the face of difficulty, rather than focusing on achieving perfection, being number one, or getting A’s.


• Try to respond more with interest than with praise to your child’s accomplishments. Ask questions and get involved in what she is doing, but don’t simply praise – otherwise your child will believe she has to do well in the activity just to get your praise and approval.


• Teach your child how to do what psychologists call “positive self-talk.” We all have a narrative that runs through our heads that explains why we did certain things or why things happened to us. Think about how those explanations affect the way we see ourselves. If I am walking down the street and I trip, I could say, “I’m so clumsy. That always happens to me. I just can’t do anything right.” Or I could say, “I must be wearing slippery shoes today. I’ll just have to be more careful next time.” Think about how those different statements affect how I feel about myself. Teach your child to redirect faulty or negative beliefs into more positive statements. Practice making these positive statements out loud together.


• Avoid any criticism that mocks or shames children. Label a behavior as wrong or inappropriate, but follow that statement with one that is optimistic about them being able to start over right now.


• Children need to be disappointed or frustrated sometimes. Let them know you care and are there to help, but do not take care of their problems for them. Acknowledge that things go wrong sometimes, and they have to learn to deal with them. So teach children how to solve their own problems, rather than always stepping in to fix them. Help them talk problems through, clarify what is going on, and think of solutions and possible consequences. However, let them make the final decision. Afterwards, help them evaluate the outcome.


• Work on building a sense of humor and the ability to be silly. People with low self-esteem often take themselves very seriously and examine every thing they do for imperfections. Life doesn’t need to be so serious or perfect all the time! Enroll your child in activities such as acting or art where she can let loose a little bit. Model for your child your own ability to laugh at yourself when things go wrong.


• Find unique activities that your child can participate in where she can feel special and excel. Athletics can be a great way to boost girls’ self-esteem, but make sure to find a team and/or coach that promotes a healthy lifestyle and a positive environment. 


• Help your child develop a tougher skin by letting her know that not everyone has to like her in order for her to feel good about herself. Talk about famous people, such as artists or musicians that she admires. Despite their popularity, these people have many critics, but continue doing work they believe in.    


• Make sure that your child is surrounded by friends who make her feel good about herself. If her friends are saying or doing things that make her feel unworthy, then help her find a new group of people to socialize with.


• Talk to your child’s teacher or other adults involved in your child’s life and ask for suggestions. 

• Don’t give your child a lot of time to dwell on going to the doctor. Tell him a few hours ahead of time, so he doesn’t feel surprised, but don’t drag it out over many days. It is very important to be honest at this point, such as not promising that there won’t be any shots. 

• Tell your child what to expect. Describe what might happen, such as saying, “The doctor will look in your ears and listen to your heart with a tool called a stethoscope.” You can even call the nurse for details about what to expect. Be positive, such as saying, “It’s really neat that the doctor can hear your heart beating and see how healthy you are.”

• Let him talk about his fears, and don’t tell him that he shouldn’t be afraid. Instead, reassure him that you will be there the entire time, and that you know he is brave enough to go to the doctor even if is he scared.

• Plan for plenty of time before the appointment to get ready and get your child in the car. How much time do you think you need? Okay, now double that. This strategy will cut down on your frustration and anxiety. You don’t want your child to associate going to the doctor with you being angry and upset with him. 

• Don’t negotiate with your child. Be sympathetic, but firm – “I do understand that you really don’t want to go, but you don’t have a choice right now.”

• Don’t set your child up for failure by offering rewards, such as, “I’ll buy you a video game if you don’t scream while you’re in the doctor’s office.” Instead, plan something fun to do after the appointment, so you can remind him throughout the day of what he has to look forward to. 

• Do activities in between visits that make the doctor seem less mysterious. Read books about going to the doctor, and talk about how the characters handle their fears. Purchase play doctor’s equipment and let your child examine you. Have him tell his stuffed animals how to handle their fears about going to the doctor.

• Leave any siblings at home, unless they are older siblings who have a calming influence on your child. If you have to bring them, bring books and games to distract them so you can give your total attention to the child being seen by the doctor. 

• Write down a list of questions ahead of time. Leave space on the paper for answers. Take the pad of paper and a pen, and have them in a handy place when you get to the office. If the doctor does not have time to answer them at that point, ask for another appointment or a good time to speak on the phone. Leave space at the bottom of the sheet to write down instructions that your doctor gives you. Repeat the instructions as you write to make sure you understand them as the doctor has given them to you.

• Ask yourself if there is something about this particular doctor that makes you or your child uncomfortable. If so, find another doctor. Ask friends and other medical professionals for recommendations. The time you invest in finding the right doctor for your child will certainly pay off over the next few years.

• For younger children, and for first offenses, take more of an educational approach, rather than a disciplinary one. When you catch your child lying, talk about the difference between truth and imagination. Explain what you believe really happened, and why. Then give your child a chance to tell the truth. 

• Clearly define what you mean by lying.  Children may need a few examples so they really understand. Then tell your child exactly what the consequences will be for lying. Follow through the next time you catch your child in a lie. For subsequent offenses, the consequences should become more and more severe.

• Let your child see that telling the truth has its benefits. You may want to reduce a normal punishment if your child comes clean right away. 

• Have ongoing conversations about why lying is wrong. Talk about how it can hurt the liar and others. Point out lying and its consequences when you see it in real life, in movies, or in books.

• Involve your child in determining the consequences for lying. It is best if the consequences involve finding a way for the child to make up for the lie. If your child has lied about another person, ask her to think about how that person is feeling and how her lie will affect that person. Have her write a letter of apology. 

• Don’t become obsessed with being a lie detector. Be on alert for suspicious statements, but don’t try to trap your child or scrutinize everything she says. This strategy can backfire, as your child will begin to see lying as a game to try to outwit you, rather than really learning about the moral issues involved.

• Tell your child that you know she is an honest person who is trying her best to be truthful. The more that you label your child as honest or moral, the more she will internalize that label and start to act in accordance with it. 

• Lying, like many other forms of misbehavior, may be a way for your child to get your attention. Make sure that you are spending enough time with your child on a daily basis without distractions. Give lots of praise to your children whenever they tell the truth in a case where they could have lied.

• Let your child know that you will love him, no matter what he has done. You may be angry about his behavior, and he will have to accept the consequences, but you still believe in his ability to act correctly. He should know that he will never have to lie about who he is or what he has done in order to win your approval.

• Be a good role model for your child. Monitor yourself for lies, even ones meant to spare others’ feelings. 

• Constant lying that persists over time is a serious concern that could be a sign of more serious problems, such as conduct disorder or substance abuse. If your child’s lying seems to be out of control, or more extreme than others of his age, consult a mental health professional. Make sure to document all instances of lying and the circumstances that surrounded them, and share this with the counselor. 

•  The most important thing that you can do as a friend is to express your concern and offer your support. A sense of loneliness is quite common due to the many changes that take place during the adolescent years, but people who are suffering from psychological difficulties may feel even more alienated and alone. Having a friend tell them directly that she is concerned can be a major help.

• Start by sharing your own feelings. Be honest. Tell her that you feel a bit uncomfortable bringing up the topic, but your concern for her overrides that discomfort. This can be a good method for bringing up a difficult issue.

• Be clear and direct about what your concerns are. Be specific and state the behaviors that are worrisome to you. For example, say, “I noticed some cutting marks on your arm last night, and that concerns me,” or “I am worried about the amount of alcohol that you have been drinking in the last few months.”

• Avoid being judgmental, as that can make your friend defensive and unwilling to open up. Do not tell your friend that she is doing something wrong, bad, or harmful. 

• Be willing to sit in silence and just listen. If your friend has a hard time expressing herself, ask her to draw a picture, write a poem, or play a song that conveys how she feels to help you understand. 

• Be aware of your limitations. The best way to help a friend is to encourage her to seek help from a professional. Psychological problems should be viewed in the same way as medical problems. If she had cancer, you would not try to operate on her, but you might help her find a good doctor or drive her to her appointments. You can help her find a counselor by doing some research or making some phone calls. You can even offer to drive her to a clinic or go with her the first time. Ask her what would be the most helpful thing that you could do for her, but don’t try to fix her problems yourself.

• Do not get wrapped up in this person’s life and problems to the point where you are not able to live your own life in a healthy way. Decide ahead of time how much time and energy you can and should invest in her. Have a plan for how you are going to help her find other sources of support in her life so that you do not bear the sole responsibility.

• Plan ahead. Do not assume that the restaurant will provide any materials for your children, and do not expect restaurant personnel to look after your children in any way. Bring small toys, books, or coloring books from home to keep the children occupied. Leave any toys that are loud or otherwise annoying at home. Do not let children play with food or utensils, especially in a destructive manner. 

• Also plan ahead in terms of what adults will be in charge of entertainment, bathroom trips, and discipline at what times. Think about what situations might arise and how you will handle them, including what you will say. Having a plan and a few simple phrases on hand can keep you from getting frustrated and will help you stay calm. 

• Do not set yourself up for failure by taking children to a quieter, more formal restaurant, especially if they are younger and/or you don’t feel that they are ready to sit for a long period of time. Choose the restaurant wisely by selecting one with a more child-friendly, livelier atmosphere. If possible, ask for a table in corner or in a noisier area (such as near the kitchen or restroom), so you won’t disturb others as much.

• Bring snacks and regular food from home to hold off hunger and prevent tantrums about an order gone wrong. Give your children a very small snack before leaving home to prevent crankiness during the wait. 

• Tell your children ahead of time exactly what the expectations are for their behavior. Be prepared to leave if your children are acting inappropriately. Look at any money lost on the meal as an investment in your children’s future public behavior – they’ll know you are serious next time.   

• Put yourself in the place of others. If you were another diner in the restaurant, what would you want yourself to do? Take children outside if you can’t calm them down quickly. Explain to your children WHY it is important that they are quiet in order to teach them empathy and respect for others.

• Be polite and kind to the server so that you are modeling considerate behavior for your children. Be respectful when ordering and receiving food, and apologize (and teach your children to apologize) for loudness or spilled items. 

• After the meal, again, model respect for others by cleaning up anything that is significantly messier than when a group of adults has been dining. Require your children to help you to whatever degree is possible given their ages. 

• Decide on a reasonable budget for the entire birthday, including the party and the presents. Talk to her about how many hours of work you had to do in order to earn that amount of money. Stick firmly to this budget, and help your child decide what her priorities are. Would she rather spend more money per person and include just a few friends? Would she like to limit the party itself and select a present that costs a bit more? Tell your child that if spending exceeds the budget, she will be responsible for paying the difference. Follow through.

• Talk to other parents in your child’s circle of friends. See if you can come to an agreement about limitations on birthday parties and presents. Make sure not to accuse other parents or act in a judgmental manner. Simply state your own desire to stop the situation from escalating and ask others to join you. 

• Teach your children to be considerate of the needs of others, rather than merely focusing solely on themselves. Have them donate a portion of the gifts they receive and/or some of the money that would be spent on the party to a good cause that they choose. Have your child present the gifts or money to the organization herself. 

• Work with your child to plan a celebration that will be fun, rather than focusing on the superficial, material aspects of the party. 

• Stay strong. Do not give into children when they whine or tell you how embarrassed they will be if they don’t have the same type of party as their friends. It is a good lesson for them to learn that they cannot always get exactly what they want, even if their friends have it. Your job as a parent is to teach your child values that will serve her in the long-term, not to buy her love in the short-term. 

• There are an increasing number of reality shows that feature teenagers leading glamorous lives that revolve around material goods and lavish parties. Many children do not yet have the experience or thinking abilities to watch these shows with a critical eye. Watch these shows with your children and discuss what you see. Point out what may be missing from these people’s lives, or how unrealistic “reality” shows are. Your kids may groan when you do this, but they’ll hear you. 

• Do not merely address this issue during birthday time. Throughout the year, focus on giving your child your attention, rather than giving her material goods. Parents often substitute things for quality time, so children come to equate spending with love. Is this a lesson you want your children to learn?

• Get your children involved in activities, such as sports or lessons, where they will be exposed to adults of both genders. Get to know the coaches or teachers, so that you can be sure that they are modeling behaviors that you want your children to emulate. 

• If possible, request teachers that are of the same gender as the absent parent.  

• Sign your child up to participate in a mentoring program, such as through your religious institution, or a local branch of Big Brothers Big Sisters.   

• Enlist relatives to help out. Make sure that your children spend time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Invite them to dinner, request their attendance at a sports event or performance, or offer to pay for a fun outing. 

• Find an adult of the gender of the absent parent who will agree to be the “go-to” person for potentially embarrassing questions, such as those about puberty or sex. This person can be a relative or friend that you trust. Make sure that your child has his or her contact numbers, and understands that this person is available to talk to, even without your knowledge. 

• Get involved in single-parent organizations, or other family-oriented organizations where your children can see parents of both genders interacting with their children. 

• Make sure to spend time with two-parent families that you know and respect. Be aware that you may feel like the third wheel, but try to put your own feelings of awkwardness aside as you remember that you are doing this for the benefit of your children.  

• Try your hardest to find positive qualities in your children’s father, and talk about them with your children. Make sure that you never bad-mouth him in front of them. Be especially careful not to generalize any of his behavior to apply to all men. For example, avoid statements such as, “I should have known not to rely on your father because men are so irresponsible.” 

• Arrange for your children to spend time with the families of their friends if you think that one or both of the parents is a good role model. This can be either for family dinners, sleepovers, or day-trips. Make sure to return the favor.

• Role models do not necessarily have to be real people. Find books and movies that show both males and females in a variety of professions and roles. Also look for books and movies that depict healthy male-female relationships and/or good parents of both genders. Read or watch them together and discuss what you see.

My husband and I disagree about the issue of spanking. I think it is wrong, and my husband says that he was raised with spankings, and he turned out just fine. He thinks that without discipline like spankings, our kids will know they can walk all over us and they won’t learn to respect us or our rules. What do you think about spanking? From, L.G.

Dear L.G.,

One tough aspect of parenting is that each person brings his or her own set of beliefs about the right (and wrong) way to raise children to the table. These beliefs are formed, for the most part, by the style of parenting that each person was exposed to while growing up. Even if we were not happy with our parents at the time, especially when it came to rules and discipline, as adults, we tend to fall back on the idea that if we are reasonably happy with who we are now, then our parents must have been right in the way that they raised us. The difficulty arises when you have two individuals that come from families with different philosophical beliefs, and you must negotiate a new system that is uniquely your own.

Negotiating what this new system will look like in your home can be extremely tough, as often the feelings that are brought out do not only have to do with your own childhood, but also with the childhood of your spouse. When you voice your opinion against an emotional issue like spanking, your husband may feel that you are criticizing not only his parenting skills, but also that of his own parents.

Make sure that you are being respectful when discussing how you want to discipline your own children, and make it clear to your husband that you are in no way disrespecting him or how he was raised. Most psychologists and pediatricians today agree that spanking is not an appropriate form of discipline, but this idea was not as widely supported when your husband was growing up. All parents do the best they can with the information they have at the time, so your desire not to spank should not be seen as a comment on your in-laws’ parenting skills.

Below are some reasons that you can discuss with your husband about why spanking is not a preferred method of discipline. Make sure to approach him while you are both calm, and reinforce the idea that you want to have a discussion so you can come to a resolution that you both agree upon, rather than wanting to attack his beliefs. It is extremely important that you come to a conclusion that you both can live with and can count on each other to follow through on in a consistent manner.

• Spanking is often done in the heat of the moment when the parent is angry, and it can start to feel good for the parent to release anger in such a way. Therefore, parents can slip into the habit of venting their anger on their children in a physical manner, which can sometimes escalate into more severe forms of physical aggression. If spanking is employed in your household, it should not be done until the parent feels calm and in control.

• Spanking may seem to work in the short-term, and stop the behavior immediately, but it does not teach a lesson about why the behavior was bad, or how it was hurting someone else. The only lesson that it does tend to teach is not to do the behavior again in the presence of the parent, which may lead to sneaky and manipulative ways of acting out behind the parent’s back.

