Growing Pains

Who Are You, and What Have You Done with My Child?

Physically, dramatic changes in size and shape often leave young people feeling uncomfortable. Ranging in height from 4 feet 9 to 6 feet 2, there is no "normal" middle school student.

The hormonal changes of puberty can make them feel unsure about their bodies and feelings. They can range from being dreamy and sluggish to wild and sudden, and they may look less like the child you used to know.

At the same time, middle-school students are finally developing the ability to think abstractly and to solve increasingly difficult problems that call for advanced ways of thinking. Kids also wrestle with issues of authority, independence and changing relationships. One minute they may lash out, the next they may cozy up.

All of these changes can make your child seem like an alien in your house. They slam doors, walk into walls and even pretend not to know you in public. These are normal -- and healthy -- characteristics of middle school students. But as a parent, you may need to make some changes, too.

Getting Involved without Baking a Thing

Often times parents back away when they see their child's thrust for independence. As a result, parent involvement in the middle grades decreases. But this is a mistake--middle school kids need you more than ever.

Responsibility and decision-making during these important years are shared by a broad array of people now, including the child. That's why relationships are the essence of middle-grade families. However, it may feel harder to get involved at school when your child has four or five teachers, and each teacher sees around 100 kids every day.

As a result, parents rely on their children when it comes to getting information about the school. And sometimes talking to your middle school kids about school can feel like pulling teeth! Here are some questions you can ask that will encourage your kids to fill you in: 

• Academics. What do you do best at school? How hard is the work? Do any classes seem difficult?
• School staff. Which classes do you enjoy most? Why? Do you feel close to any staff member?
• Discipline. Do people usually follow school rules? What happens when a rule is broken? Do you have concerns about any of the rules?
• Safety. Do you feel safe at school? If you didn't, would you feel comfortable speaking up?
• General Opinion. What do you like best about your school? What would you like to change about your school? What would you tell a friend from another school about your school?

You can also do things like chaperone field trips, talk about your career, volunteer in the classroom or at fairs and mentor students. Your middle-school student may insist that it's not "cool" for you to be at her school, but deep down she'll be glad to see you there.

Be Cool with the School

You probably have lots of questions for the school, too. Are my kids learning the basics? Are they learning to think for themselves? Are they learning life skills? Are they enjoying school and learning?

In order to find answers to these questions, take a look at class instruction, the school curriculum and the whole school environment. Learn as much as you can about what makes middle schools work for kids.

As always, communication is the key to a good transition. Stay informed about what's going on at school. Get a copy of the school calendar, class outlines, and advance homework schedules, if possible. And of course, watch for your children's report cards every nine weeks or so. 

School Spirit

Teachers and administrators need new tools and strong support to help them keep families involved. These people are key players in your child's life, and through them families are connected to the services they give to kids. Be sure that school personnel:

• Receive professional development
• Have the ability to make decisions about your child
• Have structures that provide the workers themselves with social and emotional support

Because education is an important part of your child's life and development, schools should do their best to ease the transition from elementary school to middle school. Schools can help your child adjust to his changing lifestyle more smoothly if they:

• Create ways to decrease breaking up the school day
• Provide parents with strategies to support the success of their middle-grade students
• Make available educational opportunities geared to the special interests of middle-grade families.

Hug 'Em -- in Private

If you have a child in middle school, you know that these are exciting times. Wise parents will take their cue from their children, but will also remember their responsibilities. Even as they're pushing their parents away as part of the normal growing pains of adolescence, middle-school children really want and need their parents to be involved in their lives, especially in school.

So stay close to your kids. But not when you're dropping them off or picking them up at a friend's house. That's not cool.