Hi there,

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you daughter has had such a difficult time in elementary school. It sounds like she has been coping with significant harassment for quite some time.

You have done a wonderful job approaching your daughter's teacher and principal. How were things left with the principal last? Has she agreed to help resolve future issues or are you expected to communicate with the superintendent from now on? Regardless, I think that you should continue to hold the school administration to task and expect that something be done. The negative consequences of bullying are well documented and your daughter's well-being should be protected by the school.

Also, given that your daughter has been dealing with a lot, it is important that you continue to listen and provide emotional support for her. I also believe that she might benefit from talking to the school counselor or a counselor outside of the school. I think that she needs someone to talk to about the pain and disappointment she is experiencing. In addition, she might find it useful to talk with someone about strategies for managing the bullies and future friendships.

Let us know how it goes! Good luck.

I totally disagree.  There are several articles on here which indicate that bullies are NOT always children with poor self esteem, but rather, children who have extremely high self-esteem (probably quite unjustified) who feel they can do whatever they like.  They have a ripe field for exploitation now because we've essentially FORCED our kids to be victims.  How can they strike back?  Can't beat 'em up on the playground any more (and believe me, no bully tries again against a child who will stand up to him/her).

But back on topic.  What do we know about this child?  This child is striking when opportunity presents itself.  She's sly, physically powerful, and she's a coward.  Classic bully.  To stop her, you need to cut off her opportunity and make sure she has no *single* target to strike back against.  In short, you need to make it so that she knows she has a group against her, not just one defenseless child.  And for heaven's sake, don't worry about this little monster's precious self-esteem when you take action against her.  

To effectively eliminate the problem, you're going to need to do two things: Document, and get other affected parties involved.

It sounds like there are a LOT of kids who are having problems with this child.  I suggest you make a list of the kids who are also having problems with this child, contact each of the parents, and get them to talk to their child and come up with a list of occurrences which have happened, when, where and how.  Compile this list.  

It's important to figure out just when this kid is striking, because chances are, it's an opportunity which happens frequently.  Is it a certain teacher's class?  Is it a certain activity?  Figure that out, and you can figure out her pattern.  What you also figure out from that is who is not observing/supervising your children as they should.  It may seem silly to you to be making a list of 'X hit Y in the arm during Z class on this date'...but what you're doing is establishing a documented pattern of behavior.  This is extremely important, because you've just lifted it out of the category of 'she said/he said' into information which can be acted upon.

Once you've done that...

Step one:  Schedule an appointment with your principal and teacher -- AND the other affected parents.  Present your information and your concerns.  The mere fact that there is a *group* of parents with these concerns should convince them that this child is a menace that needs to be dealt with.  

It goes without saying that you should take excellent notes of this meeting.  Tape it if you have to, but make them know that you are on top of the information and you will follow up with it.  Trust me, it will make a difference.  And, it also gives you ammunition if you need to go over the principal's head (it sounds as if you have a total incompetent there.)

By reviewing your information about what is happening and when, the teacher and administration now have a chance to stop the bullying at its source.  Follow up both with the teachers and, most importantly, the children to find out if this is being done.  If it isn't, move to step 2.

Step 2:  If your first measures prove ineffective, write a formal business letter to your principal, copying the superintendent, the teacher, and the other affected parents.  Go over what happened in the first meeting and state what has happened since.  Demand a meeting with the principal, teacher, the affected parents AND the parents of the bullying child.  What you have to do is make sure that you outnumber the parents of the child in question.

By the way, if that child has caused any documented physical harm to your child, you may have grounds to file criminal charges.  If there is a police officer in your school building, find out what may be done.  You may not get any financial recompense (we never did when my stepson was slugged by a bully and required stitches as a result) but you have at least got something on the child's record and possibly gotten them the punishment they deserve (and hopefully the deterrence they need).  In our case, it was enough to get the kid suspended for the rest of the year, and that took care of the problem in and of itself.

Best of luck and my sympathies.

Again, be an advocate.  Passivity is not acceptable.
The problem will get worse and the girl needs help and counseling should be mandatory.   She is probably cruel because she has learned it from home.  Cycles of violence have to be broken....do not hesitate.
Cheers,
Edie