Friends and Friendships (continued)

From 12 years on, children recognize and value the complexity of human relationships.

We understand that we're both individuals and have different feelings about things. No matter how stupid my ideas are, like when I'm working on a project, my friend still listens and she doesn't tease me about it. You take a chance with a good friend; you can't be mad at her when she goes out with other friends too.

Making friends Children who make friends easily have certain skills:

• They know how to get in touch and know how to break the ice. They offer a greeting and they invite participation.

                    Hi. What's your name? Would you like to play? Where do you live? Do you want to come to my house?

• They know how to stay in touch. Once the ice has been broken, the child maintains the contact, sometimes by what she says, sometimes by what she does. Friendly children express their interest by nodding, looking at the other child, talking, expressing thanks or affection. They offer help and comfort. How they do it is important; for example, too much hugging is unpleasant for some children.

• They have fights but stay in touch. Socially adept children manage conflict well. They've been able to assert their rights without being rejected.

                    I'm playing with this right now. Stop pushing me. I don't like to be pushed.

• They listen to another child and acknowledge the other child's feelings. They know how to work out a compromise.

                    I'm sorry you're crying. I'll use this for a little while and then you can have it.

• They stand up against aggression and/or unreasonable demands.

                    This is mine and I won't let you take it away from me.

• Less socially successful children are apt to be aggressive, impatient, critical, demanding, or pleading in their strategies. They may interrupt, grab things, act bossy, and whine. They may talk too much or not at all. Then, when they sense rejection, they don't have the resources or the flexibility to change to another approach. Thus the cycle of rejection perpetuates itself.

                    You better be my friend or I'll tell on you. I can so get in your game and I can beat you anytime.

What to do

Although parents can't really sit a child down and teach social skills verbatim, there are many things they can do. Set high standards for behavior at home. Children who know how to behave are more likely to make friends.

For the young child

• Children learn through imitating parents' behavior. Think through your own experiences with friendships. 

• Practice with your child by pretending to be different people in social situations (role playing). What would you do if...

• Children need lots of real practice. Invite other kids over; set up play groups. 

• Make sure your child has play experiences with children of different ages and backgrounds. 

• Don't expect that younger children will have long-term relationships. 

• Don't force sharing. 

• Expect some conflict. 

• Some strategies may ward off trouble before it begins: Remember, if you'd like to play, you can ask. Remember, we can talk about how we feel instead of hitting. You can't take that away from March. When she's through you can have it. In the meantime, would you like to play with this? 

• Put a time limit on a game. 

• Present toys that both children can use together. 

• When you see conflict brewing, take a break for a story, song, or juice.

For the school-aged child

• Listen and accept your child's feelings no matter what they may be. Let your child know you're an ally.

• Examine your own feelings. Does the present conflict trigger off some of your own early experiences?

• Get more information about the conflict.

• Decide whether and to what degree you should get involved.
  • If best friends are quarreling, let them work it out themselves.
  • If insults are involved, counsel the child on how to act.
  • If children gang up on your child, call him names, won't play with him, etc., spend more time talking to him about it, and talk to teachers.
  • If your child is outnumbered, being scapegoated, or repeatedly subjected to cruelty, you must step in

• Make plans and try out several solutions together.

For the preadolescent

• Set limits and ground rules.

• In family meetings, discuss critical issues such as curfews, money, allowance, family tasks, clothing, values.

• Encourage participation in new groups.

• Put "popularity" in perspective. Some children prefer one or two close friends; others prefer larger groups.

• Respect your child's privacy.

• Most children of this age can handle their own friendship problems.

Warning signs

When aggressive behavior occurs with friends Despite parental efforts, it often happens that children are aggressive or disruptive with playmates or peers. At such times, a penalty system can be helpful. Here are some points to keep in mind: