Four Steps to a More Meaningful, Less Commercialized Holiday — With Kids

A Formula for Simplifying the Holidays

The Rhoad family's holiday transformation — from "Crassmess" to Christmas — mirrors the promise that living more simply offers year-round. By doing away with distractions and focusing on what matters most to us and our children, we find our lives filled with meaning, purpose and happiness.

Here are four steps to get you started on your family's quest for a holiday with more fun, less stuff ... and happy kids.

1. Search Your Soul

The big fear for parents is that downscaling will somehow cause their kids to suffer, feel deprived, or even unloved. Experts stress that that's not the case. In Unplug the Christmas Machine, authors Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli point to four things that children really want during the holidays: a relaxed and loving time with the family, realistic expectations about gifts, an evenly paced holiday season, and reliable family traditions. In other words, kids really want a simplified celebration, too. Focusing on the "warm, fuzzy" elements of the holidays — family get-togethers and treasured rituals — will ensure that you and your kids have lifelong, cherished holiday memories.

Robinson and Staeheli ask participants at their workshops to fantasize about their "perfect holiday." Give yourself a few moments to do this too. Close your eyes and visualize your dream holiday. Think of what you're doing, with whom and where, and of the sights, smells, tastes and feelings. Have your kids visualize their "perfect holiday," too. They will undoubtedly mention gifts! Ask them what their perfect celebration might involve beyond presents.

The responses that Robinson and Staeheli receive have similar (simple!) themes. The core of most families' holiday fantasies include "simple gifts, natural decorations, a fire, traditional food, leisurely schedules, music, time spent out of doors, an emphasis on family activities."

For most families, the journey from fantasy to fulfillment will involve concentrating on meaningful rituals and de-emphasizing the gift-giving tradition.

2. Focus on Meaningful Traditions

Make a list of all of your seasonal activities and obligations, even if you don't consider them to be "traditions." Which events and activities are meaningful and which aren't? Which ones reflect your values? Could your list use some tweaking, or maybe deletions and additions?

The key to de-emphasizing the season's materialism is to make your other holiday rituals interesting, fulfilling and fun. As Linda McDonough of Chapel Hill, North Carolina explains, "[my family has] so many great Advent and Christmas rituals that they overshadow the gifts."

The most treasured holiday rituals — those mentioned in people's "holiday fantasies" — typically involve family and friends, faith, nature, charity, music and the arts, or some combination of these. Here's a look at some new and old favorites:

Family/friends

Activities involving family and friends are perhaps the most important ones of the holidays; they can also, however, be the most tension-filled. If you feel stressed, chances are the entire family will feel stressed, too.

If elaborate dinners and parties are stressful for you, consider moving toward the twin goals of "potluck" and "casual." Instead of racing to multiple family get-togethers, spread the gatherings out and give yourself free time between obligations.

Linda McDonough's extended family gathers in the week after the holidays. Her parents, three siblings, and all of the grandkids come together for a potluck and modest gift exchange. "It's a good way to avoid the December 26th letdown," notes Linda, for both kids and adults.

Rituals that focus on family, friends and community take many forms. For example, Linda and her two daughters conduct a "cookie sneak" on St. Nicholas' Eve, the night of December 5th, baking gingerbread cookies and then "sneaking" them around to neighbors, leaving the treats anonymously on door steps. The kids love it, says Linda, and they learn the joy of giving in the process.

Faith

There are many faith-based rituals to draw upon. Your church may offer advent activities like caroling. Rhonda Ramos's church in Norman, Oklahoma, holds an Advent Workshop at the beginning of December, where kids and adults make gingerbread houses and homemade crafts to give as presents.

On each of the eight nights of Hanukah, Anne Prahl of Portland, Oregon reads a Jewish story to her two sons after lighting the menorah. Anne's sons still receive a gift on each night of Hanukah, but the gifts are very small, except on the eighth night when a few presents are opened. "They'll get one little gift, maybe a candy bar or some Silly Putty," says Anne. "I want to keep the focus on Hanukah," she explains — on listening to the Hanukah stories, playing dreidel and spending time together. "The kids look forward to these rituals all year long," says Anne.

Nature

Many families, like the Rhoads, observe the winter solstice on December 21st, with a simple candle-lighting ceremony. Others decorate an outdoor tree with edible "ornaments," like cranberries and popcorn, for their bird friends. Nature walks and sledding are also great ways to include the outdoors in your holiday plans.

