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shydaughter
shydaughter asks:
Q:

How can I help my daughter overcome her shyness and make friends?

I have a 7th grader, she is very shy, we have moved from last summer.  She never  had more then a couple of friends at a time back in Minnesota.
 She is really having a hard time fitting in with the new school, she started out with all sorts of friends and now it has dwendeled down to maybe one if she is lucky.
 I don't know what the problem is but it seems as if no one wants to be a friend, no matter what we say it has not helped. She has been on the gold honor roll.  She is not stuck up, and tries hard to fit in. I have been told tha when she makes a friend, she tries to smother them and it turns them away, she is also a tom boy and not a girly girl.
 I really hate to see her so sad, she is hurt when she hears when other friends invite people over and don't include her, I have stopped at lunch time and she seems so sad, she has a hard time trying to figure out who she can sit by and feel like she belongs. I want to help her but don't know what more I can do. I have talked to the school and I have not gotten much help there.
 I love her so much and want to take away her pain, I want to see her happy and enjoy her time in school, I have also noticed the other girls in her school want to act much older then they are, and my child is in no hurry to grow up. She wants to enjoy life to it's fullest. So I hope that some one out there can help give me ideas or something new to try.
In Topics: Friendships and peer relationships
> 60 days ago

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rkaiulani
rkaiulani writes:
Hi,
Does your daughter participate in any extracurricular activities? Things like sports, theater, art, or volunteering may help your child form new social relationships. However, it sounds like your child can make friends, but doesn't seem to be able to keep them. Here's a great article about parenting a shy child that might be helpful in working with your daughter to overcome her social difficulties.

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catlover2
catlover2 writes:
I just read your post, and I have a very shy 8Th grader with almost the same problem. She is not a tom boy, but a very girlie girl who happens to love video games. She feel she don't quite fit in with her friends because they all want to grow up too fast where as she still loves watching cartoons. She said that when she is with them she don't know what to say, and don't feel that she belong. I asked if I though she need to talk to a therapist and that is something I'm considering. She is an only child and I often feel that she is very lonely because it's just the two of us. We have a large pool and often she have no one to swim with. To make matters worst there is no girls in my family, or her dad's family that is her age. I know this isn't much help, but sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps just a little bit. Best of luck
> 60 days ago

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LDSolutions
LDSolutions , Child Professional writes:
It isn't the amount of friends that count - it is the quality of friends.  One very good friend is better than 5 mediocre friends.  You might have to look outside the school for friendship options.  Get involved with outside activities not associated with school.  This could include Church or Temples, sports, exercise classes, art or music classes, etc.  Find something your daughter enjoys and then get her involved with that.  Through that hobby or sport she will meet others that share the same interests.  Build up her self-esteem this way.  Her newly found confidence will radiate at school as well.
> 60 days ago

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UNIDAD
UNIDAD writes:
Starting a new school can be one of the most difficult things for a child, but she can get through this with your support.  Continue to relate the message of what lies within us is far more important than the amount of people that surround us.  One good friend or person that she can truly be herself and feel accepted by is very important.  I often work with children around art, particularly shy children.  This is an avenue for expressing emotions, fears, anxiety etc. without words.  Music is also a great avenue for shy individuals.  Does your child play an instrument or have an interest in music?  Would she be willing to join a church choir or the school choir?  If your daughter is unsure "how" to approach others or "how" to feel comfortable with others, sometimes a social training group or a good therapist can help a great deal in this area.  The healthest individuals are those that seek the assistance of other professionals.  A youth group at an active/supportive church can also be a great place to start.  Continue to love and support your daughter as you are doing.
> 60 days ago

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Angel4life
Angel4life writes:
maybe trying moving her to a different school. im also in 7th grade and im just like your daughter and i live in Philadelphia and since my first school wasn't working out i have no friends they all just separated from me. my mom transferred me to a quieter school my one class have a mini. of 3 kids and a max. of 10 kids and everyone is my friend. and maybe be not so pushy see i was really mean to my friends and they didnt want to be with me anymore. anyway hope i helped!!!
> 60 days ago

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cazi03
cazi03 writes:
I can understand your situation. I have worked with children who are very shy who have come to my deportment classes and dance classes. Also I have five children of my own. First of all you say that your daughter is very shy, a solution to this might be to slowly interact with her social life perhaps slowly introduce her to a popular activity such as touch footy or dance ect that the other kids at your school are involved with. Just let her slowly check these sports out and go at first not to meet a dozen friends but just to build her confidence. Therefore it has to be something she is feeling really good at and sucessful at. It is really important to remind her in a positive parenting way that she is really good at that and so good, becareful not to expect the best from her she is there to build her confidence and to have fun not to be better than everyone. Second I see that she had alot of friends at first and now she is down to one. Smothering friends is a sign that she is caring and a little insecure so confidence building will help with this socially she will develop skills where pehaps its not trendy to do that or it's cool to do that or maybe I shouldn't do that ect ect. It might seem that the other girls are much older than they are but perhaps your daughter is alot brainer and will devop maturity quicker so it won't take her long to catch on who is the lees mature. Just get her really involved with activities. It might cost a bit but isn't that worth it in the end. As for the school sometime it hurt but teacher have seen it a hundred times before so it doesn't hurt to listen to them if they are not helping at all like first your teacher then the principal and then the school councilor take her out. Start again. good luck.
> 60 days ago

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ugheneh
ugheneh writes:
well the better thing is that when the teacher askes a question in class she will raise her hand and if it is always the correct answer people get to know her as a brave young girl
> 60 days ago

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