For and Against War: Talking Tips

Introduction

Parents and children often disagree about issues. Sometimes the issues may be small, such as what clothes to wear, at other times they are more significant and speak to a person's beliefs, such as war. It's important for children to develop their own opinions while also learning how to understand and respect the opinions of others. Although children acquire different experiences and come in contact with others, they still value what their parents think. The topic of war can provoke strong reactions and cause people to be passionate about their view. Parents may face the situation where they disagree with those making decisions about war or they may disagree with their children's opinion of the war. The following are some guidelines for promoting an open discussion about the many different sides of war. Parents should consider:

Keeping a developmental perspective

All discussions should be tailored to the age of the child, keeping in mind particular issues relevant at that age: 

• Preschool age children may be confused by hearing different opinions, they are most concerned with their own personal safety and need reassurance that they will be cared for.

• School age children tend to be black and white in their thinking. They are in the midst of developing their social attitudes and learning social behavior as they become more involved with peers. They are concerned with right and wrong and often have strict notions about punishment. They will need help understanding the nuances of different opinions, perhaps explaining in more concrete terms how "there are at least two sides to every story"

• Teens are exploring and forming their own opinions and feel they are on par with adults; thus they expect to be heard and respected. Teens are likely influenced by peers as well as parents. Teens often feel invincible, but when there is a war, they may also feel vulnerable and even have ideas about getting involved in the war -wanting to be an active member of the military, worry about being called to duty, or be strongly opposed to the war efforts. Parents should not jump to conclusions when hearing a teen's opinion as teens' views may change many times as they get older and accumulate new experiences.

Talking about different opinions

Keep in mind it is important to respect children and teen's viewpoints without criticizing or dismissing them. Additionally, parents should not force their viewpoint on their child. Parents can help children or teens: 

• Separate personal opinion from facts, explain how you derived your opinion

• Separate the person from his/her viewpoint e.g. you can care about, like, admire a person and disagree with their view on an issue

• Correct any misinformation regardless of what side one is on

• Gather information to back up an opinion

• Discuss how to interpret the news, be a savvy/inquisitive consumer

• Find commonalities, e.g. that usually neither side likes or supports killing people

• Understand that people don't always agree, describe options for making views known and voicing differences of opinion e.g. voting, working towards change, peaceful demonstration 

Preventing bias

• Be careful not to stereotype or inadvertently encourage bias against those with a different point of view.

• Take the opportunity to encourage tolerance of difference

• Encourage child to listen and respect other points of view - just as they want his/her point of view to be heard and respected  

Discussing war and patriotism

• Parents may relate their past experiences with wars, difference of opinions from their own parents during previous wars, e.g. Viet Nam, and even discuss our history of dissent and war e.g. Civil War.

• Put in larger context e.g. that our democracy allows us to have different opinions and voice our opinions freely without fear of reprisal

• It may be helpful to discuss the difference between patriotism and opinion - one can support the principles of freedom and be proud to be a US citizen but be against actions that the US has taken in this war

• Be sensitive/caring about the individual men/women who are fighting for the US, support the troops, and feel it is a duty and honor to protect the US and its citizens.  

Providing reassurance

• Reassure children that there is always more than one side and unfortunately there have always been wars. It may be helpful to take a long-range view and sound an optimistic note about the future. Even though there has been death and destruction throughout history, the country has survived conflicts both at home and abroad.

• Reassure children that parents' approval and love are not dependent upon agreement with their opinion. 

About the Author

Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist specializing in bereavement issues.

The New York University Child Study Center is dedicated to increasing the awareness of child and adolescent psychiatric disorders and improving the research necessary to advance the prevention, identification, and treatment of these disorders on a national scale. The Center offers expert psychiatric services for children, adolescents, young adults, and families with emphasis on early diagnosis and intervention. The Center's mission is to bridge the gap between science and practice, integrating the finest research with patient care and state-of-the-art training utilizing the resources of the New York University School of Medicine. The Child Study Center was founded in 1997 and established as the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry within the NYU School of Medicine in 2006. For more information, please call us at (212) 263-6622 or visit us at http://www.aboutourkids.org/.