What can I do about my adult daughter's worthless boyfriend?

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walkerfmly asks:

Our 19 year old daughter (who has a 3 year old son and still lives with us) is dating a 24 year old "man" who has no job and lives with his parents. The boyfriend has had domestic charges from a previous relationship and has been to anger-management classes. He is controlling, mentally abusive and possibly physically abusive (she won't discuss bruises she has on her arms). I'm worried about her but more so about my grandson. I've seen the boyfriend go from happy to IRATE in a matter of seconds and I worry that he'll do that and harm one of them.

I would love to get rid of him completely but don't know if that's really my choice. How can I show her what a monster he is without ruining our relationship? Or is it not my place to show her?

In Topics: Friendships and peer relationships, Teen sexuality and dating

> 60 days ago

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Wayne Yankus

Dec 29, 2010

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What the Expert Says:

Dear walker family:

As grandmother, focus on your grandchild's safety. If you suspect the boyfriend is abusive in the presence of the child, call child protective services. Consult an attorney about your rights as a grandparent and mother to your daughter. Unfortunately, as long as your daughter is competent, you really can only advise her and offer your helpful suggestions. She is an adult and a mother and has rights to consent for her child. Be present and be honest with out being judgmental. You do have the right to ask her to leave your home and live on her own if this is not a good situation. Offer to baby sit your grandchild while she finds work. Seek out your local YWCA for child care options and grandparent support. Finally, you can offer counseling from a local mental health group for them as a couple or her alone. If you know his mother, engage her in the process. Good luck and best wishes.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics

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Additional Answers (2)

aqblickley writes:

Hi walkerfmly,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this very tough position. You sound like a very caring and involved parent, and you're taking a great first step by seeking help. Although some people may disagree with me, I do think that it is still your place to intervene, especially since her well-being (and the well-being of your grandson) may be at stake. Even though she is technically an adult, the bottom line is that she is still your daughter. Furthermore, since she's still living in your home, she's still dependent on you... so in my opinion, she's not granted all the privileges of being an adult.

If you suspect physical and mental abuse, I suggest you seek professional assistance. Talk to a trusted doctor or psychologist. Since I'm not an expert and I don't know your family personally, I strongly recommend that you find help outside of an online community.

Below, I'm including an article on signs of domestic (physical and emotional) abuse - it may contain some valuable information for you.

Again, I am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this tough situation. Good luck.

Alex

Resources:

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

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mjones71 writes:

I feel for you. I'm going threw the same thing. My daughter is 18 and i think her (low life) boyfriend might be hurting her. I asol have a 13year old daughter and she came crying to me saing that she thinks the boyfriend is hurting her sister. The boyfriend even got in to my 13year olds face saying nasty things to her. I went to the police and they told me there is nothing they can do. I feel so lost I dont no where to turn. How are you handling this and what steps did you take? Ill take any help i can get. She has now moved in with the boyfriend and his mother. She is just like the son. i feel hopeless

> 60 days ago

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