• Spanking often causes resentment and anger, which can damage the parent-child relationship, and work against you in future situations when you want your child to trust you. Children need to feel safe and protected at home; otherwise, they will seek this security in other places and relationships.

• When parents spank, they are modeling aggressive behavior and teaching their children that it is okay to handle problems and frustration by hurting others.

• Deciding not to spank children does not mean that you are forgoing discipline and giving in to spoiled children. There are many, many ways to set limits for children that do not involve physical punishment. Methods such as establishing clear rules with consistent consequences and teaching children how to make it up to someone they have hurt can not only reduce misbehavior, but can also help promote traits such as empathy and personal responsibility.

• Get in touch with a local school and ask if they need volunteers in the classroom. Many children disengage from school because they do not understand information when it is presented to the whole class. Working one-on-one or in small groups with children can have a huge impact on their connection to school. Make sure that you are patient, positive, and offer lots of encouragement when you work with children. 

• Get involved with after-school programs, either through the school or at local organizations. Many children are drawn to risky behaviors after school because they have little supervision. After-school programs provide alternative, healthier activities for children. Many children tell me that they are not able to do their homework at home, even when they want to, because they don’t understand it and no adult is available to help. After-school programs that offer homework help are incredibly beneficial to these children.

• Put together a fund-raiser, such as a potluck or bake sale, to raise money for a school or after-school program. Contact local businesses to see if they can sponsor you. 

• Volunteer to be a mentor for a child through a program like Big Brothers Big Sisters, or contact your local library to see if they have a program that matches adults with children who need help with reading. Research has consistently shown that one supportive adult can make a huge difference in the life of a child that is living in an otherwise bad situation. You can also find out how to start a local branch of a national organization, such as Girl Scouts, or consider starting a youth sports league. 

• Contact the social action branch of your religious institution. Find out what volunteer opportunities or outreach programs you can get involved with. Propose a new program if you see a need for one. 

• Find other people in your community that have the same concerns that you do, and meet on a regular basis to determine the areas that are most in need in your community. Put together a plan to address the problems. Involve children by asking them what their needs are and how they think they can help. 

• Get involved in local politics by going to city council or school board meetings. Find out if there are committees that you can serve on that work to improve the lives of children. Learn about local or state policies that are being considered, and collect signatures for petitions that support policies you agree with. 

• Stay informed about federal, state and local politics. Read about the candidates who are running for office, and learn about their track records for supporting the rights of children. Vote for leaders who have proven that they care about the needs of children. Find out if you can work for their campaigns. Write letters to your representatives that voice your concerns.      

My two boys are fourteen months apart, and they are very competitive with each other, in everything they do. I worry sometimes that their rivalry gets too nasty and will seriously damage their relationship. It’s also not too pleasant for others to be around. What can I do to make their relationship better? From, Corinne

Dear Corinne,

While some degree of rivalry takes place among all siblings, the competition may be even more intense when siblings are closer in age. The nearer in age children are, the more similar they will be in terms of their physical and intellectual skills, as well as their desire for parental attention and approval. They may have the same group of friends and participate in similar activities. It may also be more difficult for you, as parents, to refrain from comparing children who are around the same age.

Another problem that all parents must face is that we live in a very competitive society that tends to focus on winning at all costs and beating others, rather than on improving one’s own strengths. It is hard to insulate your family from outside influences, and it is not necessarily practical to do so, as children will still need the skills to survive in a competitive world. However, there are steps that you can take as a parent to decrease sibling competition within your own family, as well as foster your children’s ability to form positive relationships with each other and with peers.

• Sibling competition is often caused by a need for attention and recognition from parents. Spend an uninterrupted amount of time alone with each child at least once a week. You can do something quick and easy like taking a walk around the block or driving to get ice cream. Turn your cell phone off and ignore any other intrusions. Give each son a chance to talk about whatever he wants and show him that you are really listening by asking questions. When each child is alone with you, he will not have to compete for your attention. Make it clear that your time together is private and what is discussed will not be shared with other members of the family.


• Monitor yourself for instances where you might be showing favoritism in any way. Favoritism is not healthy for either child, as the “favored” child may feel a great burden to maintain perfection, and the other child may push harder, using dirty tactics, to get attention. It is certainly reasonable to expect that older children would have different responsibilities and privileges or that smaller children might need more adult interference, but make sure that differences in treatment have a fair basis.


• Do not make comparisons between your children, as comparisons serve to further promote competitiveness. Be on the lookout for comparisons in disguise, such as, “Someday you’ll be able to play baseball like your brother.” Instead, highlight things that each child is good at, even if they are just small things.


• Do not even talk to your friends or family about one child being better than the other. You never know what little ears are listening, and even if no one is listening, you want to get yourself out of the mindset of comparing your kids.


• Reinforce the idea that everyone is good at something different, and no one is great at everything. Seek out each child’s unique talents and abilities, and encourage participation in different activities where comparison is less likely.


• Promote cooperation in your children as much as possible. Give them chores where they must work together in order to get something they both want, and tell them that you do not want to know who put in the most effort.When one needs help, tell him to ask his brother first before he comes to you. Have them work together to do some sort of volunteer work that helps others. Tell your children that you will not be part of any conversations that involve comparisons with their siblings.


• Make sure that you and the other adults in your children’s lives are not demonstrating overly competitive behavior. Show your children that you are concerned about improving your own abilities, rather than focusing on having more or less than others. Try to expose your children to activities and media that are not solely based on competition and beating others.

• Are the two teachers the twins would have vastly different in terms of teaching ability or sensitivity to children’s needs?   Would one child be getting a much better education or experience than the other? 

• Consider your children’s age and unique experiences. Younger twins and/or twins who have not been exposed to many other children outside the family often benefit from being kept together.

• Are there any major changes or stresses going on for your family, such as moving, divorce, or a death in the family? If so, it may not be wise to break up a relationship that provides extra comfort during a stressful time. If you want to separate them, consider waiting until things are calmer at home. 

• Does one twin have special needs that the other is able to support? While you don’t want to put a long-term heavy burden on the twin doing the supporting, you may want to wait to separate until the twin with special needs has an outside support system in place. 

• It is okay to take your own needs into account. Children in the same class will have the same curriculum and homework,  which will simplify your life.

• Are the children continually distracted by each other or feeding off each other to cause disruptive behavior? Does their togetherness seem to impede the development of language or social skills for one or both twins?   If the answer to either question is yes, separation might be a good idea.

• Are classmates and teachers constantly comparing your twins, academically or socially, so that one twin is always seen as superior? Separate classrooms may give the other twin the chance to shine on his own. 

• Take some pressure off of yourself and remember that you are not making a decision that will last forever. If it feels like you have made an error, you can always make changes next year, or even petition for a mid-year switch if there appears to be a serious problem.    

My husband got transferred, and we are moving from Southern California to the Pacific Northwest. A friend of mine told me that I should beware of seasonal affective disorder. I have heard of it, but don’t really know what that means. Should I be concerned about moving my children? From, J.B.

• If there is any sun out during the day, take advantage of it by standing outside for at least a few minutes. Sit in sunlight as much as possible, even if it is just light coming in from a window.

• Rearrange bedroom and homework areas so beds and desks are near windows. Set up bright lights near work and play spaces.

• Make sure to get some form of exercise on a daily basis. Ideally, exercise outdoors during daylight hours or indoors near a window.

• Stay on a regular sleep-wake schedule, even during weekends. Arrange family activities for the daytime and early evening so you and your children are not staying up too late. Consider getting a timer for certain lights around the house to go on 30-45 minutes before wake-time.

• Be aware that you and/or your child may be more sensitive than others to temperature changes. Dress in layers that provide plenty of warmth, but can be easily taken off.

• Minimize stress as much as possible. Keep a very structured, safe environment with predictable daily routines. Try to keep the household as a calm refuge that is anxiety-free. Do not introduce any changes (such as introducing a new schedule or caregiver) that are not absolutely necessary during winter months. 

• If possible, arrange for vacations to warmer, sunny areas.

• If you notice any symptoms of SAD in yourself or your child, make sure to document what you see, and report them to your physician. 

            We have been having a lot of difficulty with our ten-year-old son lately concerning bedtime. He has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Then he is so difficult to wake up in the morning, and is often cranky throughout the day. What should we do? From, L.J.

            Getting the right amount of sleep is important for all of us, adults and children alike. Sleep has many restorative properties, both physically and mentally. In children, sleep contributes to physical growth, as certain growth hormones are released during the hours of sleep. Children who are well-rested are better able to pay attention in school and exhibit better moods, which contributes to their ability to play cooperatively and develop social skills. As you are also surely already aware, children who do not sleep well disrupt the sleeping patterns of their parents, which can lead to overall family tension and stress.

            There may be many causes for sleep difficulties, which often work together to prevent getting a good night’s sleep. Make sure to take a look at the variety of issues mentioned below, and adjust as many variables as you can to produce a good night’s sleep for your child.

• Limit your child’s intake of caffeine throughout the day, and try to cut it out entirely in the afternoon and evening. Be aware of hidden sources of caffeine by paying close attention to food labels.

• Monitor what your child eats just prior to bedtime. Having a heavy meal and going to bed hungry can both interfere with sleep. Make sure that dinner comes a few hours before bedtime. Ask your child if he is hungry an hour before bedtime, and if so, feed him a small portion of a light, healthy snack. 

• Make sure that your child is active during the day. If he does not get a lot of exercise on his own, exercise as a family, such as taking a walk together before dinner. Try to avoid heavy exercise within 3-4 hours of bedtime.

• Older children should avoid naps that last longer than 15-20 minutes.

• Stay away from any kind of overstimulation in the evening, such as violent or exciting television, movies, or video games. Try to get difficult homework done in the afternoon, and attempt to avoid subjects that could lead to fighting in the evening. Limit evening internet use, which could also get your child overexcited or anxious. Instead, watch calmer movies and television, or better yet, read with your child.

• Establish a regular bedtime that you stick to every night, including on the weekends. Start a bedtime ritual that you will perform at the same time every night. Consider incorporating relaxing activities, such as taking a warm bath, playing classical music, or doing breathing exercises and muscle relaxation. 

• Talk to your child about his bed and his room. Are the mattress and pillows too soft or too hard? Are the textures of the blanket and sheets too scratchy? Is the room too hot or too cold? Too noisy or eerily quiet? Too bright or too dark? 

• Let your child have some leeway in terms of bedtime rules if he can’t fall asleep. For example, if he cannot fall asleep a half-hour past bedtime, he can get up and read in a chair for 20 minutes, and then try to fall asleep again.   

• Make sure your child clearly associates the bed only with sleeping. He should avoid using the bed for any other activities, such as doing homework. Another way to encourage mental separation is to make sure that your child has specific clothes that are only worn for sleeping. 

• Difficulty falling asleep is often associated with either common childhood fears or parental authority issues. To combat both, definitely soothe an upset child, but stick firmly to limits. For example, you can tell your child in a calm, but confident voice, “You can have one drink of water, and then you need to get back in bed. I will stay for five minutes, and then I know you’ll be okay on your own.” Follow through with what you say.  

• Do not give your child over-the-counter sleep medication. If the problem persists, talk to your pediatrician. Keep notes on when your child tends to have problems, and what was going on the day before and the day after the sleep disturbance. Share these notes with your child’s physician. 

I heard the mother of my daughter’s friend mention that she is trying to teach her daughter to be assertive. I would like to do this for my daughter as well, since I have always been on the shy side, and I don’t want to pass this problem on to my daughter. Thanks, D.P.

Dear D.P.,

Parents are their children’s first and most important teachers. In addition to explicitly teaching your daughter how you would like her to behave, it is important that you consistently model for her the behavior that you would like to see. Therefore, it is important that you, yourself, practice being assertive so that she can see the behavior in action.

Being assertive means that you are able to express your feelings and ask for what you want; it also includes feeling comfortable saying no to what you do not want. In order for you to be able to express yourself, you must have some degree of self-awareness that involves knowing exactly what makes you happy and unhappy. You also must have the self-esteem and self-respect to believe that you are worthy enough to ask for what you want and to get it more often than not; you must also understand that others’ needs should not always come before your own.

Here are some ways to encourage assertive behaviors in your child:

•  Part of being assertive involves knowing that you deserve the same right to be happy and to get what you want as everybody else, so having high self-esteem is of great importance. Build self-esteem in your daughter by finding activities in which she can succeed and by placing her in environments where she can feel accepted for who she is. 

• Learn the nonverbal behaviors that go along with being assertive, such as making eye contact with the person you are speaking to. Stand up straight, as good posture indicates confidence. Squarely face the person you are talking to, and do not fidget or inch away. Standing your ground physically shows that you are willing to stand your ground emotionally.

•  When making a request, make sure to stay calm. Practice taking a few deep breaths before speaking, or counting to five before answering a question. 

•  Know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Aggression involves being insensitive to the needs of others, trying to coerce or trick them into getting what you want, and/or trying to intimidate others. Beware that you are not crossing the line into aggressive behaviors, but at the same time do not feel guilty for being assertive.

• Recognize and limit passive-aggressive behaviors. These behaviors involve expressing anger or displeasure in a passive way, such as procrastinating when it comes to doing something you said you would, but don’t really want to do. Passive-aggression can also involve sabotaging activities or projects, “forgetting,” to do something you said you would do, or complaining about something while you do it. Instead, eliminate these types of behaviors and ask directly for what you want (or say no to a request at the outset).   

• Practice assertive behavior through role-playing. Give your child a situation, such as getting the wrong food from a restaurant or being asked by a friend to lie for her. Take turns, and have her give you some situations to practice so you can model good behavior for her. Walk her through the steps of being assertive:

1. Clearly and concisely state the problem. “The television is too loud and I can’t concentrate on my homework.”


2.  State how you are feeling.  “This makes me worry that I’ll do poorly on the test tomorrow.”


3. Make a simple, firm request in a confident tone of voice. “Can you please turn the television down until I can’t hear it when I am in my room?”


4.  If possible, explain how you will help in return. “The next time that I am too loud, let me know, and I’ll do the same for you.”


5. Thank the person for cooperating. 

• Whenever possible, give your child opportunities to practice being assertive in real situations. Give her guidance and support as needed. 

• Gather information from a variety of sources. Ask your pediatrician for a few names. Other good sources may include school personnel, close friends, religious leaders, or your pharmacist. Consider calling a local branch of a national organization, such as the National Mental Health Association. If you live near a major university or research institution, find out if they have professionals that specialize in adolescent needs. Much of the success of therapy is based upon a personality match between the therapist and client. Take your time in determining which professional is right for you and your child. 

• Find out what your insurance policy will cover, including which service providers and how many sessions. Decide how much money beyond what insurance covers you are wiling and able to spend. Let the counselor know about any financial limitations up front. 

• Make sure that you understand the differences between the various types of mental health professionals and how each one could potentially suit your needs. Psychiatrists are physicians who can prescribe medication; psychologists and social workers tend to focus more on counseling sessions, although each practitioner will have a different theoretical background. Do not be afraid to ask questions about the counselor’s schooling, training, methods, and licensure. A good therapist will welcome these questions and give you straightforward answers.

• Consider your child’s personality and preferences. What might matter when it comes to feeling more comfortable with the counselor? What personality traits does your child seem drawn to? Would it make a difference to your child if the counselor is male or female? If the counselor is high energy or more soft-spoken and calming? If the counselor is younger or older? 

• Find someone who specializes in adolescents and who has experience with the specific types of issues your child is dealing with. Be wary of anyone who seems to “specialize” in everything. 

• The counselor should take your concerns and observations seriously and convey a sense that you will be included in the treatment process. While he or she may express a desire to maintain confidentiality so that your child can build trust, he or she should not express that there is a certain mystique to the therapy that you cannot understand or be let in on.   

