Friends and Friendships (continued)

Some do's

• Help children to avoid punishment by using an early warning system. "Raisins are not for throwing." If he continues, "I'll have to take the box of raisins away. They're not for throwing." Be sure to follow through on your warning.

• Decide on a punishment that's a logical consequence of the behavior; it should be related to the offense. If the child is disruptive, removal from the group until he can control himself is a logical action.

Some don'ts

• The penalty shouldn't be too harsh in relation to the offense. This makes the child angry and resentful, and he isn't likely to make the connection between the crime and the punishment.

• Avoid drawn-out lecturing, scolding or explanation, which may, in fact, represent the attention the child is seeking. If attention-seeking is indeed at the root of the trouble, ask yourself why this might be so and try to provide attention in other ways.

Withdrawn, shy or anxious behavior A certain amount of reticence is appropriate in all new social situations. Many shy and inhibited children may later develop some positive skills. If the child persists in anxious and shy behavior, let her know you know she's upset.

Some do's

• Remind her there's no rush, that she has control over what she does or does not do.

• Remind her of previous successes in similar situations.

• Expose her to other children who are non-aggressive.

• Encourage her to play with a younger child. This may relieve pressure and offer an opportunity for her to practice new ways of relating she might be hesitant to try with an older child.

Some don'ts

• Push her to interact before she's ready.

• Compare her negatively to a more outgoing child.

• Laugh at or belittle her fears.

• Label her as shy; this sets up expectations for her behavior and the label may stick.

When these strategies don't work; when overly aggressive or overly shy behaviors interfere with the child's socialization, it's time to consult a mental health professional.

Questions & answers

How can we get friends to stop fighting?

Don't intervene unless you are asked to. In other words, don't be a detective who has to find out who did what first, a jury to decide who deserved what and who was more guilty, and don't be a judge and mete out punishment. If someone asks for help, then intervene.

I don't like my kid's friends. What should I do?

We all want our children to have friends who are polite, honest, and bright, who don't smoke or do drugs. Some parents are afraid that if their children's friends are less than perfect, they'll be a bad influence. If you try to forbid a friendship, you may actually make it more attractive. Address yourself to the need in your child that the friendship satisfies. Ask your child what it is that he likes in that particular friend, and the answer may give you the real reason for the attraction.

Children have to learn to deal with all kinds of people, and short of keeping a child in the house day and night, you don't have many alternatives. If your child is associating with kids you don't approve of, don't focus on trying to prevent him from seeing his friends; work on uncovering the real issues, which are the child's needs and feelings. However, when the issues are potentially dangerous, such as when the child aligns himself only with belligerent, antisocial friends, then parents have a responsibility to discourage the association.

Will an only child have problems making friends?

Not necessarily. There is no evidence that only children find making friends harder than children with siblings. Research has found that only children are as cooperative and competitive as children with siblings.

When a 4-year-old invents an imaginary friend, is that a sign of emotional disturbance?

No. In fact, many see an imaginary companion as a sign of creative potential. There is no evidence that an imaginary friend interferes with a child's relationships. Imaginary friends can help children learn how to master and cope with anxiety. It's important not to belittle or make fun of a child's imaginary friend. As the child begins to feel more competent overall, her need for imaginary friends will decrease.