Fathering From a Distance

There are many obstacles to maintaining a bond between the father and child in today’s families. Parents may get divorced, separate, remarry, or never marry at all. Many fathers are in situations where they do not live with their children full-time and might not see them regularly. Numerous circumstances can lead to lack of time spent together, but whatever the reasons, many fathers feel as though they are standing on the outside looking in. A lack of contact can be detrimental to a father-child bond and if an attachment is not cemented in the early years, it is more difficult to establish a relationship with the child later in life.

Why A Bond is Important

The formation of the attachment to parents constitutes one of the most critical achievements of a child’s early development. The relationship with both mom and dad also plays a critical role in later social and emotional development. The initial attachment with both parents promotes a sense of security, self confidence, and the development of trust for others. Infants between 6 months to one year of age begin to cry when separated from either mom or dad and clearly cope better with being away from one when the other is present.

This early comfort will teach a child who she can rely on and feel connected to later in life. Children who are deprived of a meaningful relationship with their dads are at a greater risk of never feeling that connection with their fathers. Infants and toddlers need regular interaction to establish and maintain a bond, and it is often difficult for dads to re-establish relationships with their children when the relationship has been disrupted. This is why it is important for dads who are absent from the home or have infrequent visits or limited access to find ways to consistently play a significant role in their child’s life.

What Dads Can Do When Time Is Short

• Celebrate your successes – Evening and overnight periods provide opportunities for social interactions and nurturing activities such as bathing, bedtime rituals, comforting in the middle of the night, and the reassurance and security that arrives in the morning after awakening. These regular and consistent activities promote and maintain confidence in dad while deepening and strengthening the relationship with the child.

• Beware of becoming “Amusement Park Dad” - Dads sometimes feel like they have to create a day of exciting activities. While this can be fun, it doesn’t create a stable and comfortable environment during which the child can relax and enjoy dad’s company. Young children in particular might feel overwhelmed and get cranky with too much stimulation.

• Co-parent - Remember, there are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses or partners; co-parenting in a respectful way is absolutely necessary. The child’s self-love and self-respect is dependent on holding each other in respect. Mom’s and Dad’s perspectives may be very different, but both need to be honored in their child’s eyes.

For more information, contact Parents as Teachers National Center at 1-866-PAT4YOU or visit www.parentsasteachers.org.

To see all of the National Fatherhood Initiative's quarterly newsletters, go to https://www.fatherhood.org/ftnewsletter.asp.