Goodness of Fit: The Challenge of Parenting Gifted Children (continued)

In order to conceptualize this challenge and use the four constructs listed above, I have synthesized some of the critical and more frequent needs of the parent of the gifted in the form of four questions. Each of these questions parallels the constructs. These questions were formulated based on the research literature, my extensive experience working with parents, and from an analysis of hundreds of collected questions from presentations I have delivered to thousands of parents of the gifted (at every parent presentation I ask parents to write down their critical questions that brought them to hear me speak. I have collected these questions over the years and identified issues that are central to parents of the gifted).

Applying the Constructs

How does a parent reconcile having expectations that are appropriate, while at the same time matching the expectations the child does or doesn’t have regarding the process of developing his or her own self as a gifted individual? (Validation)

This reconciliation is a two-part process involving an appropriate validation of how your child is gifted and then understanding your child’s perception of being gifted. In validating your child’s giftedness, you are taking the first and most critical step to meeting their needs. For parents, validation involves reading literature about giftedness, and possibly seeking consultation. For the gifted child, validation includes formal assessment and testing conducted by a trained neuropsychologist or psychologist (with experience testing gifted children), and appropriate educational experiences. These steps are important aspects of validation, which can ease parental anxieties and guide parenting intervention.

Validation is an involved and ongoing process. Gifted children develop differently (asynchrony of development) and often do not follow a normal trajectory. Rigidly fixed perceptions about your child’s giftedness may lead to not meeting his or her complex needs. Many parents will acknowledge giftedness in their child and then never revisit what that means as their child grows. I have repeatedly seen parents of gifted adolescents who have held the exact perception of the child’s abilities since they were preschoolers. This type of fixed view often leads to the conflicts involving expectation.

The second part of the validation process involves a child’s own perception and expectations regarding giftedness. This awareness will vary greatly for each child. When a gifted child does not have an appropriate validation of self as gifted, her expectations will not match her needs. Validation therefore is critical in self-advocacy. It is imperative that the child explores what giftedness is and understands his strengths or vulnerabilities in relation to his giftedness. A reconciliation of expectations comes from a process of validation that is comprehensive and addresses the differentiated nature of your child’s giftedness, along with an awareness of your child’s perceptions of giftedness. Reconciliation now occurs through an appropriate process of validation, providing expectations that fit with the nature of your child’s giftedness.

How does a parent provide the right mix of stimulation, challenge, and effort without feeling as though they are overburdening or accelerating their child too far or not enough? (Affirmation)

In response to this question, I refer back first to the construct of validation. Do you have an accurate and realistic view of your child’s learning and developmental profile? Once this is established, a parent can begin the process of providing the right mix of enrichment, acceleration, and accommodation framework to support that challenge. You also must explore what is available to your child and work toward creating an experience with a goodness of fit. Focus on finding opportunities or offering to help provide support and resources. In many cases there will be struggle; however, the approach taken can make a big difference. First, I ask that you accept the realities of the situation and view them as an opportunity rather than a challenge or a struggle.