I applaud your efforts to help your daughter build more positive friendships. This can be a very difficult thing to do and you're right, it takes time. Indirect forms of aggression such as social or relational aggresion start as early as preschool. It sounds like your daughter's friend is engaging in socially/relationally aggressive strategies (many use these terms interchangeably). Social aggression typically targets individuals within the same friendship group. Like the example you provided of your daughter being told not to play with another girl, social aggression is directed at damaging another individual's social status. Name calling, social exclusion, hurtful facial expressions are all examples of social aggression. Those who are good at social aggression (which it sounds like your daughter's friend is) are skilled at balancing both getting ahead in their peer group (becoming popular) and getting along.

It may surprise you that your daughter chooses someone like this as a friend; however, research tells us that socially aggressive children are often popular. However, they are not usually well-liked. Your daughter may express that she is her "closest friend" because girls (and boys) want to affiliate with people of high social status. This is normal, but you should continue to encourage your daughter to engage with positive peers. Talk with her about what the characteristics of a good friend are (e.g., How do good friends treat you? How do they treat others? How do they make you feel?). By encouraging your daughter to engage with positive peers, she will increase her experience with positive social interactions and increase her self-confidence in future social situations. We know from research that victims of bullying can experience changes in their self-confidence.

It seems like you are moving in the right direction, by encouraging your daughter to play with other children. If your daughter becomes isolated from her other friends, that could create more of a power imbalance between your daughter and her friend. By definition, bullying involves an imbalance of power - whether it be that one individual is stronger, bigger, more socially skilled, aggressive, or has more friends. Promoting positive social opportunities is definitely a step in the right direction.

Young children often rate social aggression as more acceptable than other forms of aggression (such as physical aggression). It is important that you discuss that social aggression is wrong and hurtful with your daughter, if you haven't already. She might be surrounded by peers who also view this behavior as acceptable. Young children often tolerate social aggression and rarely report being victimized to adults. Encourage your daughter to tell you or another trusted adult when she is the target of social aggression. If your daughter knows that adults view social aggression as wrong, she will be less likely to view it as acceptable. When your daughter witnesses social aggression by her friend, help her enact strategies to discourage that behavior. Work with your daughter's strength in playing well with others to interrupt the social aggression or reframe the negative way her friend is talking about others (e.g., "I like it when we all play together."). The more she understands how hurtful social aggression is and what the qualities of a good friend are, the easier this will become.

There is no "right way" to solve this situation, but there are strategies you can try. It sounds like you are on the right track in helping your daughter!


Jami Givens
School Psychology Doctoral Candidate
University of Nebraska - Lincoln
Target Bullying Research Lab: www.targetbully.com