Asperger Syndrome: Some Common Questions (continued)

Often the child won't follow the rules unless they see a logical reason why, or if they see a value to themselves. And, if you talk about "people won't like you" - who cares? Or, "do it to please your teacher" - why should I please her? So what we have to use is, I'm afraid, a very mercenary approach. If you do this, this happens - if you do that, that happens. But it's very logical, it's almost like having a rule book. There are consequences for what you do, this is the logic.

If you start getting into complicated personal relationships, you've lost it. You have to be quite firm in the consequences with that individual, but you do need to spend time explaining things. For example, if we have a child who has hurt another child, or their brother or sister — we may say, "say sorry" and the person says "sorry," and as far as they are concerned, that's the end! If he's done something wrong, he must do, or donate, something to his sister for example — tidy his sister's room, or share a chocolate bar that he was going to have at lunch time, half each — in other words something is lost or given, or they lose their time for the person concerned. They could also make an apology card. They must actually do something tangible, rather than just "sorry," and that's it.

It does mean that you have to explain this to teachers, because they expect the kids to know. You've got to explain that in those circumstances, the child needs more explanation. I also explain to teachers, "don't use the degree of disruption as the measure of guilt." Although the AS child is the one who hit the hardest, he is not the only participant, and between them it was six of one, and half dozen of the other. Many AS kids hate the injustice - that they get all the blame, but the person who called them names gets no punishment. You need to deal with both parties in that situation.

How do you draw the line between an 8 year old trying to get away with something, and a boy doing what he is doing because he has AS?

I think in a way that's been answered. AS is a difference, but not a license to do whatever you want to do. If they want to do what they want to do, then often we use a timer. If they're watching TV, we often say, "you can watch TV for 15 minutes" — one day it's 10 minutes, and other it's 15 minutes — it's very inconsistent. The child knows that if it's your opinion of when it stops, they can use emotional blackmail to get you to change your mind. That's why we get a timer, "okay, you've got 15 minutes, and when the timer goes off, that's the end." I read in a computer magazine the other day about a wonderful computer program that you can load onto your computer, and every so often, it flashes a message across the screen, "time to take a break, you've been on this long enough." That's what they want! It's not you, the computer says "I've had enough, I need a break, you must go have a cup of tea!" And then they'll believe it! So find one of those programs. So, we use a timer in that process, so it's the timer that says you've got to stop, not you in that situation.

What about the child who says no to every proposed appointment - medical, dental, eye, even school at times - as well as to most proposed family outings. Should we force him, persuade him, give up, leave him home alone?

Probably what's happening with that child is fear of new circumstances. Any new circumstance is fraught with danger of making a mistake, hard work of working out the cues and what to do - there's change, there's no script. In other words, where others would like variety and novelty, here the person wants consistency and predictability.

What you've got is a child who needs knowledge and scripting. I talked earlier about Social Stories by Carol Gray. What you would do is create a Social Story about where you're going. If it's to the dentist, you'd write a Social Story about that, why you're going, what the person is going to do, what's going to happen next, etc. By writing that story, illustrating it, and going through it, that child is more likely to be scripted in what's going to happen, so it's giving that information.

It means you have to anticipate. You start off with some minor excursion somewhere that's short and sweet, and keep it successful. It means throughout the process, the parent has got to think ahead. You've got to think like your child, and before you go round that corner, you've got to know what they're going to be concerned about, what's going to happen. So when Auntie Joan comes up and goes "oh, let's give him a kiss," you grab her quick, and just push him off to the side, knowing that will upset him in that situation. You have to think ahead in that, or, you write a Social Story that Auntie Joan is going to give you a big hug, it's going to be very quick, then you pull back, say thank you Auntie Joan, and I'll take you upstairs and you can play.