Getting Along: Sibling Fights (continued)

Power

Part of growing up is learning about personal power. Children naturally experiment to see whether they can get each other to do things. Children notice when a sibling can do something they cannot. Competition between siblings can sometimes make children feel very insecure and intolerant. Learning to handle competitive feelings is a real challenge for young children.

What Parents Can Do

Avoid taking sides. For younger children, calmly but firmly separate the two children and lead them to separate rooms. Avoid yelling or lecturing. Talk with them only after they have had a few minutes to cool down. For older children, sit the kids on the floor near each other, but not too close (any place not too comfortable will do) and tell them that they can get up only when they each can tell you what they did wrong. Each child has to "confess" his or her own actions, not the other child's. This technique helps children accept responsibility for their actions and lessens blaming.

Give children choices. As children learn to make simple choices between wearing red or yellow socks, or playing with a train or a truck, they begin learning how to make decisions. Sometimes they also learn the consequences of those simple decisions. Making good decisions takes practice. Parents can give children opportunities to learn about decision-making. For example, when kids quarrel, parents can say "You can decide how to share the play dough, or I will put it away."

Encourage win-win negotiations. When children seem stuck in negotiations, it is often helpful to lead them through problem-solving steps:

(1) stop the action,
(2) listen to each other,
(3) name the problem,
(4) think of different ways to solve the problem,
(5) choose a win-win plan that meets everyone's needs,
(6) carry out the plan, and
(7) evaluate how well the plan worked.

Most young children will need adult help in thinking through this process, and it does take time. The advantage is that after doing this process over and over, young children soon will become fairly good at identifying a problem and coming up with different options for solving the problem on their own. A child that has lots of practice in thinking of different ways to solve a problem is much more likely to solve a conflict in a positive way.

Avoid comparisons. Parents compare children for a number of reasons. Often, they believe that such comparisons will shame children and give them an incentive to do better. However, comparing children to each other often sets them up for a great deal of jealousy and envy later on. It is generally better to avoid comparisons. Focus your words and actions specifically on each child's behavior. Correct or encourage children in a more positive way.

Encourage personal goals. Sometimes it is helpful to encourage children to turn their competitive feelings into personal goals for themselves. In other words, help children to "compete" against themselves by improving their own skills. For young children this may mean improving their skills in bouncing a ball, learning to skip, singing a song, building elaborate sand castles, or tying shoes. You also can use this opportunity to talk with your child about important values such as practicing, doing your best, trying hard, and so on.