Birthdays!

“Birthdays come but once a year and when they come they bring good cheer.”

Or do they? Many parents seem to dread their children’s birthdays, or more precisely, the birthday parties. Perhaps there are ways to plan those annual events to satisfy the birthday child as well as yourself and the other members of your family. Remember that birthdays mean something different to each one of us – some of us love them, some of us feel very blue on that day. So take these individual differences into consideration when you read the following suggestions. Your do’s might be your neighbor’s don’ts. When thinking about or planning your child’s birthday, keep in mind that the birthday is actually an important day for both of you. It’s a good idea to take a few moments by yourself and think about your child’s actual birth day – what that day was like, what having this particular child meant and means to you, how the child has grown since then, how you have changed. After your own reflections, plan a birthday that will tell your child what a very special person s/he is. From the “good morning” to the “good night” you can treat the child with a tenderness and caring which says “I’m glad you were born.”

If your family or lifestyle has changed or if your family is smaller or larger than before, some extra planning may be in order. If you are separated or divorced, decide if the birthday child will see both parents on the actual birthday (if this is possible) or talk to the parent who is out of the home. If you have joint custody or if you live in the same community as the child’s other parent, decide before the birthday if there will be a party, where it will be held and if both parents will attend (or, if one parent doesn’t attend, decide when s/he will see the child to celebrate). Then, tell the child clearly who will be where and when. There are no right or wrong ways to decide these questions – try to come up with solutions which are as comfortable for everyone as possible. Birthdays may remind a child of an absent parent. Having a simple explanation ready should a child have questions will make the situation easier for you.

Other children in the family may find a sibling's birthday hard to take. Discuss feelings of jealousy that may arise. A matter-of fact reminder of their own birthday is in order. This might be a good time to share old birthday pictures to remind a jealous sibling that his or her special day was celebrated as well. Depending on the age of the siblings, enlist their help in planning a party. Or, read A Birthday For Frances by Russell Hoban for the sibling’s point of view.

But, be prepared for some difficult behavior which may be especially hard to handle if it occurs during the busy preparations for the party or at the actual event. Teasing, being bossy and aggressive, sulking (hitting, biting, etc. if younger) are common sibling behaviors. Try to channel this energy into constructive activities beforehand, like decorating or organizing the games. Older siblings may enjoy having a specific assignment during the party. Other options for helping siblings get through the day include allowing them to visit friends while the preparations are going on (with instructions to come home or be ready to be picked up at party time) or allowing them to have one special friend attend the party with the other birthday guests.

The birthday child is also vulnerable on the Big Day. Many children feel “invaded” by the guests – even if they are good friends who visit them often on the other 364 days of the year! Plan ahead for this possibility by discussing which toys, other possessions and rooms are off limits during the party and exactly where the party will be held. Respect these decisions at party time so your child will feel some sense of control over the situation and so you will avoid last minute confrontations. (Of course, your child, once comfortable, might decide that all the guests really are invited to play as they usually do.)

But, despite the best preparations, even very young children might become overwhelmed on their birthdays – not so much by the idea of a birthday (as we adults often are) – but by being the center of so much attention. There has been many a child who bursts into tears when the guests arrive or during the singing of “Happy Birthday To You.”

And, there has been many a child who missed the party altogether because of hitting, temper tantrums, etc. Taking your own child’s personality into consideration when planning for the birthday and sharing the planning process are the best ways to help the birthday child, the siblings and everyone else have a good day.

Now Forge Ahead

Once you’ve sorted through the bits and pieces of past and present birthdays, and decided you want to have a party, it’s time to get underway planning the event. Family celebrations are often best for the birthdays of very young children who haven’t yet learned the social conventions. And, it doesn’t take very many toddler guests to make for a very busy birthday party. When having a larger event, try to make and then stick with a final decision about how many guests will be invited and who will be included – only neighbors, only school friends, children and their parents, etc. Some people invite the same number of guests as the child’s age – 7 for a 7th birthday. Others alternate between having a larger party one year and a small one the next. Whatever decision you come to about the number to be invited, the birthday child should help draw up the actual guest list.