Androgyny, thank you for writing. My 3.5 year old son has been into "girly" things for over a year now, and consistently says he IS a girl. Not that he wants to be one, but that he is one. Being a girl seems to consist mainly of long hair and accessorizing for him. My husband and I don't make a big deal out of it, but we are a little concerned as it's been going on so long. Our real concern is not that he's not "boyish" but that if he is indeed transgender, that is a long hard road to hoe for him for his life.

We give him unconditional love regardless of boy or girl behavior. If he turns out to be transgender, so be it. But let me ask you, Androgyny, what would you have wanted your parents to do to make things better for you? I want to know so I can make my son's life easier.

He will go to school with painted fingernails but he's a rough-and-tumble boy at the same time. He gets upset at school when he tells kids that he's a girl, they get mad and tell him he's a boy. I tell him to tell them that he knows what he is and leave it at that. But you can tell that both the other kids and himself are upset and kind of shaken by these exchanges.

I just want to know that what I'm doing is best for him. I don't encourage the girly stuff, but neither do I discourage it.

To anyone who has a son, who has this example.  I have a son that is 7 years old.  He from age 3 has been into girl stuff.  He will usually choose girl things at the store over boy things.  He dances like a girl , i mean really like a girl.  He likes to dress like a girl, he wants long hair.  He doesn't like it when i cut it.  I made the mistake of letting him watch a little clip of a man that wanted to be a girl.  And he occasionally will say mom when are you going to let me change into a girl.  I didn't show him this mind you until he was 7.  But i think children shouldn't probably know this until at least 13.  I 'am positive that he does want to be a girl because he has always wanted this and he is going to be 8 soon.  Doctors say that by 7 years old you can see that its not just about dressing as a girl.  
I believe that you should not try and change your kids if they feel a certain way about themselves.  I try and let him get girl things in moderation , i also encourage boy things.  I don't go and buy a whole bunch of girl stuff in front of everyone at the store.  I think it is a private thing and it's no one's business what you buy for your son.
If your son likes to look at girl shoes don't go down that isle.  If it embarrases you.  My son has gotten to the age where he knows that some kids in his class don't think it's exceptable to like girl things , so he has learned to hid this.  I haven't told him to hid this but i had a talk with him about predjudices and that alot of people don't think it's ok for a boy to like girl stuff , and that he may get teased for it.  He learned this the hard way in school.  
If you don't let him be himself he may become a closeted cross dresser.  I don't think in this case you should worry until he gets about 6 years old.  
I don't think if your son or mine dresses or likes girl stuff he will necessarly become gay.  But it is a possibility , which will be a hard road for him ,and you.  
Their are lots of things you can do now than there was a long time ago.  Like you can get counceling for you and later on for him i think say age 8.  There are support groups too.  
One thing i have heard about for boys that are very femine , is male hormones injected .  I'm really not sure how i feel about it.  I kind of feel like it would be changing who my real son is.  And my husband is against medicine for him .  Another thing is move and grow out his hair when he is way older  .   I'am not sure how i feel about this either because if anyone finds out he is a boy in high school it could get bad.  If he did turn out to be gay i would always say never hid that your a boy that turned into a girl .  That is very wrong!!!  I mean when it comes to a relationship with someone.  
Do not go to christian counceling and try to get him to change and tell him if he doesn't its a sin and he may go to hell.  
It's the same things as telling a straight person you will go to hell if your not gay.
If he or she is really gay , i mean really gay they cannot change.  Their are alot of gay kids that don't make it past high school because the can't handle being different and they kill themselves.  Think about how you would feel if it was you that was gay.  Be sensitive to him and let him know you are always there if he wants to talk .  Never look at him like he is weird.  If he says i want to be a girl , you say oh i know you do hunny , give him a hug , do not say at a young age ok .  Until kids are a teenage and even later a kid doesn't understand the consequences of actions.  
Anyway hopefully this helps someone with a son that has this.   Thankyou sarah

I forgot to say that having girl stuff on your son, or my son is a bad idea when going out and especially at school.  It will only lead to teasing and him being alienated from other kids.  Keep the dresses and jewelry at home and he will feel better about himself.

