To Be or Not to Bully

I met Zelmer during my first day of the 4th grade, or, more accurately, Zelmer “met” me. You see, he had an “important” role in the 4th grade world. He was the class bully and he and his side “kicker,” Eugene, approached me during my first trip to the playground. Zelmer was a kid of few words. He was a boy of action and he made it pretty clear that he did not like me and that when the last class bell tolled, I would be “his.” Fortunately, Zelmer’s approach to bullying was similar to that of a lion surveying prey on the Serengeti. He generally attacked the slow; on that day I was quick, and therefore lived to play another day.

I had not thought much about Zelmer over the years, but I was reminded of him when one of my sons was in the 6th grade. We were having a family dinner and our normally talkative son was unusually quiet. When I asked him what was wrong, he said “nothing,” but eventually he burst into tears. He had met the “son of Zelmer” and was struggling with how to handle the situation. Apparently, this bully would frequently push my son from behind, knock books out of my son’s hands, etc., and the situation was growing worse as time passed.

I was quite tempted to go up to the school and deal with the kid personally. Fortunately, I didn’t, or someone else would probably be president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. I knew that this was not the last “Zelmer” that my son was going to encounter and he needed to know how to deal with bullies. Once my son was able to compose himself, we discussed strategies on how to handle the situation.

Bullying is something most children will encounter in some form: name-calling, being picked on, or worse. There is a temptation, especially as dads, to say, “What’s the big deal?” or “Isn’t this just innocent kids’ stuff?” The fact is that all forms of bullying are abusive and can leave pain that affects our children even when they become adults.

Dads have a unique and important role to play in helping their kids deal with bullies. Social science data shows that children with involved dads are more likely to exhibit prosocial behavior, like proper impulse control and good conflict resolution skills and thereby, be less likely to bully or be a target. So if your kid is being bullied, consider these things:

1. Get involved…early—As soon as your children begin to interact with others, begin to teach them how to deal with bullies. Remember, children generally do not learn to solve these kinds of problems by themselves.

2. Bullies need love, too—Despite your frustration or anger when you learn that your child is being bullied, remember that the bully is a kid, too. Bullies are very often children who have been bullied or abused themselves. They may be experiencing a life situation that leaves them feeling helpless and out of control. Since they can’t control life, they want to control your child.

3. Bullies don’t grow on trees—They usually have parents, and in many cases their parents don’t know that their child is the class bully. It’s generally a good strategy to get them involved. They will probably be defensive at first, so don’t lose your cool and make the matter worse. The goal is to create a safe environment for your children.

4. Just the facts, Ma’am—It’s important that you be a “Detective Joe Friday” and get as much information as you can from your child before you take action. Avoid blaming anyone. Also, make sure that you consider your child’s behavior, conflict management skills, and temperament. The solution to this problem might entail some changes for both your child and the bully.

5. Remember, the world is a stage—One of things that my son found most helpful was to role play how he could respond to the bully. It gave him a renewed sense of confidence. I strongly recommend that you walk through situations and have your child practice different responses.

6. Get additional help if needed—Like your child, you are not alone in handling this situation. Teachers, school administrators, counselors, and pastors can be great resources.

Visit www.safechild.org and have your child visit www.mcgruff.org for more helpful tips.

Zelmer and Eugene never “got” me. Interestingly, I met Zelmer again, minus Eugene, when I was in high school. By this time, I was playing football and had been lifting weights. Zelmer, however, had kept his 4th grade physique… You get the punch line… Fortunately for Zelmer, he didn’t get the punch.

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