Big Kids with Big Feelings

Q. I’m afraid my middle-school-aged daughter is going to turn into an “angry teenager.”  Things seem to be going well for her right now but she can be unhappy, aggressive and moody, and she sometimes gets physical.   She had a very hard time in elementary school.  Is it possible that she could be working out feelings from years ago from things that upset her that she might not even be conscious of now? If so, how do I help her deal with them? Does a teenager end up crying to help heal the hurts or do they deal with things in a different way?

The issues that are troubling in early childhood do migrate into adolescence, if the feelings wrapped in early hurts aren’t shared with a supportive adult. This is what creates angry teens: they’ve been trying to hold feelings at bay for a long time. Finding no one who will listen to their feelings makes them feel isolated and frightened—they may not know precisely why they feel upset any longer, but the fact that no one will listen makes it doubly hard. Their early childhood feelings get pasted on present situations—“You never listen to me!” or “You’re not really interested—just go away!” can easily be echoes of earlier experiences that didn’t go well for them or for their parents. When children try to get their upset feelings heard, most of us parents do as the culture tells us. We try to get them to stop crying, or stop being angry. We tell them their upsets are trivial.  Then, children have to bottle it all up once again. So the fear and sadness they have stored since early childhood erupt cloaked in anger by the time they are teens, because the feelings of isolation have created a thick cover over the frightened, vulnerable feelings they need to express as healing tears and trembling release the tension.

This is no fault of yours–it happens in every family.  Parents work hard and don’t always get the time they would like to relax and connect with their kids.  You can read more about this process in our booklet on Supporting Adolescents.

So now, what to do? One possible move is to find her a counselor–someone outside the family to talk to can be very helpful. But if she doesn’t like the counselor after one session, move on and find another. Kids can tell very quickly whether it will click and be a useful relationship. The credentials a person has have nothing to do with whether your child will feel safe with them.

Ultimately, she wants you to know and understand her feelings, and it’s your attention that will be most powerful in helping her through the feelings she has been storing. No counselor can do what you can do in her life. Bringing your attention to her, even when you’re not sure what to do, is a good move.

Can you and she get away for an overnight together, something fun or adventurous? Short of that, can you start and be regular about Special Time for her, doing what she likes to do? At her age, that might be experimenting with makeup, going to a movie, trying out 20 pair of high heels at the shoe mart, listening to the music she likes. Ask, and see what you and she can set up. Be delighted with her during these times. Do not bring up sore subjects. Don’t ask questions, don’t pry, don’t refer to any of the difficulties in your lives. Just enjoy her and keep your mind focused on what a good child you have brought into the world, and what she is telling you about who she is and what she likes.