Holidays can be so great. Family, friends, parties, and pretty decorations everywhere. Lots of shopping for the kids, which is tiring, and you love to think of their happiness.
But for people in the early, or not so early, stages of divorce, they can be dreadful. A divorced mother I know said that from Thanksgiving to New Year’s she would like to just hide in a closet. It’s hard enough to have split custody during the year, but holidays just remind her all the more of how good things once were. And on years when HE gets the kids it is unbearable.
A friend told me this “over the top” story of what her ex did. Steve (her ex) planned a ski vacation with their teenage children. The kids were very excited. Per the divorce agreement, he could pick them up Christmas Day – not before – and had to return them by on New Year’s Eve. Christine, the mom, had orchestrated maximizing Christmas Eve. She invited her sisters and parents to spend the day with her and the kids and make it a great day. New Year’s would be spent quietly, allowing the kids to reconnect with her.
A week before Christmas Steve made an “oh by the way call” and announced that he could only get plane tickets on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day – obliterating her plans for any holiday time with her children.
Humiliated and furious, she thought long and hard. She could easily have enforced the agreement, but her kids were really looking forward to the ski trip, and they really couldn’t get plane tickets any other time (She did check the airlines). She decided to take the high road and kept put her kid’s happiness first. Rather than put them in the middle of a battle plus ruining their ski trip, she let them go. She did read him the riot act, as did her lawyer in a letter citing his disregard of the custody agreement. Fortunately, her sister moved Christmas Eve to her house, where she spent a couple of days. She had a pretty lousy Christmas, but can feel good at not getting her kids embroiled in a feud.
This was a pretty extreme example. Most are less dramatic, but the holiday blues are part life after divorce. What can you do to make the most of a bad situation? Here are a few ideas.
- Acknowledge that the holidays without your kids are not going to be fun.
- Plan something to do. A client of mine has developed a network of single mom’s who go to each other’s homes on years that the kids are not with them. The change of scenery is good, and they are with friends.
- Plan something special to do with the kids when they return. It will give you something to look forward to.
- Take a short trip with a friend – or visit relatives.
- Think about bringing Christmas to the needy – there are plenty of them. And volunteer activities are abundant this time of year. It’s in keeping with the spirit of the season, and it will keep you busy.
- The most important thing I can say is to remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS! The kids will come home, and normal life will resume!
Brenda Rodstrom, LCSW, works extensively with single mothers, stepmothers, and members of stepfamilies. She is the founder of Stepfamily Dynamics Counseling and Coaching, which takes a very individual and results oriented approach to its clients. Ms. Rodstrom also teaches professionals her approach to working with stepfamilies and is available for speaking engagements. Visit her website at www.stepfamilydynamics.com or e-mail her at rodstromstep@yahoo.com.
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Reprinted with the permission of the National Association of Social Workers.
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gotplaid 
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