My son is 3 years old and always wanting to wear my clothes, be a princess and obsessive about "girl" things.  We are Christians and were very confused as what to do.  I found a book by Joseph Nicolosi, "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality".  I used the techniques as suggested in this book, it's been 3 weeks, we've already seen a change.  He doesn't talk about "girl stuff"  doesn't want to wear my clothes or shoes, doesn't throw a fit in the store bc he wants to play in the barbie isle.  It's amazing!!!  This is a  MUST READ BOOK!!!  Your son may have gender confusion....gender characteristics develop between ages of 2 to 4...this is a serious issue...please read the book!  It's amazing!

My son is 17 years old and wishes to be considered a girl.  He has changed his name and will not respond to us if we refer to him as his given name.  He/she has told me that he has always felt he was a girl.  Sorry to tell you this, but he is not going to out grow this.  Good luck!  I hope you can be supportive of this as it can be very freaky.....

Also, Patrick, please remember that our children are an extension of us, but we, as parents, cannot control who they or what they will become.  We can only provide them with the basics of "life".  I am catholic and truly believe that we are born gay, transgender,etc.

When my mother found out I was having a son her first words were "Thank God!  You'll be a much better mother to a boy than a girl!"  Why did she say that?  Not to sound crude, but I often describe myself as a guy with a vagina- with the exception of that I hate sports.  Then I half-joked with my Mom and said, "Well, you raised ME!  So what does that say about YOU! Ha ha ha."  Now, I'm not gay by any stretch of the imagination and I've never had the least desire to have a relationship with a woman.  I'm happily married and was always able to get boyfriends, and they've always said that the reason they were attracted to me was because I was "like one of the guys" and they could talk about anything with me without having to censor themselves.  I have a pretty deep voice for a girl and always did since childhood, which came in handy for telling Ghost Stories at Girl Scout Camp.  I had to suffer through my mother painting my room pink and dressing me in pinafores and putting bows in my hair when all I wanted to do was throw on my Converse All Stars.  They bought me baby dolls that I never touched.  My grandfather just went with the flow and bought me trucks without giving it a second thought.  But in my 20's I did some modeling for awhile and sometimes enjoy playing "dress up" in my sexy clothes and try on "woman" for an evening for a change of pace.  I've never had close girlfriends like other women do and just don't "get" that whole female bonding "Sex and the City" thing at all.  I have friends more like a guy would- more casual and less intense.  I also used to work in a clothing store for tall women that had a HUGE transgender and transvestite (is that word still used?) clientele, and they'd often stop by all dolled up on their way out for a Saturday night party, and hey- they looked great and they enjoyed it.  Good for them!  Sex and sexual orientation are biological but gender roles are completely artifical.  No one got too hung up on the gender thing with me because it was the opposite- female acting more male.  People don't panic about that one.  But why do they panic when a boy acts more feminine?  It's really the same thing.  Your son is who he is and no amount of Tonka trucks will change it.  Don't make him feel uncomfortable in his own skin or make him hide his feelings- that will only lead to major trouble down the road.  If my man were straight but loved dressing like a woman I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as I always knew about it from the get-go.  If he sprung it on me after the relationship was underway, THAT would bother me.  Your son can't keep this hidden as he enters a relationship when he gets older.  And look on the bright side:  his future wife may love that he enjoys shoe shopping.

Hello, I'm androgynous (what a strange greeting) and my dad had originally aimed for me being a girl (born with some of both parts, and not a complete whole - even now) in my mind, I felt like I was meant to be a boy, and for some reason God made me this way. When I was very little, I imagined myself as a boy, and I was easily mistaken for a boy (though I have female features).

So, since I was around 4 I figured I was most like a boy, instead of dolls, I got action figures, instead of girl clothes, I always wore guy clothes - and had a tantrum when I was forced into wearing girl clothes (because I personally look better as a male), anyways, when I hit 6 years old, I was starting to have my little crushes on girls, and I've always been male in my mind, even now. The thing is, for me, I was born with ambiguous genitalia, and I was told so when I was around 13 years old - I felt as if I knew myself better then I ever have.

