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glamourgirl31sc
glamourgirl... asks:
Q:

What do I do about my 13 year old daughter dating a 17 year old boy?

i have a 13 year old daughter who is getting ready to turn 14 in nov and she has this boyfriend who is 17 and i dont approve of this. i have made her break up with him stop calling texting and seeing him. at this point she HATES me she dont love me and im scared she might run away or even hurt herslef what should i do?
In Topics: Teen sexuality and dating
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
Mar 30, 2009
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What the Expert Says:

There is a big difference in the physical and social maturity of a 13 and a 17 yr. old.  I agree that you have reason to be concerned about your daughter engaging in a relationship with someone older than tthem especially at that age.  If you don't approve, you need to sit down and talk to her about the reasons why.  Make sure your voice tone is calm and non-accusatory.  Let her know that you're not mad at her, but are only concerned about her well-being and want to teach her what a healthy and appropriate relationship looks like.  Some excellent books to help you with that conversation can be found on the boys town press dept. website at www.boystownpress.com.  The book "Boundaries" is a great one to teach your daughter about appropriate relationships.  Another wonderful book for your daughter to read that may help explain to her about relationships is called "What's Right For Me? Making Good Choices in Relationships."  They are both excellent reference books for you and your daughter.  

It's natural that your daughter would be angry at you.  It's easy for teens to get blinded by what they think is love and feel like their life is over if that love ends.  I know it must be difficult for you right now to take the brunt of your daughter's anger.  It certainly doesn't feel good.  Know that in the long run she will understand why you made the choices you did and she will be greatful for your protection.  

Stay firm with your decision and be available for her to talk about her feelings with you when she calms down. You mentioned that you're afraid she will run away or try to hurt herself.  Has she done this in the past?  If she has a pattern of dealing with her feelings this way it's important that you keep a close eye on her and make an appointment for her to talk to either the school counselor or an outside therapist.  Even if she's just threatening to do these things to try to get you to reverse your decision, you need to get her help so she knows you take her threats very seriously.

As always, you can call our crisis line to talk to someone more about your daughter's situation at 1-800-448-3000.

Sincerely,
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000

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Additional Answers (46)

hanny
hanny writes:
you should try and give your daughter some space and let her carry on seeing him
> 60 days ago

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NA-NEW
NA-NEW writes:
i think that you should sit down and have a talk with both the 17 year old and your daughter to see how they really feel about each other and that should telol you wht they not breaking up with each other
> 60 days ago

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Na~Yu
Na~Yu , Caregiver writes:
I say that you SHOULD let your daughter date him. First, you should get to know the guy. Second, watch how they interact. I'm a 13 yr old myself and I've dated a 17 yr old. It's not very bad, but, I say you should and let her learn some of her own lessons. I'm just like your daughter. My grandparents made me stop seeing my bf, calling, and txting him. Just try and get to know him and then say whether or not you approve of him then.
> 60 days ago

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EDUCATIONISIMPORTANT
EDUCATIONIS... writes:
The years from 12 to 21 can be some of the most challenging and daunting for parents.  Your daughter is seeking her identity and sexuality.  She will follow your daily behavior and actions more than what you say sometimes.  As a wise person once told me, "If at age 25 they are still alive, are not addicted to drugs, are not in jail, not an alcoholic, you can still say they are a good kid, and still talk to you, then you have done a great job as a parent."
 
Communication, as stated by many others, is key.  She is looking for limits and definition and of course she will be mad at you.  Show her maturity by being rational yourself instead of erractic and emotional.  Do not be judgemental immediately since this will cut off communication.  Use her decisions as a chance to instruct her not lecture her.  
 
This is a perfect time for you to sit down and set up guidelines for her.  Define for her how to evaluate what is a genuine relationship.  Explain that group activities and dating allows her to stay out of potentially ackward and dangerous situations.  Explain the pros and cons of becoming too serious in a relationship.  Help her understand the possible outcomes and motives of highly hormone related relationships.
 
The guidelines could be things like:  no couple only dates until age 16 when maturity and reasoning are further developed; no dates in cars with boys that are more than a year or two older than her; all dates to school activities; set limits on sexual intimacy; set curfews; etc.  Your daughter will thank you years from now for solid values and morals.
 
Talk about the peer pressures and the need to stand up to that pressure if the activity or behavior is wrong.  Make sure she understands your decisions are to keep her from situations that jepardize her safety and that will impact her life in a negative way.  Make sure she knows that many of the decisions and pressures she faces take only one mistake to alter her life course.  Let her know that only she can make the right decisions because you cannot be there with her when those critical decisions need to be made.
 
Take a look at the website for LEAPS below.  They have identified 109 social skills students must have before they graduate.  You can use the list as a discusssion starter.
 
