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heba
heba asks:
Q:

My daughter gets aggressive when she doesn't get what she wants.  How can I help her become a good person?

I am astonished and depressed from the attitude of my little daughter . She is stubborn , too demanding , if i did not get her what she wants she started to be aggressive. She is cadled by her grandfather and grandmother. She is doing her home work perfectly. Recently i started to hear complains from her teachers that she is beating her friends and sometimes she does not listen to her teachers instructions and when she is punished she started to cry aloud.I do not know how to deal with her in a perfect way , i am also nervous at home owing to the stress i get everyday at work. do you think this attitude is attributed to being lonely without sisters and brothers , i mean that being selfish and collecting all things of others  is due to that reason. I need your consulting and support in that to help her ealier to develop into a good and perfect student and person.

Thank you in advance
In Topics: Discipline and behavior challenges
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Wayne Yankus
Nov 7, 2008
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What the Expert Says:

Start by going to speak with her teachers.  They know the tone of the class room and ask what triggers this behavior and how do they handle the crying.  If they are intimidated by crying, you need to empower the teachers to discipline differently.  

her grand parents, I am sure, love her.  However, sit down with them and explain their coddling is not helping the situation.  They need to follow your lead on discipline at home.

Finally, don't beat yourself up for stress.  We all have it and you owe your daughter no apology.  find time together where you both can do something alone that is fun.

IF their is a question of her health, speak with her pediatrician or medical home to be sure she is otherwise well.  If you do those things, I'll bet a lot of this will get better.  Good luck.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics

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Additional Answers (2)

Devi
Devi writes:
My little one is exactly like that sometimes. I understand you, I work from 8 to 5 and when I get home she, of course, wants all my atention and shows that behaving the worst way she can find, my secret is pacience... I do dont yield at her, I dont spank her I simply tell her that her behavior is rude and wrong that I am not going to pay attention to her untill she calm down then I leave her alone few minutes and wait, it will take 2-5-10 minutes but eventually she will change her attitude. I try to reward her for that (but dont tell her you're giving her a price) I sit down to read a book or draw with her for 15-20 minutes.
You'll see that her attitude at school will also get better, its all about attention.
> 60 days ago

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Boys Town National Hotline
You should be commended for seeking help and guidance with raising your daughter.  There are several things that you may want to think about when she becomes aggressive.  The first and most critical thing is what happens after her inappropriate behavior?  does she get her way?  If so, you may be reinforcing the behavior that you want her to stop!  It may be difficult for you at first, but it is very important that you not give in when she acts this way, if you want the behavior to stop.


At home, you may want to watch what things set her off.  Is she tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Is she trying to get attention from you? Being a parent can be very demanding with down time being almost non-existent.  Look for small amounts of time each day to spend with your daughter whether it is reading a book, playing a word game in the car or a board game at home.   Consistent schedules at home, positive messages (praise, hugs, etc.) are also important for a 4 year old.  Is she eating healthy food, sleeping well, getting exercise?

Often times kids react to things they donââ‰â¢t like with angry outbursts because they havenââ‰â¢t been taught the appropriate way to handle things. There are some very basic social skills that you can teach her and that may help her even at her young age:
Following Instructions
1. Look at the person  (if she is looking at you, she is more likely paying attention)
2. Say OK (she may want to argue or complain, but OK is all you want to hear)
3. Do what is asked (she needs to either do it right away, or at the time you set for her to do it)

Accepting a No Answer/Consequences/Feedback
1. Look at the person
2. Say OK
 
Once you start working on these skills at home with her, you can see how she begins to act at school and with others.  Keep communicating with your daughter's teachers to let them know how you are dealing with her at home and see if they see any improvements at school.  You also should make sure that her grandparents see how you interact with her by not giving in & setting some expectations.  Let them know how coddling her can cause her to have probelms in school and making friends.
Again it is great that you are looking at ways to help your daughter and setting the groundwork for more positive behaviors as she grows!
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000

> 60 days ago

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