I'm not necessarily open about my sexual preferences, and I've come to learn that love is based on ones emotional feeling, and doesn't have boundaries (I always tell people who question my sexual preference that I think love is 'bisexual').

Anyways, I was actually born with more XY chromosomes then XX chromosomes, and I was born with some male genitalia (and female) of course, I received surgery at a very young age, but, it's troublesome since I'm trying to get testosterone pills in order to be more masculine, and accepting of myself as the person I truly am. My case was special, and it actually has something to do with male/female genitalia at birth, so it's probably different from your son's. But, however he ends up, this world is becoming more, and more accepting when it comes to sexuality - however, I think your son is simply bi-curious at an earlier age, it may return later, but, for now, I wouldn't concern yourself because children don't really both understanding gender roles anyways. There will be a time when only he decides what he feels he truly is, and no matter what, I hope you'll be an awesome dad, and accept him for who he is.

Hi Patrick,

When my cousin was about the same age as your son, he used to wear his sister's tight pink bicycle shorts all the time and he loved to dress up as a girl. I always thought that he was gay. Looking back on it, I realize that kids at that age don't really know what being a boy or girl truly means. My cousin is now 17 years old, dates girls and is very much a straight male. Another factor that might have played into his "cross dressing" was his close relationship to me and his older sister growing up. He looked up to two girls which possibly influenced the way he thought he should dress himself. Kids emulate those they look up to. Does your son have a female role model, like his mom, grandmother, aunt, teacher?

In addition, my boyfriend's mom would tell me stories and has shown me pictures of him wearing her shoes, purses and hats. He is now 23 years old and he has also grown up to be a straight male.

A wonderful lesson I've learned is that all children deserve the best love and understanding parents can provide whether he/she grows up gay or straight :)

It's funny how after looking through these posts, I wonder about why we humans try to push different ideals of behavior on children. As we could see from these replies, obviously gender is not so simple as "boy" and "girl", and from the get go children have their own preferences for how they act. After categorizing the behavior as feminine or masculine, we try to "fix" it if it doesn't match the ridiculous ideals we set up.

I recommend that you perhaps try reading a bit of a Japanese manga called Hourou Musuko. http://www.mangafox.com/manga/hourou_musuko/ This isn't your typical childrens story or cartoon.

It documents the life of a boy who wants to wear girl clothes, and a girl who wants to wear boy clothes. It really opened my eyes to gender identity and how transgendered children feel under the judgmental eyes of society, their fears, and hopes. Maybe you'll see what your son may have to go through in the future, and perhaps ways you can help him feel cared for and accepted.

Patrick,
My husband and I could've written your post ourselves, and after seeing a child psychologist, I felt compelled to create an account and let you know the advice she gave us.  My son is 4 (my other son is 6), and we live in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is the most open area to live in within the U.S. when it comes to transgenders, and the psychologist we visited is very well respected in our area and is an expert in preschoolers.  I also have 3 friends and one coworker who are transgender, and very much respect the courage it takes to be transgender in our society.  Like you, we will support our son 100% if this is his path, but we hope for an easier path for him.  

The child psychologist we saw believes what often happens to some boys around 4 years old is that for one reason or another they don't feel they're fitting in with the boy crowd, so they illogically assume that means they must be a girl.  We believe there are some people who are truly born the wrong gender, but this is rare and not always the case with all the 4-year-old boys out there wanting to be girls (my son included).

My son likes to have conversations and is small for his age so often gets hurt when playing with other boys.  Girls like to have conversations and tend to play more gently.

My son also identifies mostly with me, not Dad.  He wants me to do everything from make his lunch to read him a book, and will protest when Dad does these things.  He wants to be a mommy and have a vagina like me.

Our psychologist says 4 year olds are still developing their sense of who they are, and if we don't act, then our son could continue to believe he is a girl and/or become "an isolate," someone who feels he doesn't fit in anywhere.  It can easily become a self-fulfilling cycle, when in reality she believes my son was born a boy.