All the best in the challenges raising a teenager will present to you
> 60 days ago

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lilmonkeymimi
lilmonkeymimi writes:
well I think that thats not that old its only 4 year older. I think u should let her talk to hem as long as he is treating her right and not leading her the wrong path.....
> 60 days ago

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jazzy1
jazzy1 writes:
i think you should talk to your daughter. don't make her stop. maybe you could have him over for dinner every once in a while. just meet him. if you make them break up, she WILL either hurt herself, run away, or become very sneaky about things.
> 60 days ago

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xemoxxlvrxx
xemoxxlvrxx writes:
ok i think its fine because i am 13 going on 14 and adore a 17 year old. He is nice and dont do anything wrong.He always sticks up for me and protects me and my mom says that he is a good friend.
> 60 days ago

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barbie951
barbie951 writes:
the best thing u can do is talk to her about how hes just gonna use and abuse her and let her now that u love her  and care about her thats why you are telling her this then just let her date the boy she'll find out that u were right and she should have listened
> 60 days ago

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Sweatpea
Sweatpea writes:
There are a few things you can do. If you haven't told her about sex (which would be strange since she's almost 14), you need to sit her down and tell all the ins and out of sex. Then explain to her that sex was created as a bond between husband and wife, to eternally bond them physically and spiritually. Once you do this, now take her to the health clinic and ask for the video of all the STD's out there and make sure there are graphic pictures of these. Next, be sure to explain that contrary to popular belief, a condom will not stop any STD, it's molecular holes are bigger than the molecular structure of many STDs. James Dobson (Focus on the Family) has some literature on this that is way more scientific than I can put down. I included the link to the website's "talking to tweens about love sex and relationships". This should help a little. If nothing else give you ideas. Good luck. Just to tell you, your daughter is following in my footsteps, only I was 14 and he was 18. My mom sent me to a wilderness camp and in hindsight, this probably saved my life. I did end up pregnant by him, but by then I was 18. Thank God He gave me enuf sense to finally leave him. Raising a baby alone at 18 was no joke. If she chooses to run away, like I did, she is up for alot of pain and heartache. Maybe is she knows all the ramifications of her actions, she'll think twice about subjecting herself to all of this. Instead of coming at her as a mom putting your fist down. Just this time, come to her as an adult who loves her and wants the best for her. I wish I would have been shown all the hard truths instead of the "we just don't" lecture. Kids need facts, and they need to get them all, not the rose colored glasses of family planning lies, but ALL the truth. Take her to a Crisis Pregnancy Center and let her hear all the horror stories of people who haven't and have had abortions and how that forever affected their lives. I know this was lengthy, but you struck a cord I guess...

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Mileyrox101
Mileyrox101 writes:
K thats a hard choice but i think u shuld let ur daughter date this man you never know if he could be the one my parents are 20 years difference and there so in love ur child is only 5 years differenc no big deal if hes not the one she'll dump him but you can't come between love my sis has a bf whos 6 years difference she's was dating since she was 14 and she marrying him now you never know if he culd be the one!??
> 60 days ago

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lawanz
lawanz writes:
I agree with the way your are handling the situation. She will be okay, that's what parents are for. Some are saying ignore the age difference that's true, but when she is old enough to be dating right now she should be thinking about childhood crush. A 17 year old is to much for her to handle. I say stay on top of her but always let her know you love her and you is doing this for her one day she will thank you for this. She is not missing out on nothing but heartache and pain. I ignored my parents and learned the hard way and to this day I am still dealing with it and I'm 31. There will be a 17 year old for her when it is her time!
> 60 days ago

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New'New
New'New , Student writes:
LET HER DATE HIM BEFORE IT GETS WORSE!!!!!!!! Tell her that it is ok with limits, no texting after a stan time and phone calls. Disguss this with the boy too feel him out first make suree that he really wants to be with your daughter. Before letting her do this!!!
> 60 days ago

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Freedom_Requires_Discipline
Freedom_Req... writes:
Here are some things to think about

As a male i have to say that 17 year old males that date 13 year old females have issues.

Why do you think a 17 year old would not be involved in his social circle already?  

Do you think a 13 year old is ready to hangout with 17 year olds? i dont.

If not then realize that a 17 year old male belongs to that social group because it is healthy for him.

It is healthy for a 13 year old to develop with peers of her own age also.

It is not healthy for a 17 year old to hang out with 13 year olds to frequently. Meaning- instead of others his age.

If the 17 year old male is not going to bring her (being 13) around other 17 year olds then there is a serious red flag about his personal social life.

Is your 13 year old daughter going to take more heat and peer pressure from not being excepted by 17 year old girls?

Do you really expect 17 yr old girls to view a 13 year old as an equal?

Why would a 17 year old seclude himself from his social age and backtrack?

Honestly, society itself uses ratings on games and whatnot call NC-17, because they understand the psychological and social differences between 13 and 17.

