What does abnormal preteen girl behavior look like? What are red flags in terms of sexual and social development for a 10 yr old only child?

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poppin8 asks:

If a 10 year old girl who has breasts displays touching and gazes into her father's eyes while caressing his face or prefers adults to groups of peers or freaks when not the center of the attention how do you handle it? How do you handle it when it feels she is copying you (the step-mom) in terms of behavior, mannerisms, looks? My 10 year old step daughter is manipulating & passive aggressive. She also will not leave her Dad alone in social situations and is constantly trying to gain his favor. Why? How do I tell him I feel uncomfortable and I don't feel it is socially acceptable for her to caress him or have him spoon her anymore in a cuddling way that resembles the way he spoons me? Am I freaking out for no reason? She has bigger breasts than me and it is disgusting to me when they greet with kisses on the lips or when she plays with his hair and gazes into his eyes and would rather hang out with him and the adults instead of her peers. THen she goes into panic attacks and can't function and is whiney and a constant shadow. She starts middle school in September! Should I be worried? Her real mom treats her like a playmate and thinks it is cute that her daughter "stinks." She is with us every other week. She is dirty and stinky on the weeks she is not with us. I have a 7 year old daughter and do not want her being influenced. What do I do? How do I tell them this is not normal behavior! PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS AND PROOF!!!

In Topics: Recommended Books, Communicating with my child (The tough talks)

> 60 days ago

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lkauffman

Feb 19, 2009

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What the Expert Says:

Dear Poppin8,

As you have already observed, this is a complex situation. As far as I am concerned, there is no easy to answer and the reality of what is "right" will vary by family. That said, I do have some thoughts on the father-daughter relationship. Within recent years, there has been an evolution of the current states of father-daughter relationships. There is greater awareness of the important role that fathers play in a girl's social and emotional developments. Many experts write about the importance of the father-daughter relationship for setting the tone for a daughter's sense of worth and value. This is true for all relationships, but the father-daughter relationship sets the foundation for future romantic relationships. That is, the girl who is the "apple of her daddy's eye", understands that she is loveable and will expect love and respect in future relationships.

In addition, as women make further progress in society, attending graduate school, playing sports, etc., fathers now have a more ways of interacting with their daughters. They can offer support and guidance around money matters, exercise, and more.

Overall, fathers are remaining much more involved in their daughter's lives throughout childhood and adolescence and this is considered positive. Traditionally, early adolescents (about age 9-12) begin to transition from focusing their interests and attention upon parents and family to a greater preoccupation with peers (see last link provided below). Thus, it is not that unusual for your daughter to continue to appreciate physical closeness and contact with her father at age 10. As you can imagine, in some families, daughters are never physically close with their fathers, and in other families, this continues throughout adulthood.

That said, you are uncomfortable and it sounds like you are trying to understand your role and position in the family and with your husband. Your feelings and views should be honored and respected, and I think that you should follow your instinct and discuss these issues with your husband. I have provided a few links on blended families. I think that you will need additional information and advice as you and your husband negotiate the blended family dynamic. What is most important is that you and your husband do your best to reach agreement and alignment on parenting issues and remain consistent. It is most ideal that your husband's ex-wife also parent from the same parenting principles. Perhaps, you can use some of the information you find on pubertal development and growth to encourage your husband's ex-wife to teach good hygiene to your step-daughter.

Clearly, there are many important issues here. I hope that other members of the community will also have good advice for you.

L. Compian, Ph.D.
Counseling Psychologist
Education.com Expert Panel

Resources:

http://www.parenting.org/archive/precious/parenting/2003/Mar03_father-daughter.asp

http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_10_Steps/

http://www.education.com/topic/integrate-blended-family/

http://www.amazon.com/What-Difference-Daddy-Makes-Indelible/dp/0785266046/ref=pd_bbs_7?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235071315&sr=8-7

http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Growth_Ages_Nine/

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Additional Answers (2)

Labello writes:

I disagree with the previous persons answer. It is inappropriate for that 10 year old to be displaying that behavior towards her father. There is a difference between father - daughter bonds and inappropriate physical contact. I am going through the same type of thing. My 8th grade step-daughter is exactly the same as your 10 year old only worse. She leaves her menstrual pads and wipes and puts the bloody toilet paper where her dad and 10 year old brother see it. It's obvious she stages it in the wastebasket. She will undress in front of her father and brother and she always wants to sleep with daddy when I'm not there. Well, daddy sleeps in his underwear so um NO. I've come home and she's dressed head to toe in my clothes. She does other things that are just disgusting. I moved out because of this kid.

> 60 days ago

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Stopcryingw... writes:

Sounds to me like your making a mountain out of a mole hill. I doubt what is going on is at all inappropriate For example as jealous as you are you would have called the police. Sounds to me like you just need to relax and try to act more mature. Remember your a adult she is a child and that is his daughter it is important for young females to have a positive male figure very important.So try to just have fun with your new family and stop being so jealous after all she is only a 10yo girl. She will stop being so needy once she gets a little older and used to the new situation ,and you will feel better once you get more used to your new life too. I hope this helps be good and god bless.

45 days ago

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