• Be wary of therapists who promise “quick fixes” or make guarantees. Every person is different, and all human behavior is a result of a complex interaction of biological and environmental sources. While it is true that some children will only require short-term counseling to teach them some basic coping strategies, it is impossible to guarantee results, especially at the beginning of treatment. Look for a therapist who is optimistic and confident, but also seems to be realistic. 

• Prepare a list of questions to ask during the initial consultation. Questions may include topics such as experience with clients of your child’s age and with similar issues, how he or she plans to work with your child, and how much her or she wants you to be involved in the sessions. 

• If you do not feel comfortable, for any reason, do not feel obligated to return. Trust your instincts. Understand the difference between your child’s potential reluctance to go to counseling at all versus not feeling comfortable with a particular therapist.

• Consider joining a parental support group or seeing your own counselor to help you learn how to provide a healthy environment for your child.

Due to some changes in his mother’s situation, my 8-year-old stepson has come to live with us. He is a wonderful kid, and we get along very well. The only thing that worries me is that he is overweight, and seems to be getting more so as he gets older. This is more than just baby fat, and I don’t want him to have health problems or get teased. What can I do? From, Jamie

First of all, you are to be congratulated for your positive relationship with your stepson. I am sure much of the credit goes to you for creating a supportive and welcoming environment for him during a difficult time in his life. This is exactly the type of environment that he will continue to need if you are going to make some changes in his lifestyle. The earlier that you can help him make these changes, the easier it will be.

The first thing that you will need to do is to approach the subject with his father. Even though you have a good relationship with your stepson, his father should be responsible for all major decisions. Make sure to tell your husband exactly what your concerns are, specifically regarding your stepson’s health and well-being, rather than just making general comments about his son being overweight. Make it clear to your husband how much you care about your stepson, and how you want to participate in making changes so he can be healthy and happy. Here are some suggestions for you and your husband:

• Keep the focus on eating well and exercising to stay healthy, rather than on losing weight or hitting a certain target weight. A focus on weight itself can make a person feel more self-conscious and can often be counterproductive. See yourself as an educator or coach, rather than as a disciplinarian. Set short-term, manageable goals that have to do with being more active, or with replacing sugary or high fat food with healthier foods. Keep track of progress and reward even the smallest successes with praise for effort. 

• Discourage eating alone and/or eating while watching television. Limit television, video game, and computer time. Cutting down on media use will also decrease the amount of exposure to advertisements for fatty and sugary foods. Consider implementing a plan where your child must earn hours with media by participating in an equivalent amount of non-sedentary activity. 

• Have family meals at regular times. Turn off the television and cell phones so you model eating without any distractions. Include children in as many steps of meal preparation as possible, from shopping to cooking. Demonstrate behavior such as checking nutritional content and looking for fresh vegetables and fruits.

• Teach your child to rely on internal, rather than external cues, for hunger, such as teaching him to understand the physical feeling in his stomach when he is hungry. Practice eating slowly and recognizing what is feels like to be full. Be aware of sending messages that teach your child to rely on external cues like, “clean your plate.” 

• Cut down on using foods to celebrate or give comfort. Teach your child other ways to reward himself, and practice coping strategies for dealing with bad moods or problems that do not involve food. 

• Incorporate exercise into your daily routine and provide as many opportunities as possible for your child to be active.  Take a family walk after dinner. Go to the park or the zoo instead of going to see a movie. Put on music and dance while doing household chores together. Park far away from the store in the parking lot.  Take the stairs instead of the escalator.

• As a family, keep a food diary. The food diary should include what you eat, how much, and when you ate it. Work together as a family to determine what changes need to be made in order to eat healthier. Have your child take an active role in monitoring what you, the adults, eat and how much exercise you get. 

• Seek help from professionals. Talk to your child’s pediatrician to get recommendations that are developmentally appropriate. Consider consulting a nutritionist, who can design a healthy eating plan, or from a counselor who can pinpoint underlying emotional issues that may be related to overeating or inactivity.

• Recognize early warning signs of schizophrenia, which usually appear a few years before a major episode of psychotic break from reality. These symptoms include: dramatic changes in ability to concentrate and pay attention, depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, refusal to participate in previously enjoyed activities, heightened suspiciousness, and neglected physical appearance. Keep in mind that these signs are often seen in most teens at some time or another, and that they could be indicative of other problems, such as depression or substance abuse. Keep a record of behaviors like the ones above, and mention them to your child’s physician.

• More serious signs of schizophrenia, which often appear after the ones mentioned above, include: seeing things or hearing voices, exhibiting odd behavior or speech that differs significantly from others of the same age, confusing television, books, or dreams with real life, suddenly behaving like a much younger child, and being extremely fearful. If your child consistently experiences any of the above symptoms, or any other behaviors that just seem odd for his age, document them and seek help from a psychiatrist that specializes in schizophrenia. Be sure to mention the fact that you have a close relative with the disorder.

• If your child starts to demonstrate delusional or confused thoughts, do not get into an argument with him about what is real and what is not. Do not try to convince him he is wrong or use logical reasoning to change his mind. Go along with the delusions until you are able to get him to the doctor and obtain a plan for treatment. 

• Recognize that although schizophrenia is now assumed to have a genetic component, environmental factors are also important contributors. Try to provide your son with home and school environments that have low degrees of stress and unpredictability. At the same time, make sure that you are teaching him coping skills like problem solving, how to handle frustration and disappointment, and how to ask for help when he needs it. He should know that he can approach you with any concern, and you will take it seriously. Create an environment in your home where your son feels supported, accepted, and loved.

• Be aware of your own feelings. Common responses to a child’s illness include a wide range of emotions, such as anger, fear, guilt, frustration, and general anxiety. There may also be financial difficulties, concern over issues such as getting the right doctor and proper course of treatment, and the aggravation of dealing with bureaucracies, such as insurance companies and health care systems. Be prepared for all of these feelings to surface, perhaps at inappropriate or inopportune times. 

• Beware of reacting to these feelings by being too overprotective, becoming detached and stoic to protect yourself, or bending the rules regarding discipline and privileges.  In addition, monitor yourself so you are not taking your anger and frustration out on your sick child, healthy siblings, or your spouse.  Make sure you talk to a counselor or join a support group. Don’t feel too guilty to ask for periodical respite care (from professionals or trusted family members) so you and your spouse can go out to dinner and a movie once in a while. 

• Try to control your anxiety in front of your child. All children need the security of knowing that their parents are capable of taking care of them under any circumstances. Be honest, and let your child know you are worried and want him to get better, but project confidence that you all can handle whatever is to come. Talk with your spouse to make sure you are giving consistent messages of hope and optimism.

• Get as much information about the illness from as many sources as possible so you feel more confident in terms of making decisions.  Remember that being uninformed is usually scarier than having all the facts, so do not try to hide aspects of the illness from your child; hiding information will only result in mistrust and insecurity later on. For older children, such as teenagers, allow them to have some control over their treatment options, or at least input into the decision-making process. 

• Ensuring that your child is not falling too far behind in school can cut down on his anxiety and stress level. Make sure there is one person at your child’s school who is in charge of coordinating missed work and how it will be made up. This person should have all of the information about your child’s illness and its expected course so that he or she can communicate with teachers. Don’t be afraid to let the administration know if you are not getting the answers that you need about schoolwork accommodations. 

• If your child is up for it, make sure to have friends over for fun activities so he can maintain social connections. Arrange movie nights or special theme dinners.

• Be sure to attend to the fears and needs of your other children. Be honest with them about what is happening to their sibling. Keep explanations short and concrete. Acknowledge their increased responsibility and any sacrifices they have had to make. Schedule fun activities of their choosing where they will have your full attention. 

• Explain to your children exactly what is happening and what will be happening in the near future. Be very specific and concrete about what to expect in the next few weeks, and prepare them for each new step of change before it happens. Work with your wife to come up with a simple, honest answer to the question of why you are getting divorced that does not place blame on either parent, and make sure that you both stick with that explanation. Ask family members and friends on both sides to refrain from negative comments about the other parent.

• Reassure your children that the divorce has nothing to do with them, and that they will always be able to see and talk to both parents. Make several copies of new contact numbers, place them in your child’s room, backpack, etc, and encourage them to call whenever they need to. Expect many calls at the beginning of the process, and try to be available as much as possible.

• Protect children from major hostile conflicts. Conduct any negotiations that you know could potentially escalate into loud, angry fights, away from your children. Be sensitive to the fact that they may be listening, even if you think you have your privacy. They may feel the need to eavesdrop on you, especially if they feel insecure about what is going to happen next. Avoid this insecurity by always telling them the truth about any changes that are coming up and constantly reassuring them about the things that will not be changing. 

• If you do find yourself losing your temper, show your children that you are making the effort to calm down. Explain to them that you got upset, just like they sometimes do, and you are sorry for anything you said that was mean or that scared them, just like they are sorry when they do something mean.

• Provide continuity and predictability in every aspect of your lives that you possibly can. Try not to implement any changes in schedules, schooling, or caregivers that are not absolutely necessary. The more consistent you can be between houses, the easier it will be for your child to adjust. Come to an agreement with your ex-wife about having the same rules, schedules, and activities, and even food and toiletry brands, at both houses.

• Be very aware of any inclination to indulge your children as a way to lessen your guilt about leaving or not seeing them as often. Keep rules, consequences, and the purchase of material items the same as before the divorce. 

• Do not make your child your confidante.  If you need someone to share your own feelings with, find a good friend or a counselor. Your child should know that you are sad about the changes in the family, but feel secure that you are strong enough to take care of him.

• Give your children opportunities to express their feelings about the divorce. Ask them how they are feeling, and acknowledge their right to feel sad, angry, and scared. For children who are not verbally sharing their emotions, give them the chance to express themselves in other ways, such as doing artwork, or asking older children to share songs that convey how they feel. You can also try reading books about children with divorced parents and ask your child how he thinks the character is feeling. 

• Find a way for the children to stay connected to the other parent, such as a nightly phone call to summarize the day, or writing a diary entry to share the next time they are together.

I have a son in third grade. When I picked him up last week, his teacher mentioned that he is doing quite well in school, but we need to focus more on his social skills. I am not really clear what she meant by this. What can do I to help my son? From, J.M.

Dear J.M.,

First of all, if a teacher mentions something about your child that is not clear to you, you should always feel comfortable asking for clarification. The teacher may have been juggling many different issues at one time, and she may not know that she left you feeling confused. The best tactic would be to approach her during a time when you know she is not as busy as usual, such as waiting around until all of the other parents have picked up their children. Another idea would be to send her an email to ask for a few minutes of her time. When you can get in touch with her, tell her that you want to help your child succeed in her classroom, both academically and socially, and you appreciate any feedback that you can give you. She is the person that knows your child best, outside of family members, and tapping into her knowledge of your child, as well as her expertise and experience, can be extremely beneficial to you.

In the meantime, some general information on social skills can help you out. Social skills include all of the things that we have to do in order to successfully interact with others, such as starting conversations, cooperating, being polite, sharing, and showing concern for the feelings of others. Kids who have better social skills usually have not only more high quality friendships, but they also tend to be more successful academically, so helping your child develop positive social skills is quite important. Here are some ways that you can help your child develop social skills:

• Provide a variety of opportunities for social interaction, especially with other children that can serve as good role models for your child. You may want to ask your child’s teacher for some recommendations, and then arrange activities for your child to participate in with these children. Make sure the children can play on their own, with minimal adult intrusion.

• Ask your child’s teacher what social situations give him trouble, and start paying attention to this issue yourself. Role-play with him to practice positive ways of interacting with other kids in the specific situations that you know are difficult for him.

• Find activities for your child that involve cooperation, such as working together to create something, rather than competition. When children are encouraged to cooperate, they learn how to help others, as well as ask for help when they need it.

• Build empathy by helping your child see things from the perspective of others, and assist him in correctly interpreting the behavior of other people. Point out that sometimes kids hurt each other or say unkind things on accident, so it is important to understand someone’s intent, as well as his behavior. You can do other things to foster empathy for others, such as:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • When you read a story from the point of view of one character, ask him to think about how the other character might feel. You can use the same idea for movies and television shows.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • If your child misbehaves, help him imagine how the object of his poor behavior might be feeling.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Model empathy in your own interactions, such as by stating your own feelings, and then speculating how the other person might be feeling and why he or she might have behaved in a certain manner.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Whenever you see your child acting in a socially appropriate manner, specifically identify what you see, and praise your child. For example, you can say, “You helped me carry the groceries when you saw that they were too heavy for me. It made me feel like you cared about me, and I am very proud of you.” In addition, you can point out behaviors in other children and adults that demonstrate good social skills, and tell your child that you know he is capable of behaving in that way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Make sure that you are giving your child a chance to practice social skills within the family, such as having family dinners where everyone gets a chance to tell about his or her day and ask questions of others. You can do this on a smaller scale during car rides, right before bedtime, or when you pick your child up from school.
  
  
  
  

• Difficulty with social skills, such as an inability to pick up on nonverbal cues, start a conversation, or engage in back-and-forth dialogue. Social skills tend to be better when engaging in a structured activity and worse during free-play time. Because they may have difficulty processing sensory information, children can bump into others and appear not to notice, which can lead to problems with peers. 

• A problem understanding jokes or sarcasm that require one to pay attention to many aspects of speech, in addition to the literal meaning of the words. They may also constantly use words that seem to be many years above grade level and/or excessively formal.

• Difficulty making eye contact in a variety of situations. 

• Consistent trouble with change in routine or schedule. 

• Tend to be very concrete, with a focus on memorizing facts, but not understanding the relationship between groups of facts or objects. They may constantly repeat lines from movies verbatim, but with no understanding of what the lines mean. 

• May appear to lack empathy or emotion. For example, they may be obsessed with playing video games, but for the purpose of getting to the top level, rather than enjoying playing the game itself. 

•  Be preoccupied with one or two interests that are unusual for their age, and be unable to talk about subjects other than these interests. 

• Problems with motor development, such as extremely poor handwriting, difficulty holding utensils, kicking a ball, or riding a tricycle. 

We live in a fairly affluent area where very few teenagers have part-time jobs. My husband and I want our son to appreciate what he has, and we are considering requiring him to get a part-time job. However, many of our friends have expressed concern over this idea, telling us that he should only be concentrating on getting into college right now. What should we do? From, Mrs. S., California

• Teenagers should not work more than 20 hours per week. Working more hours than this tends to have many negative effects in the areas of school achievement and emotional well-being. 

• Encourage your child to look for a job in a field that he might be interested in working in at a later time. Some schools offer credit for jobs or internships, so the school counselor might be a good place to start in terms of locating a good job. Use your own social connections to ask your friends if there are entry-level jobs at their companies. 

• If possible, help him locate a job where he would be exposed to older, professional adults who could serve as role models. Jobs that have large concentrations of teenagers with little adult supervision can sometimes to lead to problem behavior, such as substance use.

• When your son starts working, help him figure out a weekly schedule that gives him enough time to complete his schoolwork, as well as have some relaxation time. 

• Consistently talk to your child about what he is doing at work in the same way you would ask him about what he is doing at school. Ask him about moral dilemmas that might come up, and stress the importance of being ethical and honest, no matter what others are doing.

•  Keep in mind that working may not teach teenagers the value of money when they are allowed to spend all of their earnings on luxury items.   This sudden influx of completely discretionary money can cause a teenager to learn quite unrealistic lessons about income and responsibilities. Before your son starts working, discuss what you expect him to contribute a portion of his wages to, such as car payments/insurance, internet or cell phone bills, and/or a college savings fund. 

• Sit with your son while he is watching television. Try to understand from his perspective what is appealing about the show. After the show, discuss the violent incidents with him with the goal of pointing out issues like the suffering of the victim and the consequences that would follow in real life.  

• Encourage your son to watch movies and television shows that demonstrate positive behaviors. Just as fictional characters can model violent behaviors, they can model prosocial behaviors. If the excitement of the violent movies appeals to your son, look for fast-paced, exciting movies that do not glorify violence. Consider watching movies about real-life violent events, such as wars or genocides, which point out the devastating real effects of violence.

