Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce

If you’ve decided to separate or get a divorce, your next most important decision could be about co-parenting. People who separate but continue to work cooperatively as parents have a very positive effect on their children’s development and adjustment to living in two separate households.

What is co-parenting?

Despite beginning with a sense of joy and commitment, about 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Even though they will no longer be together as a couple, most people with children want to continue being good parents and to remain involved in their children’s lives. Co-parenting means sharing parenting responsibilities with someone living in a separate household.

However the decision was reached, a divorce can be a crisis and a major loss for the adults and children involved. Upon separating, each parent has a dual task: to make the adjustment to being a single person as well as to being a single parent. At the same time, they are not exactly single parents, if they intend to work out a co-parenting agreement to remain involved in their children’s lives. 

Benefits of an amicable co-parenting relationship for your children

Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative and cordial relationship:

• are more likely to adapt better to the divorce
• are less likely to have long-term negative effects after the divorce
• benefit when they see their parents modeling ways to solve problems, cooperate, show flexibility and demonstrate compassion
• are provided with a sense of security

Through your attitude and actions, they may see that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage. In essence, your children may understand that your love for them prevails.

But there are some cautions to amicable co-parenting relationships:

• Kids may feel confused and build fantasies about reconciliation.
• If there has been much conflict in your relationship with your ex, your children may have misgivings about a parent's sudden friendliness and suspect negative motives. It may help to tell children that you've made a decision to focus on having a friendly relationship for their sake, and to make it clear that the marriage is over. 

Recipes for success at co-parenting

Many aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:

• Be respectful toward the other parent: don’t express critical or hostile feelings about the other parent to the children
• Resolve conflicts with the other parent privately, not with the children present
• Discuss major issues as adults and arrive at some agreement or mutual understanding before discussing with the children
• Don’t make a child your confidant – youneed family, friends or a therapist for that role
• Don’t make a child a messenger between you and the other parent
• Assure your child that you will listen to feelings and meet needs in this situation just as you would in other difficult family situations

In addition to these basic parenting issues, the couple must somehow find ways to do what was probably a challenge in their relationship: communicate clearly and effectively with each other. Working together to develop a co-parenting arrangement is essential to its success. Such an arrangement is possible where both parents keep their children’s best interests in mind and where both are able to find a way to work cooperatively as parents.

Many experts agree that children adjust better to divorce when both parents continue to be active in the children’s lives without putting the children in the middle of their personal feelings or conflicts.

Situations were co-parenting isn’t possible

There are some severe problem areas where co-parenting is often not an option:

• Families with a history of domestic violence/spousal abuse
• A parent was engaged in child abuse
• A parent has substance abuse problems or severe mental illness
• A parent refuses to participate, or moves out of town

One other barrier to co-parenting is when couples have so much conflict and anger that they are unable to set aside those emotions. It is often a major challenge to keep our feelings about divorce from contaminating our parenting role and responsibilities. While it may not be easy, it can be done. Each parent can start by finding constructive ways to work out personal feelings about the divorce by getting support from friends, taking a class, reading, or going for counseling. It is possible to attend to your own needs while also attending to the children’s needs, and refusing to put your children in the middle of adult conflicts.

To get started on co-parenting

Soon after the decision to divorce or separate is clear to both parties, you need to inform the children. Schedule a “family meeting” with both parents and all children present. This may be followed by the parents meeting with each child separately. It is unlikely that all the details of the divorce will have been worked out, such as custody arrangements and finances; but it is best that the parents have come to a basic agreement that they will both continue to be parenting the children, and that they intend to do it in a way that serves the best interests of the children and meets children’s needs. An initial discussion with the children may include the following actions and content: