Children and Divorce

Introduction

There is a wide range of emotions most partners struggle with when going through the process of divorce. Feelings of sadness, anxiety, relief, abandonment, and guilt can wash over you with such suddenness and intensity that you may lose your confidence in your ability to keep your own balance, much less provide a stable grounding for your children. Here is some basic information that can minimize some of the worry you may experience when your children are in the process of coping with a divorce.

Bear in mind that while the 40 percent of children whose parents are divorced present more behavioral/emotional problems than average, several studies correlate this more with the pre-divorce situation than the divorce itself.  Family relations before the breakup can be a major factor in  children's behavioral and emotional difficulties. So, you don’t necessarily have to feel guilty because you decided to end a marriage.

What You Might Expect

Research indicates the following: 

• The impact of divorce can be more damaging for boys than girls. In fact, boys appear to receive considerably less positive support from mothers, teachers and peers than do girls. So make sure you’re as sensitive to sons as you are toward daughters. 
• Generally, older children appear to experience fewer developmental problems than younger children.

• Preschoolers are most likely to revert to earlier behaviors, like toilet training problems, or excessive clinging. 
• Children age five to eight are more likely to show common signs of grieving, like crying or sighing a lot, or retreating from the world. 
• Older pre-teens are frightened by the divorce, angry at the initiator of the divorce, and often worry about growing up without support from the whole family. 
• Adolescents may show signs of depression, act out inappropriately, and worry about experiencing marital and sexual failure in their own lives. 
• All family members seem to get worse before they get better. One study indicated the impact dwindles away within a year or two. Another study, though, indicated that after five years, one-third of the children were fine, one-third seemed to be muddling through, and one-third were looking back to their pre-divorce life with intense longing.

What You Can Do to Minimize Problems

• If you can do it without bitterness or malice, talk with your children about the divorce with your spouse. Assure the children they are not to blame, and there was no way they could have prevented the breakup. 
• Tell your children they are not to take sides. If they do, it will breed frustration, guilt and resentment on their part. 
• Try to refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent, as hard as that may be. Continuing bitterness toward you former partner can injure your children more than the divorce itself. The feelings you show are more important than the words you use. 
• Avoid suppressing your child’s grief at the loss of a parent. Allow time for this (and for yourself too!). Help them understand that these feelings won’t last forever. 
• Children should have access to both parents and both sets of grandparents. The parent doesn’t divorce the child, nor do any other members of the family. 
• Let your children know you’ll always be ready to listen if they feel the need to talk about the divorce. The story may have to be retold as the children grow and consider life more maturely. 
• Keep the children’s routine as predictable as possible. Children need a sense of continuity and it can be very upsetting if they have to deal with too many changes at the same time. 
• Do not allow any guilt regarding the dissolution of your marriage to intervene with disciplining your children. Children continue to need leadership and authority in a fair, consistent, and firm manner.

Finally . . .

If you are having difficulty dealing with the effects of divorce on your children and are able to talk with your former spouse, make sure he or she is aware of and is helping with the problem.

If it seems that the intensity of the children’s reaction is greater than you think it ought to be, or is lasting too long, or is more than you can handle, a Clinical Social Worker can help you cope with this part of your life. A professional assessment of the situation can support your moving in a healthy direction with the confidence that you’re doing the right thing.