• Be aware that trying to ban certain movies or television shows outright can often be counterproductive, as this action will almost certainly make these programs even more appealing, and your son will find a way to gain access to them at friends’ homes or when you are out of the house. Instead, make your disapproval of the shows clear and explain why you feel that way. If you do make rules about which shows and movies are off-limits, make sure that you have a way to monitor viewing and reinforce these rules. 

• Consider limiting television viewing hours overall, which will reduce the possibility of exposure to violence, and will encourage your son to find other activities. Alternatively, you can set up a system where your son can earn viewing hours by reading or by engaging in activities that are helpful to the family and/or the community.  

• If you do see your son behaving in an aggressive way, make sure that he knows that you have no tolerance for that behavior in your home. Be assertive and consistent in delivering immediate consequences for aggressive behaviors. At the same time, be aware of your own behaviors to make sure that you and the other adults in his life are always modeling non-physical solutions to conflicts. 

 Dear Angela,

• Is constantly bothered by furry or fuzzy textures.


• Is extremely sensitive to lights or sunshine, fragrances, food texture, or background noise. Is distracted by sounds that most others do not notice, such as a clock ticking. 


• Has trouble being close to other people, such as difficulty standing in line next to other kids or sitting near them on the rug.  Does not like to go anywhere with large crowds of people. 


• Is extremely upset by messy play, especially if it involves items like glue or mud getting on the hands.


• Is extremely distressed by grooming activities, such as getting her hair or fingernails cut.


• Does not seem to notice things like hearing his name called or being touched. 


• Does not cry or get upset when injured.


• Seems to injure himself often, such as pinching or biting himself.


• Craves foods that have extreme tastes, such as highly spicy or sweet.


• Shows a preference for crashing into others, jumping, and roughhousing that far exceeds that of other children his age


• Is constantly chewing on or sucking on items that are not food, such as clothing, hair, or small objects.


• Seems to have a need to always be touching and rubbing objects and other people


• Is fearful of playground equipment, especially those that involve heights. Seems to have an excessive fear of even small heights, such as steps. 


• Loses balance easily and often clings to others.

            I have heard a lot about predators looking for kids online, and I am worried about my 12-year-old daughter. How can I protect her? From, Laurie, Virginia

            While it is difficult for parents to relate to their children on many issues, that of new technologies can be the area where the age gap is the widest. Because many of today’s parents did not have email, personal webpages, instant messages, and text messaging when they were young, they find it hard to understand the integral part these new media play in the lives of their children. Along the same lines, they have little to reference in their own lives when it comes to keeping their children safe within this new world. As technology advances, so too, must our parenting practices, although it can seem an overwhelming task to be able to keep up. 

            Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when thinking about internet use for your pre-teen and teenager:

• Set firm time limits when it comes to computer use. The time limit should include web browsing that is necessary for homework, as it is quite easy to fool others into believing one is doing research while engaging in instant messaging or browsing social networking sites. It is useful to build in rules about homework and chore completion before computer use is allowed. 

•  In addition, make rules about where computers can be used. Open areas of the home are the best places for computers to be placed. However, bear in mind the adolescent’s need for privacy, so maintain a respectful distance when your child is using the computer unless you have serious concerns about safety. 

•  Understand that pre-teens and teenagers are curious about issues such as physical development, sexuality and drug use, and they will seek out answers to their questions online. If you are uncomfortable approaching your child to discuss these issues, consider doing some research yourself to find credible information, and leave your child a note listing these websites. Leave books on these topics in your child’s room so she can browse them in privacy. 

• Be aware that spy software or prohibiting computer use may be counterproductive, as the use of these techniques may simply encourage your child to use friends’ computers or those at the library, further hiding his activities from you. Filtering and blocking software tend to be more effective for younger children, as older children are savvier about getting around the filters, again setting up another instance for your child to hide something from you.

• Focus on the goal of educating your child about the realities, dangers, and abuses of the internet. Consistently reinforce the idea that your child can come to you with questions and can trust you not to judge him or overreact.   

• Be realistic when sharing your concerns about the internet with your child. We all tend to shut down when we hear horror stories, as they seem far-fetched or overwhelming. Because of where they are in their cognitive development trajectory, teens also have a stronger tendency than adults to believe in the concept of, “it won’t happen to me.” Instead of trying to scare your child with extreme stories about internet predators, focus on showing your child how to stay safe, such as teaching her that she is not as anonymous as she might believe while online. Remind her of how easy it is to pretend to be someone you are not online. She should be as wary about sharing personal information as she would be with a stranger she meets face-to-face. She should never meet anyone from the internet in person.

• Keep safety nets in place. Tell your child that if he feels an online situation has gone too far, he can always come to you to help solve the problem. Follow through on a promise not to get angry or judgmental. 

• Stay connected with your child. In our fast-paced, demanding world, it is easy to let time for personal interactions slip away. Schedule time as a family without the intrusion of technology, even if it is just for a ten-minute walk after dinner or a breakfast where the television is turned off.

• Another way to stay connected is to ask your child to show you some of the sites that she uses. Teens often enjoy sharing what they know, especially in an area where they can teach you something. Your desire to learn demonstrates respect for her interests and abilities, and shows her that you care enough about her to make time for participating in her world.    

I think my son is having trouble with a bully at school. What can I do to help him? From, Jason, California

Most kids have been subject to teasing at some point in their lives, and they need to learn to be strong enough to handle some types of playful joking around without adult intervention. However, when the teasing appears to be consistently hurtful and causes physical or psychological harm, the problem can require an adult to step in and help, either directly or indirectly.

Bullying can take many forms, such as hitting, making threats, or demanding money or other objects. In general, boys tend to engage in more physical bullying, while girls have a tendency to engage in “covert” bullying, such as ignoring others or spreading rumors about them. Advances in technology bring with them new ways to bully, such as using instant messages, social networking websites, three-way calling, and text messaging to hurt others. Unfortunately, the use of computers and cell phones to bully can prevent home from being a safe haven from the bullying that takes place at school.

Here are some things that you can do to help a child who is the victim of bullying:

• If you think your child is being bullied, take it seriously. An individual incident may be something the child needs to learn to just ignore and move past, but ongoing bullying should not be brushed off. Tell your child that you understand how hurt and worried he feels, and that he can always come to you for help.

• Give your child a comfortable way to begin the conversation about bullying, such as bringing it up when you see a television show with a bully or talking about experiences that you had when you were younger.

• Let your child know that being bullied is nothing to be ashamed of. You should both understand that bullying is most often about issues of the bully, not the target. Make sure that your child knows that you do not believe he needs to change the way he looks or acts, and that you are on his side – you will work together to find a solution to his problem.

• If your child is fearful about going to school, approach the teacher or school counselor to ask for advice and assistance. It is helpful if you and your child can keep a detailed list of incidents, including exactly what happens and when it occurs. Sharing this list with school personnel can help them provide the correct type of help for your child.

• In some cases, talking with the bully’s parents can be helpful, but be aware that this may not always be the case. No parent wants to hear accusations that his or her child is behaving poorly, and the result may be defensiveness. Some parents are also relieved to hear that their child is the bully and not the target, so they may be reluctant to make any changes. If you do feel that it is necessary to include the bully’s parents, consider having a mediator, such as a teacher or school counselor. During the meeting, take care not to attack the bully or her parents.

• Help your child understand that fighting back can often cause the situation to escalate, and your child could end up hurt or in trouble. The best thing to do is to walk away, and if necessary, tell an adult. Role-play things like walking away from the bully, staying calm in the face of teasing, and the words to use when telling an adult.

• Work with your child to brainstorm strategies for dealing with the bully, such as avoiding places where she might encounter the bully, or at least making sure to have a good friend with her when the bully is around.

            My husband moved here when he was sixteen and worked very hard to learn English quickly. We have a six-year-old and an infant. My husband does not want to speak to the kids in Spanish because he thinks it will confuse them at such a young age. He says they should learn later once they are proficient in English. I think he should speak to them in Spanish so they can be bilingual, and that it wouldn’t be a problem to learn two languages at once. I didn’t start studying Spanish until I was in high school, and I have never really felt comfortable speaking it, even with my husband. It just seems like a waste, and we have been having a lot of fights about it lately. What should we do? From, Laura, Texas

            Before you confront your husband again regarding the issue of teaching your child to speak Spanish, try to look at the matter from his point of view. He may still have painful memories of coming to this country without being able to speak the language and communicate with his classmates, and he is trying to protect his children from having to go through a similar experience. Many people feel that part of being successful in this country requires leaving behind one’s past, including both language and traditions. However, in our increasingly global and mobile world, the more languages one speaks and the more cultures with which one feels comfortable interacting, the better off he or she will be.

            Your husband’s fears are certainly not irrational or uncommon, so make sure that he knows that you understand where he is coming from. However, there is increasing evidence that children who learn more than one language from a very early age may be at an advantage in many areas. Every family is different, and parents need to make their own decisions about what is best for their children. Here is some information that may give you a place to start talking about what decisions to make with your kids:

• When children around the ages of 1-2 learn two languages at the same time, they advance more slowly because they tend to mix words from the two languages. Within the next few years, they start to separate the languages, and by the time they begin formal schooling, they are fluent in both languages. 

• Learning a second language is easier for younger children than for teenagers or adults, and proficiency declines with the age that the person learned the second language, with a continuum that starts as young as infancy. People who learn a second language before the age of eight often perform as well as native speakers on tests of proficiency, but after that age, it is likely that they will never perform like native speakers. Young children also tend to be less self-conscious, so they are more willing to practice and make mistakes that can be corrected than older children and adults. 

• Children’s ability to pronounce another language with the proper accent decreases with age. Babies are often called “citizens of the world” because they can distinguish between similar sounds in other languages, as well as having the ability to move their tongues and mouths to be able to pronounce all sounds present in languages throughout the world. We lose these abilities as we age, since we only practice the sounds needed for our own language. 

• Being bilingual also seems to affect other cognitive abilities. Many studies have shown that kids who are bilingual perform better on tasks related to thinking flexibility, nonverbal intelligence, control of attention, and analytical reasoning. Bilingual children tend to be more conscious of grammatical structures of both written and spoken language, and are better able to point out errors in grammar and meaning. 

• Language can influence how we think, in terms of how efficiently we categorize incoming information and how we recall that information when we need it. Giving a child more than one language can provide more choices for processing and recalling information. 

• Keep in mind that simply playing sound recordings in other languages will not increase second-language proficiency. Children need the emotional and social interaction component in order to be motivated to learn another language.

• If you do decide to speak to your children in Spanish, make sure that you also read books in Spanish and do some writing in Spanish. It takes longer to become proficient in reading and writing, so make sure you are giving your child plenty of practice with both Spanish and English. 

• Take the time to listen to your child without making judgments about how he or she is feeling. Say, “That sounds really upsetting,” instead of “It’s not so bad; you’ll get over it.” Kids often cut to feel an instantaneous relief from overwhelming and confusing emotions. If parents tell them that their feelings are somehow wrong or inappropriate, kids may turn to cutting as a way to deal with the disconnect between what they are feeling and what others are telling them they should be feeling.

• Do not assume that self-injury is about getting your attention, and that if you ignore it, she will stop. A child who is engaging in this behavior is suffering emotionally, and should be taken seriously. 

• Be aware that if you approach your teen about this behavior, she may pretend that it is not a cause for concern. Let her know that you are, indeed, concerned, and are there to help her. 

• Let your child know that you care about him, and want to work with him to stop this behavior. Talk about what situations trigger his self-injurious behavior, and ask how you can help him avoid or manage these situations. Do not be offended if your child rebuffs you when you approach him; the act of letting him know you care and want to work together with him can be helpful in itself. 

• Avoid being harsh, critical, or disappointed when it comes to cutting or other self-injury. Your child should know that this behavior worries you because it reflects the emotional pain she is experiencing, but that you understand it is not a simple matter to stop engaging in the behavior. Be optimistic about her ability to find another way to cope with emotional difficulties. 

• In terms of seeking professional help, make sure to find a counselor who has experience with self-injury. Look for a therapist who will help your child learn the specific skills that she needs in order to cope with her emotions. 

• Find support for yourselves, as parents, to make sure you are providing a non-stressful environment where your child can learn to solve emotional problems without resorting to self-injury. 

• Talk with your child every night about what he learned that day, not about grades or tests. Let him know how impressed you are with his thinking skills and his ability to articulate what he learned. 

• Emphasize enjoyment and satisfaction when it comes to learning new facts or a new skill. Model this for your child in your own life by sharing new things that you learn with excitement. However, recognize that learning is not always fun. Point out to your child that sometimes hard work must be done in order to enjoy the end result. 

• Take a step back and let your child take responsibility for his own work. Do not force your child to practice an instrument or do homework. Remind him that it is time to do homework, and he may not do other activities at that time. However, the choice of actually doing the work is up to him, and if he does not do it, he will have to deal with the consequences from the teacher.

• Let teachers and coaches do their jobs and discipline your child for not doing homework or practicing enough. Do not interfere unless you feel that major harm is doing done to your child. Do not cover for your child by rushing forgotten homework to school or letting him stay home because he is not prepared for an exam. 

• Offer encouragement, optimism, and help as much as possible. Tell your child, “I know you can do this if you try.”   If your child does not understand something, help him through the first part. Once you feel he understands, let him try the rest on his own. 

• Do not reward your child for grades. If you feel that you need to use rewards to spark motivation, reward for effort, and not end result.

• Limit after-school activities to one or two lessons or sports. Let your child pick which activities are most important to him, and focus on those. Children need some unstructured time to relax and play with friends. This is how they develop social skills and independence. 

• Encourage your child to study, practice instruments, or play sports for himself, not for you or anyone else. Again, focus on the enjoyment of these activities, not their capacity to serve him in the future.

• Hard as it may be, try to shut out the comments and actions of parents around you. You need to do what is best for your child in the long run, not what will help you compete with other parents in the short-term. 

• Spend time together doing fun activities as a family to show your children what matters most to you. Weekends should not be totally devoted to homework or running from practice to practice. Giving your child a strong, caring family network will serve him a lot better than any test grade ever will. 

• If this is the first time that you are addressing the situation, help your child understand why stealing is wrong. Explain how it hurts other people and discuss how your child would feel if someone took his favorite toy or book from him without telling him. Explain how you would feel if someone took one of your favorite possessions. Remain calm so as not to teach your child that this is a good way to upset you and get your attention. Make it clear to your child that you have faith in his ability to refrain from stealing.

• Make a plan to return the item. Rehearse with your child what he can say. Make it simple, such as, “I took this home with me yesterday. I am sorry if you were looking for it.” If the item is food that the child has already eaten, make a plan for how your child can pay for the item, and have him present the money to a store clerk with an apology. It is helpful if the adult can explain to the child how the theft has affected him or her, but praise your child for owning up to his actions.

• After your child has returned the object or made restitution in some way, tell him exactly what the consequences will be if he steals again, and then let the matter go. Follow through with the consequences immediately if you do catch him stealing again. Do not be upset if you have to repeat this cycle a few times, as it may take him a while to learn. 

• Look at your own behavior to make sure you are not sending mixed messages about stealing and cheating. Do not let your child see what you consider to be minor infractions, such as taking supplies home from work, eating bulk food before it is weighed, or rejoicing when a cashier makes a mistake in your favor. Always take care to demonstrate that you respect the property and possessions of others. 

• If your child is older and continues to steal, despite your sense that he understands the rules, consider seeking help from a counselor. Repeated stealing may indicate other problems, such as developmental difficulties concerning impulse control or underlying emotional issues that require attention. 

Our son is in first grade, and he has been bed-wetting a few nights a week for the last few weeks. He gets very upset about this, and we are quite worried. What can we do?   From, Marsha V.

