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imhismommy
imhismommy asks:
Q:

Relative parenting advice... am I wrong here?

My son is 2 years old and prone to throwing tantrums.  I can tell you spanking does not work, time out only works long enough for him to get out of it, and taking things from him does not work.  He is not even 2 1/2 yet and I think I need to mostly ignore the bad behavior and reward the good, as long as it doesn't get too out of hand.  He's active and rambunctious, but usually very sweet.  My problem is I am in a second marriage and we adopted this baby.  I have 2 children in their late 20's and my husband has one that age.  Not him, but his FAMILY constantly tells me what I should not put up with from the baby.  The worst one of the bunch has 2 children 10 years younger than mine and the boy is drugged out and a minor and she can't even control him through the courts.  The girl is honestly a tramp.  Both my children are drug/child/disease free with no criminal record and self-supporting.  My husband's son isn't on drugs, but is a problem (husband knows this) in every other way. I want to tell this woman to quit trying to make the whole family think I don't know how to raise a child.  She may be 20 years older than me, but I have 10 years more experience with a lot better results!  Any suggestions?
In Topics: Blended families
> 60 days ago

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Expert

ShirleyCressDudley
Dec 26, 2013
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What the Expert Says:

Your question contains a lot of information. If I am understanding it correctly- you are asking for advice on how to take the best care of your 2 year old, and also how to respond to unwanted advice from others?

2 year old are developmentally a difficult stage. They are learning what they can control in life and not control- including themselves. This is a huge time of growth and learning for your son. This is where parenting plays a key part in his growth.

Creating limits along with positive and negative consequences is essential. It is great to accept the good behavior and celebrate it, but ignoring the bad behavior will just result in more bad behavior. It is important to discuss negative behavior with your son, and provide consequences when that negative behavior occurs.

You are in a blended family, which is difficult, and have other children in the family with different backgrounds and different behaviors. I would treat each child with love and based on their different developmental stages, and be kind  but firm- when others want to give you advice. You might politely thank them, and then change the subject- or ask for examples of what they would do.

I wish you the very best.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Founder and Executive Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
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Additional Answers (2)

Boys Town National Hotline
It is probably hard to separate the fact that your relatives with kids and problems of their own are trying to tell you what you are and are not doing right.  Sometimes this advice comes with the best intentions, but comes off as being bossy or judgemental.  If it is the one gal that continues to be opinionated and giving unwanted advice, talk to your husband and see if he can approach her at a time when things are going well.

That toddler age is such a tough age anyway. A child his age has a lot of opportunities to learn just through play.  At about age 3 he might take an interest in playing with other children his age.  Yes, sharing can become an issue especially if he is at his own home with his own belongings, but playing with another child might be helpful.  They role model for each other.  They have parents there along side who can monitor and teach to a misbehavior.  For instance, if your son grabs a toy away from his playmate, and yells "This is mine,"  show him the alternate reaction.  Tell him, "No, so-in-so picked it up first.  He is going to play with it for 5 minutes and then you can have a turn."  If you need to separate them, then separate them.  If he throws himself down screaming, then move him to a different area.  The more calm you are and the more consistent you are in teaching/modeling the appropriate behavior, the more likely his tantrums will become less frequent and less intense.

Laura - Crisis Counselor
55 days ago

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TeacherandParent
TeacherandP... writes:
It sounds like you're doing fine with a rambunctious 2 year old - it's your in-laws who are driving you crazy. Mine did too - lots of people even strangers step in to offer advice about babies, toddlers and children overall. I found it hard to ignore but I guess that's the right thing to do. Or smile and say "We're doing fine."

2 year olds do throw tantrums - that's normal and spanking wouldn't work really - 2 year olds some more than others are kind of programmed to throw tantrums. My son's pediatrician said - put him in his room and let him tantrum it out.

He did outgrow it.

I think it's wonderful that you and your husband adopted a baby!
55 days ago

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