Her advice: find him some friends who are boys with similar temperaments, and make Dad more interesting/Mom less interesting, so that our son will think being a guy is cool and want to be like Dad.  Dad is supposed to spend alone time with him 1-2 times a week, doing fun things.  Don't ban the girl things, but try to wind them down.  For example, put the princess dresses away as part of the special toys we put away when friends come over for play dates.  Stop painting his nails (tell him we realized nail polish isn't good for you).  Don't buy him the dresses he wants to wear out of the house.

After doing all the research online that I did about boys wanting to be girls, I was convinced my son was transgender and would have viewed my post as unsupportive of the child.  We'll see--if this psychologist is wrong and my son is really a girl, then that will become apparent no matter what we do, and I don't feel that following the advice we've been given will harm him.  She has worked with 4 other families in similar situations--not a lot--but 3 of those children are now happy as the gender they were born.  The fourth family didn't follow any of her advice, and now their son who is 10 feels extremely isolated.  Our pediatrician had 2 similar cases recently, and both children a year later stopped believing they were the opposite gender.  In the end, what this psychologist said really does seem to make sense when it comes to our son.

We'll see what happens.  Good luck to you and your family, Patrick, and to all the rest of us trying to support our children in being whomever they are!

Listen, he is what is known as a transexual, which means he is unhappy with his sex. I am a 14 year old with the same problem. He is very good in telling someone because it could cause stress or even suicide!!! You can not really do anything about it there is no cure the best thing you can do is just support him. In a few years wait and see if it changes he is young, but in reality he might be a girl but in a mans body like a actor a good one. Take him to a doctor to give you more answers, but also you cannot change him so don` t try it will only cause the kid more stress and discomfort, and now he can be helped because he shared, and if you help you might even save his life! Email me for more questions! colinrsapp@gmail.com

I have a 7 year old son who has loved all things girl since he was two, shortly before his sister was born.  We were visiting family and the two young girls dressed him in a princess dress and he has never looked back.  Every toy he would select, every book, every costume was always feminine.  When he was four and this continued, we had him meet with someone to be evaluated.  My greatest fear was that we would not "parent" this correctly.  By supporting him, we were helping his self-esteem (we hoped).  By allowing him to act feminine with his friends, we risked that same self-esteem being erroded by occasional mean kids.  Now, at 7, my son still likes all things girls, with some boy stuff thrown in for good measure.  I hate that we live in a world where gender matters so much, but I also fear for his well-being.  We encourage him to have varied interests.  He doesn't like team sports, but we want him to be active, so he swims, skis and takes gymnastics.  He likes Barbies, Polly Pockets, Pokemon and Bakugan.  He plays with girls and boys at home and at school.  His mannerisms are far more feminine than masculine, which I think will be a challenge for him down the road.  I wish I could say I knew what we should be doing or how to parent our son well, but I don't.  We try to love him, guide him the best we can, and support him, but we make a lot of mistakes.  I worry about him all the time, mostly because I am so afraid of that first comment from a mean child that will shatter him.  Truthfully, I also worry about what our friends will think.  In the end, my husband and I decided it was more important for him to feel loved and supported at home than by peers.  

While I would love to tell you not to worry, it isn't possible.  However, all the worry in the world won't change who he is or who he will become.  I will love my son no matter what, I just hope that he will be prepared to navigate whatever road lies ahead for him.

I too have a 4 year old son. He always liked playing dress up with the girls his same age in our neighborhood. It bothered me, but I figured he is just playing. He always says he wants to dress up like a girl, then on Halloween he wanted to be a vampire-so he could wear makeup. Since then, he is obsessed about wearing make up and lipstick. He always wants to paint his nails. He says he does not like to be a boy and he wants to be a girl, dress like a girl and wear girl clothes. It is really the makeup thing he is always wanting. He still dresses like a boy and never says anything about that, but when we go to the store, he always wants to buy make up. For toys, he always goes to girl stuff, pink things, princess things. He also likes boy things, but would rather play with girl stuff. I am confused and dont know what to think or do. I feel sometimes he says things like this because he knows it bothers me so much, I dont have anything wrong with being gay if that is the road, but my heart is breaking because I just know what a cruel world he is going to have to endure. I have told him to stop, he is a boy, gotten mad at him. I feel horriable because I dont want him to ever think he can not feel himself with me. I want to protect him. My heart is just aching so, I dont know if this is a stage, a stage where he wants to carry a purse, wear makeup, paint his nails, ahhh, I just dont know!!!

