The Guidance Approach to Discipline

In a guidance approach to discipline, parents use methods that reduce conflicts respectfully for parents and children.

Discipline is not punishment. It is a means of helping the child learn acceptable ways to deal with personal feelings and desires. Punishment, on the other hand, is a reaction to misbehavior that is usually hurtful and may even be unrelated to the misbehavior. Punishment is ineffective because it does not teach appropriate behavior. Though it may prevent a repeat of the behavior in the short term, it does not teach the child "what to do instead," so it rarely works in the long term. Punishment may release the parent's angry feelings and make the parent feel better, but it can create fear or humiliation in the child, and rarely leads to the creation of a respectful relationship.

When children misbehave, parents and other adults need to help the child learn appropriate behaviors. Punishment may give immediate results, but does punishment build self-control? Do children learn to cope with their strong feelings and tough problems if they are punished? Research supports the conclusion that discipline works better than punishment and that children who are punished become very different people than children who are disciplined.

This approach to discipline means using developmentally appropriate guidance.

What is developmentally appropriate? That means you have a clear understanding of the stage of development your child is in. You know what can be expected for the age. With this in mind, you choose to pick a discipline method that best fits the child and the situation.

Perhaps the greatest advantage of this approach is that it is based on open communication, positive discipline and that the techniques can apply to any age child. With a little practice and patience, you will experience positive results.

Principles of a Guidance Approach

Research tells us that it's very important to respect the child's stage of development and not to label a child as a behavioral failure. Seven principles outline the basics of a guidance approach:

1. Children are in the process of learning acceptable behavior.
2. An effective guidance approach is preventive because it respects feelings even while it addresses behavior.
3. Adults need to understand the reasons for children's behavior.
4. A supportive relationship between an adult and a child is the most critical component of effective guidance.
5. Adults use forms of guidance and group management that help children learn self-control and responsiveness to the needs of others.
6. Adults model appropriate expression of their feelings.
7. Adults continue to learn even as they teach.

The guidance techniques that follow provide tips to remember in stressful situations.

Your Role as a Parent

It is important to see children as part of the total family system. Sacrificing everything for their sake is probably not a wise long-term decision or investment. Parents also have needs that must be met. Urie Bronfenbrenner, a renowned child developmentalist, suggests that every child needs to have people who are really crazy about him who love him with all their hearts. Parents are the people who can give this total love to their child, and it may be the most important contribution they make to their child's development.

A child needs to know and feel that, no matter what, his parents love him. Parents can tell their child that they may not like the behavior they have just observed, but they will always love him. Love is unconditional and shared in a variety of ways with children.

Technique Number 1: Being Positive

Focus on "do" instead of "don't." Children tune out negative messages.

Examples of changing "don't" into "do":

1. Don't stand on the slide	 1. Sit down on the slide.
2. Don't park your bike there.	 2. Your bike belongs in the 
				    bike rack/garage.

Technique Number 2: Problem Solving

Protect and preserve your children's feelings of being lovable and capable.

Examples of ways adults hinder or foster growth of self-concept:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
		       Destructive 
Situation	       responses		Better responses
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark spills the juice  "Can't you ever do 	Here's the sponge. Wipe 
he is carrying to      anything right?"	it up,  and you can try
						again.

Your fifth-grader      "Don't you tell me 	"It's not easy to settle
slams the door and     what's fair! You're 	arguments. When you're
yells, "You're not     getting a smart 	        ready to talk it over, 
fair!" after you       mouth!"			come out and we'll see
break up a sibling				if we can solve this
argument.					problem together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Technique Number 3: Offering Choices

Offer children choices only when you are willing to abide by their decisions.

Give them only the choices of behavior they can, in reality, choose.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
			 Likely to lead to 
Situation		 trouble		 Instead, try
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's shopping day,	 "What would you like 	 "Would you like toast
and your groceries 	 for breakfast today?"	 and jam or cereal for
are in short supply.				 breakfast?"
 
