Coping with Divorce:

Separation and divorce can be devastating but there are things you can do to support and comfort your child. There are also things you may unwittingly do that can make coping with separation and divorce harder for your child --now and in future relationships.

Learn how to help your child cope with the negative short and long term effects of separation and divorce, as well as ways to help prevent trauma and decrease hardship. Challenges that are confronted effectively can improve relationships and strengthen your child’s ability to cope.

Reducing traumatic effects of divorce on children

Many children go through their parents’ divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects. However, for other children, the effects of divorce can be traumatic and long-lived. Changes in a child’s living arrangements, time with parents, education and lifestyle can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response – anger or fear. But when a child cannot adequately express or mentally process those emotions, the child may feel extremely powerless and “freeze.” This reaction is the basis of traumatic stress.

Trauma is determined by the child’s experience of the event, not simply the event itself. Different children in the same family may have a dramatically different emotional reaction to the numerous changes related to divorce. Your attitude shapes your children's attitude. Your words and actions can either expose your children to unnecessary emotional pain or help them develop in positive ways.

Trauma may cause depression and anxiety at the time of the separation or years after the divorce. It may also reoccur during weekends, holidays, birthdays or times when the child misses the complete family unit.

Steps to reduce traumatic effects of a divorce on your children

• Be honest about the potential for emotional trauma on each of your kids. Some children respond to adversity  by withdrawing emotionally or freezing. These quiet children may be more upset, and in greater need of help, than children whose emotional upset  is obvious.    
• Allow your children to communicate openly. Encourage them to describe their feelings and express the sadness, fear and anger they may be experiencing. This gives you an opportunity  to provide comfort and reassure them that they will be loved and continue to be cared for and safe.
• Offer your children choices, whenever possible, to increase their sense of power over their lives. These can include food choices, clothing choices and other choices that don’t disrupt your routines or endanger their well-being.    
• Find support for yourself and your children. It takes a village to get things right. Reach out and ask for help from friends, family members, religious and secular support groups, counselors and therapists.   
• Provide continuity. Children need the sense of continuity provided by a certain amount of structure such as dependable meal and bed times, leisure and work times. 

Don’t expose your kids to marital conflict

• Do not argue with your spouse in front of your children or on the phone.
• Refrain from talking with your children about details of your spouse’s negative behavior.
• Develop an amicable relationship with your spouse, as soon as possible, and be polite in your interactions.
• Choose to focus on the strengths of all the family members.

Take care of yourself so you can help your child cope

When you are on an airplane the first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. You will either be reassuring or distressing to your child, depending on your physical and emotional state. If you are able to be calm and emotionally present with your child he or she will feel reassured and comforted.

If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame or guilt about your spouse, find someone to help you work through those feelings. Also, try journaling – but don’t let your children “accidentally find” your notes. By processing your emotions through writing or talking with supportive people, you will be modeling ways for your kids to better cope with their strong emotions.

Steps to take care of yourself

• Avoid isolating yourself from people.
• Build your support group. Old friends may become casualties in divorce battles.
• Take care of your health and your children’s health.
• Provide and eat a balanced diet.
• Exercise and play to relieve stress.
• Pray, meditate or practice the relaxation response.

Talking with children about separation and divorce

When talking with your children about separation or divorce, it is important to be honest, but not critical of your spouse. Most children want to know why their lives are being upset. Depending on the age of your children and reason for divorce, this may require some diplomacy. As children mature, they will probably want more information.