Granma2013
asks:
Q:
My grandson is being bullied by my daughter's partner.
My grandson has always found eating a chore and will only eat a few things and also has some behavior issues which I think might be due to ADHD.
The boyfriend is 26, ex army and lazy around the house and is a big eater and overweight.
My daughter is 4 years older, a very nervous person who has never had a proper job.
They've been together 3 years.
My daughter moved in with her boyfriend a year ago and had a baby in February.
The boyfriend is making my grandson very unhappy as he says he does not want him to live with them, makes him cry saying he won't eat or something mean about his eating even before he starts to eat and when it all gets very tense he drags my grandson by his jumper away from the table or up the stairs to bed.
All this happens in front of me so I worry about what it is like when I am not there.
My daughter is siding with the boyfriend as she is frightened she will be homeless as it is his house. The boyfriend has started saying unkind things to her too.
I have gotten very cross with them both and have helped out by taking my grandson over night to relieve the pressure but it's not making much difference.
My daughter won't go to the doctor for help as she says they will say why didn't she go before, I've said better late than never.
I have spoken to the boyfriend's mother and she has tried speaking to him.
What more can I do?
In Topics:
Physical Health, Parenting / Our Family
The boyfriend is 26, ex army and lazy around the house and is a big eater and overweight.
My daughter is 4 years older, a very nervous person who has never had a proper job.
They've been together 3 years.
My daughter moved in with her boyfriend a year ago and had a baby in February.
The boyfriend is making my grandson very unhappy as he says he does not want him to live with them, makes him cry saying he won't eat or something mean about his eating even before he starts to eat and when it all gets very tense he drags my grandson by his jumper away from the table or up the stairs to bed.
All this happens in front of me so I worry about what it is like when I am not there.
My daughter is siding with the boyfriend as she is frightened she will be homeless as it is his house. The boyfriend has started saying unkind things to her too.
I have gotten very cross with them both and have helped out by taking my grandson over night to relieve the pressure but it's not making much difference.
My daughter won't go to the doctor for help as she says they will say why didn't she go before, I've said better late than never.
I have spoken to the boyfriend's mother and she has tried speaking to him.
What more can I do?
> 60 days ago
What the Expert Says:
Resources:
Additional Answers (6)
As a grandmother, this must all be very hard to watch. I am a grandmother and I would be livid. With all due respect, you need to take action before something terrible happens to either your grand-baby or your daughter. Your poor grandson is going to end up with an eating disorder or worse. If you can't talk to your daughter into growing a backbone and getting help for her son (this is her child, for God's sake), then call Children and Youth in your local area and report your concerns. This is abuse no matter how you slice it. The agency must investigate complaints of this nature, and they do not reveal the name of the person who made the complaint. Your daughter's response regarding why she hasn't taken your grandson to a doctor is pathetic. I mean no disrespect to you, but her concern is for herself and what the doctor will think of her and not about how to help her son. As I am sure you know, contacting Children and Youth will most likely make your daughter's boyfriend even more angry. I am sure he'll think you did it. Be prepared to do battle. However, I think if you really think about it, your grandson, his happiness, and perhaps his very life are in your hands. He must feel so alone and scared. You are the only person who can help him. Good luck to you and God bless you and your grandson.
> 60 days ago
Where is your grandson's father? Is he in the picture? It's hard to hear but you may have to call Department of Children and Family Services, your family is suffering from abuse, and it isn't healthy. I know it's hard to sit back and watch, but waiting can only make it worse. Take your grandson to the the doctor yourself. While your daughter is siding with the boyfriend, what will she do the day he physically hurts her or the kids if he hasn't done that already? You said your daughter is afraid of becoming homeless, why can't she stay with you? Or in a shelter until she gets herself together? Get your family out of there before it's too late. If his mother can't get to him, then he's clearly a lost cause.
> 60 days ago
This must be so difficult for you to see. If you have a place of your own, offer to take in your daughter and her son and get your daughter to own the responsibilities that she has towards her son, at least if she does not want to help herself.
Surely the state offers financial aid to single parents and until she leaves him (the boyfriend) will she prosper. He obviously is not interested in her, himself and the little boy.
Support and encourage her to do the right thing and if he puts her out, then YOU take her in and she starts afresh. While there is no marriage, he has no hold over her and the boy. The first step is very difficult but she will see the benefits of not having him around.
Good luck and I wish you all well.
Surely the state offers financial aid to single parents and until she leaves him (the boyfriend) will she prosper. He obviously is not interested in her, himself and the little boy.
Support and encourage her to do the right thing and if he puts her out, then YOU take her in and she starts afresh. While there is no marriage, he has no hold over her and the boy. The first step is very difficult but she will see the benefits of not having him around.
Good luck and I wish you all well.
> 60 days ago
Thanks for all your comments. My daughter is about to make a doctor's appointment to finally get him some help as I called the doctor and he will only deal with her! They now know his name so she has no choice but to follow through. The boyfriend is now very depressed its not nice when everyone is against you, maybe a little of his own medicine might help. I do not have anywhere they could stay as I live in a one bed flat. My grandson's dad lives 50 miles away and sees him once a fortnight and does not know how the boyfriend treats my grandson and does not have a great relationship with my daughter. My daughter says things are much improved but I will be keeping an eye on the situation and am very close to calling social services.
> 60 days ago
1) Can you have your daughter and her 2 kids stay with you? While your daughter and her boyfriend work things out.
2) Have you talked with your daughter about letting you have child custody over your grandson?
3) What about your grandson's father, have you thought what he may be able to offer your grandson?
4) What about helping your daughter find a place of her own (even if it's state housing at first) and can you asking around to help find her a job.
5) If you cannot have your grandson live with you, what about someone in the family with kids his age or just too loving adults where he would be happiest? I am not saying cut your daughter out but maybe short visits with him is all she can handle if she is picking her boyfriend over her son.
2) Have you talked with your daughter about letting you have child custody over your grandson?
3) What about your grandson's father, have you thought what he may be able to offer your grandson?
4) What about helping your daughter find a place of her own (even if it's state housing at first) and can you asking around to help find her a job.
5) If you cannot have your grandson live with you, what about someone in the family with kids his age or just too loving adults where he would be happiest? I am not saying cut your daughter out but maybe short visits with him is all she can handle if she is picking her boyfriend over her son.
> 60 days ago
The boyfriend has now left the house and now we wait to see what happens next. His mum says she will try to get him to the Dr as he is very depressed about the whole situation. As the house is in his name, what rights if any does she have to stay there?
> 60 days ago
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