this is completely normal, just keep checking your son every year to see if he still feels like this, if it does not stop within three or four years you should take him to see a gender specialist, if it does stop, it was most likely a phase, but for the time being yo should let your son do what makes him happy and class him as a her for the time being (only in his presence)
or you could aslo check out the mermaids website

Has everyone lost their mind? Thirty years from now, high heels may be considered male apparel, and working boots may be viewed as feminine. What makes us male or female is not the type of clothes we wear- it's the fact that we have a penis or vagina. If people were not so goddamn insistent upon fitting into societal expectations, which are complete nonsense, they would understand this. Let your son wear a dress if he wants, and don't act surprised, or as if he is doing something he shouldn't be. Men used to wear tunics? They were still men.. Don't give weight or importance to societies bullshit, or your child will become trans gender, don't make him feel special, or different, explain to him that superficial shut like clothes don't make a difference. Tell him it is perfectly fine to enjoy the things most girls enjoy. The only reason why girls and boys have such limits and restrictions on why thy like ad dislike is conformity, I'm bot saying here is no difference between boys and girls, but the difference is a hell of a lot deeper than clothes and princesses. If your boy felt comfortable enjoying all the girly things he enjoys, as a boy, he would have no need to feel mad at God for being a boy. Penis and vagina are pretty much the only things that matters when it comes to gender, all gender "identity" is about is people who don't fit the mold feeling like there must be something wrong with them

Mr.freeman, I have a six year old son that
 thinks he is a girl too. There was an incident
last christmas My inlaws know alex thinks he
is a girl so theyMy mother inlaw got him a
 little mermaid ds Game my brother in law
got him a backpack Of the mermaid but my
 sis in law got him hot wheels. He was thrilled
With everything but when my oldest son said
Alex get your cars he answered as he whispered
" I dont like it" every heared that and laugh
And now alex only gets what makes him
Happy My point is accept your child and
 dont let Anyone belittle him or judge him
By the way I have four children 3 boys 1 girl
And he lives happy because we all love him
As he is and after all that all that matters to
Raise strong confident children.

I think this type of behavior is normal, and not a gender issues. Girls have been "allowed" to be tomboys for years, but the thought that our little boys want to be effeminate is heartbreaking for many of us. As a mother of a 5 year old boy that LOVES girly things for the last 3 years, I have no worries. He loves princesses, pink and purple, dressing up, barbies, etc. AND, he loves lego's, star wars, matchboxes and beating the crap out of his older brother. Instead of seeing this as a "problem," I see it as he is a well-rounded person. Someone who will make a wonderful and caring person, as well as a strong, driven individual. Enjoy your children for who they are, not who you want them to be. AND, I think we need to come up with a cutesy name for them...girls have tomboys, how about these wonderful boys should be called suegirls????

when i was 12 i wanted to be a girl i still want to be let him know god made in his image it will be tuff  i know what it feels like people like me and him are called transgenders i don't know were it comes from . i hope this helps but it'ell get better even when it gets painful just let your son know your there for him.Here is a website i have in bookmarks

Hi typical Dad. I am a typical Mom and I have experienced the very same thing since my son was about two years old, you are not alone. My son is 7 now and is has grown and intensified just as I suspected. The one thing that you should know and remember above all is that you have to be very careful how you talk to and explain things to Connor. There is a fine line between talking to your kid and shaming your kid. My son's father always gets mad when he see's nail polish on our boy and yells, "you're a boy!! not a girl!!", well thanks a lot DAD now he hates his gender even more...I hope you understand.
I will be honest, I hoped it was just a phase too but deep down I knew. The whole God comment says it all, he is serious and this is not going away. I just got my son into counseling and you know what, I waited too long. For a while i was afraid to involve him with therapy and now I realize I should've done it sooner because he is soooo angry now saying he hates his life and lots of other heartwrenching things and he means every word. I wish all of our kids that share this could be in the same place or at least a couple. It is hard to be the only one going through something so strong and serious aspecially as a child. good luck to you all. Hope some of my words helped you out.
Losten