Alternatives to "No!" (age 5)

What to do

Rephrase. Put a positive spin on your request, and your kindergartner — who really does want to please you — is more likely to respond in kind. Instead of saying no, clearly state what he can do instead. Rather than barking, "No! Don't throw the ball in the living room," for instance, try "Let's go outside to play ball." If he's in the middle of an art project and is getting glue all over the floor, ask him to put newspaper down under his work. This gives him something to do rather than something to stop doing.

Offer options — and explanations. Anyone — but especially a kindergartner desperately seeking independence and self-control — would rather be given a choice than an order. So instead of issuing a flat-out denial when he begs for a piece of candy before lunch, have him choose between grapes and an apple. Or let him pick which kind of candy he'd like to eat — after lunch. Though he may not be thrilled with the choices you offer him, your kindergartner will eventually learn to accept them. He's old enough now to understand explanations, too, so tell him why it's important that he eat nourishing food before empty calories.

Drive him to distraction. You can't really pull a fast one on a 5-year-old, but you can often strike a compromise with him. If he sees a huge construction site that he wants to investigate, for instance, don't say "no." Instead, point him toward the cranes and bulldozers down the block, which you can safely view from the park across the street.

Avoid the issue. Whenever you can, keep your kindergartner out of situations where you'll have to say no. Continue to keep dangerous and valuable items at home out of his reach, and don't put him in situations that are consistently too trying for him. If he always struggles with visiting playmates over his dinosaur collection, for instance, help him put it away before they arrive. And don't take him to Great-Grandma Jenny's antique-filled home if he has to sit on his hands the whole time he's there. You can't isolate your child from all situations where you'll have to say no, of course, but life will be easier for both of you — and you'll be able to say "yes" more often — if you limit them.

Ignore minor infractions. Chances are, your kindergartner is easier to discipline now than he was a year ago, but you'll still have plenty of opportunities to tell him no. Don't take them all. If he wants a cheese sandwich instead of a cheese omelet for breakfast, why not? If he insists on wearing purple socks with red shorts, what's the harm? Remember this parenting mantra: Choose your battles. If he's safe and you don't have to say no, let it slide.

Say it like you mean it. Of course, when his behavior does matter, and alternatives to no just won't cut it, don't waffle. Say it firmly (but calmly), with conviction and a poker face — "No. You may not cross a busy street by yourself." An amused "No, no, sweetie" sends your kindergartner mixed messages and certainly won't discourage him. When he responds, give him a smile or a hug and follow up with something affirmative — "Thanks. You're very good at listening!"

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