Huda asks:

After coming back from vacation in homecountry, my 3 yrs son is refusing home car and nursery, not listening throwing tantrums & today bit his friend.

I live & work abroad since 2 yrs with my 3 yrs son &nanny.My husband is working in another country&comes every weekend.We love our child so much &give him a lot of attention.our parenting style is a mix of permisive &democratic,not perfect, but he's peacefull ¬ agreesive,maybe also cus we do't shout at him or hit him but explain why we ask to do this &that.He's cooperative to a ceratian extent but not fully,cus we'r not strict in putting limits.anyway,he was manageable till 1 month back:Every 2 months we visit our homecountry for 10 days vacation where he enjoys familiy gatherings &most important the house with large garden where he spends most of the time playing in the soil &with cousins.when we go back abroad he usually welcomes his routine life &does't miss homecountry too much,till last vacation.When we returned this time,he is refusing our house car and nurdery saying all the time"i am sad,i do not want this house,i want homecountry house".His behavior startred to change,not listenning,throwing tantrums if i do't give or buy him what he wants,hitting his neighbor friend that he plays with everyday.I've been striving since 1 month to overcome his stress by spending more time playing with him,coming early from work,going out&making activities ALL time in weekend,buying pets but with no vain till he bite his friend today.At start i made a mistake i'm afraid it counteraffected my efforts.I said to him"if u do't want this house then i do't want homecountry house"        
In Topics: Discipline and behavior challenges
> 60 days ago



Feb 3, 2011
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What the Expert Says:

This is making me curious.  I would not use bribes but rather understanding.  
If he is reacting this much and it is not his usual behavior, you really need to assess what is happening and what needs are met there and not here so to speak.   Is he in an environment with someone who may be abusing him in someway?  
Boundaries are important and you must be consistent with what you expect and how you respond or confusion is created which leads to anxiety.  
I am just wondering what is going on that he may be reacting to in the environment he rejects.   He could be just testing limits which is a discipline issue where you need to be consistent, but make sure there is not an underlying issue.   Please do that to be sure.  Check out   The program changes lives.
Take good care,
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Additional Answers (1)

Karenmom writes:
Hi Huda,
I would take the expert's advice and make certain that your child's environment is safe that he is in with the home care, nursery, nanny or whatever else you have provided.  But, I would not take his behavior too serious, you mention that every 2 months you spend 10 days in home country house.  That is quiet often and maybe your child has grown very comfortable and in love with this environment where he can be other family members.  He may not had became as upset before as he is now, because he was younger and not as aware of his surroundings or the changes in his life and now, he is aware and just actually prefers being with family in your home country.  Not to be alarmed by that, most kids even on a yearly vacation, don't want to resume back to their routines, they had rather be back at the vacation spot, without the responsibilities and with more attention.  In this case, he travels there often and gets to get even more attention from extended family, who wouldn't want that?

Relax, he will adjust to the lifestyle that you provide, explain to him that you too love the home country house-don't use it as a threat against him, but assure him, that you too love it.  Then assure him that as you have been doing, you will continue to visit, make a calendar to count down the days until he can go again.  Give him something to look forward to, explain that you must do here, what you must do, but then you will go again to his happy place, and that he can be happy here too.  Also, I still would not over look expert advice, be certain that he is safe here and nothing is happening here to make him feel uncomfortable, and if all seems well here, then you'll know for sure that he's just a little "home sick".  Best wishes!
> 60 days ago

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