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glamourgirl31sc
glamourgirl... asks:
Q:

What do I do about my 13 year old daughter dating a 17 year old boy?

i have a 13 year old daughter who is getting ready to turn 14 in nov and she has this boyfriend who is 17 and i dont approve of this. i have made her break up with him stop calling texting and seeing him. at this point she HATES me she dont love me and im scared she might run away or even hurt herslef what should i do?
In Topics: Teen sexuality and dating
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
Mar 30, 2009
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What the Expert Says:

There is a big difference in the physical and social maturity of a 13 and a 17 yr. old.  I agree that you have reason to be concerned about your daughter engaging in a relationship with someone older than tthem especially at that age.  If you don't approve, you need to sit down and talk to her about the reasons why.  Make sure your voice tone is calm and non-accusatory.  Let her know that you're not mad at her, but are only concerned about her well-being and want to teach her what a healthy and appropriate relationship looks like.  Some excellent books to help you with that conversation can be found on the boys town press dept. website at www.boystownpress.com.  The book "Boundaries" is a great one to teach your daughter about appropriate relationships.  Another wonderful book for your daughter to read that may help explain to her about relationships is called "What's Right For Me? Making Good Choices in Relationships."  They are both excellent reference books for you and your daughter.  

It's natural that your daughter would be angry at you.  It's easy for teens to get blinded by what they think is love and feel like their life is over if that love ends.  I know it must be difficult for you right now to take the brunt of your daughter's anger.  It certainly doesn't feel good.  Know that in the long run she will understand why you made the choices you did and she will be greatful for your protection.  

Stay firm with your decision and be available for her to talk about her feelings with you when she calms down. You mentioned that you're afraid she will run away or try to hurt herself.  Has she done this in the past?  If she has a pattern of dealing with her feelings this way it's important that you keep a close eye on her and make an appointment for her to talk to either the school counselor or an outside therapist.  Even if she's just threatening to do these things to try to get you to reverse your decision, you need to get her help so she knows you take her threats very seriously.

As always, you can call our crisis line to talk to someone more about your daughter's situation at 1-800-448-3000.

Sincerely,
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000

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Additional Answers (46)

lizzy-san
lizzy-san writes:
I am 13 and I am dating a 17 year old boy.It all depends on the boy you need to meet him and see what he's like.My boyfriend is incredibly sweet and very respectful.he loves me a lot.Why dont you just ask her about him? see what he's like?
> 60 days ago

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melanie10
melanie10 writes:
My daughter is 13, her boyfriend is 17, they started secretly seeing each other when he was 16 and she was 12. I did everything I could to stop it as I did not approve. But they did everything in their power to see each other or communicate. I even grounded her, took away her phone, banned her from the laptop etc. Six months on they are still seeing each other, they were so determined to stay in touch.
The moment a parent says 'oh no your not' they will find every way to do what your trying to stop them from doing.
Last week I gave in and invited him round for dinner, it turns out he is a really lovely young lad, I gave him a lecture on  underage sex etc and made it very clear they are too young to be going down that road.I allow her to see him supervised with myself and my partner, we take them both out at the weeekend. Because of this my relationship with my daughter has greatly improved and we are getting on better than ever.
> 60 days ago

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inscriptedinurheart
inscriptedi... writes:
Okay, I normally do not care about posting but for this is felt like expressing if it is just 1 step closer. Out of all honesty I am 13 years old turning 14 as well. Now your probably thinking my intentions and reasoning are the same as your daughter. But, to counter that I am not. First off a girl her age getting a boyfriend is hard no matter what you do so if she is to call it off she will bring tremendous sadness (depending on how much he likes him), lie to you and keep dating(not common but very sad when it happens), or bring hatred and lose trust in being open to oyu about her life. From my perspective 13 to 17 is very very different ages but that does not mean people should stereotype. Maybe he can be kind I have no right to say so but if he is your daughters gf he probably is.Remember your daughter learns from you establish righ from wrong and she knows what isnt acceptable. The only thing I can say now is just be up front and say your.. srry? you might not consider this but for teens its a big step up and you see their mom as the bigger person. Just reassure your daughter knows not to have sexual relations at all, and thats pretty much it. hope i helped!
> 60 days ago

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corinabucksworth
corinabucks... writes:
spy on them and if they do sexusally stuff tell the boy 2 stay away and slap him  and  write 2 face book  and not let her date till 16
> 60 days ago

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oceansky
oceansky writes:
Likely she has a puppy-love crush that will pass as she doesn't know what love is.  However, if she is THAT interested and she feels THAT strongly, keep in mind that there may be a real reason.  Maturity isn't tied to an exact age and if she's able to feel that, she may be maturing early.  If what they feel is genuine, breaking up the love of a lifetime, completely, is a mistake she will resent you for, forever.  And if it's real, you will have not protected her from anything.  Instead you will harmed her and scarred her emotionally.   If they were truly meant to be, how could tearing them apart be good for them??

My point is, she likely has no idea what she's getting into and you're right.  But if what they have seems intense, maybe they really are in love.  If that is the case, it's a lot more work.  But perhaps you could find a way to not 100% break them apart.  If he's really interested, there would have to be a lot of strict rules and limits.  But they wouldn't mind if they were truly in love.  If they sound interested in commitment, that's worth a lot more than anything else and should be rewarded.

In less than two years.  Your daughter will be the same age my mom was when she met my dad.  They have been together 53 years.   It was obviously real love.  Had someone spit them apart, how would I write this?
> 60 days ago

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EmmaLu
EmmaLu writes:
Follow them around and see what they're doing if things get too serious then you stop them, think of something like pretend that you want to meet him and then make a fool of yourself and your daughter will be so embarrassed she'll never want to see him again.
> 60 days ago

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