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Carebear1210
Carebear1210 asks:
Q:

My 14 year old daughter is sneaking and meeting a boy we do not approve of.  How can I keep him/her away from him/her?

My 14 year old daughter likes and has been sneaking around to see this 16 year old boy. So far, I believe they have met at the mall and I found out he saw a movie with her and her girlfriend (she said he just happened to be at the theater, I don't believe it). I won't go into detail, but I have found out that he is quite a bad influence. Since she would only tell me little about him I looked on his Facebook profile. He smokes pot, drinks, has a rocky relationship with his mom, talks very inappropriately (one of his posts said "I F*#@ed your B$#ch last night nigga". This is just one of his crude posts. He is trouble and my daughter is way too young to be involved with this kid. My question is how do I keep her away from him? She seems so smitten with him. What can I do? We've talked to her, but honestly I don't think she is listening or believes what we tell her about getting involved with the wrong people. She is not a bad girl, although this past year has been a little rocky with deception and disrespect. We have taught her good morals and provide her with a happy and secure environment. What went wrong?!
Advise please!
In Topics: Teen sexuality and dating
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Wayne Yankus
Jul 28, 2011
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What the Expert Says:

Dear Carebear:

You did nothing wrong. She is a teenager.  I would suggest taking the approach of taking her out to lunch/dinner and talking about relationships--how they work and about personal safety.  meet the boy with her. Invite him over and get to know him. If he refuses, use that as an indication for your daughter that this is not the kind of individual she should be with.  Talk to your pediatrician. She/he may suggest a visit to establish sexual safety and discuss concerns privately.  Tell her you want her passwords and you will be checking her cell, I Pad, computer etc..You are the parent and have all of our permission to behave like one. You are in charge--not her. Establish that this is for her safety. As far as sneaking out, use alarms, lock up, and let the police know if this is a chronic habit so they may check the meeting places. Let her know.  Finally discuss with her and your pediatrician drug use. It may be part of the problem. do not be afraid to confront your daughter about it eye to eye, non threatening, and keep the conversation to one topic only. One last possibility is to talk with his mother about your concerns. Let it come from both sides.

Best wishes with this all too common situation.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics

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