Encouraging a Shy Child

Q: My two-year-old son is very shy. He becomes anxious when he is around large groups of children, especially in enclosed spaces like indoor children’s gyms or story time rooms in libraries. My question is two-part: 1) How can I help my son feel more comfortable when he is in situations that make him nervous? 2) What are some general tips for encouraging a shy child?

A: Each child comes into the world with a different set of potential characteristics. As parents, our challenge is to find ways to work with—and celebrate—the people our children are. The trick here is to find ways to lovingly accept and validate your child, just the way he is, while at the same time warmly encouraging him, indicating that things are actually safer than he can tell.

Children Benefit From Information

First of all, talk with your son before going into those situations where he tends to become anxious. Since he’s so young, you might not get too many words back from him, but you could start off with something like this, “It’s almost story time. Remember how many children were at the library last time? Remember how noisy and busy all those children can get sometimes? Today when we go to hear the story, we’ll sit at the edge of the circle so you can have some space around you and I’m going to hold you right in my lap like this. If there are too many people for you, or too many sounds, you can tuck your head under my arm like a little bird or take my hands and cover up your ears.”

See what you can do to get your son engaged in the plan to handle this situation. You might take a pile of stuffed animals and set one up with a book and play “story time.” You be the small animal that comes into the setting and finds it frightening. See what your son thinks of to work out a solution for the small animal who is afraid of crowded spaces. If he begins to laugh, he’ll gain confidence in himself as you play this game over and over.

Children Thrive on Fun and Connection

Before going into a situation that you anticipate your son will find frightening, try using our method of Special Time. Children clearly thrive on moments when we are just with them. Take ten or fifteen minutes before you get ready to go and shine your undivided attention onto your child, and do whatever it is that he enjoys doing with you at the moment. Play pillow fight. Drop lightweight balls down the stairs together. Allow some messy water play. Put your son in charge of the interaction and follow him, letting him be in control of the relationship for a time. Radiate enthusiasm for his ideas and desires. This will help to bolster is connection to you and help him store up a little extra confidence for the challenge ahead.

Fear Releases in Laughter

Play that helps children overcome their fears starts by allowing a child “Special Time,” during which the grownup does whatever the child wants to do. During this time, look for opportunities to take the less powerful role. If your child is pretending to go to work, playfully cry and beg him not to go. If your child wants to play chase, try to catch him, but fail most of the time. If your son wants to pretend to go to the kid’s gym, act playfully afraid and hide behind him.