Bed-wetting, or enuresis, happens to many children. Although the percentages of children with enuresis decline as kids get older, bed-wetting is not uncommon in children around your son’s age. Many parents fear that bed-wetting is a sign of emotional problems, but in the vast majority of cases, wetting the bed is a merely a developmental issue that most kids outgrow without any major intervention. While it is certainly important to mention bed-wetting during your next trip to the pediatrician, as well as keep an eye out for signs of stress or trauma in your son’s life, bed-wetting does not usually indicate the presence of a serious problem.

However, in addition to being frustrating for you, bed-wetting can be quite embarrassing for your child. You can help him deal with this problem in two ways: by assisting him with planning to prevent bed-wetting and by helping him cope when it does occur.

Approach your son with the idea that you will work together to brainstorm ideas about how to prevent accidents at night. Make it clear that you are looking at the situation as a challenge to solve together, not as a problem with him as a person. Some possible ideas to suggest are:

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  Establishing a habit of going to the bathroom as the last part of the bedtime ritual.

  
  


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  Limiting what your child drinks at night, especially in the last few hours before bedtime.

  
  


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  Setting an alarm to wake him up during the night for a bathroom trip.

  
  


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  Practicing holding his bladder for as long as he can during the day.

  
  


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  Using nightlights and/or flashlights to guide the way to the bathroom when it is dark and scary.

  
  


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  Rewarding success with stickers or points. Discuss what he can trade in the points for, such as new sheets, pajamas, or a stuffed animal. Consider rewarding half-points for partial successes, such as smaller wet spots or a nighttime bathroom trip.

  
  

When bed-wetting does occur, try to be understanding of what your child is going through. Do not be harsh or critical with him, as this type of response will only add to his anxiety, not prevent another incident. Punishment and teasing can even make the problem worse, as well as possibly causing long-term emotional scarring. Here are some suggestions for how to handle accidents:

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  Give your child and praise and encouragement when he makes it through the night without an accident. If bed-wetting occurs, try to hide your frustration and disappointment from him. Tell him, “I know you are upset, but if we keep trying, we can solve this problem. I know you can do it.”

  
  


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  Keeping damage to the bed to a minimum will cut down on your irritation. Encourage your child to wear a layer of underwear (or transition sleep pants) under his pajamas. Consider putting two pairs of sheets on the bed, getting a washable mattress pad, and/or layering plastic sheets in between regular sheets.

  
  


• 
  

  Help your child understand that we all have accidents, in some way or another (such as spilling food), but we need to clean up our messes. Keep extra towels, sheets, pajamas, and plastic bags near the bed, and teach him to clean up by himself. Have him help you do the laundry, and let him know how much you appreciate his efforts.

  
  

Alex K. posted a question on the discussion forum for this column asking about how he could help his daughter, who puts too much pressure on herself to achieve in school. While many parents may think that this is a problem that they would love to have, it is quite difficult to see your child constantly obsess about grades and dissolve in tears every time she misses one point on an exam. While academic success is definitely an important life skill, learning how to cope with failure is equally important. We all make many mistakes in all areas of our lives, and we need to teach kids how to rebound from these mistakes. Feeling that one can only be satisfied with perfection in every situation sets up an impossible standard that can often lead to anxiety and depression because the goal will never be met. Striving for perfection also comes with missed opportunities to relax and enjoy the pleasures of life.

Here are some suggestions for helping a child who is overly concerned with grades and school achievement:

• Ask yourself if you are sending mixed messages. For example, if you tell her to relax about her grades, but she constantly hears you bragging about her achievements to your friends, she may feel pressure to excel. Tell your daughter that you are proud of her in ways that do not have to do with school, such as her kindness or sense of humor. Make sure she knows that your love is not at all contingent on her getting high grades.
  

   

  
  


• Monitor yourself for comments like, “I know you’ll get an A,” or “One hundred percent, again.” While these statements may seem supportive to you, they can add pressure to fulfill the role of star student, while at the same time, brushing off her feelings of anxiety. Instead, tell her that you will be proud of her for trying her best, no matter what the grade is.
  

   

  
  


• Many kids who put pressure on themselves to achieve in school do so because it is the only aspect of their identity that makes them feel good. Find out what you can do to enhance your child’s self-esteem in other areas. Help her find activities that are not school-related, or at least activities that do not involve competition.
  

   

  
  


• Help your daughter focus on learning, rather than being the best. Reinforce her for effort (“I was really impressed with how much work you put into that project”), rather than the grade itself. Encourage her to try activities or classes where she might not be able to excel, but will learn something valuable, or even just have a good time. Do not let her quit when it gets difficult.
  

   

  
  


• Point out and discuss “all-or-nothing” thinking, such as, “If I don’t get an A on this test, I’ll never get into a good college.” Gently help her see the faulty logic in her thinking.
  

   

  
  


• Have fun! Set a limit on studying and spend some time together, taking a walk, gardening, going to a museum, etc. Help her learn some relaxation exercises to de-stress and do them together.
  

   

  
  

• The best way to learn about jobs is to actually do them. Help your child find an after-school, weekend, summer, or volunteer job. If he likes animals, have him volunteer at a pet shelter or work at a pet store. Talk with your child about what aspects of the job he likes and what he doesn’t like. Most studies find that academic performance drops when a student works more than 20 hours per week, so make sure to limit working hours.


• Ask if your child can shadow someone for a day of work. Have her talk to the adults she meets about their jobs.


• Find information about a variety of jobs and what they require. Use your local library and/or the Internet.


• Talk to your child about her interests and passions. What would her ideal job look like? What would she do for work if money weren’t a consideration? How can she channel these ideas into a career? Have her think about what is most important when it comes to work: Money? Flexibility? Helping others? Enjoying the work?


• Ask your school counselor how your child can take a career test. Remember that the results of these tests can give him some ideas about careers he may not have considered.


• Encourage your child to talk to relatives and friends about their jobs. Help her come up with questions, such as what they do in a typical day, what they do and don’t like about their job, and what they had to do to get their job. For further ideas, she can ask what other jobs they would like to be doing.


• Have your child talk to his teachers, especially those that teach the classes that interest him the most. Ask the teachers what careers are possible for people who study this area. In addition, ask them what interesting jobs they know about or would recommend.


• Encourage your child to take electives in different subjects so that she is exposed to a wide variety of ideas and fields.


• Take note of unusual jobs that you read about or see on television. Point them out to your child, and ask him if he would be interested in a job like that.


• Be supportive of your child's dreams, but help him understand the idea of possible vs. probable. It is possible that a high school basketball player can make it into the NBA, but the probability is very low. Encourage him to follow his dreams, but have a back-up that is more probable. Look into related careers, such as sports medicine, sports agent, high school coach, or sports advertising.


• Remind your child that many people change careers several times over the course of their lifetime. No education or experience is ever wasted, and often the skills you pick up and/or the people you meet in one job can lead to your next job.

Once your child has some ideas about what he wants to do, make sure he knows what he needs to do to get there. If he needs further schooling, find out what the requirements are to get into the school, and help him plan a schedule for completing these requirements.

My wife and I have always raised our 14-year-old son to think for himself and express his individuality. Lately, we are concerned because we see him conforming to his friends in a very extreme way. Everything that he does, from his clothes, hairstyle, music, and even the way he talks, has to be exactly like his friends. When we try to point this out to him, he gets really angry with us and says that we don’t understand. How can we help him see that he is special the way he is, and he doesn’t have to be like everyone else? From, Peter D., Los Angeles

Dear Peter,

You have nothing to worry about when it comes to your son. The behavior that you describe indicates that he is a healthy 14-year-old boy who is developing right on schedule. During the early teen years, children’s bodies are changing at the same time that they are being placed in new environments with different, more diverse combinations of kids. These changes, combined with the new thinking capacities (such as the ability to look at things from the perspective of another person) and the increasing prominence of sexual feelings, bring about a sense of incredibly heightened self-consciousness.

Young teens are terribly worried about doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, and looking the wrong way. When we are unsure about how to act in any situation, we look to others for cues about how to avoid embarrassing ourselves. Because self-consciousness and insecurity are at their peak around the ages of 12-14, so, too, is conformity. Teens need to try on the behavior of others to see how it fits. After a while, they get better at judging what works for their unique needs and desires, and what doesn’t. Over the next few years, your son will become more comfortable in his own skin and more confident in expressing his individual tastes and opinions.

Here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to your son:

• 
  

  Accept that at this age, his friends are more important to him than you are. They can help him understand what is cool and what isn’t, a job that you, by the simple fact that you are an adult, cannot do. Don’t even try. Pick your battles, and let him conform when it comes to style and taste, as long as he is not engaging in unsafe behavior. As of today, let it go.

  
  


• 
  

  Ignore what you don’t like, such as his conformity when it comes to appearance, and focus on building up what you do like. Reinforce your son’s individuality when it comes to his strengths, personality and ideas. Ask to read his school papers. Look at his artwork. Try to engage him in discussions and praise creative logic.

  
  


• 
  

  Teens do have a paradoxical need to feel special without standing out. Make sure that he is involved in activities where he can excel and build his self-esteem. Tell him how special he is to you. Be specific, and stay calm while he rolls his eyes at you. He hears you, even if he won’t acknowledge it.

  
  


• 
  

  Soothe yourself with the fact that most kids conform to their peers when it comes to more superficial issues like dress, hairstyle, and music. When it comes to larger issues like values, morals, religion, and the importance of education, they are more likely to turn to their parents for guidance.

  
  


• 
  

  Remember that conformity is not necessarily a bad thing. Adults tend to worry about conformity in teenagers only when teens are doing something of which they disapprove. Without conformity in our society, we would have a lot more traffic accidents, crime, misunderstandings, and general chaos.

  
  


• 
  

  Remember that this is just a stage, and he will grow out of it, as long as you are there to support him with the major decisions he has to make.

  
  

• 
  
   If one or both siblings are getting physically hurt, separate them immediately. Make sure that both kids understand that this is a non-negotiable rule that carries consequences if violated.
  
  


• 
  
  §         Many times, fighting occurs in order to get attention. Giving your kids attention when they fight, particularly if you take sides, only increases the chances that they will fight more. Make sure to give each child your attention in other, positive ways. Avoid setting up competition or comparisons of the children, such as, “Why can’t you clean your room like your brother does?” This type of statement only increases their resentment of each other.
  
  


• 
  
  §         Do not let the kids pull you into minor arguments. Tell them that they need to find a way to solve their problems without you. Leave the room, if necessary. Ignore tattling, unless it involves a dangerous situation.
  
  


• 
  
  §         If you must step in, do it quickly and neatly. Tell them they must take a break and stay away from each other until they calm down. Direct each child to a different activity in a separate part of the house. 
  
  


• 
  
  §         Teach your kids skills of communication and fair arguing. Help them express their opinions and desires without attacking the other person. Assist them in clearly stating what they want and why they want it. Show them that they need to compromise on one thing in order to get something that is more important to them. Model this behavior for them in your own relationships. 
  
  


• 
  
  §         Beware of playing favorites, or identifying too much with one of your children. Avoid taking the side of the younger, seemingly helpless child, who may very well know exactly how to provoke his older brother; be aware of your tendency to side with the older sibling because you remember what it was like to shoulder blame as the oldest child. 
  
  


• 
  
  §         Remind yourself to think long-term. In most families, siblings become closer as they grow older, no matter how much they fought as children. The important thing for you to do is create an environment where both children know they are loved and valued, and where they understand the importance of the family bond.
  
  


• 
  
   
  
  


• 
  
   
  
  

My son just started 6^th grade, and homework has become a nightly struggle for us. We are always fighting about getting him to sit down to do it. By the time he does, it is often late, he is too tired to concentrate, and we are too burnt out to force the issue. What can I do to make this process easier? From, Robert

Trouble with homework is an issue with which many parents struggle, particularly around the time of transition to middle school. The homework gets a bit more difficult on a conceptual level, and there are suddenly a variety of teachers with different styles and preferences. Figuring out how to deal with different types of demands is an important life skill for children. You want to let them learn this skill without feeling so overwhelmed that they give up and tune out from school completely.

Here are some ideas that can make homework less of a struggle. Bear in mind that you will get some resistance at first when you implement new homework rules, but if you stick with them, you will help your child establish patterns of work that will be invaluable during high school and college.

• 
  

  Make sure that your child has enough free time. Children are often rushed from one activity to another, arriving home exhausted. Sports, clubs, and music lessons are wonderful for children in so many ways, but not if they add excessive stress regarding getting schoolwork done.

  
  


• 
  

  With your child, determine a period of time each day that will be devoted to homework. Write down the time he will start and finish. Even if your child says he has no homework or has forgotten necessary materials at school, he should sit down to read during this time. This will establish good habits and show your child how important learning is to you.

  
  


• 
  

  Many teachers now post assignments on a school website, which is a useful way for you to double-check what needs to get done. Checking this website (or a planner or assignment sheet) should be done early in the afternoon so time can be planned effectively.

  
  


• 
  

  Your child should have access to a clean, organized, well-lit space in which to do homework. This space should be free from distractions, such as the noise of a television. Keep a box or drawer of school supplies in this space so that time is not wasted hunting for materials.

  
  


• 
  

  Make sure that your child is able to do the homework. We all resist doing something that we don’t understand or think we will fail at.

  
  
  
  
  • 
    

    Help her break assignments down into simpler pieces.

    
    
  
  
  • 
    

    Read directions out loud together and see if your child has any questions.

    
    
  
  
  • 
    

    Do one or two problems together, and let your child finish the rest on his own. Double check to see if he has gotten them right. If not, give encouragement for effort and work together to figure them out.

    
    
  
  
  
  


• 
  

  Your child should know that her job is to do her schoolwork and learn, just like your job is to provide for her and care for her. Work is not always fun or easy, but it must be done. Do not disparage teachers or assignments in front of your child – this will only foster further reluctance to do work and promote disrespect.

  
  


• 
  

  Set up a checklist and reward system. Your child can earn rewards like television, computer, or video game time on a daily or weekly basis based on tasks such as working for the determined period of time, finishing assignments, or getting a good progress report from the teacher. Stay strong and remember that these activities are not rights, but privileges that come with being a responsible member of the family.

  
  


• 
  

  Pick your battles – you will not win a power struggle in this area. If your child refuses to do his work, and you have done all you can to facilitate his doing so (including making sure that there is no learning or emotional disorder present), let him suffer the consequences of being in trouble at school or even having to repeat a course through summer school.

  
  

I have a grandson, age 14, who talks incessantly in class. All his teachers complain about it in his reports. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do? From, Zora

There are many different reasons why your grandson would be talking so much in class, and finding out the reason can help lead you to the solution. It may simply be a developmental issue. Around the ages of 12-14 (boys tend to on the later end of that continuum), adolescents experience growth in their brains that lead them to develop new thinking abilities. These newfound abilities enable them to question accepted social practices and challenge the adults in their lives. Your grandson may be rehearsing these new skills; he may simply need to be reminded that he must to be respectful in class, and be given a few tips to be able to do so.

Another reason why kids talk too much in class is because they are bored. Students are most often bored when the class is either too easy or too hard. Talk to your grandson, the teachers and the school counselor to find out whether your grandson is placed in the right class level. If the class is too difficult, find out what you can do to get your grandson the assistance that he needs.

Kids who talk too much in class may also be looking for attention and recognition. Make sure that your grandson gets lots of positive attention at home, and find ways that he can get it at school, such as encouraging him to join a sports team or club.

Here are some other ideas to consider:

• 
  

  Have a discussion with your grandson first. Make sure it is a calm discussion, not a lecture or accusation. Tell him that you want to help him enjoy school more and learn what he needs to know. Ask him what he thinks about the teachers’ comments. Does he agree? Why does he think that he talks so much? What can he suggest to reduce the talking?

  
  


• 
  

  Contact the teachers about seating arrangements. Your grandson should be seated where others won’t distract him. The best place is in the front of the room, near the teacher. It is also helpful to be seated away from friends and near more quiet, serious students. In classes with open seating, encourage your grandson to make good choices about sitting where he will not be tempted to talk.

  
  


• 
  

  Find out from the teachers if there is a way your grandson can express himself more in the classroom, such as passing out papers or writing on the board.