Charity

Charitable rituals are particularly important for many simple living families. For example, the Hanukah tradition of charity, Tsedaka, inspires many Jewish families to make volunteering and charitable donations a part of their holiday.

Simple living parents note that traditions like Tsedaka mesh perfectly with the values they hope to instill in their children year-round. Rhonda Ramos, for example, says that "we want our children to know that happiness comes from a feeling of peace inside, regardless of how much stuff we have in our homes. They need to see the bigger picture of the world and know how many people still need to have their basic needs met." Rhonda and her two children participate in an "angel buying" program at a local bookstore, purchasing a gift for a child that might not otherwise receive one. The Rhoad family kids "adopt a family" (buying holiday food and gifts for them) each year with money they've saved for that purpose throughout the year.

Music/The Arts

How many people still go caroling during the holidays, or simply sing around the piano? Unfortunately, crooning cherished holiday tunes is something we now leave to the "professionals" on our CD players. Many churches offer caroling as part of their December repertoire. You can often join with a neighborhood church even if you aren't a member.

Making homemade gifts allows us to tap into our creative sides — all of us have them! — to produce low-cost, meaningful gifts. Visit the Center's holiday site, www.simplifytheholidays.org, for more information.

Fun

Remember that treasured traditions don't need to be complicated, or even particularly profound. Sometimes they're just fun! Driving around looking at Christmas lights with a thermos of hot chocolate is a simple, enjoy able holiday routine. Eating cookies and singing carols on the way to picking out the tree is another.

If possible, parents should try to schedule additional time off during December, to take part in some of these rituals and just to "hang out" with the family.

3. Downscale Gift Giving

What children "need" most for the holidays are realistic expectations about what they'll be receiving. To aid the transition to a simpler holiday, tell them ahead of time about your downshifting efforts. If your children are very young, you can probably wean them without their knowledge. For older kids, try a combination of focusing on fun, meaningful rituals along with some advance warning about your downscaling. Limiting television viewing during the months of November and December has also been shown to cure the "gimmes" during the holidays and year-round.

One way to de-emphasize gift giving while keeping it fun is to have a "white elephant" gift exchange with the whole family. While exact rules for this tradition vary, many families follow this approach: Everyone brings a wrapped gift to the gathering. Typically the gifts must be secondhand or garage sale items; the idea is to recycle items, not use more resources. Numbers are drawn, and the first person opens a gift. The second person can either open another gift, or take the first person's gift (in which case the first person unwraps a second gift). The third person can either open a gift or take one from the gifts already opened. Everyone continues opening and "stealing" until all the gifts are unwrapped. Gifts can only be "stolen" twice; the third owner keeps the gift. Creativity and humor are hallmarks of white elephant exchanges. Many families have gifts that resurface year after year — treasures like singing fish plaques and hideous hats.

For the "real" gifts that you exchange, make them meaningful. Choose durable games instead of fad toys, buy from local artisans and independent stores, and look for organizations that donate proceeds to charities.

4. Start Planning for Next Year's Holidays

It may be too late this year to do much about your extended family's consumer-extravaganza. But December is the perfect time to start downshifting discussions with your kids. "When you're in the midst of it," reasons Linda McDonough, "is the best time to talk about it."

Linda points out that her extended family took a decade to progress from everyone buying everyone expensive gifts to their current practice of each family member drawing only one name. Despite the time and effort, she emphasizes, "it's worth it." Your ultimate reward will be in the fun you have with your kids, at the holidays and all year round.

Resources

Organizations/Web Sites

• Alternatives for Simple Living (www.simpleliving.net; 800-821-6153)
• Adbusters (www.adbusters.org) — sponsors "Buy Nothing Day" and other campaigns
• The Center for a New American Dream's Simplify the Holidays website (www.simplifytheholidays.org)
• The Al Galgalim project (http://www.hadassah.org/pageframe.asp?page=al%5Fgalgalim%2Ehtml&section=education&header=al%5Fgalgalim&size=60) — a Jewish education program helping families with kids ages 2 through 8 enjoy meaningul celebrations of Jewish holidays

Books

• Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli
• Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case for a More Joyful Christmas by Bill McKibben
• "Whose Birthday is it, Anyway?" pamphlet published by Alternatives for Simple Living
• While the Candles Burn: Eight Stories for Hanukkah by Barbara Diamond Goldin