Your 12-year-old often 	 "Get out here and walk	 "Are you going to take 
"forgets" her chores.	 this dog."		 the dog for a short
						 walk now or a long
						 hike after dinner?"
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Technique Number 4: Considering the Environment

Consider changing the environment instead of the child's behavior. Adult/child conflicts may arise because some part of the physical setting or environment is inappropriate or because adults expect more control or more mature behavior than children can achieve.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Behavior			     Environmental changes
---------------------------------------------------------------
The preschool group has many milk    Provide heavy-bottomed 
spills at every meal. Their paper    wide plastic glasses or 
cups seem to tip over every other    cups.
minute.

Your school-age children walk in     Install low, sturdy hooks 
the house and drop coats and school  near the entry.
bags at the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Technique Number 5: Being Realistic

Observe children, learn what is developmentally appropriate for their ages and then determine the most acceptable way for them to continue what they're doing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem				     Solution
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Five-year-old Scott wants to help    Figure out the tasks Scott can do,
his parents with their preparation   then find a workplace for him in
of a German dinner. Efforts to 	     the kitchen and let him pitch in.
persuade him to watch television
or ride his tricycle have failed.

Sixteen-year-old Susan is a good     Discuss car availability and work 
driver who wants to drive to school  schedules. Develop a plan together
every day.			     to allow driving when possible.
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Technique Number 6: Setting Limits

Give children safe limits they can understand. Recognize their feelings, even if they cannot accept their actions. Maintain a calm sense of democracy, and work at being consistent. Children view the world differently than adults. Rules need to be explained clearly and simply. Be certain they know your expectations for their behavior.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Situation			   Response
------------------------------------------------------------------
Michelle (age 2) has pushed a 	   The stove is hot. I can see you 
chair close to the stove so she    curious about the spaghetti
can see what's bubbling in all 	   sauce. I will hold you so you
those pots.			   can see without getting hurt.

It's school pictures day, and 	   I can see that you're frustated 
your eighth-grader is having a     with your hair this morning. Is
bad morning. She continues to  	   there something I could do to
talk about how awful she looks,    help? What are your ideas?
and she doesn't want to go to 
school.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Technique Number 7: Modeling Behavior

Set a good example. Speak and act only in ways you want your children to speak and act. Research indicates that the parent model is still the most influential source of learning for children.

If you make mistakes, apologize and be honest. A warm, loving, communicating relationship is important. Everyone makes mistakes. Children are loving and forgiving of parents, if that's what parents model. The importance of parents as models for children cannot be overstated.

Correct the following statements. (These may appear as logical consequences for some readers. Think carefully about the example you are setting.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Statement				Better statement
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Laura, if you bite your 	"Biting hurts people. You may bite 
sister, I'll bite you."		the teething toy, but you may not
				bite your sister."

"I'm sick and tired of all 	"I'm really sorry I lost my temper. 
your excuses. You never  	I had no right to take my frustrations
listen to me!" (Parent 		about work out on you. I'll try to 
loses temper.)			leave work issues at work." (Parent
				sets example for taking responsibility
				for actions.)

"Quit your complaining about	"You sound really frustrated by all 
homework. If you really cared  	the homework you have. Maybe I can
about me, you wouldn't  	help you break it down into more
complain to me all the time.  	manageable parts."
Look at all the work I have 
to do, and nobody helps me!" 
(Parent continues to complain.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Technique Number 8: Thinking Broadly

Look at the whole picture. A child's behavior is often related to stress in some part of the family system. Changes in your behavior or in another family member may result in the child's changing behavior.

Giving children attention is not the same as spoiling them. "Acting out" behavior may be a cry for attention. It is important to take time to be with children emotionally (by talking things out) as well as physically.

Assess the following areas in your child's life when concerns arise:

• Recent family changes or conflicts.
• Sibling relationships.
• School environment.
• Child care setting.
• Peer or play group relationships.
• Physical or health conditions.
• National/International events.
• Neighborhood or community environment.

