Hello.

I'm a gay man in my 30s now. Coming out was very difficult for me coming from a rural background in New Zealand with conservative parents.

It sounds like it will be a lot easier for your son if, as you say, you are ok with him being gay. This is great to hear as no-one has any choice in their sexuality.

My suggestion would be not to ask him. This would most likely just cause embarrassment and denial, particularly if he is still struggling with accepting it himself. I was 25 before I even accepted it myself.

The best thing for you to do is to make him well aware that you have no problem with gay people and that you consider them equal and worthy members of society. Try not to be too obvious about it! :) If he understands that you are accepting and supportive of gay people then there is a much greater chance of him coming out and telling you himself in his own good time. This would be the best result for everyone.

My own experience was to hear my parents expressing disgust every time something gay-related came on television. This was obviously not conducive to me telling them and led to many years of unhappiness. Now that I have told them they have actually turned their attitudes around and are very supportive but it took a long time. I'm always happy to hear when young people have a much easier experience.

Good luck and thanks for being so open-minded.

Andrew

I have a gay sister and a gay daughter. ABSOLUTELY talk to him about this! He's probably horrified of what you will think and probably doesn't know how to tell you, if you'll still love him, if you'll disown him, etc. If he is gay they are living with a huge burden of fear, thinking people will think less of him. If it is true that he's gay and you feel this way, you have to talk to him immediately. I just realized you posted this 2 months ago but I hope you did talk to him and that it went well. Also, let him know that God DOES still love him. So many think that God doesn't accept this. I don't believe that. God loves all his children. Good luck, you're a great parent!

Depending upon his age, use opportunities to re-affirm him and to discuss health issues related to teen sexual behavior in general.  Ask him to discuss with his pediatrician at his physical examination his personal behavior. Hopefully, in anticipatory guidance, each pediatrician would discuss safe sexual behavior--regardless of orientation--in anticipation of sexual debut or experimentation.

Also, go to a PFLAG meeting and see how other parents have handled the situation.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics

wait for him to tell you, if you try to ask him before he is ready to come out to you, he will most likely say that he is not and things will get really awkward just have patience.

Wait for him to tell you. He will be offended if you ask even if he is. Make sure he knows that you are OK with all sexualities, but DO NOT drop any hints.