  
  


• 
  

  Have your grandson keep a piece of scratch paper or a small notebook handy. If he has something he wants to say, he can write it down and communicate it when the time is right.

  
  


• 
  

  Give him alternate ways to get out his energy, such as bringing a stress ball to class and squeezing it when he feels the need to talk.

  
  


• 
  

  Have him monitor his own talking. Sometimes kids just don’t realize how disruptive they are. Ask him to make a tally mark for each time he talks without being called on by the teacher. Go over these marks together and talk about what can do to decrease them.

  
  


• 
  

  Come up with short-term and long-term goals and rewards. Aim to reduce things like daily/weekly tally marks or teacher complaints, and decide together what small reward he will get each day or week. You can also ask teachers if it is okay if you email them once a week to get a number on a scale of 1-10 about his talking. Low numbers can be rewarded. In terms of a long-term goal, discuss what reward he will get at the end of the quarter if teachers report improvement.

  
  


• 
  

  Is the talking a new thing this year or has he always been talkative? Does he interrupt others and get distracted in other situations, not just in school? If the problem has been going on for a long time and seems to happen in other situations, there may be a larger issue, such as an attention disorder. Consult a doctor or psychologist. These professionals can also offer individualized strategies to help your grandson control his talking.

  
  

At what age should my children start doing chores? My husband and I are always debating about whether the kids should be helping out around the house, or whether we should just let them enjoy their childhood without any responsibilities. What do you recommend? From, Gina, Ohio

Childhood should be fun, and free of major worries, but that does not mean that children should have no responsibilities at all. Doing chores is a way for children to contribute to the family, to feel needed, and to learn how to follow through on assigned tasks. Although having very young children help around the house may seem to create more work for you, as they need a lot of monitoring and assistance, it will pay off in the end; doing chores will become a given expectation and a natural part of your family functioning, rather than being a struggle when you ask your child to help out once in a while. Remember that you want to teach your children how to be well-functioning adults once they leave your house – how can they run their own homes if they have never helped you run yours?

You can decide as a family who will do what chores. Here are some ideas for setting up a work system:

• 
  

  Be practical, especially in the beginning, in terms of selecting chores that you know your child can and will do with a minimal amount of reminders. Add responsibilities as your child gets older.

  
  


• 
  

  Be clear about exactly what is expected and when it is to be done. Tell how many reminders you will give and what will happen if the chore is not done by the expected time. Follow through.

  
  


• 
  

  Be willing to negotiate – if a child really dislikes one activity, ask him what he would trade for, and make the switch.

  
  


• 
  

  Even if you have an outside person come to clean your house, your children still should have some chores to do – this will teach them responsibility, as well as building respect for people who provide services to them.

  
  


• 
  

  Try to make things as fun as possible – do chores together, play music, sing, and/or agree on ways to reward yourself when chores are done.  However, it is okay for chores NOT to be fun. Kids need to learn that not everything in life is fun; some activities are just necessary for health and organization.

  
  
  
  Here are some general guidelines for what responsibilities children should be able to handle at each age. Think about your own child’s ability – some children may be ready for certain tasks at a slightly earlier or later time.

• 
  
  Ages 2-4
  
  
   
  
  
  Put dirty clothes in the laundry basket
  
  
  Match socks from clean laundry
  
  
  Put clean clothes away in drawers and hang up clothes with help
  
  
  Pick up toys, books, and games
  
  
  Help make the bed
  
  
  Wipe up spills
  
  

• 
  
  Ages 4-5
  
  
   
  
  
  Help set and clear table (non-breakable dishes)
  
  
  Help wash and dry dishes (again, non-breakable)
  
  
  Water plants after adult fills watering can/spray bottle
  
  
  Feed pets
  
  
  Bring in mail or newspaper (with parent watching)
  
  
  Dust non-breakables with a feather duster
  
  
  Help with simple aspects of cooking, such as measuring
  
  

• 
  
  Ages 6-8
  
  
   
  
  
  Keep own room tidy
  
  
  Fold and sort laundry
  
  
  Make beds
  
  
  Carry in and put away (most) groceries
  
  
  Set and clear table
  
  
  Wash and dry dishes (with the exception of sharp knives)
  
  
  Take out garbage
  
  
  Sweep floor and patio
  
  


• 
  
  Ages 9-12
  
  
   
  
  
  Vacuum and mop
  
  
  More advanced pet care, such as walking and bathing
  
  
  Assist with meal preparation
  
  
  Do laundry
  
  
  Help with yard/pool maintenance
  
  
  Wash the car
  
  
  Polish furniture
  
  

• 
  
  Ages 13-15
  
  
   
  
  
  Clean the bathroom
  
  
  Baby-sit
  
  
  Mow lawn
  
  
  Ironing
  
  
  Prepare family meals
  
  
  Wash windows
  
  
  Clean out refrigerator and cupboards
  
  

• 
  
  Ages 16-above
  
  
   
  
  
  Work outside the home
  
  
  Grocery shopping and other errands
  
  
  Assist with family bill-paying
  
  

I worry about my child growing up in a society that is so materialistic. I feel that my parents taught me how to appreciate the value of money, and I want to pass that on to my child. How can I do that? From, Flora, Illinois

Dear Flora,

Before you read any of my suggestions, read over your own question to find a hidden gem. You say that your parents taught you to appreciate the value of money. This means that you already have a major resource at hand. What did your parents do to help you appreciate the value of both material and non-material things? Think back to specific incidents that you remember, as well as general household rules. If possible, ask your parents the same question you asked me.

However, I do understand your fear, as the world in which children are now living is quite different than the one in which you were raised. Advertisements bombard us from new directions every day, overworked parents are driven by guilt to replace attention with material goods, and we are so worried about children’s self-esteem that we do not want them to feel excluded because they do not possess the latest gadget or piece of clothing. Here are some suggestions for how to teach your child about the value of money:

• 
  

  Explain the concept of money as early as possible. Take your child to the store, and let him see you comparing prices on items. Read the newspaper together to find the store with sale items. Explain how many hours of work it would take for you or your partner to purchase what you need.

  
  


• 
  

  Do not feel guilty about saying no. Your job is to provide the basics of shelter, food, basic clothing, protection, and love. The latest designer attire and tech gadgets are privileges to be earned, not rights and necessities. Remember that your goal is to teach your child to be self-sufficient, responsible, and carry on the values that are important to you. Keep this goal in mind when your child tells you about all of the things his friends have that he doesn’t.

  
  


• 
  

  Let your child see you budgeting money and paying bills. Have her help you with easy tasks, such as filing bills by due date or using the calculator to help you balance the checkbook. If you carry a balance on your credit card, show her how the interest rate adds to the monthly amount.

  
  


• 
  

  Show your child how getting her allowance is connected to being a contributing member of the family. Discuss what chores are required, and keep track of them on a weekly basis. Do not give in and give the (entire) allowance anyway if the chores are not completed.

  
  


• 
  

  As your child ages, increasingly require him to pay for expenses, such as entertainment and certain items of clothing. Offer to help create a budget or savings plan.

  
  


• 
  

  Start a savings account when your child is about nine or ten years old. Talk about the concept of interest. Encourage your child to save a dollar amount or percentage of his allowance or earnings. When your child is in 9^th or 10^th grade, he should be able to manage a checking account and a credit card with a low limit. Help him understand the monthly statements. Have him pay the credit card bills from his checking account.

  
  


• 
  

  If your child wants an item that you find to be extraordinarily expensive, offer to pay the amount you consider practical, and require her to raise the difference.

  
  


• 
  

  For younger kids, play board games that involve managing money. Older kids often enjoy stock market simulation games.

  
  


• 
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Help your child take off the blinders of just seeing those who have more. Participate in volunteer work as a family. Encourage your child to donate a portion of birthday gifts to a homeless shelter, or a percentage of his allowance to the charity of his choice.

  
  


• 
  

  Spend time as a family doing things that do not require money, such as taking a walk together or going to the library.

  
  


• 
  

  Model the values you want to see in your child. Watch your own language and behavior regarding money and material goods.

  
  


• 
  

  Be aware of the consumer culture in which we live, and pass this awareness on to your child. Talk about how advertisers try to manipulate us into believing that we need their product in order to feel good about ourselves. Play the game of spotting product placement in movies and television shows.

  
  

Our dog is eleven years old and has been quite ill lately. The vet recently told us that we should begin to prepare for his death. We have three children under the age of 12. How can we help them through this time? From Elizabeth, New York

Having a pet is a wonderful experience for a child. Pets provide unconditional love, require a sense of responsibility, and offer us countless moments of joy and laughter. The one major problem with pets is that we become so attached to something that has a relatively short life expectancy. However, you can use a very sad time for your family as a learning experience – this is a time to teach your child how to understand and think about death, and how to cope with negative emotions. The death of a pet is often a child’s first experience with death, so helping your child process his feelings is a very important first step to helping him deal with the inevitable encounters he will face in the future. Here are some suggestions that can help you deal with the death of a beloved pet:

• 
  

  Ongoing, honest discussions are crucial. Be clear about what is going to happen or what has happened. Use the actual words, “death” and “dying” to help your child learn about these concepts. Do not say that the animal went to sleep, as this can lead to confusion and fear about going to bed at night. Do not say that the pet ran away or that you gave him away to a good home, as this can lead to a sense of betrayal if and when your child finds out the truth.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Tell your child what happens as living things age, and be specific about what is wrong with your dog. Answer all questions honestly and concretely, with a level of details that is age-appropriate.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Explain that everyone handles death in his or her own way, and it is okay to cry, but it is also okay if you don’t feel like crying. Understand that each of your children will cope with the death differently. The younger ones will probably handle it better, since their understanding of the concept of death is limited. The older kids may have more abstract questions about life and death, so use this opportunity to enter into a good discussion on this topic. Share your own beliefs about death, and ask your child to talk about hers.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Have a ceremony to help provide closure. You can have an actual funeral with a burial, or just a gathering of the family. Make it special and unique to your pet. You can each tell a story about the pet, play a song, bury his favorite toys, plant a tree, or take a family stroll along the path where you used to walk your dog. Have a family meeting to plan the ceremony, and make sure everyone has a part.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Help your child express his feelings. Encourage him to sit down and write a story or poem, do a collage of photos of the pet, or draw a picture. You can make this a family activity, and have everyone share what he or she came up with.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  If you are sad and miss the pet, let your children know. It is okay for your children to see you grieving, as long as you are handling your emotions in a way that is not scary to them.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Ask your local librarian for good books about pet death that are age appropriate. Read these books together, and ask your child how he thinks the main character is feeling. How does that compare to how he is feeling?

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Encourage your kids to do something in the pet’s honor, such as collecting pet food for elderly pet owners or raising money for an animal shelter. Your local shelter and pet food stores should have information about ways to volunteer that involve helping animals.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Do not replace the pet immediately. Wait a few weeks to give your family a chance to mourn the loss.

  
  

   

  
  


• 
  

  Make sure to monitor and check in with your child over the next few months. Consult a professional if you are concerned about signs of depression and/or anxiety.

  
  

   

  
  

Our daughter has an eating disorder. When she sees foods she sees calories. She is now a freshman in college. Her disorder is so severe at times that the doctors are stating that she is damaging her organs. We have met with doctors and psychologist but nothing works. Do you have any advice? From Debra R., Miami, FL

The freshman year of college is a time when we see a peak in eating disorders in girls. Common triggers for eating disorders include stressful life events, such as leaving home for the first time. Combine this stress with the worry about the “Freshman 15” weight gain and close living quarters that more easily facilitate physical comparisons, and the result can be an increased vulnerability to eating problems.

You have already consulted doctors, so take their concerns seriously – if her disorder is so severe that she is damaging her organs, she may be in need of hospitalization. Remember, a college freshman is not yet an adult. You are the parent, and you have the power to say that she may not return to school until her eating patterns are healthy and/or she is involved in a counseling program. Take some time to investigate which programs are available through her school, or what nearby off-campus services are covered by your insurance. She may be angry with you in the short-term, but your priority is her health and safety.

Here are some things that parents can do to help a child who shows signs of an eating disorder:

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  Most importantly: If you believe your child has an eating disorder, consult a physician or psychologist. Keep a record of what behaviors worry you and share them with the doctor. Write up a list of any questions that you have and be sure to get answers to all of them. Get immediate help if your child is at a dangerously low weight.

  
  


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  Be aware of other common triggers besides stressful life events, such as being teased about weight, the break-up of a relationship, serious conflict in the family, and depressed mood.

  
  


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  Girls who have eating disorders are often perfectionists and high-achievers, but their self-esteem is largely based on weight and the shape of their body. Weight loss is seen as a sign of self-discipline and self-control. Help your child break away from this way of thinking and maintain a constant focus on how proud you are of your child’s achievements, not what she looks like.

  
  


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  Find out what your child talks about with her friends. Try to steer her away from friends who engage in “fat chat” – conversations that only revolve around being fat and competition over weight loss. Don’t restrict her friendships, except in extreme cases, but let her know about your concerns.

  
  


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  If you notice signs of disordered eating, calmly point out to your child exactly what behaviors worry you and why. If she expresses concern about her weight, offer to find a nutritionist or fitness trainer who can help her make healthy choices and not engage in extreme dieting/exercise behaviors.

  
  


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  Take her worries about her body seriously. Listen without judgment. Ask what you can do to help her feel better about herself.

  
  


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  Examine your own behavior, and that of others in your family. Are you always on a diet? Fearful of missing a day of exercise? Punishing yourself for eating “evil” foods? Quick to make fun of those who are overweight? Worshipping thin celebrities? If you need to make some changes, tell your daughter why you are making them, and then follow through!

  
  


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  Avoid making comments about weight to anyone, not just your child.

  
  


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  Focus on your child’s health, not weight. You are concerned about a healthy heart and strong bones, not what size jeans she can fit into.

  
  


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  Be supportive of your child. Eating disorders can emerge as a way to exert control when anxious or stressed. Ask your child what you can do to ease her stress or help her feel calm. Make sure she knows you are always there to help her and take care of her. Give lots of positive attention. Avoid criticism as much as possible.

  
  


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  Talk to a counselor yourself to deal with issues such as your own weight or how to communicate with your child.

  
  

In the previous column, I discussed helping your child deal with minor anxiety. Stress is understandable. Our lives can be overwhelmingly busy, and we seem to keep on adding activities into the schedule. Plus the pressure to excel, not just in academics, but in multiple arenas, start at increasingly younger ages, and as you know it never stops! You can help your child, and yourself, if you learn how to bring yourself into a calmer state.

It is important to try to keep outside sources of stress to a minimum, but it is also wise to give your child the tools to manage stress when it does arise, since arise it will! One way to help children learn how to manage anxiety and stress is to teach them some simple techniques for relaxation. Practice these activities together – you will be modeling healthy behavior for your child, as well as forcing yourself to take some much-needed relaxation time!

Make sure to begin in a space where you will not be subject to distractions. Close the doors and turn off the phone. This behavior will also show your child that she has your undivided attention. You may want to dim the lights, light a candle, and/or play some soft music. You can use any of the following ideas, or work with your child to create your own activities.

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  Cooking Spaghetti: Make your body as stiff and straight as uncooked spaghetti. Tense up every single muscle in your body. You can take turns naming different body parts to make sure each part is as tight as possible. Then imagine you are slowly sliding into the warm water. Feel yourself loosen up and become as limp as possible. Repeat a few times. This is a particularly good exercise to do in bed to help children fall asleep.

  
  


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  Windy Work: Imagine you are the wind. It is a beautiful, sunny day. Feel the warmth of the sun as it touches your skin. You see a small boat in the ocean, and you need to help the sailors get to shore. Take a deep breath, and slowly let it out, picturing yourself gently blowing it into the sails of the boat. Repeat a few more times, until you can picture the boat safely reaching the shore.