Getting Off to a Fresh Start

Parents can take the first step toward a developmentally appropriate plan of discipline by examining the current methods or techniques they are using. Ask: Is this suited to the age of the child? Am I correcting, lecturing, doing all the talking, or am I showing and teaching my child an appropriate way to handle things? Am I always talking out of anger? Using commands? Have I used too many threats or criticizing remarks?

Each week try to practice a new technique. It takes time to change old habits and patterns. Don't be surprised if your children react to the changes in you in a negative way at first. Children learn how to adapt to and react to parents, and any changes mean they need time to change too. They may be confused at first. In a short time, though, you will be able to notice changes in you and your children. Contact your county extension office for information about parenting resources.

Preventing Problems

Effective discipline will prevent problems before they arise. This tactic should begin the day your child is born. Examine your behavior, your environment, how you schedule activities for your child, and the rules you have established for behavior. Once you have taken the time to examine yourself, you can begin to do the following:

Demonstrate coping skills. You are your children's first and most influential teacher.

Prepare an appropriate environment. You can avoid a lot of problems by making your home a comfortable place for children to be. Are there tempting or dangerous items within reach? Are toys or supplies accessible? Is there enough room for activities and personal space?

Be clear about rules. Consistent and fair rules help children learn control in their own behavior. Such rules set limits that children can learn and depend on, regardless of their ages. Rules should be simple and few, clear, necessary and reasonable for the ages of the children. Some adults have only one basic rule: you may not hurt yourself, others or things. Hurt can be explained as physical or emotional as children grow.

Gently remind children of rules. When a problem occurs, calmly stop the action, then say the rule. Be direct and simple. Eventually, the child will think of the rule before acting. If a child hits, respond by saying, "Stop! Hitting hurts people." If a child throws food, respond by saying, "You may eat the food or put it away. No throwing food!"

Schedule events with children's needs in mind. Many problems can be avoided by anticipating your children's behavior or reactions to various events. You can arrange their day and distract them from potential problems. Adjust events to children's short attention spans. Prepare your children in advance and allow time to complete their activities. Keep your children occupied. If they must wait, be prepared with games or stories that help them pass the time.

Help children solve problems, make choices and understand consequences. Engage them in conversation.

Try guiding the child through the problem by asking "What would happen if ..." questions. This will help them learn to make more appropriate choices. Be patient! This is not learned as a result of one or two problem situations! Parents must continue to use this method and congratulate their children's efforts to think things through.

Acquiring problem-solving skills is a process that takes time and repetition.

The following list from a publication for parents written by the National Association for the Education of Young Children summarizes the differences between discipline and punishment.

------------------------------------------------------------
Children are 		    Children are 
disciplined when... 	    punished when...
------------------------------------------------------------
they are shown positive     their behavior is controlled
alternatives rather than    through fear
just told "no"

they see how their 	    their feelings are not respected
actions affect others

good behavior is 	    they behave to avoid a penalty 
rewarding to them - and     or when they get a bribe
at times rewarded

adults establish fair, 	    the adult only tells the child 
simple rules and enforce    what not to do.
them consistently.		


------------------------------------------------------------
Children who 		    Children who 
are disciplined...	    are punished...
------------------------------------------------------------
learn to share and 	    feel humiliated
cooperate		

are better able to handle   hide their mistakes 
their own anger

are more self-disciplined   tend to be angry and aggressive 
and take responsibility     and blame others
for their actions	

feel successful and in      fail to develop control of 
control of themselves	    themselves
------------------------------------------------------------

Adapted from Helping Children Learn Self-Control: A Guide to Discipline, National Association for the Education of Young Children publication; Parenting Your Child Effectively, Herb Lingren, Nebraska Extension publication; Developmentally Appropriate Guidance, Minnesota Association for Education of Young Children publication.