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bajohnson02
bajohnson02 asks:
Q:

Do I keep my 14 y/o daughter away from 17 y/o bf after I found out they had sex, unprotected at that!

After a lot of debate within myself, I allowed my 14 y/o daughter to date 17 y/o bf. Only at my house where I knew they were supervised. After couple months they wanted to go to his parents house, I spoke with the mom and she assured me they would NEVER be outside of her sight. I trusted the mom as well as the teens. We had many discussions about personal issues and they were very cooperative & gave me their word. In a discussion w/ my daughter I found out they had been having UNPROTECTED sex. I stopped the relationship, took her cell phone. I found out they met the other morning bfore school & had sex at park across the street, unprotected. I took her to the Dr, putting her on birth control, but still not allowing her to see him. She is crying all the time, seems depressed and I dont know what to do, do I keep them apart, or allow them to see each other at MY HOUSE only? Is she going to continue to sneak and end up getting in trouble? She has been a great kid, never in trouble, is not allowed to go to parties, games for school ect.. Please help...
In Topics: Teen issues, Teen sexuality and dating
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Wayne Yankus
Sep 6, 2010
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What the Expert Says:

Dear bajohnson:

You don't owe your daughter anything.  She broke her word to you and lied. Tough love.  You will GRADUALLY return her trust when she demonstrates she is worthy.  Start by giving back the phone and monitor her texts daily. Check or delete Face Book. No phone at night in the bedroom.  Seek the other parent and ask how they feel about this behavior and discuss your concerns.  finally I would drive her to school or take the bus to avoid liaisons. Sit your daughter down and go over the new rules.  Ask your pediatrician what she thinks would be helpful if she knows your daughter.  This is a community effort to avoid pregnancy, STI's, and common sense.  The boy should also be spoken to by his parents and discuss using condoms.  Best wishes. Tell your child you accept what has happened and are behaving like a responsible parent. You have no obligation to have the boy.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics

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Additional Answers (11)

howdy
howdy writes:
Show both of them a few youtube.com videos of child birth. That will at least urge them to be protected next time.
> 60 days ago

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Iamthemother
Iamthemother writes:
First you should never allow a 14 year old to date. Dating a 17 year old is out of the question. Girls should not date until at least 16 and then only when in the company of adults. Boy's can talk girls into anything at that age. You might think they are mature but can she handle being a mother at that age. I think Not! And why risk it.  She may hate you now but if you let her know early on that YOU are the parent and set the rules early she may not test the waters. This boy need to be told that he could be arrested for rape,even if it was with her consent. She was probally coerced. Tell her that you will have him arrested and DO NOT bargain with her or him! Stand your ground you are the parent not a buddy. She will thank you when she is older and she realized what a terrible fate you spared her from.
> 60 days ago

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Marebear
Marebear , Student writes:
your daughter is how old? 14?! wow. your daughter will try to see this boy. putting her on birthcontrol is a great thing. i still wouldnt trust them though. talk to the school guidence counsler. i really hope this helps
> 60 days ago

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greatkids
greatkids writes:
This is a tough situation.  I would definately keep her on birth control and get her to a therapist right away.
> 60 days ago

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feliciaky
feliciaky writes:
it is a difficult situation but if you try to keep her away from him shes just going to hide stuff from you and sneak off to meet him without you knowing. its best to discuss the situation with her in a calm way so she can understand stand the risks shes making.
> 60 days ago

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Sanaah
Sanaah writes:
It must be really tough for her to start having sex with a guy and then lose all her privileges and ability to be with him. She is only 14 which makes it much worse. I wish the best for her and hope you see what you are denying her of during her hard but could-be great high school years.
> 60 days ago