  
  


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  Instant Vacation: Close your eyes and think of the place where you feel the most relaxed and comfortable. Take a few deep breaths, and let each breath transport you to this place. In soft, slow voices, describe your places to each other in great detail, making sure to tell what you see, feel, hear, taste, and smell. Take a few minutes of silence to enjoy what is going on during your mini-vacation.

  
  


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  Cat Nap: Curl up on the floor or couch, and imagine you are a cat waking up from a nap. Slowly stretch out each part of your body, yawn, purr, and meow. Imagine a friendly human is softly petting your head. Move to another area of the room and repeat.

  
  

Ask your child how he feels when you are done. Tell him that you will be happy to do these exercises with him whenever he needs to relax, but if you are not available, he can try them his own. Set aside at least 1-2 times per week to practice these exercises together for the first few weeks.

There are other ways that your child can use to comfort herself in times of stress. Help her brainstorm some ideas, and check in with her when you notice worried behavior to see if she has used any of them. Some ideas to start with are:

• Listening to a favorite song.

• Playing with animals.

• Taking a walk.

• Repeating an inspiring word or phrase.

• Counting to fifty and taking a deep breath for every number.

• Drawing a picture.

• Taking a bath.

My daughter is in 5^th grade. I have noticed that lately she seems to be getting anxious and worried about minor things. It is not a major problem, but I don’t want it to get worse. What can I do to help her? From, Cynthia G., Arizona.

As children grow and develop, their new abilities help them do higher levels of academic work, engage in social relations in a more meaningful way, and plan for the future. All of these skills require a new type of thinking that includes generating possibilities and predicting consequences. It is often called “if-then” thinking because we think about all of the “ifs” that could happen, followed by what would we would do “then.” It is the type of thinking that helps us make good decisions on a daily basis; it is also the type of thinking that keeps us up at night worrying about what would happen if [fill in your favorite worry here!]… This way of thinking is quite new to 5^th graders, who are just embarking on their journey through adolescent development, and do not have the experience or thoroughly developed problem solving skills to deal with all of the “ifs” in their lives. Therefore, they might begin to worry about new issues that never seemed to bother them before.

Here are some ideas to think about if you notice minor anxiety in your child:

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  Take note of what days, times, and situations seem to prompt anxiety in your daughter. Sit down with her during a quiet time of day, and tell her what you noticed. Include specific examples, such as times when she seemed anxious, what she said, and what physical signs you saw. Tell her that you are available to talk about what is making her worried, and will help her in any way you can. You may need to prompt her, such as asking if there is something going on at school that is making her nervous. Make sure to let her know that there is no problem too silly to talk about or too big that you can’t handle.

  
  


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  Have there been any major changes in your/your child’s life lately? Think about what would constitute a major change for a child, such as a friend moving out of town, a teacher going on maternity leave, or even a different work schedule for you or your partner. Talk to your child about these changes. Tell her that it is your job to keep her safe, and ask her if there is anything you can do to make her feel safer. Make sure to establish, or re-establish a predictable routine in your daily life, as routines help cut down on anxiety.

  
  


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  Has your child been subject to any new type of pressure lately? For example, 5^th grade is the time when teachers prepare children for middle school, emphasizing new ways of structuring school work so students will be ready for future demands. They may be constantly reminding the children that they need to be more competitive and work at a higher level. Is this focus on the future worrying your child? Reassure her that you will be proud of her if she does her best work, no matter what grade she receives. Offer to help her study or get organized. Take a look at sources of pressure in the activities that she participates in, such as sports or music, and see what you can do to help her alleviate anxiety.

  
  


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  Look at your own behavior. Have you been worried or stressed out lately? How does that manifest in your words or actions? How might your child be picking up on your anxiety? Instead of trying to hide your own stress from your child, talk to her about it. Explain to her that you have been feeling stressed out or worried lately, and tell her the steps you are going to take to calm yourself. Remember to use this discussion as a way to help your child learn how to handle problems, not as a way for you to unload your own – share only what you think she can handle and relate to (such as, “I have a big project to do at work that I don’t know if I can get done in time”), and take care not to tell her anything that will add to her own anxiety.

  
  


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  Try to look at things from her point of view. What may seem minor to you may be a major problem for a 4^th grader, given her limited experience and developmental abilities. Imagine how you would feel if someone dismissed your worries. Help her process what is bothering her. If she likes to write or do art, use these media to help her express herself. Brainstorm solutions regarding how to ease her worries.

  
  


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  If the anxiety seems overly severe, causes a major disruption in her life (such as not sleeping, not eating, refusing to go to school), and/or does not seem to improve after a few weeks, consult your pediatrician or a psychologist.

  
  

I am concerned about my son’s reading ability. My daughter carries a book around everywhere she goes, but my son always says he hates reading. He is very smart, but I am afraid that his distaste for reading will hurt him as he goes through school. Am I worrying too much? Is there anything I can do? From, Eileen C., Pittsburgh, PA

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Reading is an important skill that is necessary for school success. Reading is not limited to just English and history classes, but is also required for understanding word problems in math and lab directions in science. The earlier you can instill a love of reading, the better off your child will be.

Sometimes we encourage different interests in sons than in daughters without even realizing it. Boys are often channeled into play that is more active, while girls are reinforced for less physical behavior; some boys may see reading as being too feminine. We also have to keep in mind the kind of books that boys are offered. In many cases, women run boys’ worlds – the primary caregiver is often mom, and teachers in the younger grades are usually female. Therefore, the books they choose may not appeal to boys. Imagine how hard it is for you to get into a book where you cannot identify with the main character’s experience at all!

Here are some suggestions for building boys’ interest and strength in reading:

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  Make books, newspapers, and magazines accessible in your home. Ask your child what type of reading he would be interested in. Visit the library or bookstore and let your child pick out whatever he wants (with age-appropriate subject matter, of course), even if it would not be your choice. Do not put down his selection if it seems too easy or too hard for him. Let him give it a try.

  
  


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  Reading does not have to just be about novels, especially when you are starting out. Support reading of comic books, joke books, and books based on motion pictures. Once your son feels comfortable reading these, you can slowly expose him to other types of books.

  
  


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  Once a variety of reading materials are available, back off for a while. Do not nag about reading or draw attention to it. In addition, make sure you are not labeling or comparing your children in this area.

  
  


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  Read aloud to your son. Pick a book together and read one chapter per night to him before he goes to bed.

  
  


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  Lead by example. Make sure your son has role models who read, particularly male role models. Kids are always watching adults to find out what “normal” behavior is. Make reading normal in your house. Remind yourself turn off the television and pick up a book instead.

  
  


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  You may want to set aside some family reading time each day or each week, where everyone in the house gets together to read his or her choice of material. You can make it a ritual, with special food and drinks.

  
  


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  Ask for recommendations from other boys and men. What do they like to read? Talk to librarians for their suggestions.

  
  


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  Give books and magazine subscriptions as presents. If you are giving him a hockey jersey for his birthday, include a hockey player’s biography or a subscription to a sports magazine.

  
  


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  Use books on tape or CD to get your son interested in the storytelling aspect of books. Most libraries have a good collection of audio books, and many books are available to download onto your computer or Ipod. Listen together in the car or at bedtime. Stop the recording at each chapter to discuss what you heard.

  
  


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  Find websites that your son can read online, such as kids’ news sites or pages that deal with an area of interest for your child.

  
  


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  Get him involved in activities that involve reading, such as volunteering to read to younger children or helping to read the directions for cooking or putting together a new household object.

  
  


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  Make sure your son has the basic skills necessary for reading and does not have any type of learning disability. We all tend to stick with activities that we are good at and avoid those that make us look stupid or weak. Consult with your son’s teacher to see if she has noticed any problems, and find out what your options are if your son needs remediation.

  
  

I just found out that I am pregnant with my second child. I am worried as to how my five-year old is going to handle this. In addition to being an only child so far, he is also the only grandchild in the family, so he is used to getting quite a bit of attention! What can I do to make this easier on all of us?

---Brenda C., Seattle, Washington.

It is quite easy to understand the difficulty of transitioning from being an only child to an older sibling. All of a sudden, your son will go from being the family celebrity, (complete with paparazzi!) to having to wait for you to finish changing the new baby. Imagine how you would feel if someone who lavished attention upon you for five years suddenly had a new source of interest and excitement – you would probably react with sadness, anger, and some degree of attention-seeking behavior. Even children who are normally quite easygoing may have trouble adjusting to the change. However, there are some things that you can do that will minimize the problems that often occur when a new baby make an appearance:

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  Make sure your son feels like he is part of the entire process from the very beginning. Explain that there is a baby growing inside mommy – have him notice the changes as your belly grows, and discuss why these changes are happening. Watch videos or read books about pregnancy and babies. You can work together to do art projects or write stories about how the baby is developing, or have him mark off days on the calendar in a countdown for when the baby will arrive.

  
  


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  Talk often about what it will be like when the baby comes, putting a positive spin on as much as you can, but be honest and realistic. Never lie or make promises that you know you will not be able to keep.

  
  


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  Have your son participate as much as possible in preparing for the baby, such as helping to pick out clothes or decorations for the room. Is there anything he has that he is too old for that he wants to pass on to the baby? Do not force him to give up anything – this should be voluntary, or he will start off resentful. Allow him to change his mind before the baby is born, if he wants to.

  
  


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  Create excitement about the role of a big brother. Emphasize that you will need him to be your special helper to teach the baby everything he knows. Draw, write, make a video, etc. about what he thinks the baby should know about the family and the home. When the baby comes home, make a big deal out of sharing this as a family.

  
  


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  Ask your son to help you dress or feed the baby, or push the stroller. Constantly tell him how much you need and appreciate his help. Create a ritual together, such as your son picking out the story that you will read to both him and the baby.

  
  


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  Keep changes in routine, environment, and caregivers as minimal as possible – you want your son to feel secure in the midst of this major adjustment. Do not try to introduce a new skill or behavior, such as toilet training, right before or after the birth. Give both your child and yourself some time to get used to the new situation.

  
  


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  Be prepared for problems that might arise, knowing the unique personality of your child. Two common issues are regression (acting like a baby again) and negative talk or actions towards the baby. Talk with your partner and other caregivers about how you will handle these problems. Preparation can ease some of the frustration that occurs in the moment.

  
  


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  Try to be understanding of bad behavior that seems to stem from sibling rivalry. Keep punishment minimal, especially at first – ignore negative behaviors and praise positive ones. Give lots of attention to any type of good behavior.

  
  


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  Even though you will be overwhelmed with the new addition, make sure to schedule some special alone time with your son on a consistent basis. Decide together what you will do. Give him your full attention. Have him go out with or visit grandparents/other family members, making it clear that it is a special trip only for the “big brother.”

  
  

My first child just started preschool. I find myself constantly worried about whether he is developing on schedule when it comes to his ability to think and reason. Can you give me some ideas about what to expect in the next few years? From, Judy M., Chicago

The first thing that you need to understand is that development occurs along a continuum. When you read about a specific age that a certain phenomenon is supposed to happen, keep in mind that most of the time you are reading about the average age of occurrence – most children will meet that milestone either a few months before or a few months after. In most cases, the only time that you should be concerned is when all of the other kids of a similar age have shown a particular development and your child shows no signs at all. If this situation occurs, write down your specific concerns, and visit a physician for answers to your questions. If your doctor concludes that your child is developing normally, but just a little slowly, do not push your child. Let him develop at his own pace – putting pressure on him to do something that his body or brain is not ready for can only create stress for the both of you.

Here are some common developments that tend to happen during the preschool years:

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  Preschoolers’ memory improves, but is still inconsistent. They may remember all of the names of the animals in the zoo they visited today, but forget where they put their shoes. However, they get better at remembering what they did yesterday, and can apply that memory to what they should or should not do today and tomorrow. Memory also helps them want to make their own choices. They remember what they liked having for lunch yesterday, and can ask for it again. Encourage this development by offering simple choices as often as possible.

  
  


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  They can also imitate behaviors that they have previously seen - be aware that they are always watching you, and your current behavior may very well pop up in a new situation (usually where you would least like to see it!).

  
  


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  Attention span lengthens. Children can sit and listen for an increasingly longer time. They will also work on projects or games for longer, but be aware that they may get frustrated quite easily, or merely lose interest. Help them express frustration verbally, instead of physically.

  
  


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  Because they have a better sense of time, they can make use of patience. They can understand that you will go out for ice cream after dinner, and do not continue to insist on having it right now. Help them develop their patience by not giving in to a bit of whining; on the other hand, help them develop trust in adults by always following through.

  
  


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  It is not until about the age of five that preschoolers start to understand the difference between thinking and actions, separating the reality of the outside world from what is happening in their heads. They also get increasingly better at regulating their own behavior because they can understand that what they want is not necessarily what others around them want.

  
  


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  During the later years of preschool, their thinking also becomes more logical, so fears that may have seemed irrational to adults start to fade. Around the age of six, children become very interested in the properties of the outside world, and have a better understanding of cause and effect. The word, “why?” becomes a catchphrase, so help them develop logical thinking by being patient with explanations. If you do not know the answer to their question, show them how to find out.

  
  

The best way to help your preschooler develop good reasoning and thinking skills is to expose them to a variety of experiences – take walks, visit children’s museums, and be a constant guest at your local library. Explain as much of your own thinking process that they can understand. Read to them constantly - talk about how situations in the books came about, and what the characters might be thinking. Take all questions seriously, and answer them to the best of your ability.

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  Between the ages of 1½ - 2, children should be able to name a variety of familiar objects and begin to use words more than gestures to communicate. They should be clearly using at least ten different words by this age and be able to respond to simple instructions.
  
  


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  By two, your child should be able to point to common items at your request. Children at this age can put together two-word phrases, such as “Mommy kiss.” However, they understand language at a higher level and should be able to follow more complicated sentences.
  
  


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  By 2½, children should be clearly understood almost all of the time by family members.
  
  


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  By age three, your child should be able to carry on a conversation with simple sentences, using more than one sentence at a time and following easy changes in topic. He should also be able to ask questions and understand simple answers.
  
  


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  Between the ages of 3-4, people outside of the family should have an easier time understanding your child. Common words should be pronounced in their entirety, so that you can hear the final sound. For example, cup, should always have the final p, instead of just cuh.
  
  


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  When your child is four, her speech should be clear enough that people outside the family are able to understand her. Stuttering should be rare.
  
  


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  At all ages, note if your child is consistently speaking at an inappropriate volume, tone, or pitch.
  
  

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  As your child ages, try to focus on only the most important rules. Be clear about these rules. Talk this through with your partner and other caregivers to make sure everyone is consistent with rules and consequences.
  
  


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  When a rule is broken explain exactly which rule it is, state how it has been broken and remind your child of the consequences. Follow through. 
  
  


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  Explain why you have chosen these rules. “Because I said so,” is not an effective response for dealing with teenagers. Make it clear that your job is to protect and teach. Show them how your rules accomplish these tasks.
  
  


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  Be willing to negotiate. When both you and your child are calm and open to discussion have a meeting about the rules of the house. You don’t have to give in, but show respect for him and consider his ideas. 
  
  


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  Pick your battles. Avoid criticizing your child. The teen years are a time to experiment with identity – let them pick their own clothes, hairstyle, wall posters, music, books, television, etc., unless you have a reason to protect them from a certain type of media or a revealing style of clothes. The less you criticize about the little things, the less tense your relationship will be, and the more seriously your children will take you when it comes to the big things. 
  
  


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  Model good behavior. Make sure your teen sees you following the rules of the house and of society in general. It's okay to have different rules for children and adults, but whatever the rules are, follow them! 
  
  


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  Let your child take responsibility for her actions. Don't bail her out of minor situations, such as writing a note to the teacher for an assignment she forgot to do, or giving her extra money for the weekend when she spent her allowance on clothes. Instead, offer to help her plan next time to make good decisions. 
  
  


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  Try to be as calm as possible when a rule is broken – take a few deep breaths, or tell your child that you are too angry to speak to him right now. Don't scream at, insult, or use sarcasm with your child, and then expect him to refrain from doing the same. Tell your child how his behavior makes you feel and explain the consequences.
  
