Tough Times At The Doctor's Office
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Dr. Medoff,
I always worry about taking my son to the doctor, and I think this worry rubs off on my son because he gets so hysterical. We have such a tough time just getting to the appointment, and then I feel like it is so chaotic that I forgot to ask a certain question or I can’t remember something the doctor recommended. Can you help me with this problem? From, Adelaide
Dear Adelaide,
You and your child are definitely not alone. Most people are nervous about going to the doctor, and this anxiety is infinitely multiplied when it comes to taking your child to the doctor. However, there are many times during your life as a parent when you need to be reminded that children pick up on everything they see and hear, and this is one of those times.
Children learn about what to be afraid of from their parents, both from explicit messages about what to stay away from, and from observing what scares the adults. Some of these lessons are good ones – it’s pretty healthy to be afraid of hot stoves or snarling dogs. However, some of lessons of fear that parents pass on to children are not so healthy – like the fear of going to the doctor.
Even if you try to cover it up, your child can sense your anxiety about going to the doctor. So the first thing that you need to do is make sure that you calm yourself down before you even approach your son about going to the appointment. Take some deep breaths, and address any fears that are running through your head. Then try some of the following tips:
- Don’t give your child a lot of time to dwell on going to the doctor. Tell him a few hours ahead of time, so he doesn’t feel surprised, but don’t drag it out over many days. It is very important to be honest at this point, such as not promising that there won’t be any shots.
- Tell your child what to expect. Describe what might happen, such as saying, “The doctor will look in your ears and listen to your heart with a tool called a stethoscope.” You can even call the nurse for details about what to expect. Be positive, such as saying, “It’s really neat that the doctor can hear your heart beating and see how healthy you are.”
- Let him talk about his fears, and don’t tell him that he shouldn’t be afraid. Instead, reassure him that you will be there the entire time, and that you know he is brave enough to go to the doctor even if is he scared.
- Plan for plenty of time before the appointment to get ready and get your child in the car. How much time do you think you need? Okay, now double that. This strategy will cut down on your frustration and anxiety. You don’t want your child to associate going to the doctor with you being angry and upset with him.
- Don’t negotiate with your child. Be sympathetic, but firm – “I do understand that you really don’t want to go, but you don’t have a choice right now.”
- Don’t set your child up for failure by offering rewards, such as, “I’ll buy you a video game if you don’t scream while you’re in the doctor’s office.” Instead, plan something fun to do after the appointment, so you can remind him throughout the day of what he has to look forward to.
- Do activities in between visits that make the doctor seem less mysterious. Read books about going to the doctor, and talk about how the characters handle their fears. Purchase play doctor’s equipment and let your child examine you. Have him tell his stuffed animals how to handle their fears about going to the doctor.
- Leave any siblings at home, unless they are older siblings who have a calming influence on your child. If you have to bring them, bring books and games to distract them so you can give your total attention to the child being seen by the doctor.
- Write down a list of questions ahead of time. Leave space on the paper for answers. Take the pad of paper and a pen, and have them in a handy place when you get to the office. If the doctor does not have time to answer them at that point, ask for another appointment or a good time to speak on the phone. Leave space at the bottom of the sheet to write down instructions that your doctor gives you. Repeat the instructions as you write to make sure you understand them as the doctor has given them to you.
- Ask yourself if there is something about this particular doctor that makes you or your child uncomfortable. If so, find another doctor. Ask friends and other medical professionals for recommendations. The time you invest in finding the right doctor for your child will certainly pay off over the next few years.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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