About Discipline - Helping Children Develop Self-Control (continued)

Use language to help solve problems
Establish fair, simple rules and state them clearly. When children acquire language, help them use words, rather than actions, to express how they feel. Similarly, when you are disciplining your child, tell her that you understand what she's feeling. After the preschool years, a child is able and interested in understanding behavior. For example, a 7-year-old may hit her younger brother when he grabs her toy. In the child's world, it's difficult to have a younger sibling messing with your stuff. So, accompany the discipline with a statement that tells her you know how annoying it can be to have someone getting in your way, but she is not allowed to hit. Help her practice identifying and saying what she feels before she acts. You might pose situations such as "How can you tell Amanda that you don't like it when doesn't let you have a turn?" You might also suggest some other situations and encourage to child to generate some possible solutions to the situation.

Ignoring
For some infractions, the simple act of ignoring the behavior will make it disappear. Some children misbehave as a way of getting attention, and parents may unwittingly encourage the behavior they are trying to stop. By repeatedly telling your child to stop blowing bubbles into his milk or to stop playing with her food, you may be really calling attention to the behavior, turning it into an event. Ignore it and attend to something else and then focus attention on the child when she does the right thing. The point is: recognize and attend to behavior you want to encourage rather than behavior you don't want to encourage.

Rewards
Positive reinforcement is the best technique for encouraging wanted behavior. Most children crave attention and acceptance from their parents and will work to get it. Rewards are not bribes; they are ways to show a child that she is doing a good job. The reward should be tailored to the age and tastes of the child as well as to the resources of the parent. Verbal praise can be effective. Although stickers are often used to encourage new or improved behavior, don't underestimate the value of time. A special trip to the playground or an extra story at bedtime is often all it takes to motivate the child to do a better job.

Natural consequences
Parents always have the option of using natural consequences to drive home a point. Natural consequences help children learn to take responsibility for their actions and help parents realize that the long term gain will be worth the short term discomfort. For example, the l0-year-old who forgot to bring home her social studies book and is unprepared for a quiz may want you to write a note that she was sick. Refusing to do this teaches the child to plan better next time and not to expect that her parents will lie to bail her out.

No more no – keep it positive
Both parents and children get tired of hearing 'no' all the time. Too many no's lose their meaning and don't help a child learn what will get her a 'yes.' Positive statements teach children what is appropriate. It is not enough to tell a child what not to do; you should also teach a better alternative. If your five-year-old is happily and busily coloring with crayon on the wall, it's more effective to give him paper, perhaps in different sizes and shapes in a box just for art supplies, and say something like 'walls are not meant for drawing, but paper is perfect. And when you use paper you can draw as many pictures as you want, and I can save them.' Parents should develop a radar system to pick up the good behavior rather than just the bad. Catch children when they are sharing, helping other children, dealing well with frustration, and compliment them immediately. Try a one-day experiment and you'll be surprised at all the good behavior you'll find.

Don't dictate: negotiate
Negotiation does not mean that that parents or children get their way. Negotiation, when done with sensitivity, makes everyone feel part of the solution to a problem. Even young children like to feel they have a choice rather than that they are being forced into something. Think carefully about the choices you offer before starting the negotiations. Insisting that your child take his bad-tasting medicine can set the stage for conflict. However, giving him the choice of taking the medicine with a juice pack or a milkshake encourages cooperation. But proceed with caution and choose your words carefully. Give the child a choice only when he truly has one. Don't ask a 4-year-old if she wants to go to the doctor if a doctor visit is necessary. But do ask her to choose what snack to take or what to wear.

Pick your battles
Some issues just aren't worth the hassle. Discipline doesn't mean that parents always win. You may feel as if you're giving in, but there are times when you should decide if what your child is carrying on about is worth the fuss. Obviously, destroying a toy on purpose is more serious and requires a direct response when compared to prolonging play time in the bathtub. Parents should prioritize and decide what's important. For example, parents can be more strict about honesty that about cleaning up a room. It's reasonable to set a curfew for a 15-year-old, but it's probably not worth fighting about what clothes she wears as long as they fit your rules of decency.