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Im4dsny
Im4dsny asks:
Q:

I just found out my 17 year old son is having sex with his 18 year old girlfriend.  How should I handle this?

In Topics: Teen sexuality and dating
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
May 28, 2009
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What the Expert Says:

Kat's advice was right on!  The way you react to this situation could be a crossroads for your relationship with your son.  As a teenager, he is less likely to respond favorably to you getting upset with him for having sex.  The best way to handle it is to approach him in a loving and informational way, showing concern about the potential consequence rather than "judging" him or his behavior.  

Just as Kat mentioned, your response will depend on your personal, family, and religious beliefs.  However, whatever position you choose to take, make sure you talk to him in more of a conversational way rather than condeming him for the choices he has made.  What's done is done.  Neither you nor he can go back and change the fact that he had sex.  Now is the time to educate him about what it means to make mature, adult decisions.  Give him lots of information on STD's and pregnancy.  If he acts embarassed or isn't willing to listen to you talk about such sensitive subjects, remind him that if he's not mature enough to have an adult conversation about it, that's the first sign that he shouldn't be doing it.  Also talk to him about what it means to be in a committed relationship and the emotions and consequences that come along with being in a sexual relationship.  

Ultimately the choice is up to him.  The more you arm him with information the more likely he is to make solid decisions in the future.

Good Luck!
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Additional Answers (5)

kat_eden
kat_eden , Parent writes:
Hi Im4dsny,

As a mom of two young boys (4 & 6) your question sent chills down my spine. Our children becoming sexually active is really hard for me to think about and I'm guessing that's true for most parents.

I don't think there's any right answer about how you "should" handle this news. So much of it depends on your personal set of values and beliefs. However, I do think this is a critical moment in your relationship with your son. It's a chance to either bring him closer to you or to push him away. I think it could be really great to initiate a frank and honest conversation about how you feel about his choice. Not ranting and raving, just sharing your perspective. You may even give him a glimpse of mistakes you made in this arena and how they impacted you. I guess the most important thing will be to LISTEN (not always the easiest thing for us parents to do!) to what he's thinking and feeling about the situation. Clearly at this point you can't keep him from having sex (and I'm guessing forbidding him to do it again will be 0% effective). But you can influence his behavior moving forward to help him be safe, happy, and respectful to his partner and other women. That would be a pretty amazing accomplishment!

There are lots of great articles on this site that can help guide you. I'll post below.

Good luck - I feel for you!

Kat

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Vamp_girl6
Vamp_girl6 , Student writes:
Let him do wat he wants to do... He's almost 18...
> 60 days ago

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JENNEFER98
JENNEFER98 writes:
NO DON'T JUST STAND THERE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM AND LET HIM KNOW YOU TRUST HIM IN THE GOODS AND BADS  ???
> 60 days ago

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dimand
dimand writes:
you should handle this by whipping [him] and then tell him that he is grounded.
> 60 days ago

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mel_3birds
mel_3birds writes:
It is against the law for a 18yr old who is an adult  to have sex with a legal miner.
> 60 days ago

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