Basically put a stop to it no matter what.
> 60 days ago

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Txmadmom71
Txmadmom71 , Parent writes:
Explain as Much as you can to her That There is TOO Much of an age Differance as well as a HUGE Maturity Differance in their ages. If that doesn't work you may have to get Specific about what Boys at 17 are "Thinking about" and Probably even "EXPECTING" from their Girlfriends!  I have a Daughter who is 17 and While I am a Single mom, I got Lucky, I have a Stepdad who is HER FATHER FIGURE and He is (NOW) Retired from Law Enforcement. He sat her down at 12 (right before her 13th Birthday and Explained aboutr "Boys" and "dating" and that at around 15 to 16 (If WE are Lucky) The expectations as well as Terms "Dating" and "Going Together" and so on all Changes in Definition!
Bottom Line is: She needs to UNDERSTAND that you ARE there to PROTECT HER and WATCH OVER HER and Keep her SAFE and You can't do that if she can't/Don't Respect YOUR RULES!  In todays Society there are TOO Many Preditors wqaiting for little Girls to get their hands on them when they get MAD and think their life is UNFAIR! I hate to say it but if it comes to it.. Check her cell phone, check her Web usage ( Yes I mean LOOK at WHAT and WHO she is talking to and ABOUT! My daughter and I have an Understanding... Do NOT Give me a Reason to and I won't "Violate" your Privacy... But, if I see "Unsafe Behavior" or You making Dangerous Choices? well all bets are OFF!
Hope that Helps and Good Luck!
> 60 days ago

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andrewgraves17
andrewgrave... writes:
As a seventeen year old boy, I completely understand your reasoning in all of this. I would think the same If my son/daughter was doing the same. However, I would not try to stop it because nothing bad has happened. I know how it feels to be worried about someone, and I'm sure it is multiplied to ten because it's your daughter. But trust me, your daughter, as well as almost all teenagers, are going to find ways of dating that person and keeping in touch with them. Even if you do break them up, what is she going to do? She may date another person who also may be older than this gentleman.

The best you can do is support your daughter. Teach her about relationships,love,sex,etc. Make sure she's not having sex UNTIL 18. I know, this is all coming from a 17 year old but I go to school with people from ages 12 - 19. I know what goes on in this setting.

Your daughter shouldn't hate you for you trying to protect her. She needs to understand that, however, I must point out that it is vital to have a good relationship with your daughter. If not, she may try EVERYTHING in her power to be away from you. She could stop doing her homework, etc. Yes, she shouldn't do that, but that is what may happen

Overall, yes, be concerned. In fact, very concerned. But don't try to block anything. Nothing bad has happened. I hope the guy she is dating is just as mature as me or even more. Hopefully he's respectful. Because there are some guys who are.
> 60 days ago

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sadie1996
sadie1996 writes:
i think that ur doing the right thing...... what i would sugest is that u watch her moves at all times...and take all the sharp objects out of her room...im a 14 year old girl who me and my mom was in the same positin as u ...but eventually i moved on...and she took alll the sharp objects out of my room
> 60 days ago

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rachrocks
rachrocks writes:
Umm, as a mother to a 13 year old myself, i dont think its unreasonable to not allow this to happen, all previous comments stating let her do it, are ridiculous. ask yourself some questions:
First this 17 year old boy is most likely sexually active, dont be blind and ignorant to this. Is your 13 year old sexually active?..is that what you want your 13 yr old to be doing?..What are the boys intentions? ask him! have you met him?...you say you worried she may run away.. if she does, hunt her down and bring her back, its your job as a parent to care for her until she is of the age to leave home legely, sure she may kick scream hrow mssive wobblies and say she hates your guts..so what, tell her she is allowed to hate you, but she isnt allowed to live awa from home.. if she is that bad with wanting to run aay and you cant keep her home, get a court order to do so.. also are you aware that if by chance this girl falls pregnant then the boy in question can actually go to  jail. as she is under age. this girl needs bounderies. you cant stop her from seeing the boy at school but you can stop any other contact. pick her up from school, drop her off, if she wants to "go out with friends" screen the process, other parents, where, how many people etc, and drop her off and pick her up...its really simple. i do this with my daughter, she did question me once and asked if i dont trust her, i replye, that i do trust her, i just dont trust the situation and believe she is too young to make proper judgement. I also explain that it is for her safety, she goes shopping with her best friend, she has been to innocent kids partys, but they are supervised. when shopping , the friends mother takes them to the shops, they are to meet back at a set time and are taken home.. this allows them freedom suitable for thir age. have you spoken to your daughter bout being sexually active? and what that is...i believe if you havnt, then you'd better step on it. and include the consequences. At the end of the day this boy is nearly an adult with the thinking and judgements of an adult..your daughter is still a child, she is nieve and could unwittingly place herself in a not so good situation.
> 60 days ago

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TeenageDirtbag
TeenageDirt... writes:
Give him a chance :)

Only ask your daughter to break it up if you think he may be involved in drugs, violence or anything bad like that.
Ask them if they're planning on sexual intercourse and if your daughter gets upset about your views then tell her to at least use a minimum of two types of contraception. :)
I know exactly how she feels right now so as most of these people have said, have a talk with him and give him a chance and i am sure your daughter will appreciate it.

source: experience
Ask them if they're planning on sexual intercourse and if your daughter gets upset about your views then tell her to at least use a minimum of two types of contraception. :)
I know exactly how she feels right now so as most of these people have said, have a talk with him and give him a chance and i am sure your daughter will appreciate it.

source: experience
> 60 days ago

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heenal
heenal writes:
hi try this one
LET HER DATE HIM
good luck
heenal
> 60 days ago

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anuki10111
anuki10111 writes:
DON'T LET HER date HIM.
> 60 days ago

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