  

• Level and type of aggression involved.






• Level and type of competition – for example, is the emphasis on competing with others, improving yourself, or a mixture of both? 






• Is it a team or individual sport? How much pressure is placed on the individual player?






• Body type and physical demands that are usually required.






• Time commitment – short-term and long-term. What type of participation is expected from parents, both now, and as the level increases?

My 13-year old daughter has a new habit of saying that she is going to run away every time we have a fight. Realistically, I don’t think that she is serious about this, but a small part of me is terrified that she will follow through and something awful will happen to her. What can I do to prevent this? From Tony C., Texas

Dear Tony,

Your fear is a very common one. Parents worry that they will say one thing to push their child over the edge, never to be seen again.

• Make it absolutely clear to your children that there is nothing they could do, say, or be that would make you stop loving them or cause you to kick them out of the house. Let them know that they can come to you with any problem and you will work with them to solve it.


• Really listen to your child. Turn off the television, hang up the cell phone and look your child in the eye to let her know that you think what she has to say is important. Try to see things from her point of view. Encourage two-way discussions, rather than lectures.


• Tell her that if she has trouble talking to you about something face-to-face, she can write you a note, send you an email, make you a magazine collage or draw you a picture.


• Assist your child in developing problem-solving skills. Do not give answers to problems, but rather help generate different options and discuss possible consequences. Talk about things he can do when he is feeling bad, such as listening to his favorite song or taking the dog for a walk.


• Tell your child OFTEN how much you love her and detail the ways that she makes you proud. Accept that she may roll her eyes at you or make a sarcastic comment in return, so don’t let this anger you. She WILL hear you and remember what you said.


• Be on the lookout for any good behaviors, no matter how small. Praise your child when you see these behaviors.


• Do not make “all-or-nothing” statements, such as “If you can’t live by my rules, you can find another place to live.” Explain why you have the rules in place, and be willing to adjust them as your child gets older and needs more independence.


• If you and your child seem to be fighting all the time, pick an activity that you both enjoy and make an agreement for a period of truce. Ask her what she wants you to refrain from during this time period (e.g. criticizing her hairstyle and clothes) and vice versa. Follow through.


• Sometimes the threat of running away is merely a very effective way to get a reaction from you. When your daughter threatens this, do not react with tears, threats, or dare her to follow through. Make it clear that you are angry with her for her current behavior, and she needs to accept the consequences, but you would miss her if she ran away would do whatever was necessary to find her.


• During a time when you are both calm, acknowledge that though everyone wants to escape at times, you always need to know she is safe. Make a plan together about what she will do if she needs to leave the house. You may want to establish boundaries that are physical (she will walk no further than two blocks from the house in any direction) and time-related (she will stay away for no more than 30 minutes), or make a list of family and friends’ houses that she may go to. Make it clear that if she violates the agreement without speaking with you, you will need to call the police out of concern for her safety. Follow through if this happens.

• Ensure that he or she is able to come to you with questions about alcohol and the situations that surround it without being worried about getting in trouble.  

• Make the rules that exist in your home clear, but be willing to explain WHY you feel the way you do.  

• Come up with a plan for your child to comfortably get out of situations where alcohol is involved.  

• Be realistic, and be aware that your child may still choose to drink.  Make sure he or she knows that while you strongly disapprove, and there will be consequences, you will always be there to help if a dangerous situation arises.  

The second point within your question can apply to many parenting situations that occur for children of all ages.  What do you do when other parents are making decisions that you do not agree with?  Here are a few ideas about how to deal with this kind of problem:

• Arrange a time to talk with the other parents.  Remain calm, and simply present your point of view and the basis for it.  Ask them to explain their decisions so that you can understand where they are coming from.  Listen respectfully!  You might learn something, or you might be able to teach them.  Have an open discussion without judging or making accusations.  

• If you cannot come to a resolution with the other parents, let them know in a polite manner that you respect their decision, but need to ask them to respect yours.  Your child will not be allowed to come to their house (or play/associate with their children, if the situation is severe enough).  You would appreciate it if they would let you know if your child is at their house without your permission.

• Talk with your child.  Explain why you feel strongly about your own choices.  Make it clear that you are making these choices to protect your child because you love him.  If he is old enough, ask for input about the situation, and come to a solution together – you may have to compromise a little to ensure that you are not setting up a situation where he will be sure to get in trouble.  Make it clear what the new rules are, and what the consequences will be for violating these rules.

• Follow the basic philosophy that these other parents seem to have – your number one priority is your child’s safety.  Whatever you have to do to ensure this safety, DO IT!  Do not worry about losing the parents as friends or if your child will be upset with you.  If you have a strongly held belief that concerns your child, you need to stick to it.  

The result can be an intensified insecurity that raises your daughter’s normal level of shyness.  In addition, developments in the brain allow kids to begin to take the perspective of others.  While this is an important skill, it can create an enormously high level of self-consciousness, as kids use this new ability to constantly imagine how others are evaluating them.  Even as adults, we often worry about doing or saying the wrong thing, but for middle-schoolers, it can be paralyzing. The following suggestions will help ease your daughter’s transition into both adolescence and her new social world:

• Respect your daughter’s temperament and individuality.  Do not push her to be someone she is not.  Focusing on her shyness will make her even more self-conscious, as well as make her feel as if she is letting you down.  Instead, give her positive attention for her strengths.

• Is your daughter unhappy?  Make sure you are not projecting your own experiences, desires and insecurities on to her.  Some kids are just happier doing activities alone.  As long as she has the social skills necessary to succeed in school and make a few good friends, there is nothing wrong with being introverted.

• If she is indeed unhappy, offer to help her if she wants, then drop it.  Let her know you are there for her, but allow her to come to you.  

• Ask your daughter what she thinks would help her talk to other kids.  Make a list together of specific things she can do to approach particular kids.  Encourage her to pick one thing at a time to try.  Give her lots of positive attention even if she just tries, but cannot follow through.

• Have realistic expectations that progress will likely be slow.  Don’t draw attention to her shyness, and definitely do not label her as shy.  Instead, give her attention for times when she exhibits more outgoing behavior.

• Give her small chances to practice social skills with adults, such as ordering dinner for the family in a restaurant.  

• What are her interests?  A lot of shyness results from a lack of self-confidence, so help her find activities that she enjoys and can succeed at.  It does not need to be a group activity, such as a team sport. Even more individual activities, such as art or cooking, will put her in contact with other kids her age.  

• Start small.  Encourage her to invite one person over for a special activity.

• Role-play with her.  Think about how much more confident you are when you walk into a social situation and know that you have prepared topics of conversation.  You can have fun with this – do some improvisation based on her favorite movie, book, or television characters.  Pick some good role models – either characters or people you know.  Ask her how she thinks they would handle the situation.  

• Get involved as a parent – volunteer in the school or participate in neighborhood activities so you can meet other parents and build stronger ties to the community as a family.

• Find her a high school or college aged mentor, so she can practice social skills in a safe place while interacting with someone closer to her own age.  

• Have her tutor or baby-sit younger children.  This is another chance to build self-esteem and practice social skills in a safer environment.

• Help her keep in touch with old friends via email/instant message, letters, and/or phone calls.  Again, this will make her feel more secure, help her adjust to the change, and allow her to keep practicing her social skills.

• Validate your child’s feelings.  Think about how you would feel if you had a very realistic fear and your spouse or friend told you that you were just being silly.  Encourage him to talk about exactly what is frightening him, and respond, “I understand that you’re feeling scared,” or “I know you feel very frightened right now.”  You create strength and confidence by showing your child that you respect his feelings.

• Fears arise when we are insecure and uncertain.  Limit uncertainty through routine, and constantly reassure your child that your job is to keep her safe.  Say, “I know you are scared, but mommy and daddy are here to protect you.  We will never let anyone hurt you.”  Show her what you do to protect her, such as locking the doors every night.  Ask her what else she thinks you need to do to protect her.  Take her response seriously.  Ask, “What can I do to help make you feel better?”  If he doesn’t know, offer concrete solutions, such as checking the closets with a flashlight before bed or putting a nightlight on.  

• Create a pattern or ritual for going to bed, such a reading a story, checking the closets for monsters, turning on the nightlight, and then saying “I love you and I’ll see you in the morning,” as you walk away.  Be creative and have fun with this ritual.  Make it special for your child.  Do it every night.

• Be consistent with rules about bedtime, such as what time he must go to bed or if he is allowed to sleep in your bed when he is scared.  Decide this ahead of time, and stick to it, even if he gets upset.  You may want to ease into it, such as saying, “You can sleep in my bed tonight, but starting tomorrow, you will sleep in your own bed,” or, “Tonight, we’ll leave the lights on, but tomorrow we only leave one light on, and then the next night, all lights are off.”  Remind him throughout the day what will happen that night so he is prepared.  Again, it is important to follow through!  In the mornings, be sure to tell him how brave he was and how proud you are of him for sleeping in his own bed all night.

• Pay attention to what your child is exposed to throughout the day.  What is she seeing or hearing that makes her scared?  For example, are you listening to news reports that contain violent stories while you cook dinner?  Is she watching television or movies that contain scary images (try to think about what would scare a child, not necessarily what would be scary to an adult)? What does she overhear adults talking about?  Does she have older siblings or cousins that talk about things that could potentially frighten her?  Try to control her environment until she is a bit older and better able to process fear-inducing events.

Experimenting with drinking is one way that teenagers think that they can assert their independence from parents, gain acceptance from friends, and feel like an adult, rather than a child.  Many studies done by psychologists have shown that adolescents who experiment with alcohol in small amounts are just as well-adjusted and socially skilled, if not more so, than adolescents who completely abstain.  However, teens do not yet have fully developed adult brains to assist them with impulse control and decision-making.  Often, their decisions are based on what they value in the short-term, such as approval from friends.  They don’t always consider potential long-term consequences.  

The reality is that most teens are going to experiment with drinking; the important thing is to accept this reality and give your child the skills to handle a situation in which alcohol is present.  You want your son to develop good decision-making abilities that he can use in a variety of situations.  Here are some ideas that may help:

• Use this opportunity to build trust and open the door to healthy communication.  At a time when your own emotions are under control and you feel that you can have a calm, rational conversation, explain your concerns.  Don’t accuse him.  Instead, say something along the lines of, “I heard that some kids at your school have been drinking.  I am worried about your safety.  Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”  Tell him that you will not get mad if he is honest with you.  Follow through with this promise.


• Make it clear to your child why you do not approve of his drinking.  Be honest about your some of your own experiences, mistakes, and consequences.  


• Educate your child about the reasons that people drink.  Talk to him about drinking in moderation and about what could happen if he is caught with alcohol as a minor.  Discuss why he wants to drink.  The key word here is “discuss” – make sure this a two-way conversation, instead of a lecture. Talk about ways that he can avoid drinking.  Or if you decide that experimenting is okay, talk about what an appropriate amount is, and how to avoid overdoing it.


• Think about how you want your child to behave when he is away from you – both now and in the future.  Laying down strict, absolute rules and severely punishing your child for using alcohol, especially in an environment where it is common, can have the opposite effect from what you intend – he will very likely continue to drink, but just try to hide it from you.  It is better to let him know that you are there to help him make good choices that will keep him safe.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Tell your son that if there is ever a time that he is with friends who are drinking, even if he is drinking, that he can call you for a ride or for help with a medical emergency, no matter what time of night it is.  Tell him that he will not be punished for doing this.  Keep your word.  You can tell him later that you did not approve of his behavior, but that you are extremely proud of his good decision to call for help.   















 

• Make it clear that you understand his anger with you, but that you do not want your children to feel caught in the middle, or think that there is something wrong with them because you are their mother.  You may say to him, “If you are mad at me, tell me, or another adult, but please make an attempt not to hurt the children.”  Agree that you will make the same effort, and stick to it!  If the children are old enough, ask them to remind both of you not to speak negatively of the other parent.  Respect and thank them when they do so.

• Ask for his input, and consider it objectively.  Implement some of his suggestions.

• Marriage counseling is not just for married people.  It can be helpful to see a counselor or mediator for a few sessions after a divorce.  You can both express your negative feelings in front of a neutral third party who can assist you in finding strategies for helping your children through this difficult time.

• The children need constant reassurance that both parents still love them and just can’t live together.  You both need to make it clear to the children that the divorce is not their fault, and that neither of you regret being married because the union produced such wonderful children.

• It is quite possible that your former husband will not be willing to work with you at this time.  Let him know that if he is ever ready, you will be happy to talk.  In the meantime, follow these guidelines: Resist the temptation to make negative comments about him.  If your children ask you about specific incidents, keep your responses short and refrain from getting defensive.  You may say, “I can understand that he is very angry with me, but I will always love you, and nothing can change that.”  

• Let the majority of your own anger/sadness out with another adult or therapist.  It is quite acceptable and healthy to show your children that this is hard for you, and even to let them see you cry once in a while, but make sure to get across the conviction that you’ll get through it, and that you, as the parent, will always take care of them.

• Establish good communication with your kids – make sure they are able to express their feelings without worrying about your reactions.  Read books or watch movies about divorce to start the conversation.

• The old cliché is absolutely true: your actions speak louder than words.  Don’t try to convince your children that their father is wrong about you.  Demonstrate it over time.  BE CONSISTENT– don’t change your routine, don’t compete with him, don’t change your way of disciplining them, and don’t try to buy their love.  Limits and routines provide security for children, which is especially necessary during a time of change.

My 8-year-old son is extremely competitive and in my opinion, places too much emphasis on winning. If he does not win, he will pitch a fit, cry, or get really angry. Clearly, there will be times in life when he cannot "win,” and I want him to accept that. How can I help him with this?

From Holley in Atlanta, Georgia.

We place a lot of emphasis on competition and winning in our culture, and children pick up on this quite early. Competition surrounds kids from a very young age. You may have very mixed feelings about wanting to both encourage and discourage this tendency in your son, since a certain level of competition can be healthy and motivating. However, you do want to teach him both to be a gracious winner and to cope with losing. Here are some strategies that can help:

• You are the number one model for your child’s behavior. Assess your own personality, your activities, your friendships, and your business relations – what does your son see and hear about competition from you and the other adults in his life? How do you handle winning and losing? Keep a record of your own behavior or ask close friends for their opinions.


• What about his siblings – are they competitive? How do they handle winning and losing? Do you compare them to each other? 


• Learn more about your son’s school – is it focused on comparing students or on everyone doing his best to learn? Get a sense of the overall school climate and that of his individual classroom. Research has shown that kids learn better in schools and classrooms that are more cooperative than competitive. Approach teachers and administrators with specific concerns. Ask for their opinions, advice, and help.


• Is your son involved in sports? What are the coaches, kids, and other parents like? Do they emphasize winning at all costs over sportsmanship? If so, perhaps you need to find another sport or team with a different philosophy.


• Look at your child’s media influences. What TV shows is he watching? What video games does he play? What messages are being sent about competition? Encourage him to play games that focus on improving oneself rather than beating others, such as chess or other strategy games.


• Work on role modeling. Play games with him where sometimes you win and sometimes he does. When he wins, model good sportsmanship and compliment him on specific strategies, not the fact that he won. When you win, model humility and encourage him to end the game with grace. Ask him what he learned and what he will do differently next time. If he gets angry, do not reinforce this behavior. Help him understand how his actions make the other person feel. Tell him that you are sorry he is upset and it makes you sad to see him act this way. Then walk away. 


• Look for activities that make him feel good about doing things for other people – build compassion and empathy through volunteering, especially through activities that involve working with others. He can play sports with kids with handicaps, visit senior citizens and play card games, work on a team to feed the homeless, or help out wherever there’s a need.


• Find a sport, hobby, or activity that he can do (or even better, that you can do together) where there is no winner or loser.


• Have him focus on improving his skills and beating himself, not others.


• Be careful that your love and attention is not tied to his wins or losses. Focus on specific achievements or behaviors, rather than winning or losing.