It can be very hard for parents to hear their beloved children saying that they don't feel that love. But, at that instant, what she is sharing with you is her authentic emotional experience--of that moment. And it's OK for that to happen. In many ways it is a good sign that your daughter can both show, by crying, and tell you that she is feeling badly.

And, it's important to understand that children don't want to attack the parents they love. They'd much rather have fun and feel safe and relaxed. They play well and cooperate well when they feel connected.

But when children lose their sense of connection, they feel tense, frightened, or isolated. In this “emotional emergency,” they may lash out at someone close to them who they trust. Children don’t intend to be mean. In fact, acts of aggression aren't under the child's control.

Your daughter needs you to listen to how she is feeling, while continuing to prevent the hitting, until she can clear out some of the emotional "gunk" that is keeping her from being able to feel your love at that time. Some stress has gotten into her system and she needs to get it out in the form of her crying or saying harsh things before her emotional system will naturally right itself, allowing her to feel the loving connection you are right there offering to her.

We call this process "Staylistening" and you can find out how other parents use it with their kids on our website or our blog listed below.

Keep right on loving your daughter through these upsets and you will both be rewarded with a close connected relationship for a lifetime.

Juli Idleman
Hand in Hand Program Director
www.handinhandparenting.org