Dear Anonymous,

You are considering some very important decisions, and I think it is wonderful that you are seeking help and support from others to cope with this challenge.

I think that you should weigh the information you get in this and other forums, but I also believe that you should listen to your instinct. In this case, I believe that your instinct is correct. I do not think that it would be advantageous to separate the girls. I wouldn't advocate for splitting siblings for custody, in general, but I am especially concerned about splitting twins. Although your marriage is a happy life change, it will be a transition for your daughters, and I believe that they need as much stability as possible at this time. Children typically benefit from the love and support that they receive from their sibling who "gets it" and understands what it is like to go through divorce, remarriage, and custody changes in the family. Siblings need each other during this difficult time, and twins are especially likely to benefit from the special bond of support that a twin offers. Thus, I would listen closely to your gut at this point. You know your children best, and you understand what their needs are.

As you consider other custody arrangements, it may be useful to know that research has shown that one of the single most important factors in facilitating healthy and positive emotional and physical growth for children of divorce is a cooperative and cordial relationship between divorced parents. The quality of the divorced parent's relationship is even more important, in many cases, than the specifics of the custody arrangement. It sounds as though you and your ex-husband have managed to maintain a positive working relationship, and I would encourage you to continue to foster that dynamic. For more on this, please see the articles below.

I would invite you to sit down and speak with your ex-husband and new husband to revisit the custody conversation. Is there any way that the two families can be closer together for the sake of the children? If not, what kind of custody arrangement can be developed that would allow the divorced parents to each have more time with their daughters?

I wish you well and encourage you to continue to listen to your instinct.

Sincerely,

Laura Kauffman, Ph.D.
Licensed Child Psychologist
JustAsk Expert

Hi, Adding to the excellent insights shared by Dr. Laura Kauffman and Shirley Cress Dudley, I would like to suggest that you talk to your daughters' pediatrician and/or get referral to a local child/family psychologist in your area, who can meet with your daughters in person, assess their emotional well-being and make specific recommendations for your family. Meeting with a family counselor could also benefit you as you (and the girls' father) struggle with this difficult decision.

I'm including below some other resources that may also be helpful for your family.

I would not separate the twins. Whether it be twins, or just plain siblings, I would consider keeping them together. The children should be your main priority at this time ( meaning well being in all areas). Emotionally they must be able to bond and stay together. Also, dad must have time with both of them as well. Hope this helps :)