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Karenmom
Karenmom writes:
YES, you should keep your 14 year old away from dating a 17 year old, but it's a little late for that now.  She was too young to date, at that age the body may be developed but the mind is still not mature enough to handle the complications of dating and certainly not sex.  You can't change the past, but I'm sure you realize your mistakes.  You must move forward and for starters I would sit with my daughter and have a long discussion about the responsibilities of relationships, especially sexual relationships as these are much more complicated.  Being strict now, will not fix the problem, you allowed this to happen and yet you punish her.  You must admit to your daughter that you made the mistake of allowing a child to get involved in a relationship and explain to her the consequences and how this would effect her future.  By admitting your mistakes and regaining respect hopefully you can make wiser decisions together in the future.  ?Birth Control? for a 14 year old, I believe I would teach absence instead of providing her the tool to continue her affair, besides the birth control pills will not protect her from diseases which are far worse than the conception of a child.  Please talk with your child and seek professional guidance, though it be at church, doctor or just within your own inner strength and good judgment with high morals before your 14 year old earns a poor reputation and ruins her chances for dating respectable boys later when she is ready, because with a poor reputation, nice guys won't want her by their side and she could miss the love of a lifetime.  I've seen this happen before.  Good luck and best wishes to you and your daughter!
> 60 days ago

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Gookers
Gookers writes:
Yes its hard to except but allow her to see him. If I was your 14 year old daughter I would hate you for not letting me see him or talk to him. I'd start shutting you out and our relationship wouldn't be good. I have no clue what your daughter is like and if she'd handle it the way I would. Birth control is a great idea!! you should teach her about how to put a condom on too. I know that sounds horrid and really immature but it's better than her having unprotected sex and becoming pregnant. You're doing good and acting on instinct but now think of reality and how a 14 year old mind works. If you don't let her see him she will sneak out behind your back, shut you out, and not talk to you and the problem will only get worse so allow them to see each other and hang out; just make sure its at your house and well supervised. I would also have a very, very serious conversation with this boys mother. Good luck to both you and your daughter. I really hope things turn up for her and you sooner rather than later. Be strong and talk to her. Let her know you want her to talk to you openly and that you don't want her to be scared to hold anything back from you. Be her friend but let her now you ARE the mother. If my mom would relax a bit and be a little more like a friend and not so much a dominant mother I believe our relationship wouldn't be a living hell.
> 60 days ago

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YourAdviceGuru
YourAdviceG... , Teacher, Parent writes:
First let me say that as a mother of four (three girls and one boy), I understand exactly how you are feeling and I have been where you are now. In fact, I had a very similar scenario with one of my daughters. I found evidence that indicated she might be sexually active. My first response was anger, I hit the roof. As a teen parent myself, I have always been very open with my children about my situation and tried to educate them about the consequences of sex and unprotected sex. Like you, I did not want my children to go through many of the struggles I experienced as a teen mom. After I hit the roof I became sad. I was sad that my daughter did not come to me first. I thought we had a pretty good relationship and that she felt she could come to me about anything. Then I became afraid! What if it was too late? What is she was already pregnant or had contracted an STD or something she could never get rid of? Like most parents I preach abstinence first and foremost, but I also have been a teenager with raging hormones and know some of the pressures, realities, and decisions that many teens face. I still preach abstinence, but I also preach education. I had to have that difficult conversation with my daughter and I educated her. I even took her to the doctor to discuss birth control options, side effects, and other consequences of a sexual relationship. Outside of the obvious scares of teen pregnancy and STDs I also wanted to educate her about the emotional side effects. While we all want the best for our children and do not want them to repeat our mistakes, they will make their own choices and decisions and sometimes we are not aware of them until it is too late.

I am sharing all of this to say that you have to talk with your daughter sooner rather than later to see where she is and what she is thinking. Find out what she knows about sex and where she got the condom. She may or may not have gone all the way, but the evidence proves she is at least thinking about it or has some questions about sex. She needs some guidance, information, and education. Calm down, get your head right, get your emotions in check, and have a productive and real conversation.

-Tamara, Your Advice Guru

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smart-shamim
smart-shamim , Student writes:
at first you should know that the age of 14 is too early to have a date. then let you daughter know the sex's result and show her some you tube videos about birth and let her be scared after that you may let her see the boy again at your house.
> 60 days ago

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Saburt1
Saburt1 writes:
Putting your 14 year old daughter on birth control is sending her a mixed message.  You are telling her not to have sex but sending the message it is okay as long as she has birth control.  Have you talked to her about STD's? and why we should wait until marriage to have a sexual relationship?
> 60 days ago

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