About Discipline - Helping Children Develop Self-Control (continued)

Prevention
With time, parents get to know their child's trouble spots, and then prevention is in order. For example, if every time you go to the supermarket your 4-year-old begs you to buy her various items, devise a plan before you go. You might give her an empty box of an item you want to buy and have her help you hunt for it. Perhaps you can also tell her you will stop at the library, or plan some other treat, if she helps you. Preparing children in advance for a change from one activity or environment to another helps them manage the transition.

Dealing with unacceptable behavior – Despite all the advice and good intentions, children and parents will still have meltdowns. Keeping blowups in perspective, preparing for them, and having some strategies for dealing with them will help everyone manage crises.A basic principle to remember: parents should separate out the child and the action. It is essential to remind a child that it is the behavior that is disliked, but the child is still loved.

• Be clear, firm and specific about what you mean.
• Be respectful. Don't resort to name-calling or yelling.
• The consequence should follow the behavior immediately. The consequence should be fair in relation to the behavior.
• Time out

When it works it really works! Time out is time honored for good reason. Time out teaches the child that for every action there is a reaction. Specifically, time out achieves two important objectives: it immediately stops unwanted behavior and it gives the child (and parent) a necessary cooling off period. The general rule of thumb is to start time out immediately after the incident or behavior and have a designated spot for the time out. The number of minutes the child is in time out should be generally equivalent to his age; thus the 5-year-old is in time out for five minutes. Some children may need to be held during the time out to stay, and physically feel, in control, and some children may be too scared about being alone to benefit from this technique.

What doesn't work
Studies confirm that children who are treated aggressively physically will grow up to be aggressive. Thus the potential for the cycle of abuse to repeat itself through the generations is increased. Another main reason that spanking is not an effective form of discipline is that it can backfire. Imagine this: A 7-year-old hits a 4-year-old. A parent rushes in and hits the offender. What did the children learn from this scenario? They learned that it's okay to hit when they're mad, exactly the opposite of what the parent intended to teach. Children are masters of imitation and look to their parents as models. What's the effect of hitting? The children learn to hit, just like the mom and dad.

When to seek help
Check things out with a professional if your child is doing dangerous or risky things that you can't stop, if he's overly aggressive with others, or is disrespectful of people or property. Parents should also seek consultation if there are changes in behavior or if there are physical signs, such as headaches, or poor eating/sleeping. Any medical or psychological causes for unacceptable behavior should be identified and addressed as soon as possible.

Questions and answers

Can I spoil my baby if I pick her up every time she cries?

Infants can be trying for parents because their needs are so constant. Babies don't purposely challenge their parents; they are just unable to take care of their own needs. Feeding infants, changing them, playing and talking with them and distracting them all build a strong, secure parent-child bond. Especially in the first three months, responding to the baby's cries makes him or her feel safe, not spoiled. By between 3 and 6 months parents are usually better able to differentiate a child's cries and know when a cry signifies distress or when a cry will fade on its own.

My 11-month-old just learned to walk and gets into everything. I'm afraid he'll get hurt. What can I do?

Although children of 6 to 12 months of age are beginning to understand and even use some language, they do not understand the world around them. When you see a child doing something unsafe, firmly say "no" and, if necessary, physically remove him. For example, if he is touching something hot, tell him "no" and move him away. Distracting him and giving him something else to do are also helpful strategies.

I've tried everything, but my 4-year-old still misbehaves. What am I doing wrong?

Sometimes misbehavior results from a combination of a child being willful and a parent being ineffective in his/her approach. However, a child's behavior may signal some other problem. For example, your child may be frustrated due to a language problem, or have difficulty with regulating his emotions, or even have experienced some trauma. A professional can help you decide if it's a developmental or a parenting problem.